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I'm Shane Gillis, fired from this show. I should be a high school football coach. My dad coaches girl's basketball. My mom and I used to be best friends until I discovered masturbation. My family includes members with Down syndrome. My niece, who has Down syndrome, is the best in the family. My sister has 3 adopted black kids, a child with Down syndrome, and an Arab husband. We opened a coffee shop for people with Down syndrome. They hate working there. No difference between us and them. 21 Savage is the guest tonight. Thank you.

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Thank you! It feels a bit strange to be back here hosting, especially since I used to do the weekend update. A year and a half ago, I had a disagreement with NBC and was fired for not being funny. Normally, that would lead to a lawsuit, but since it’s a comedy show, they had the upper hand. Now, just a year and a half later, they’ve invited me back to host. I wondered how I went from being deemed not funny to hosting. It hit me that I haven’t gotten funnier; the show has just gotten worse. So, to recap: I'm still not funny, but the show is even worse. We have a bad show for you tonight with Doctor Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Eminem.

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Beyonce hosts a Juneteenth party at the White House with her uncle Chester. Steve Urkel crashes to give the president "racial street cred." Robert De Niro awkwardly dances with Kamala Harris. The party is bizarre, questioning the leadership of the country. Joe Biden avoids any mishaps.

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Thanks to Gorilla, the cast, crew, and Lorne Michaels for 50 years of comedy. Comedy is a lifelong passion. Thank you all, and be safe.

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Americans, happy pride month! There has been a shocking discovery of cocaine near the oval office, raising questions about how it got into the White House and who brought it in. It seems that Trump doesn't believe in honesty and decency. On a lighter note, Merry Christmas! How are you? Everything good? Are you doing well in school? We are now saying merry Christmas.

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Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election results. It's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, and Kamala lost big time. You were wrong. You're a total loser, and your show sucks. You're going to get low ratings. It's a disgrace to go from raging gold to raging nobody. It's a horror. Kamala's probably getting drunk somewhere, the f***ing virgin. Can you believe this guy calling your favorite president a virgin? Look at that crowd; it's a disgrace. But don't worry, we already won big. Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Do you want to do a little dance?

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Welcome to The Tonight Show! Today, Donald Trump was sworn in as the 47th president of the United States, with the ceremony moved indoors due to freezing temperatures. The inauguration parade was canceled, leaving Eric Trump disappointed about SpongeBob's absence. Trump was sworn in on two Bibles—one from Abraham Lincoln and another that looked like a Cheesecake Factory menu. During his address, he announced ambitious goals, including planting a flag on Mars. The Bidens and Trumps posed for a photo together, showcasing a range of emotions. Melania's outfit drew attention, and Trump humorously hoped it was cake. Biden left a letter for Trump in the Oval Office, humorously including $5. After the ceremony, Biden departed Washington, marking the end of his term as the oldest president.

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According to Speaker 0, the former president is less criminal than the current president, who had pending cases when sworn in and has 34 felony convictions. Speaker 0 hasn't seen anyone with a record like the current president's. Speaker 1 thanks Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett for her support for democracy and the integrity she brings. Speaker 1 played a clip of Crockett's first appearance on the show three years prior and stated this was the second to last episode of the show. Both speakers expressed gratitude and mutual appreciation.

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On Tuesday, Americans elected Donald Trump as president again, surprising many. This is the same Trump who sought vengeance against his opponents. With the Supreme Court's support, there are no protections for those who oppose him. At SNL, we proudly declare our unwavering support for Trump, seeing ourselves in him and wanting future generations to look up to him. We jokingly mention our votes and even introduce a new impression, Hot Jack Trump, celebrating his potential presidency. We express excitement for Trump 2.0 and humorously reflect on the past, wishing for another January 6th. We also mention Elon Musk as a backup plan if things go wrong. Finally, we encourage young men who supported Trump and Musk, reminding them to rise and embrace their potential.

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Please welcome the 45th, 46th, and 47th presidents of the United States, Donald J. Trump, to New York for Christmas.

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On Tuesday, Americans elected Donald Trump as president again, surprising many. Despite his controversial past, including attempts to overturn the previous election, he received overwhelming support. The cast of SNL humorously expressed their unwavering support for Trump, claiming they see themselves in him and want future generations to admire him. They joked about their loyalty and even introduced a new impression, "Hot Jacked Trump." The skit concluded with excitement for Trump's presidency, referencing potential chaos while humorously suggesting a trip to Mars with Elon Musk. They encouraged young men to rise up and embrace their potential.

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Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update. It’s our final show of 2024, a year that saw Diddy jailed, Trump reelected, and Musk as co-president. Luigi Mangione has dropped his extradition fight and is now in the same federal prison as Diddy. Meanwhile, the House Ethics Committee is releasing a report on Matt Gates, who quipped about his young girlfriend. George Santos has launched a podcast called Pants on Fire, with a unique sign-up method. Trump has transferred his media shares to a trust controlled by Donald Trump Jr. and gave Eric something bubble-wrapped. The first severe human case of bird flu in the U.S. has been confirmed. Trump has appointed Herschel Walker as ambassador to the Bahamas, who humorously corrected the title to "I is ambassador." Disney plans to release a Bluey movie in 2027, where Bluey meets Cruella De Vil.

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On Tuesday, Donald Trump was elected president again, surprising many. This is the same Trump who attempted to overturn the last election and called for vengeance against his opponents. With no protections in place, those who oppose him are at risk. SNL expresses unwavering support for Trump, claiming they see themselves in him and admire his controversial honesty. They humorously declare their loyalty, joking about voting for him multiple times and introducing a new impression, "Hot Jacked Trump." The cast expresses excitement for Trump's presidency, with lighthearted remarks about the future and a nod to Elon Musk. They encourage young men to rise up and embrace their potential, closing with a rallying call for support.

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to join Saturday Night Live after the election but eventually agreed. Shortly after, devastating fires hit LA, affecting many friends and communities. While some speculate about the causes, it’s clear that multiple factors contributed to the disaster. I reflected on the challenges of fame and the misconceptions surrounding immigrant communities in Ohio, where I supported local Haitian restaurants. As I navigate the complexities of celebrity life, I can't help but notice the absurdities around me, including the troubles of friends like Puffy. With Donald Trump returning as president, I urge him to remember the weight of his responsibilities. Regardless of opinions, empathy for all, especially for those displaced, is crucial. Thank you, and good night.

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Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election; it's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, Kamala lost big time. You're wrong, and you're a total loser. Your show sucks and will get low ratings. You've gone from raging bull to nobody, a disgrace. It's a horror. Kamala's probably drunk somewhere. Can you believe that guy called me the president of Virgin? Look at that crowd. It's a disgrace, but we won big, okay? Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Want to do a little dance? Come here.

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Welcome to MSNBC's inauguration weekend coverage. Tonight, I'm joined by our panel: Ari Melber, Joy Reid, Stephanie Rule, and Chris Hayes. We have a lot to discuss, including the LA wildfires, the TikTok ban, and the upcoming inauguration. Ari mentions the chaos surrounding Trump, while Stephanie questions his serious intentions about invading Canada and Greenland. Joy emphasizes the need to focus on Trump's actions rather than his statements. Breaking news reveals Trump making bizarre comments about Connecticut and wildfire victims. The discussion shifts to Trump's distractions from critical issues like disaster relief and climate change. Claire McCaskill joins to provide substance, but more breaking news about Trump’s antics continues to emerge, including his plans involving Don Junior and the Emerald City. Finally, we touch on Trump's tariffs and a strange declaration of war on sharks.

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Thank you! It's great to be here. I just recovered from the flu, which got me thinking about who might have given it to me. I suspect it was a shoeless cowboy I sat next to on a flight. On a different note, ladies, you’re struggling in the political arena. Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach—find a balance between professionalism and charm. The election dragged on forever, and it’s hard to believe Trump didn’t win earlier. His resilience is impressive, especially after getting shot and still acting fearless. I recently woke up at 3 AM to Shaquille O'Neal selling printer ink, which was surreal. It’s surprising he’s still working despite his wealth. We have a great show ahead, so stick around!

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Following Donald Trump's election, SNL cast members express their unwavering support for him. They claim to see themselves in him and admire him as a role model. One cast member admits to voting for Trump 50 times in Pennsylvania, while another identifies as one of the 8% of black women who voted for him. The cast then debuts a "Hot Jacked Trump" impression, vowing to portray Trump in a flattering light moving forward because he is their hero and will eventually be king. They express excitement for "Trump 2.0" and look forward to what he will do with the country. One cast member regrets missing out on another January 6th event. Referencing Elon Musk, they state that if the planet falls apart, they can go to Mars with him. "Doc Mega" then appears, stating that he runs the country now and America will be like one of his rockets, which could blow up and kill everyone. Finally, the cast encourages young men who helped elect Trump and Elon to feel empowered.

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to host Saturday Night Live after the election, but eventually agreed. Shortly after, wildfires devastated LA, affecting many friends and families. The fires were the most expensive natural disaster in U.S. history, and while some blamed arsonists, it was a combination of factors, including extreme winds. I also reflected on the challenges of fame, sharing a humorous take on celebrity culture and my support for the Haitian community in Ohio. As we navigate life, we should evolve and learn from our mistakes. With Donald Trump returning as president, I expressed hope for better leadership and empathy, especially for displaced individuals worldwide. Thank you, and good night.

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Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update. This week, America debated who will portray a suspect in a Netflix miniseries. After the arrest of Luigi Mangione, a note revealed his anger at corporate America, despite his visits to Starbucks and McDonald's. In New Jersey, tensions rose over mysterious drones after one crashed into a backyard. Donald Trump was named Time's person of the year, while Amazon plans to donate $1 million to his inauguration. Trump also joked about ending daylight savings time by challenging the sun. Matt Gaetz will host a new talk show, and a lawyer has petitioned to revoke the polio vaccine approval. Elon Musk donated $20 million to a group claiming Trump and Ruth Bader Ginsburg agreed on abortion. Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson made her Broadway debut, while Mitch McConnell suffered minor injuries after a fall during a lunch.

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According to Speaker 0, the former president is less criminal than the current president, who had pending cases when sworn in and has 34 felony convictions. Speaker 0 hasn't seen anyone with a rap sheet like the current president's. Speaker 1 thanks Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett for her support for democracy and the integrity she brings. Speaker 1 played a clip of Crockett's first appearance on the show three years prior and states this is the second to last episode of the show. Both speakers express gratitude and mutual appreciation.

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Hey, Maga. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

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Thank you, everyone! It's the big SNOW Christmas show, and I can't believe the holidays are here. I'm grateful to Lorne Michaels for hosting tonight. This is my fifth time hosting, and I’m excited to join the five-timers club. The holidays can be stressful, but I have a solution! Gather around, everyone. Christmas can feel overwhelming, but we can lighten the mood. Let’s sing about needing a new prescription to cope with holiday stress. It’s all about finding joy and managing anxiety. So, remember, take care of yourselves, and don’t forget to ask for help if you need it. We have a great show tonight, so stick around!

The Megyn Kelly Show

Donald Trump Survives Assassination Attempt at Rally, with Lowry, Sexton, Prager, Bolling, and More
Guests: Lowry, Sexton, Prager, Bolling
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Good evening, everyone. I'm Megyn Kelly. Breaking news from Butler, Pennsylvania: former President Donald Trump was the target of an assassination attempt, grazed by a bullet but is reported safe. The Butler County District Attorney confirmed that an audience member was killed, and the shooter is dead, likely shot by law enforcement. Another individual is in serious condition. Video footage shows Trump, bloodied but resilient, raising his fist and urging the crowd to "fight," demonstrating his determination despite the chaos. Rich Lowry from National Review commented on the shocking nature of the event, suggesting that the heightened rhetoric surrounding Trump has created a dangerous atmosphere. He expressed deep concern for the state of the country, reflecting on historical assassination attempts and their impact on political history. The discussion highlighted the emotional weight of the moment and the potential consequences of such violence on American democracy. The hosts and guests discussed the implications of the attack, with some expressing anger over the treatment of Trump and the rhetoric used against him. They noted the resilience shown by Trump and his supporters during the incident, emphasizing the need for unity and a return to civility in political discourse. The conversation also touched on the role of the media in shaping perceptions of Trump and the potential for increased support for him following this incident. Eyewitness accounts described the chaos during the shooting, with people initially mistaking gunfire for fireworks. The bravery of attendees who stood their ground was noted, as well as the need for improved security measures at such events. The Secret Service's response was praised, but questions were raised about how the shooter was able to access a vantage point to fire at Trump. As the discussion continued, the guests reflected on the broader implications of political violence and the need for accountability among political leaders. They criticized the left for its inflammatory rhetoric and the normalization of violence against political opponents. The conversation underscored the urgency of addressing these issues to prevent further escalation. Dennis Prager joined the discussion, emphasizing the historical context of leftist rhetoric and its potential to incite violence. He called for a recognition of the dangers posed by such language and the need for a moral stand against it. The guests concluded by expressing hope for a return to civility and a united front against the divisive forces in American politics. In summary, the attempted assassination of Donald Trump has sparked a national conversation about political violence, the role of rhetoric in inciting such acts, and the need for unity and accountability in American politics. The resilience shown by Trump and his supporters during the incident serves as a reminder of the stakes involved in the upcoming election and the importance of protecting democratic values.

The Megyn Kelly Show

President Trump is Back, Executive Orders, and Biden's Last Minute Pardons, with Jashinsky & Johnson
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Megyn Kelly opens the show celebrating the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 47th president, with JD Vance as vice president. The day began with a church service, showcasing a return to class and grace in the White House, highlighted by Melania Trump's stunning outfit. President Biden welcomed Trump to the White House, shortly after announcing pardons for several individuals, including members of his family and Dr. Fauci, as he left office. At noon, Trump was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts, with a crowd of supporters cheering enthusiastically from the Capital One Arena. Trump’s inaugural speech focused on unity, optimism, and a commitment to putting America first, declaring a new era of peace and prosperity. He announced executive actions, including recognizing only two genders, declaring a national emergency at the southern border, and resuming border wall construction. He emphasized the importance of American identity and the spirit of exploration and innovation. The hosts discussed the significance of Trump's executive orders, particularly regarding immigration and gender identity, noting broad public support for many of these policies. They highlighted polling data showing substantial backing for deportations and opposition to accommodating trans individuals in sports. The conversation also touched on the media's portrayal of Trump and the inauguration, with critiques of their focus on race and diversity. Kelly and her guests reflected on the cultural shift since Trump's first term, noting that many corporate leaders now want to associate with him, contrasting with the previous administration. They discussed the implications of Trump's policies on education, gender, and immigration, predicting significant legal challenges ahead. The show concluded with a heartfelt moment reflecting on JD Vance's background and his journey to the vice presidency, emphasizing the importance of personal stories in politics. The hosts expressed optimism for the future, highlighting the need for unity and support for Trump's agenda as the country moves forward.
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