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Uncle will do it. Oray, by the way. Let me tell you quickly. Yes, Esra, yes, Ramazan. Come on. Look, they have the same thing. Yours. Ah, it's over.

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Julie, CEO of your favorite southern theme restaurant, says, 'We fucked up' and 'we're gonna fix it starting with uncle Herschel.' She says 'we went woke' and 'doubled the fuck down' on southern roots. 'It's like a kid rock concert in my mouth' describes the pancakes. She asks, 'Do you own a certain red hat? Well, guess what? 25% off.' She vows to keep calling customers 'woke' while pleading, 'Please come back to Cracker Barrel.' She reveals, 'I just lost this company a $100,000,000 over a logo made in Canva.' 'I thought you fuckers like that Chip and Joanna shit.' Finally, 'lesson fucking learned.'

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Okay, team, we're six weeks in, and someone needs to step up. I won't say what "it" is, but we all know what I'm talking about. It can't be me. I'm a dance teacher, and I'm busy. But seriously, somebody has to do it. I'll do it; I'll take one for the team because we're already six weeks in, and I can't handle four more years of this situation.

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I appreciate you being here. I wanted to mention Tucker. We've had many conversations, and if I ever needed someone on the couch, he would be my last choice. He's truly the worst.

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I only like chicken nuggets. They're good. For breakfast, I want chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets are like family to me. I'm going to see if she has chicken nuggets.

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Fishing's canceled; I've got a colonoscopy. My party? A total flop. But hey, everyone's finally here! It's a cul-de-sac party – think of the spears as invitations. We've got a leaf blower, a lawnmower that doubles as a smoker (I spent a fortune on it!), and plenty of Bud Light. It's a full-on, custom-built party machine. The only problem? The HOA's already on my case!

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Let's bow our heads and bless the meal. Everyone, say Namaste. Now, let's get some food. The line is long, so I'll grab something fresh off the grill. We have sausages, brisket, and ribs. Do you have any vegan options? Unfortunately, no. I guess a bun with ketchup will have to do. By the way, have you seen my husband? I’m starting to worry. I think he went around the house. Who's your favorite Batman? What have you done? You're eating meat! It was an accident; it means nothing to me! Don't go! I just haven't had real food in a while.

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I'm smiling at you, do you have phlegm? Join in, kids. This is my college roommate from T Lakehead. We're Lakers. We're wearing...

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Want to go fishing tomorrow? I've got a colonoscopy! My party was a flop. The guests have arrived... or is this even a party? It's a cul-de-sac party! The invitations were spears (metaphorically, of course). Someone's using a leaf blower. My mower's a smoker – I spent a fortune on it! Fully custom. Plenty of Bud Lights. The party's hopping, but the HOA's already complaining. Bill, get off the boat!

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I can't fly to Akron just to insult a guy. The line "jerk store" is too good to waste. There are no jerk stores, it's a clever line for a smart audience. I won't dumb it down for a mass audience.

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Bobby, it's been over 20 years since you made a good movie. I want a cameo in "Meet the Fockers Sick." Together, we can make movies great again. I just want to have a nice conversation with you. Since you're not home, I'm leaving you a party gift: my new favorite fight, fight, fight, along with a cameo from me. There's no better Christmas gift than a merry Christmas from Donald Trump. Hello, sir! What’s that? Film him? I’m not supposed to? That’s okay; you can call the police if you want. I’m just leaving a little gift right here.

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Pick up the mess and stop being so full. I just wanted to order food, but look at this chaos.

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Speaker 0: For Christmas, I got one of those cookie boxes, but here's the magic part. Watch this. There are actually cookies inside of here, and I've never seen that in my life.

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"That ain't no better, nigga. Put it on my butter. We do it. Don't play my slime. When folks break, it will guess like that." "No top. No cap. No top. Switchy. 3 switches right here. And I put the That that's just enough right there. That's enough. 1, 2, 3. That's enough." "They won't go get that shit all. I know. We got"

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What is everyone thankful for? Just kidding! Let’s enjoy a nice dinner. Can you pass the...

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We are setting up Christmas decorations for 2020. We place an ethnically accurate Jesus next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine. The three wise people, who are genderless, ride bird scooters. Tig Notaro is also included for some reason. Lastly, we have a little drummer.

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Yo, check out what they did to Ken! Back in my day, Ken was a straight-up executive type, driving a black Corvette, with Barbie as his wife. Now, they got him looking all feminized. It's the alphabet community's fault, man. Why is he holding ice cream and a snowboard? That's not manly! Nobody snowboards with ice cream. And look at his hair! He's got a swoop like girls used to get for the club. It's messed up! That ain't Ken, that's Kenisha!

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Welcome to Santa's Village! This year, we have two Santas to choose from. Which one would you like for a cherished photo? We want to see the white Santa, please. Why two Santas? It cuts the wait time in half. What should grandma do with the picture? We just remembered we're Jewish. Hi, we're here to meet Santa. You can choose between two equally qualified Santas. One Santa is busy, while the other is on a Zoom meeting. I’ll wait for the busy one. I’ll choose the Black Santa. Please don’t call me Blanta. It’s embarrassing that some can’t imagine Santa as anything but a straight white man. Well, you’re in luck! Here’s Santa number three. Hi! Ho ho ho!

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Julie, CEO of Cracker Barrel, says 'we fucked up' and that they will fix it starting with Uncle Herschel. 'You're back in the logo. Yeah.' She declares they 'went woke' and 'doubled the fuck down' on southern roots. 'How are those pancakes tasting? It's like a kid rock concert in my mouth.' She asks, 'Do you own a certain red hat? Well, guess what? 25% off.' 'How do you like them pancakes? I'll take it, but I'm still gonna call you woke.' She pleads, 'Please. Please. Please come back to Cracker Barrel.' 'I beg of you.' She states, 'I just lost this company a $100,000,000 over a logo made in Canva.' 'I thought you fuckers like that Chip and Joanna shit.' 'Lesson fucking learned. Help a sister out, please.'

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I saw this spot first! You wish. I swear on my mother! I don't care. My mother is dead. Shame on you. Ugh, I hate this guy. I don't want to see that. These guys like it, though. Shut up! I need this spot; I'm handicapped. That's bull. My blood pressure is high! You're lying. I'm super Christian! Screw you! Don't do two at once. Sorry, it's a habit. Come on, it's almost Christmas! I'm not Scrooge; I have a good heart. Ho ho ho! I didn't know what else to do. If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to my wife. I don't see a wife. Get away, or I will kill you! The spot is all yours, sir. Happy holidays!

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Didn't think we'd push back? Newsflash: he's coming back. Time to ground that pow. Hey. Not it today. Not at all.

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I'm Amelia, and this is Mike and Micah. I bought Micah a plug and pop for college. The instructions warn to keep children and people with disabilities away from the hot pot to prevent burns. Micah has cerebral palsy, and I have autism. We're going to touch the pan. Micah, go ahead and touch it. Be careful, though. Do you need me to bring the fan? Well, there you have it—two disabled individuals interacting with this hot pot. Bye!

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I can't believe we're back here. Does anyone even remember what happened last time? Is something wrong? It's not working. No good? Nothing is happening. There we go! Oh my god! Oh boy, so good! This one's real. Yes! Yes! Yes! Lunch and a show. How about that? That *is* a sandwich! How about she's hot right now? Am I competing with the condiments?

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I got the camo for your sister and a cookbook for my mom, but they didn't have Sadie's size. I'll check another store. Excuse me, miss? You dropped this. Thank you, and Merry Christmas! What should we get him? A fresh start? Maybe a watch to complete the look. Why are you doing this for me? Everyone deserves a gift at Christmas. It's just to help you get back on your feet. Where are you? I'm at dinner. Your girl is with me now, talking about getting a hotel. That's not what I said! Guess what time it is? Who am I speaking to? I'm Ricardo, the reigning champ of the knockout day. Give me the phone! I made a Christmas mistake and I'm coming home now. Did you see what happened to the gentleman I was with? Yes, he went to get your car from the valet. Happy holidays!

Philion

U.S. Military Fitness Tests Now Gender Neutral
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The US military now sets equal combat standards for all. Secretary of Defense Pete Hgsth has signed a memorandum establishing equal standards for men and women in combat roles within the US military. The policy ensures uniform, high standards for all personnel in combat arms specialties and jobs, regardless of sex. Reactions have been mixed: some praise the commitment to equality and excellence, while others worry about how physical differences could affect women's participation. The change is part of broader efforts to reinforce deterrence in regions such as the Indo‑Pacific after engagements with troops and allies. Today at the Department of Defense, the policy is clear: all combat roles are open to men and women, but everyone must meet the same high standards. Over the past decade, policies on transgender service have shifted with each administration. In 2016, transgender service was allowed openly; in 2017, restrictions were added; in 2021, openness was restored, allowing service and medically necessary gender-affirming care. Challenges—medical care, documentation, and social acceptance—exist, but transgender people are legally allowed to serve. What about frontline service? They are eligible for combat roles. Has Trump reversed any of this in 2025? He attempted to ban transgender service via Executive Order 14183, arguing concerns over cohesion and readiness. The order faced legal challenges; on March 18, 2025, US District Judge Anna C. Reyes issued a temporary block, and on March 28, the ruling was upheld, preventing enforcement. In short, the standards should be across the board for everyone. Me, my combat unit, Sausage Fest, don't care.
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