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Did I steal Trump's haircut, or did he steal mine? Either way, it's a cultural appropriation haircut right there. Just call me Joey Reed, a clear case of Trump derangement syndrome in full swing.

What's going on with your friends today? I think Charlene is flying, and I've got my uniform on.

Einstein's clock is synchronized with my watch. They predicted you would look like a young Donald Trump at 47 years old. There is a resemblance, a Donald Trumpiness to it. I cannot be fired.

I was asked to help sell Wonderful Pistachios, but they're so great they sell themselves. Sales haven't gone up in the last 30 seconds, so let's work on branding.

I have a question for President Zelensky: Why don't you ever wear a suit? You're the highest-level office in the country, and yet you refuse to wear a suit. Do you even own one? Yes, I own a suit. Many Americans seem to have a problem with my attire, but I don't. I will wear a suit after the war is over. Maybe I'll get one like yours, or maybe something better, or perhaps something cheaper. We'll see. Thank you.

The speaker checked the iPhone stock app and saw Tesla stock dropping $2.25. The speaker joked that Tesla owners could remove the Tesla emblem from their cars with dental floss.

I'm so busy that I forget to eat. I'll get a headache and realize it's 6 PM and I haven't had anything all day. It's not just me working hard, it's my whole team. I've got Chad Myzel, Amel, Todd Blanche, and Kash Patel now too. They better watch out.

Mitch, your break ended a while ago. Since Terry joined us, productivity jumped 46%. We're getting great results from our employees. Richard, remember the cover sheet on those TPS reports! But seriously, Terry's fit right in. What did you get? I wish we had a dozen more like Terry. You want to play around, Gene? No, it's daytime, time to work hard.

The speaker checked the stock app on their iPhone and saw that Tesla stock was down $2.25. The speaker joked that Tesla owners could remove the Tesla logo from their cars with dental floss.

I have a question for President Zelensky: Why don't you ever wear a suit? You're the highest-level office in this country, and you refuse to wear a suit. Do you even own a suit? Yes, I do. I know a lot of Americans have problems with me not wearing one, but I don't have such a problem. I will wear a suit after this war is finished. Maybe something like yours, or maybe something better, or cheaper, I don't know. We will see.

Speaker 0: Hey, Rich. Yeah. Put it up in the fucking scaffolding. Hey. I'll make sure I don't know. Yes. Shit. It's warm.

An officer sent a strange email to the Board, making exaggerated claims about our business expenses. One of the claims was that Project Veritas paid for James O'Keefe's wedding down payment. This made me laugh because I'm not married.

Let's shave John's 366-day beard. The family watches as John gets a clean shave after winning a court case. John is grateful for his free face.

Are you ready to stand here all night if we decide to stay? Alright, just stay right there. We can't go to that desk like last year, can we? No, he's not a US employee; he's just a politician. Did Elon Musk hire you? Who do you work for? Are you even a lawyer?

He's doing well, but it's hard to predict what will happen next. He has some strong ideas for Marco. Did you sign the tech talk over? Yes.

I have a question for President Zelensky. Why don't you ever wear a suit? You're the highest-level official in the country, and you refuse to wear a suit. Do you even own a suit? Many Americans have a problem with you not wearing one. I will wear a suit after this war is finished. Maybe I'll get something like yours or maybe something better, I don't know. We will see, maybe something cheaper. Thank you.

I apologize. I appreciate it. I didn't I didn't know. I was talking to at work, bro. I'm talking you. You still do. Yeah. I get it. You know, working out, well, he gonna come out on your mats. I know you keep thinking we're working. We're always working. We're always get working. It out. Now you on You know what I'm saying? We're working.

Speaker 0 opened by saying that over the last week he has interacted with over 300,000 plus real Chicagoans who say it is hate speech to evoke the Civil War or the Confederacy, to say that law enforcement is a sickness, while the other person has over 150 sworn CPD officers on his detail. He asked what the other person would say to those people and whether he would ask his 150 sworn officers to stand down if he and his wife Stacy are ever attacked, shot at, or rammed with a protester’s vehicle. Speaker 1 responded with sarcasm about the large number, joking that the interactions had “gone down to 300,000,” and claimed he had checked the other person’s comments. He asserted that the addiction on jails and incarceration and the addiction of militarism is evil, referencing Doctor King, and said it is incumbent to ensure that “the real Chicagoans” or the real people of America receive attention, suggesting we should spend billions of dollars overseas on the people in Chicago instead. Speaker 0 pushed back, saying that the real Chicagoans he talks to, mostly Black and Brown, feel that the other person does not distinguish between illegal aliens and real Chicago citizens, and that he is siding with illegal aliens over communities. He asserted that a recent incident involved “an illegal alien from Nicaragua” who grabbed a woman on the North Side, bashed her head into the sidewalk, knocked her unconscious, and raped her. He asked whether, if that had been the other person’s wife, Stacy, he would want ICE to deport that illegal alien, and asked for a yes or no answer. Speaker 1 pressed to get a direct answer, asking for a response “as a man, not as mayor,” and repeated the question about whether ICE should deport the rapist. Speaker 0 reiterated his question and stated that the answer for real Chicagoans is the deportation of the rapist, and that was the “answer for real Chicagoans.” Speaker 1 then apologized for being late, blaming traffic, and the other person quipped about the traffic, noting, “You’re not blaming me for the traffic, are you?” and said he had been watching.

I have a question for President Zelensky. Why don't you ever wear a suit? You're the highest-level official in the country, but you refuse to wear one. Do you even own a suit? A lot of Americans have a problem with you not wearing one. I will wear a suit after this war is finished. Maybe something like yours, or maybe something better, or cheaper, I don't know. We will see. Thank you.

I went into a military building for dental work and arrived early. A stern-looking sergeant told me to get a haircut and not return until I did. I acknowledged his command and headed out to get my hair cut. The encounter was intimidating, and now I feel like I'm about to go to war with my new look. That's all for now.

Today is gender reassignment day. I’m assigning new genders and pronouns. Jimmy, you’re now she/her. Carlos, you’re Carla, she/they. Rebecca, those shoes are non-binary. Jack, you’re now Jackie, she/her. Everyone at this table is non-binary. Sam, you’re non-binary Sam. Chad, you remain a Chad. Are you all happy with your genders? No? Too bad! For homework, if you’re a guy, listen to Nickelback and Joe Rogan. If you’re a woman, just keep being a woman. Non-binary folks, I expect colored hair by Monday. Thank you!

The speaker congratulates someone on running, then expresses dissatisfaction with their hair as seen on camera. The speaker asks to leave the stage for five minutes to retone their hair, addressing someone as "mister future senator" and mentioning David.

Thanks for having me, Colin. By the way, my eyes are down here. So, I’m glad about the ruling in the UK that makes bald jokes off-limits. I’m tired of them! I’ve heard all the jokes, like how my head looks like an old spice deodorant when I wear a red turtleneck. Once, during jury duty with other bald men, the defendant joked we looked like a carton of eggs. And yes, I lotion my head because it gets dry. You probably make insensitive jokes, like asking if the carpet matches the drapes. No, it’s actually quite hairy down there! All this talk is making me sweaty. I dare you to laugh! By the way, I’m also impotent. Don’t laugh. Just go away.

President Karen demanded to speak to my manager. It's surprising that someone like him, who fathered Eric and Don Junior, can't handle jokes. Americans have the first amendment right and are braver than Donald Trump. He's a blowhard and a snowflake. He should change his hats to say "make America wine again."

Speaker 0 asks Steve how he is doing, but Steve makes a comment about Speaker 0's hair, which Speaker 0 finds offensive as a black person. Speaker 0 explains that they face similar microaggressions at work and asks Steve to stop making comments about their hair. Speaker 0 mentions that they don't need Steve to constantly clarify that their hair is different each time, as it makes them uncomfortable. Speaker 0 emphasizes that they are not seeking validation, just asking for respect and understanding.