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I'm amazed to be part of the entertainment industry, coming from a small town in Indiana. And just to clarify, I am not a pedophile.

I was asked to help sell Wonderful Pistachios, but they're so great they sell themselves. Sales haven't gone up in the last 30 seconds, so let's work on branding.

Wow, this appetite suppressant is incredible! I have absolutely no desire to eat... Wait, food? I can't see! Who would buy a pill that makes you blind? Don't worry, marketing will figure that out.

Thank you. I'm not allowed to be in a room when the lights turn off. That's what I'm going to think. Listen.

Speaker 0: We don't give our lawn fluoride. It's something people should understand. Want a cookie? No fluoride in these. The government didn't add it to avoid brain damage.

Speaker 0: You guys still having water problems? Yeah. Yeah. No water. No water problems. No water alone.

Drinking out of plastics containing BPA, which is a chemical known as an EDC. EDC stands for endocrine disrupting chemical. When they make the plastic, it's in there. It leaches into whatever you're drinking. You drink it, and your testosterone level plummets. Guys, if you wanna be healthier, limit the beer and also make sure you're drinking out of metal or glass.

One thing that's absolutely blown my mind since moving to Italy is Italians are not obsessed like Americans with drinking water. It seems like Americans just can't get enough proper hydration. I mean, growing up, I was taught to drink eight glasses of water a day. But somehow, we've turned into massive hydration zombies carrying massive sized Stanley Cup water bottles everywhere we go. Yet, I've never seen an Italian carry a large water bottle or carry a water bottle ever. Do they require less hydration than we do? Why do we need so much water? I saw a guy the other day walking through the city with one of those water packs with plastic hosing that comes in his mouth, and he's sucking hydration while he's walking through the city.

I'm conducting a test to see if you can spot something in my video. Pay attention and tell me if you notice anything. The Secret Service missed something visible in the video.

Happy Monday! Coors Light helps you chill out and conquer even the toughest Mondays. Get a case and let's beat those Monday blues together.

I dislike awkward silences. Why do we talk about nonsense to feel comfortable? Everyone was relieved the person was okay. Russian tanks have white z's on them, good to know for videos. He knows more about Easter than Cadbury. Curious.

People are getting out for free beer, and someone is unsure what to do.

You stole fizzy lifting drinks, bumped into the ceiling, and now get nothing. Good day, sir.

Speaker 0 argues that Elon’s estimate of 20% of federal spending being part of a fraud camp could be higher, and when including state and local spending, the accounting suggests a sizable percentage of overall GDP is effectively theft through government agencies or checks. He predicts a “great uncovering” in 2026, with trillions of dollars of this behavior across the economy, and notes that on the other side, nothing will happen because the cost will be so significant it will feel like staring into the abyss. Speaker 1 asks how to differentiate between legal theft and illegal theft, noting that Somali daycares’ actions were outright fraud and illegal, while Stacey Abrams’s NGO receiving $2,000,000,000 late in the Biden administration is technically legal but clearly a different kind of theft and fraud. Speaker 0 responds with a test: “Would you throw up in your mouth when you heard the news? That’s the test. If you don’t pass the common sense vomit in the mouth test, it doesn’t matter whether it’s legal or illegal. It’s up. And you’ll realize that pretty quickly.”

Thanks, I'm Norm McDonald. Now, the fake news. It's official: murder is legal in California.

I don't party or drink alcohol. Instead, I enjoy partying without consuming any alcoholic beverages. It's just not my preference. However, I absolutely love drinking chocolate milk.

How would you prove that you're in zero gravity? We don't have time for conspiracy theories.

Getting ready to go out on a Friday night, feeling good. Pregaming with an ice cold Budweiser. Happy Friday!

Don't get publicly shamed in China for jaywalking. It's serious there.

It's Friday night and I'm getting ready to go out. Before I leave, I like to have a pregame. And for me, that means an ice cold Budweiser. Happy Friday!

I want a sarsaparilla. What is that?

Sit at the bar and drink straight, not deck away.

Your NDA is expired, so you can share this: there’s a secret Starbucks above reserve that few know about. Ever wonder why you don’t see celebrities like Will Smith stuck in LA traffic? It’s because of a network of tunnels called the Acker bomb that allows them to navigate the city without hitting traffic. These tunnels have access points at places like LAX and Dodger Stadium. Inside, there are Starbucks locations for them to grab coffee while driving. I’ve even seen Seinfeld down there ordering an almond milk latte with two shots. And no, they don’t tip; they don’t have to.

We all have secrets, including myself and possibly you. However, I cannot reveal mine because then it wouldn't be a secret anymore.

When we go undercover, we cover the antiques and the crap. Can you put that back in? Thank you. Do you feel better? Did you guys get sprayed? Here, take this.