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If you oppose Elon Musk and Doge's federal audit, you're involved in money laundering. We deserve to know how our tax dollars are spent. The government's wasteful spending is outrageous; they spend money on ridiculous things, like studying Thanos' snap and animal surgeries. They also wasted billions in USAID. It's time for a federal audit—a 10% audit is needed because the government is constantly interfering in our lives. Finally, someone is holding them accountable. Tomorrow's Super Bowl will feature Elon Musk's $40 million ad campaign exposing government waste. This is fantastic news!

We're not debating whether there's waste in government; everyone agrees on that. The issue is how we're addressing it. Firing staff overseeing nuclear weapons, only to realize the mistake and try to bring them back, seems clumsy. It's like using a sledgehammer to remove fat from a steak, making a mess. You're focusing on the messenger, not the results. Under the Biden administration, someone in charge of nuclear secrets, who stole women's luggage, wasn't questioned. Humans make mistakes, but these programs are bloated. People are upset about returning to work, but no one disagrees there's bloat. Why aren't you exposing wasteful spending like the $10 million for circumcisions in Mozambique? You only focus on Elon Musk and Donald Trump, which is why your ratings are down.

Okay, people, we need to address these budget abuses! Millions are being spent on bizarre programs like body positivity for captive Haitians, glitter bombs for Saudi Imams, and chocolate fondue for East Ukrainian Hebrews. And don't even get me started on the McFlurries for Pakistani furries, which are getting cut. We're also cutting funds for Kool-Aid water fountains for North Korean accountants, abortion on demand for pandas in Japan, and Smarties for Iraqi slumber parties. Other cuts include destigmatizing marijuana in Uganda and sausage male dancers for Australians with COVID cancer. We are also trimming expenses for teaching zodiac to Iraq, high-speed trains in Ukraine, welfare for aboriginal feminists, and sex changes for polar bears. We are reducing spending on IUDs for Corgis, easy-bake ovens for Saudi covens, alternative fuels for Afghani polycules, and free handgun ammunition for USAID positions. Finally, check out Hollow, an app for guided prayers and meditations to grow closer to God.

I'm double vaccinated, got a booster, flu shot, and even the shingle shot. And guess what? I still get my period. I've been traveling, went to Mexico twice, did shows, meet and greets, and never got COVID. It's clear that Jesus loves me the most. So nice.

I was corrected on a statement I made about $50,000,000 in condoms being sent to Gaza. The condoms were actually sent to Mozambique for an HIV prevention program. I admit to making mistakes; it's impossible to be perfectly accurate all the time. I will correct errors quickly. However, I question whether sending that many condoms anywhere is a good use of funds, and I doubt it's something most Americans would support. The sheer volume is significant.

They caught the person who killed the UHC CEO. It's strange that the gunman didn't leave the US after such a professional hit. The tip-off came from a McDonald's worker. While I don't support violence, it would be amusing if he got beaten up and ended up with a huge hospital bill because he was out of network. That thought brings a smile to my face, even though I'm not advocating for it.

I can take a nap while this guy, who wasn't born in the U.S. and grew up under apartheid in South Africa, does my job. He might even be a foreign agent or an enemy of the United States. I'm getting some flack for saying Musk was pro-apartheid. I don't really know for sure, but he grew up during that time, so maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. He might have been young. So, Elon, please don't sue me!

Trump says the administration removed wasteful items from the budget, which upset Congresswoman Ocasio Cortez and the socialist wing of the Democratic Party. They took out items that existed under President Biden and are demanding they be put back in. Examples cited include: $3,000,000 for circumcision and vasectomies in Zambia; $500,000 of American taxpayer money for electric buses in Rwanda; $3,600,000 for pastry cooking classes and dance focus groups for male prostitutes in Haiti. I kid you not. $6,000,000 for media organizations for the Palestinians; $833,000 for transgender people in Nepal; $300,000 for a pride parade in Lesotho; $882,000 for social media and mentorship in Serbia; $4,200,000; $4,200,000 for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and intersex people in the Western Balkans and Uganda. The congresswoman and the socialist wing threaten to shut down the government till we get this back in. The fight is about putting this back in the bill.

They've changed toilet paper by quietly adding PFAS, or forever chemicals. These chemicals, originally used for waterproofing and non-stick pans, are linked to bowel Big C. Unlike other chemicals, PFAS don't break down. They build up in your body with each use, especially since your skin is absorbent in that area. Some brands even donate to Big C research, which might be a cover-up. How did toilet paper end up like this? It's no accident. Just like with toothpaste and band-aids, these toxins come into direct contact with the most absorbent parts of your body. So, when you reach for that roll, consider what you're really wiping with. This is just a joke for entertainment purposes.

We must end the climate change hoax. USAID wastes taxpayer money, launders money, and acts as a CIA front to manipulate public opinion and affect regime change. USAID even indirectly funded the Wuhan lab, which unleashed COVID totalitarianism. People are fed up with the unelected bureaucrats in organizations like the WHO, who are accountable only to their Chinese donors. We should follow President Trump's lead. We must end the Green Deal, development aid, and the WHO. Give us Doge instead so we can fight these despicable globalists.

An officer sent a strange email to the Board, making exaggerated claims about our business expenses. One of the claims was that Project Veritas paid for James O'Keefe's wedding down payment. This made me laugh because I'm not married.

I have been accused of being paid for my vaccination videos on social media, but I am not. I want to know who is paying others for these videos and why I am not benefiting. I am open to being paid in Bitcoin if the global elite decides to pay me. Let me know if you pay in Bitcoin.

I've been watching Democrats on TV constantly yelling "Elon Musk" over and over. Honestly, I'm enjoying it. What I find amusing is that they're angry at the person who exposed the fraud, but not at those who misused taxpayer money. Since Congress obviously can't cut a budget, I want to thank Elon for stepping up and doing our job.

Okay, team, we need to address some serious budget overspending. I'm talking millions on bizarre projects like body positivity initiatives for captive Haitians, glitter bombs for Saudi Imams, and chocolate fondue for Ukrainian Hebrews. And it doesn't stop there: McFlurries for Pakistani furries? Kool-Aid fountains for North Korean accountants? Abortion on demand for Japanese pandas? Some of these programs are getting cut, including those Iraqi slumber parties and destigmatizing marijuana in Uganda. Sausage male dancers for Australians with COVID, gender-fluid Iraq zodiac lessons, high-speed trains for Ukrainian hermaphrodites, and sex changes for polar bears. Even Saudi Arabian easy bake ovens are in question. And lastly, we're cutting free handgun ammunition for all USAID positions. Now, a word from our sponsor, Hollow, the prayer app.

There's a lot of inefficiency in government that needs addressing. When it comes to which agencies to shut down, I'll let Elon Musk share his thoughts, as he's eager to discuss this. Musk is not just known for his work in science and rockets; he's also an excellent businessman and cost cutter. He often shares innovations, like a new titanium screw he's developed, which showcases his focus on efficiency and improvement.

We had a productive discussion about USAID, an issue I've focused on for years in the Senate. USAID has consistently obstructed my congressional oversight efforts. I shared examples of waste within the organization during a recent conversation on X Spaces with Elon. It's crucial that we scrutinize every dollar spent there, and I'm pleased to see a shift in oversight to the State Department.

I've issued a deadline for agencies to submit waste reduction plans. Failure to comply will result in tech support intervention, which is essentially what my team is doing – fixing outdated government computer systems. We aim to find a trillion dollars in savings to prevent national bankruptcy. Every agency will have a "mini Elon Musk" to justify spending. We're freezing government credit cards for 30 days and doing a pulse check via email to see if employees are real and responsive, we suspect some are dead or even fictional. Some people are upset with our aid to Ukraine which has been spent on things like fashion shows, wine, and cheese puffs. Providing money to LGBTQ individuals in Serbia is also coming under fire. Some are questioning the loyalty of Elon Musk because of this. The Biden years proved we don't even need an active president, because institutions are running everything behind the scenes.

USAID is a fraud and a slush fund for left-wing projects globally, with very little being put to good use. This occurs while denying funds to those who clearly need them, with only cents on the dollar reaching those in need. USAID was initially created for humanitarian purposes, but it has been captured by the military-industrial complex, becoming a sinister propagator of totalitarianism and war. The US government, through USAID, has funded things like DEI initiatives in Serbia, gender surgeries worldwide, sex change surgeries in Guatemala, and social media influencers in Ukraine. USAID is using taxpayer dollars to fund opposition and subvert democracy in other countries. USAID and the CIA don't promote democracy; they are run by radical lunatics that we are working to remove. As an American taxpayer, I don't want my dollars going towards this.

Do any of you still like America? It's shocking that people are upset about Doge while our government has been wasting money on ridiculous projects for years. For example, $7 million on magic studies, $1.5 million using kittens to study motion sickness, and $6.9 million on smart toilets that recognize users. We spent $118,000 to see if a metal Thanos could snap his fingers and $75,000 on a study of lizards blown off trees with leaf blowers. In 2023, $150.7 billion went to those protesting and burning flags. If you don’t like America, feel free to leave. Those in power are benefiting from this global money laundering, and it’s time to reconsider where you stand.

We need one more joke to wrap this up. How about a prominent Democrat maskless in a room full of masked schoolchildren? That’s too close to reality. Let’s go dumber. Apple introduces a pregnant man emoji. Already happened. John Kerry warns the Ukraine war might distract from climate change. CDC recommends social distancing. A math professor claims 2 plus 2 equals 4 is racist. A man who undermined women in sports is celebrated. What if Biden started a program to give crack pipes to drug addicts for racial equity? That’s absurd! But it sounds like something he might actually do. Dinner’s here! Did you hear about the president giving out free crack pipes?

Under president Biden, they were spending $3,000,000 for circumcisions and vasectomies in Zambia; we took that out. The congresswoman says, we're gonna shut down government till you put that back in. We found $500,000 for electric buses in Rwanda and $3,600,000 for pastry cooking classes and dance focus groups for male prostitutes in Haiti—again, we took it out. Ocasio Cortez and the socialist wing of the Democratic Party say we gotta put these back in or shut the government down. They demand: $6,000,000 for media organizations for the Palestinians; $833,000 for transgender people in Nepal; $4,200,000 for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and intersex people in the Western Balkans and Uganda. We took all that out; it upsets Ocasio Cortez, and they threaten all other Democrats to shut down the government till they get what they want.

I apologize to Democrats. Tomorrow, during the Super Bowl, Elon Musk will run three commercials exposing what you've been voting for. For those who defended Kamala Harris, I look forward to your reaction when you see twenty years of Democrats' actions with your money. Their support of questionable policies was to keep you in the dark, but now the truth is out. How will you feel defending a party that has been stealing from and lying to you? I can't wait to see the fallout tomorrow.

I'm considering taking in an Israeli refugee, but I have some concerns. I joke about giving them a shelf and fridge, but then I might end up sleeping in my own shed because the toilet is occupied. It's funny, right? I recently did a job where I got heavily booed for a joke, but I believe if you don't like it, you can leave. I care about the people in Gaza.

I Googled USAID and apparently Trump and Elon shut off the world's oxygen supply. But what's missing from these stories is any reporting on what USAID was spending money on, like sketchy projects they funneled billions into, or why shutting it down might be a good thing. USAID was dropping millions on gender studies in countries that still stone women, funding infrastructure projects where nothing ever got built, and paying for DC cocktail parties instead of actual aid. The media is acting like USAID was a holy temple when in reality, it was just a government ATM with no withdrawal limits. Nobody even knew what USAID did until Trump shut it down. If your charity dies when the free government money stops flowing, it wasn't a charity. It was a money laundering Ponzi scheme. And the fact that CNN is crying tells you everything.

Thanks for having me, Colin. By the way, my eyes are down here. So, I’m glad about the ruling in the UK that makes bald jokes off-limits. I’m tired of them! I’ve heard all the jokes, like how my head looks like an old spice deodorant when I wear a red turtleneck. Once, during jury duty with other bald men, the defendant joked we looked like a carton of eggs. And yes, I lotion my head because it gets dry. You probably make insensitive jokes, like asking if the carpet matches the drapes. No, it’s actually quite hairy down there! All this talk is making me sweaty. I dare you to laugh! By the way, I’m also impotent. Don’t laugh. Just go away.