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I am perceived as the nicest guy in Hollywood, which means no one suspects me of hiding any secrets in my backyard.

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You spent five years in prison for failing to pay child support for Miss Seer's son, Dylan. Yes, I am his father and I still talk to him. She should be held accountable for some crime, but I shouldn't be. I didn't have a problem.

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New Yorkers hate politicians they can't trust more than those they disagree with. The speaker was asked if their different speaking accents in different scenarios are real or affected. They responded that as an immigrant born in Kampala, Uganda, raised in South Africa, and moving to the US at seven, there are different parts of their life. They referenced a worldwide tour and press tour when they were a rapper. They mentioned bringing flavor to fish and rice. They also mentioned being in a Disney movie directed by their mother, stating nepotism and hard work go a long way, and that they speak a certain way in New York City.

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As a child, I attended 37 different schools because my parents were in the movie business and running from a cult. This combination could lead to paranoia, according to psychologists.

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Speaker 0 describes a youth with experiences around fashion, travel, and media attention: “Junk kids in Tokyo, fashion shoots in Milan, and me with phone books so that I wouldn't bruise,” and expresses exhaustion with privileged celebrations and indulgences, including “rich kids bar mitzvahs or pigs leftovers with Saudi princess,” a reference to West and Morse code, and a past incident at the VMAs where they were sprayed with a hose for three days. They also say that when their sails drop off, they’ll be taken to a resort and “let rich businessmen hunt me down for sport.” Speaker 1 interjects to introduce themselves, saying, “Hold up. I’m just coming in on the song to check on what y’all talking about,” and adds, “Don’t think of me as a record exec, but I’m Bubba, Big Yell, and Powell. This kid's a real prankster.”

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They've arrested the hot assassin named Luigi, a 26-year-old Ivy League graduate with degrees in computer science from Penn. It's surprising he got caught at McDonald's, and I can't blame the employee for turning him in, especially with the reward raised to $60,000. I never understood why some women write to inmates, but I can see the appeal now.

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Speaker 0 asks if Speaker 1 really attended 37 different schools as a child. Speaker 1 responds that their parents were in the movie business and "on the run from a cult, on the run from a cult, on the run from a cult," citing this combination as the reason. Speaker 0 suggests a psychologist might view the movie business as a recipe for paranoia.

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Speaker 0 stated that someone "trained me to have to be perfect." Speaker 1 then mentioned "working for Diddy," to which Speaker 0 responded, "Absolutely." Speaker 1 expressed affection for Diddy, calling him a "good friend" and "good guy." Speaker 0 stated that "he expects—" before Speaker 1 interjected, asking, "Is he a good guy?" Speaker 0 responded, "I don't wanna answer that question." Speaker 1 concluded by saying, "I think he's a good guy. I'm a stick up for—"

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The discussion centers on the idea that his shtick hinges on the perception that he is the character he plays—“every man” who isn’t right wing but a populist fighting for the people against the powers that be. This is illustrated with a personal anecdote: “This is the truck that I drove this morning. This is the truck I drive. It's a 1987 Chevrolet Silverado. There are no electronics in this. There's no air conditioning. There's no radio, and there's no way for the government to turn off my engine if I'm disobedient.” The speaker cautions that “the moment that it's revealed not to be true, it's over. It's like you're worth 50,000,000 not worth $50,000,000. 30 to 50. Get off the fucking Internet, son. Don't stop believing that stuff.” Speaker 1 pushes back, claiming, “No. No. I'm a but see, I'm not out of the closet to leave this. I don't run around pretending to be a man of the people. I'm absolutely not a man of the people at all.” The conversation touches on money and upbringing: “I had the privilege of not being interested in money because I and I grew up in a family where we're worried about money, so I just never really thought about money.” Speaker 2 contributes background on Tucker’s lineage, noting, “Tucker's great, great… great grandfather was known as the cattle king of California, the largest, landowner in The United States in the nineteenth century. Just to give you an idea of the enormous wealth.” The discussion continues with Tucker’s financial succession, “Tucker and his brother did end up with a part of the oil and gas, minerals that she owned in her estate. So even that went well for Tucker.” There is a mention of apparent wealth and inheritance: “Well, I'm, like, extraordinarily loaded just from, like, money I, you know, inherited from my number of trust funds. From a Swanson deal.” The dialogue clarifies family ties: “She wasn't your mother. How I felt. That's I had a mother. I mean That's right. My dad got remarried to someone I think of as my mother.” There is a note on the father’s marriage to Patricia Caroline Swanson in 1979, described as “the heir to the Swanson billion dollar fortune. They're frozen food family. Serve Swanson dinner soon.” The exchange reiterates inherited wealth and the question of authenticity: “You're a trust fund baby, are you not? No. Completely. I've never needed to work.” The closing reflection suggests a critique of the shtick: “I think there's kind of a deep phoniness at the center of his shtick.” The final line cites a concrete memory: “I worked in a kitchen in 1985. Everybody in the kitchen had a criminal record. Every single one. But, of course, every dishwasher has been to prison for something. Right?”

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Stand back for me. Can I ask you something? I'm never gonna do it again. Are you sure? What are you not going to do again? What I did here. What did you do? Don’t be scared. I'm 26. Where do you study? West London. What campus? I’m not sure about the campus. You’re lying. You don’t go to university, do you? I don’t. How long have you been in England? Two months. You came here to work and study, right? Yeah. Not to mess with underage girls. True. Your cab is here. What was that? There’s another cab. Show them my cab. That’s your cab.

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Mister Crooks was asked if he was aware of his son's activities and why his son had a limited social circle. He was also asked if he had a statement to share. Mister Crooks stated he had to pee.

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When you turn 16, you can have this. And when you turn 18, you'll get a mansion. You smell great. How old are you? What music do you listen to? I feel violated. Can you say it again? You have nice lips. Can you give me the sex talk? Why are you involving me in this? It's a 15-year-old's dream. I have temporary custody of Usher for the next 48 hours. We're going crazy.

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The speaker is questioned about his time at West Point Grey Academy and his relationship with a convicted sex offender. The speaker denies any involvement in sexual misconduct and refers to his autobiography for more information. The speaker is then asked about the attention he received from teenage girls in the yearbook and if there were any relationships with them or their mothers. The speaker claims to have been a good teacher and struggles to remember the details of his departure from the school.

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Yeah, Diddy's here, he's been kind. I have made some friends. It's a strange place here, though. It's a mix of a few other high profile cases and a lot of former, or supposed former, gangsters.

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Coco, courtside at Knicks games with models, uninterested in them. Claims he could make hits. God gave him the "GIF," not to slam her. His Rolly doesn't tick. He attracts many men. He's caught up in the mix. Hollywood has the same women. He didn't expect this path, went to school for "paying pics," now he paints.

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I grew up in Waimanalo, Hawaii, and knew Barry Sotoro, who presented himself as a foreign student. He was part of the local gay community and was known for being a pathological liar, often sharing outrageous stories to boost his ego. He would brag about having cocaine, which he likely obtained through relationships with older men. I contacted the FBI about his use of fake social security numbers, but they showed no interest. I always found it odd how he transitioned to Punahou School, given his background. It seems there was some unusual influence or support behind his entrance into such an exclusive school, suggesting a deeper connection that remains unclear.

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That's Robert De Niro's house, and I hired an actor to play his illegitimate son, Ja'Marcus. I'm back, it's your favorite president! You didn't come out last time, so I hired an investigator and found your illegitimate son, Jamarcus. I'm officially placing $200,000,000 in tariffs on your building until you come out and speak to me and your son, Jamarcus. His mother, Laquisha, who you abandoned very strongly, got shot. I'm officially adopting Jamarcus myself. Believe me. I hired a private investigator, I'm kidding. The goal was to troll him. I found out about his premiere and knew he would be there. My younger brother is a bit of an autograph hound and knows where all the celebrities are going to be. Plus, I have a friend at TMZ. I have a little network of people helping me out.

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I'm from Israel and had a tough past, including jail. I sold drugs and trafficked Russian women while in the IDF. I got kicked out, but stopped trafficking. The other person was shocked by my actions.

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Have you ever met Saka? We've talked a lot about him. Have you ever met him? He is the worst.

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Patrick Crusius was white, correct? I don't know his parentage. He was white. I don't understand why you're focusing on race. Because black lives matter, sir. All lives matter, sir. Every single life matters—white, black, Asian. Professor Butler.

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You're from Africa, right? Did you come by plane, bus, or walk? Did you walk from Africa to Mexico? Oh, I see.

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Venezuela, how old are you? Two years? You’ve been with your mom and dad, right? Where are you going? Are you in the United States? --- Venezuela, how old are you? Two years? You’ve been with your mom and dad, right? Where are you going? Are you in the United States?

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Hey Nick, can you come here? Let's talk privately, away from everyone. What do you do here during the day? Just hang out with friends? What are your hobbies? You play video games, huh? What kind of games? Wrestling? Who's your favorite wrestler? We're here because of your online posts. Facebook and TikTok blocked you, right? Unfortunately, you're coming with us. I know you don't want to go, but we have to take you to see a doctor. You can't keep doing what you were doing. I'm sorry, but it's necessary. Please, promise me you won't do it again. I want to believe you.

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I'm not sure if I'm the worst person, or even the killer. Have you ever met Tucker? We've talked a lot about this.

This Past Weekend

Mark Normand | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #258
Guests: Mark Normand
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Mark Normand, a fellow Louisiana native, joins Theo Von. He’s one of a kind and tonight performs at La Jolla Comedy Store in San Diego while touring across America. He describes feeling more comfortable lately, sometimes wearing sunglasses as a disguise, like a poker game where people read him by looking into his eyes. He jokes about fearing others can see what he’s thinking and debating whether sunglasses help. The conversation pivots to the podcasting boom. Theo notes that New York is behind in the podcast game, while the West Coast leans into monetization. They discuss comedians who thrive in the format: Dave Attell, Joe Rogan, Ari Shaffir, and a growing crew including Chris de Stefano, Yanis Pappas, Tim Dillon, and Andrew Schulz. Mark mentions his own Tuesday’s with Stories podcast and the rise of heat for stand-up content in podcast form. They touch on pop culture topics, including the Kobe Bryant death and Ari Shaffir’s controversial Kobe joke video. Mark acknowledges Ari as a friend who pushes boundaries and says free speech exists, but acknowledges consequences. He argues that Shaffir’s intent wasn’t malicious, that he’s a good guy who gives back, and that cancel culture can be overly punitive. A listener’s question asks what Mark thinks of the Kobe video, and he explains his view that Shaffir’s joke reflected an era of pushing limits and that the public often overreacts. He notes that some fans demand accountability, but argues “who gives a [expletive]” about the video’s existence in the long term, while staying mindful of the harm to others. The discussion broadens to social-media mob mentality, public shaming, and the tension between art and responsibility. They reference other figures like Bert Kreischer and Shane Gillis, and the difficulty of commenting on politics in stand-up without tearing apart the room. From there, the talk shifts to personal history. Mark describes growing up in New Orleans’ Treme, a mix of white and Black neighbors, poverty, crime, and a sense of danger. He recalls frequent house robberies, a mansion purchased by his father with holes in the walls, and neighbors who assumed they were rich. He recounts a night with a pair of plainclothes detectives who stayed in the kitchen all night and ate everything, the fear of intruders, and his childhood’s constant vigilance. He speaks about feeling othered as a white kid amid a predominantly Black neighborhood, the sting of the “white voice” moment in a mall, and the lasting impact of early exposure to racism. He discusses how growing up in that environment shaped his humor, sensitivity, anxiety, and drinking. Mark shares his sobriety journey, anxiety management, and the practice of contrary action—doing what scares you to reduce fear. He speaks about how cancel culture, Twitter mobs, and public shaming have influenced the comedy world. He contrasts New York’s rough comedic atmosphere with Los Angeles’ more curated climate, finding value in both but lamenting the loss of raw ball-busting dialogue in some venues. In closing, they cover Mark’s recent TV and live-work, including two sold-out shows at Dynasty Typewriter, then talk about his upcoming Las Vegas, Chicago, and tour stops. He plugs his live dates on marknormandcomedy.com and his podcast, Tuesdays with Stories. The shareable humor runs through the interview—stories of New Orleans, moped adventures, family dynamics, and the unending grind of stand-up—ending with a promise of more to come on the road.
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