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So, we're brainstorming ideas for the new Prince Eric movie. Should we put a woman in it and make her gay, or try something different from the recent Indiana Jones approach? Forget Indiana Jones. Let's just put a woman in it and make her gay, right? Kathleen Kennedy's on the Bambi set, messing things up. Diverse woman? King deer? Bambi's a baby. Screw baby deer. I want a chicken and make her gay. I sent Kennedy to Spago for lunch and she ordered linguine and clam sauce. I told them to put a chicken in it and make her gay and lame. The chef didn't understand, but I want a gay, lame chicken in linguine!

I'm amazed to be part of the entertainment industry, coming from a small town in Indiana. And just to clarify, I am not a pedophile.

Their house looks good. I love podcasts. Oh, I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking. Gravity's Rainbow is my favorite book. I'm Charlie. I'm Ben. Would you ever watch where you're going? You charged into me like a rhino! It's November; shouldn't you be with the Halloween decorations? What are you listening to? A podcast on how to be less of a coward? You have something in your hair—oh, it's a rat. I thought I was unlucky in love. Hi, I had to draw you; I call it "getting hit by a garbage truck." Most lesbians are fans. You can say my music sucks. At least you know who I am. We're on SNL! You're like 6'7" with the confidence of a 52-year-old. We're way more brat than you—brat stands for being really awesome together. Good day!

I am perceived as the nicest guy in Hollywood, which means no one suspects me of hiding any secrets in my backyard.

Here I come! Who's number one on the invitation list? Leonardo DiCaprio! That's why I'm voting for Kamala Harris. Got it? Oh, wow!

Here's your DNA test. We sent it to the lab and got the results back immediately. Look at this: European, Siberian, East Asian. Wait a minute... 97.7% Jewish. Are you Jewish? Yes? You're in a room full of Jewish people. Are you scared? No? Welcome to Hollywood! I went to Katz Deli when I was in New York. It's really good. Look around the room - everyone here is Jewish. It's crazy, right? How do you feel about all this? I've always loved the world.

Here we are with the most important TV and film execs in the world, and you're all terrified of Ronan Farrow. It was a big year for pedophile movies like Surviving R Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. But nobody cares about movies anymore. Everyone's watching Netflix. I could just say, "Well done, Netflix. You win. Good night." This show is so long, you could binge watch the entire first season of afterlife instead. That's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies and it's still more fun than this. He didn't kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. If you win an award tonight, don't make a political speech. You're in no position to lecture the public. You know nothing about the real world. Accept your award, thank your agent and your god, and get off the stage.

Let's get this straight: my best friend, Girl, versus my best friend, Brad. Hi, I'm Brad, and yes, I can read. So, Brad, you're beat? Dinner's on you! Perfect! That's what I'm talking about.

I am a cook. I like when people fuck on my bitch. People see my Twitter, but they don't say what they say to my face. With all of the money and fame, I still can't get my kids back. Niggas see my Twitter, but they don't see how I be feeling. So I became a Nazi. I'm the villain. How Hitler? They don't understand the things I say on Twitter. All my niggas Nazis. How Hitler?

The discussion centers on stress, guilt, and conflict. "Is that why you look a little haggard right now? Because you look a little worn. No offense." "I've been drinking a lot, but Is that because of the stress of this?" "Of course, stress, guilt, just conflict of all kinds." "I do feel bad about it. I also feel proud of it." "It's a terrible conflict. Because you've pulled off one of the greatest hoaxes ever because of your And because I made a film, if you wanna call it a film, which I considered to be my masterpiece." "And you can't take credit or even talk about it as if as if Well, I'm here you are now. I'm hereby taking service. Right." "But you can't actually go out. You're doing when people see this"

You were right, I couldn't say much. You got the most screenshot. This will be the best film you've ever made.

So, Hollywood might actually be dying after this. A film called Emilia Perez is nominated for 13 Oscars and it's not a joke. It has nominations for things like mammoplasty, vaginoplasty, and controlled laryngoplasty, also known as Adam's apple reduction. I wonder if the subject matter wasn't so controversial if it would still be nominated for this many awards if the quality of the film was all the same. I think there's a desire to reward progressive stories, but films for faith-based audiences never get lauded in Hollywood because they can't really celebrate that type of messaging.

Did you see the Oscars? Kate Winslet finally won for The Reader, where I play a tormented man who had an affair with her Nazi character. But, I don't get why I'm so upset in the movie. It's Kate Winslet! So, she was a Nazi, but she's hot. I'm Jewish, and I'd do it. You'd do it. Everybody would do it. But my character has to be all tortured and pained, like such a drama queen. Get over yourself!

I wish I could be here more often, but Will definitely has everything handled. This morning, I went into the Oval Office for our meeting, and I asked the president if everything was alright. Also, I want to thank the Academy for this tremendous honor. This might be the greatest moment of my life. Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be a real actor.

We did it! You were right, I couldn't say much. Is this not going to be the best film ever? Hell yeah! Are you recording?

In this room are influential TV and film executives, all seemingly intimidated by Ronan Farrow. It's been a significant year for controversial films, but honestly, no one cares about traditional cinema anymore; everyone is streaming on Netflix. This show could simply acknowledge Netflix's dominance and end there, but instead, we stretch it out unnecessarily. Even a dark comedy about grief is more enjoyable than this event. If you win an award tonight, please refrain from making political speeches. Most of you have less real-world experience than Greta Thunberg. Just come up, accept your award, thank your agent, and leave.

I heard someone could win some money here, and I know exactly who that is. The church lady! That is the church lady. $400 for you! Speaking of church, if more folks went to church, we wouldn't be in this mess we're in now. I agree with you! No, no, no, no. It's just a history. Maybe I'll start a show for you to come on, and we'll call it White Jeopardy. No, we don't need it! Let's slow it down a little bit. We're gonna take a break. When we return to Black Jeopardy, we will see if anyone has watched any of this year's Oscar movies.

Hitler was a pedophile and kind of a pagan. It's like, well, he was also really fucking cool. Anybody who watches these videos where he's rolling down the street and stuff, it's like, this guy's this guy's awesome. This guy's cool. You're saying you're a you're a white supremacist? I'm not a white supremacist. I'm Mexican. I know. The exchange centers on controversial views about Hitler and a denial of white-supremacist affiliation.

In Inglorious Basterds, Christophe Waltz played a Nazi obsessed with finding Jews. Well, Christophe.

Let's get this straight: my best friend, Girl, versus my best friend, Brad (that's me!). I can read, and guess what? I won! Girl, you got beat! Dinner's on you. That's what I'm talking about!

Good evening, Colin. I crossed oceans of time to find you, and the traffic was crazy. It's great to see you, original Nosferatu. Wow, it's much smaller than I imagined. Not the studio—your penis! You keep it out all day? Oh my God, I visited sick kids at the hospital. What did you think of the new Nosferatu movie? I thought it sucked. Vampire humor sucks. Speaking of, I want to suck your neck. Please don’t touch me with your cold fingers. I really liked the movie, though I wish I had auditioned. You might be a little jealous of the new Nosferatu. Jealous? He looks nothing like me! You can barely do one sit-up and can't grow facial hair. Whatever, Colin. You can’t grow a mustache either. I need to suck some blood. Time to visit my favorite cast member, Sarah Sherman. Nosferatu, everyone. Good night!

I can't believe you think I'm white. You don't know me. Find this guy for me after the show. I could end this show right now and do something else.

Jonathan was taken hostage by the Jews. Bring the hostage home now. Second, some activists claim they will save America and they are the ones who know the cure for all diseases in the world, especially the cure for America. I will appreciate the work over the years. These people operate with anonymous accounts. I have no problem with anonymous accounts in principle, but I do not support being a rat, a weasel, a low-life social media account. I don’t see them as persons because they are weasels—social media accounts seeking likes, follows, and views. They are not sincere. If your buddy, who had the same views and the same following, was bigger than you and got doxxed, his life was taken from him, and they never let him become big again. Every week his account was suspended while yours ran. You know nothing about real war, sacrifice, being in prison cells, courts, rifles pointed at you. You live in comfortable lives in front of a phone or a computer. I know grifters and hypocrisy. Degrading to the level of rats I did not expect from you. The best thing you can do is shut your mouth when someone on your side—your companion—is held hostage. If you have something negative to say, so be silent. If you don’t want to support him openly with your anonymous account, at least shut your mouth. If you can’t express explicit support, say nothing. But I see you making spaces to disown him and recount what you told him not to do. Is this the time for such commentary when a friend is hostage? Is this the time to reveal your supposed wise advice or to disown him and say you won’t interact with him anymore? So you, with anonymous accounts, are you the cue for America, you fucking rats? You are not sincere in anything, even with your own. You are the cube for America. You are fucking weasels, despicable human beings, and I disown you. I will not interact with you. This is the biggest humiliation to my self-honor to entertain the idea of being in your space. Being with hypocrites, rats, weasels, treacherous motherfuckers, disgusting people. And they will speak to me about national socialism in Germany. Who the fuck are you to mention them?

I missed all of you and I promise I won't leave again. We'll make more pictures after Salome. This is my life, just us, the cameras, and the people in the dark. Mister DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

I squeak like a chirping grasshopper or a squeaky screen door. I want to be a backup girl. What's wrong with Justin's hair? We need a global movement. Men think we go from oral to anal, but I don't anymore. I think about Lisa and horses. Welcome back. Kader is spelled k h a d r. Omar Connery has more class than the entire cabinet. Thank you.