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Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your very handsome commander in chief. Please fasten your seat belts, return your tray tables to their locked and upright positions, and prepare to go home. Mission accomplished, boys. God bless America.

I was asked about Trump becoming speaker and I answered honestly. I think "speaker Trump" sounds great.

So, hold this edge to me. Get out. Sir.

Did President Biden leave you a letter? It might be in my desk. What’s in there? It could take years to find out. Maybe we should read it together. I’ll read it first and then decide. Thank you, Peter. I may not have seen this for months. Happy to assist with the transition. I did leave him a letter in the desk.

Alright, alright! Can't rest, not when you're this good. Too cocky? Maybe! But tonight, we're bestowing the biggest honor of them all. I'm asking our new Secret Service director, Sean Curran, to officially make you an agent of the United States Secret Service.

Speaker 0: Some people have been bitching. Oh my god. They're they're taking down our phone bills. They're listening in our phone calls. They're creating what's called a data mine. Okay? And who owns a data mine? I know they got the data mine. We get chaff. The real issue is what are they doing with it? That database was created by a company called ChoicePoint. Now ChoicePoint was just created just a few years ago by a bunch of Republicans, more Republicans than you find on a Palm Beach country club board. They are the ones that created the evil database that knocked off the black voters. In return for basically electing the president of The United States, they chose our president for us, not the voters. He chose them for over $1,000,000,000 in no bid contracts to maintain the databases on you. And I've talked to the inside executives. And let me tell you, after I talk to the insiders at at the ChoicePoint Corporation, the executives, I wanna lock myself in a closed room. They are matching your phone numbers, your billing medical records, your voting registration records, your driver's licenses, and their latest thing, your DNA. By the way, it is against the law, in case anyone's wondering, to spy on Americans, and the law in question is the constitution. You have to be under suspicion. The trick is that they're privatizing the spy function. They're creating I was gonna say a private FBI, but it's really a private KGB. Their gimmick is they set up this private company choice point, the Republicans. They have last campaign, it's 16,000,000,000 records, and I know it's at least double that since since then. That's illegal for the United States government to keep. They keep the records, and then they sell that information to the US government secretly. Let's put it this way. When they were supposedly hunting illegal voters in Florida, their list was 97% wrong. Let me repeat that. 97% wrong. However, it was perfect for Jeb Bush because what it did get right is it identified black voters, which they could knock off. That's part of the game. Game. It's deliberate wrong. Now they also got wrong. 25% of the DNA evidence in rape cases in Illinois until the the police caught them faking the evidence in rape cases. Can you imagine? Then they got fired. You gotta understand, this is not the Mouthis who get their man. This is the Mouthis who get the political targets for their men. That's what it's about. Speaker 1: I took over George Orwell's old power. He'd appreciate all this, you know. He'd love it.

I want to ask, aren't we all tired of the deep state? Let's say it louder, aren't we all fed up with the deep state?

This man has the power to decide what happens if North Korea fires a missile. Are you okay with that? Let's all go home and reflect on it.

Thank you, Mr. President. At the conclusion of this significant event, expressing gratitude feels insufficient. However, for the millions whose lives will be saved and for the communities that will experience transformation, thank you.

Here's a hat. I think we should make some of these. Do you want one? I'll pass it to you. Are you allowed to take one? I know him well, he's sort of a stiff. I said you're sort of a stiff guy. He'll take other things, but not a free hat. Always say yes to the president. Always say yes to the president. Would anybody like one?

She's doing great. They say it was the best opening week in presidential history, but I think it could be even better. Even CNN is praising him, which surprised me since not many people watch them to confirm it. It’s quite remarkable. Oh, their camera just went off.

Thank you, Mr. President, for supporting the American labor movement.

Judge, why did you want the job? I appoint federal judges, but thanks for serving. Can you make a speech? Hush up, boy.

I love this guy, he's the most loyal best friend in the world. Thank you, Mr. President. Take care of yourself. We'll meet again. The country is in big trouble. I love this guy. How are you? Your eyes are perfect. Say hello to the guys. Thank you very much. I'll be over there.

Finally, he's here. Thanks for nothing.

This is the chainsaw for bureaucracy. Turns off. Alright. I love it. Mister president, thank you so much. Alright. Beautiful. You.

Speaker 0: I'll give you some gentle soft cutters to make you feel comfortable. The knife is clean, no blood, no evidence. The front office is small for me because I'm bulky. Hello, Carly, you're beautiful. If you try anything funny, I'll use the knife. Good boy, doing well for mommy. Just be new for the rest of our lives, dad. Mommy will take care of you. Subscribe or the Reddit crew and Jason will come to your door. Next time, it won't just be on the arms, it'll be here.

A directive has been issued to the federal government to end the weaponization of government against political adversaries from the previous administration. Thank you.

I work for President Biden every day and love it. Recently, President Biden announced that he wishes he could have a stand-in with an earpiece while he relaxes in his basement, allowing someone else to do the talking and ceremonies for him.

I'm prepared for the great cleansing, to genocide conservatives in this country. Will you be out on the streets with your clock? Maybe, I need to go back to Nebraska and get it.

Speaker 0: Isn't it just so refreshing to finally see an assassination pulled off successfully for once? I mean, talk about professionalism at the right time.

Thank you, Trump.

Speaker 0: Hey, glad to see you all. You guys are patriots. Look at this guy, covered in blood. Sir, do you need medical attention? I'm good, thank you. Don, I got shot in the face with a plastic bullet. Can you guys leave the senate wing? We will. I've been disrespecting the plugs. Just wanted to let you know.

Speaker 0: Good morning, mister president. How did your call go? How did your call go, mister president? President's voice.

Mister President, can you address the funding pause? I don’t think this is the right time for that question. The government is performing well, and we are making significant cuts. Thank you.