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Four years of challenges have left a significant impact, and there's a lot of work ahead to restore what has been lost. The president faces a tough task, but it's crucial to address the issues affecting our youth, including the dangers of trafficking. With nine kids, the thought of losing one is unbearable. We must not tolerate those who harm our children. I'm proud to be here and hopeful that in the next four years, we can reclaim our freedom. Thank you for your support tonight; it’s great to see such a large turnout of over 700 people. Now, let’s welcome Kid Rock to the stage.

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I express my sympathy to the people of Hawaii, particularly those affected by the devastating wildfires in Maui. The government's lack of preparedness and poor handling of the aftermath is concerning. The governor's attempt to blame the wildfires on global warming is criticized. President Joe Biden's response to the tragedy, where he smiled and said no comment, is seen as disrespectful. This is not the first time Biden has failed to address a disaster, as seen with the train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio. It is hoped that everyone can come together to prevent the situation from worsening. My love and sympathy go out to the affected families, and we will carry their legacy forward.

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As an entertainer, I stayed silent for a long time to avoid splitting my audience. But watching the chaos at the border, the economy, and Trump's family pushed me to speak up. When there was an attempt on Trump's life, I couldn't stay quiet anymore. It was a business decision to stay silent before, but now I'm on board.

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This week in LA has been incredibly stressful due to nearby wildfires. Many had to evacuate, and some coworkers lost their homes. The fire's proximity to our studio was alarming, and the strong winds have made the situation worse. It's been a devastating experience for the community, as many know someone affected by the fires. However, amidst the chaos, there has been a remarkable sense of solidarity, with those who lost their homes volunteering to help others. It's disheartening to see irresponsible comments from some public figures during this crisis, particularly attacks on our brave firefighters. Instead, we should focus on expressing gratitude to those risking their lives to protect us.

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Mr. President, I’m Joel Pollock, a journalist from Breitbart News living in Pacific Palisades. My colleague John Conn, who wrote the song "Fighter," lost his home in the recent fires. I managed to save my house using buckets to transport water from the gutter, but many neighbors struggled to fight the flames. There were significant failures during the evacuation, including a lack of traffic police, leading to gridlock. The fire department wasn't pre-deployed despite warnings, and many neighbors lost their fire insurance just before the blaze. My neighbors want to know if you can work with insurance companies to help us rebuild and change California's regulations to secure fire insurance. Additionally, we need federal funds to aid recovery, and I suggest appointing a special master to ensure that money is used specifically for fire relief and rebuilding efforts.

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Thank you! It feels a bit strange to be back here hosting, especially since I used to do the weekend update. A year and a half ago, I had a disagreement with NBC and was fired for not being funny. Normally, that would lead to a lawsuit, but since it’s a comedy show, they had the upper hand. Now, just a year and a half later, they’ve invited me back to host. I wondered how I went from being deemed not funny to hosting. It hit me that I haven’t gotten funnier; the show has just gotten worse. So, to recap: I'm still not funny, but the show is even worse. We have a bad show for you tonight with Doctor Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Eminem.

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Wildfires have devastated California, displacing many families. While the situation is tragic, resilience is key for Californians. The vision for the future is ambitious and bright, despite criticism from former President Trump. His words are dismissed as meaningless. Critics claim there's more talk than action, but passion and determination drive the response to challenges. Hand gestures are used to emphasize points, not to distract from dishonesty. In a light-hearted moment, a lost piece of gum is compared to California—sticky, resilient, and capable of bouncing back.

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New Yorkers hate politicians they can't trust more than those they disagree with. The speaker was asked if their different speaking accents in different scenarios are real or affected. They responded that as an immigrant born in Kampala, Uganda, raised in South Africa, and moving to the US at seven, there are different parts of their life. They referenced a worldwide tour and press tour when they were a rapper. They mentioned bringing flavor to fish and rice. They also mentioned being in a Disney movie directed by their mother, stating nepotism and hard work go a long way, and that they speak a certain way in New York City.

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It's good to see you again. I want to address the recent racist joke about working at 7-Eleven. Honestly, it was hurtful, but I’m a survivor. There’s a growing hunger for offense in our culture, where people seek validation through outrage rather than genuine issues. This affects comedy, which is essential for holding power accountable. Humor should not be treated as harmful; it’s a vital tool for critique. Regarding the election, a large margin is necessary to prevent interference. I support Trump because he effectively advanced our agenda. DeSantis supporters should unite for the greater good. I’m exploring my next steps, whether in government or elsewhere, focusing on my purpose and unique gifts. Whatever I pursue will be driven by passion, not obligation. Thank you for having me.

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How do you follow Elon Musk? By celebrating the American dream, which is alive and well with the inauguration of Donald Trump as our 47th president and JD Vance as vice president. My parents fled a dictatorship in Uganda for this dream, and we must work to protect it. In the past year, we've faced unacceptable levels of violence and drug overdoses. We need to prioritize law and order, support our law enforcement, teachers, and first responders, and ensure our children can live the American dream. Together, we will end the two-tier system of justice and put Americans first. Let’s show appreciation for those who serve us and enjoy the journey ahead. God bless America. I am Kash Patel, living the American dream, and I’m ready to get to work.

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J. Lo's candidate lost, which is satisfying given how celebrities try to influence our votes. J. Lo's expertise seems limited to failed marriages, and Meryl Streep's political insights have proven misguided, like her past comments on Harvey Weinstein. Oprah, who charges a million dollars for interviews, also didn't help Kamala Harris's campaign. Harris herself has been criticized for her inauthenticity, pretending to be relatable and competent while failing to address her role as the border czar. Her various accents, including a fake Jamaican one, have only added to the perception of her insincerity. Ultimately, the election was called for Donald Trump around 1:22 AM, marking a significant moment for the opposition.

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Thank you all for being here. From India to California, I pursued my dream of becoming a scientist. There’s a lot to discuss, including the impact of childhood experiences and current issues like border security and inflation. Donald Trump is often seen as unserious, and the consequences of political actions are significant. It’s important to highlight how some individuals, like Cindy, have been involved in controversial actions, including paying bail for violent offenders. There’s also misinformation surrounding Project 2025, which I have no connection to, despite claims to the contrary. Let’s focus on the facts and the real issues at hand.

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Climate change is real. The destruction of hard drives, my husband's frequent trips to Epstein's Island, my loss in the 2016 election, and my husband's infidelity are all attributed to climate change. Even Jeffrey Epstein's death is blamed on climate change. It wasn't me, it was definitely climate change.

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The presidency requires a level of maturity and responsibility. Donald Trump, remember that regardless of votes, everyone is counting on you. The world is watching, and we hope for better leadership in the future. It's essential to maintain your humanity and show empathy for displaced individuals, whether in the Palestinian territories or elsewhere. Thank you, and good night.

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I moved to LA for a month, and the city is now facing intense fires, mainly in the Palisades area. Many have lost homes and businesses, and State Farm recently stopped offering fire coverage in California, complicating recovery for victims. The mayor was out of the country during the crisis and had cut fire department funding. There are claims about poor water management and brush maintenance contributing to the fires, alongside speculation about their causes, including potential homeless involvement and UFO sightings. The situation remains dire, with worsening winds expected. While theories abound, the focus should be on supporting those affected and allowing first responders to do their work.

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Thank you! It's great to be here. I just recovered from the flu, which got me thinking about who might have given it to me. I suspect it was a shoeless cowboy I sat next to on a flight. On a different note, ladies, you’re struggling in the political arena. Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach—find a balance between professionalism and charm. The election dragged on forever, and it’s hard to believe Trump didn’t win earlier. His resilience is impressive, especially after getting shot and still acting fearless. I recently woke up at 3 AM to Shaquille O'Neal selling printer ink, which was surreal. It’s surprising he’s still working despite his wealth. We have a great show ahead, so stick around!

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Wanna be president? Call your man. We’ll give you a platform because you’re onto something. You’re making sense, and I feel empowered now. We need to keep it nonpartisan but recognize when someone is making sense. We’ve talked to many politicians, and this is real talk. I appreciate Puff for his work; he doesn’t have to do this, but it’s important to give back. I want to note that I’m not sweating like everyone else I interview, but it’s just because I’m cool. I’m not trying to make anyone look bad; it’s just how it is. If he were in his designer clothes, he’d be sweating too. The guy is good.

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I drove through my old neighborhood in Los Angeles, reflecting on growing up there. Doctor Dre used to visit; his cousin, Sir Jinx, lived on my block and later became one of my producers. My family has been in the area since 1962. It's a tough place; many people I knew are buried in the local cemetery. Politicians haven't improved the city much. They prioritize those who donate money. I once hoped Obama would bring change, but things remained largely the same for my community. Companies pledged money to Black Lives Matter, but much of it was siphoned off. My basketball league, Big3, aims to empower, but the NBA, despite its slogans, doesn't seem to support it. I believe in speaking the truth, even when it's unpopular. I refused the COVID vaccine because it felt rushed, and I wanted to stand by my convictions, even at the cost of millions.

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to host Saturday Night Live after the election, but eventually agreed. Shortly after, wildfires devastated LA, affecting many friends and families. The fires were the most expensive natural disaster in U.S. history, and while some blamed arsonists, it was a combination of factors, including extreme winds. I also reflected on the challenges of fame, sharing a humorous take on celebrity culture and my support for the Haitian community in Ohio. As we navigate life, we should evolve and learn from our mistakes. With Donald Trump returning as president, I expressed hope for better leadership and empathy, especially for displaced individuals worldwide. Thank you, and good night.

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My name is Tony Roman, and I have a message for Hollywood celebrities who blindly support the Democrat party and its agenda. Your actions have contributed to the chaos in Los Angeles. I’m offering you a chance to redeem yourselves by publicly renouncing your support for Democrat politicians and demanding the arrest of Gavin Newsom, Karen Bass, and the LA County fire chief. Additionally, endorse the America First Antiwoke Movement and commit to voting for conservative candidates. In return, we will donate meals in your name to those affected by the fires. If you refuse, we will continue our fight against woke tyranny. If you want to call yourselves Americans, act like it.

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I recently drove through my old neighborhood in Los Angeles. Doctor Dre used to come by my house, he lived down the street. My family has been here since 1962. Growing up here was tough, out of all the kids I knew, at least 13 are dead before 21. Politicians only care about those who give them money, I don't donate because they have hidden agendas. I had hope for Obama, but things didn't change much for the people I care about. Companies pledged money to Black Lives Matter, but it didn't improve the neighborhood. The NBA is full of slogans but lacks real action, like supporting the Big 3. I wouldn't be where I am if I stayed in my lane, I refuse to be controlled. I turned down $9 million for a movie because I wouldn't take the COVID vaccine. It wasn't ready, and I didn't feel safe. I know people injured by the vaccine, and I chose to stand on my convictions.

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Welcome to the 77th Annual Golden Globe Awards! This is my last time hosting, so let’s have some fun. Remember, it’s all just jokes. Tonight, we have legends in the room, but let’s not forget the important executives who are all terrified of Ronan Farrow. It’s been a big year for controversial films, but the Hollywood Foreign Press is still lacking diversity. Most films today are lazy remakes, and the best actors have moved to streaming services. If you win tonight, please don’t lecture us; just accept your award and move on. Now, let’s get to the first award. Enjoy the night, have fun, and remember to donate to Australia. Good night!

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The White House asked me to represent the President on a short trip to Ghana, and I agreed. In hindsight, it was a mistake to go. We need to examine the lack of preparation for the fires. Typically, before a major weather event, we prepare by distributing sandbags and k-rails, but that didn't happen this time. Although there were warnings about the Santa Ana winds, the level of preparation wasn't there to indicate a terrible event was coming, so I wasn't alerted to the severity. Two investigations are underway to examine what happened, including pre-deployment and staffing issues. I felt terrible not being here for my city and my family, who were also impacted by the fires. My absence was painful.

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Welcome to Saturday Night Live's 50th anniversary! Congratulations to Lorne Michaels on 25 years of SNL. The news is wild, and security was intense getting in tonight. There's a lot of focus on a recent tragedy involving a man with a family, but it’s been a tough year for many, including Kamala and Diddy. Jake Paul’s antics against older fighters are ridiculous. Trump had an eventful year, surviving an assassination attempt and winning the presidency again. People worry about his lack of dignity, but history shows we've had undignified presidents before. Meanwhile, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, which is what any parent would do. We have a great show ahead with Gracie Abrams, so stick around!

This Past Weekend

1-29-18 Great Uncle Issues | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #70
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The episode weaves personal stories, riffs, and audience calls around a string of loosely connected obsessions. Theo opens with a music submission from Jamison Flood, describing Every Night in playful, hyperbolic terms, then shifts to a stream-of-consciousness monologue about reality and imagination, video-game bravado, and a desire for fireballs to settle scores. He shares a weekend arc: buying a heavy wooden Blake Avenue bed to replace an ill-fitting old wrought-iron one, recounting chaotic living arrangements, including sleeping under a friend's bed years earlier and enduring whooping cough. He recalls volunteering ambitions at the Special Olympics, misreads the event as Friday rather than Saturday, shows up at a Long Beach high school soaked and furious, and ends up parking by the water to cool off. He bounces from anecdotes about a skeleton course at Utah’s Olympic facilities to casual encounters with a beekeeper, a film about bees, and rude, surreal tangents about beekeeping and marijuana smoke. The monologue pivots to reflections on ego, American welfare, and Hollywood’s politics, admitting frustration with getting opportunities in a world of accent and stereotype while recognizing the broader entertainment landscape has room for improvement. He recalls a convoluted family memory about a great-uncle allegedly trying to hook up with his girlfriend, a misunderstanding that becomes a cautionary tale about memory and identity. He ties this into a broader meditation on ego, self-worth, and sobriety, noting the Tonight Show audition setback and asking for support via the show’s hotline. Interspersed are calls including: a detailed explanation of how a government shutdown affects pay for service members and teachers; advice to Jose Ochoa about finishing college for a backup and networking value; a Boston fan’s tribute to sports as a family thread; questions about Latin heritage and learning Spanish; and Andrea’s inquiry about marriage, kids, and fears of commitment. The episode closes with promo plugs and a reminder to subscribe and call the hotline.
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