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So, we're brainstorming ideas for the new Prince Eric movie. Should we put a woman in it and make her gay, or try something different from the recent Indiana Jones approach? Forget Indiana Jones. Let's just put a woman in it and make her gay, right? Kathleen Kennedy's on the Bambi set, messing things up. Diverse woman? King deer? Bambi's a baby. Screw baby deer. I want a chicken and make her gay. I sent Kennedy to Spago for lunch and she ordered linguine and clam sauce. I told them to put a chicken in it and make her gay and lame. The chef didn't understand, but I want a gay, lame chicken in linguine!

Sneko has insulted me endless times, especially across the last four years. I haven't seen him in years and years and years. But maybe, you know, maybe it's the man code in me. You know, he's insulted me so many times that I could sit here and throw him under the bus, but it's just not who I am as a person. I want to meet Nick and Clav. They're the it's Clav and Nick who reached out to me. You're in America. We've never met before. Come through. We're with Snico. Is that okay? My reply was, Snico always has some crybaby issue with me. If he's not gonna cry his eyes out, he can come. And he came along, and he made a fucking mess. And I could sit here and blame it all on him. But that's truthfully not I don't know. That just feels wrong to me. I'm not gonna sit here and say who else it was. I'm just gonna say I didn't do it. I'm just gonna say that I didn't play the song. I don't find the song funny. I didn't think it was appropriate to do. It's someone else's decision. We can drag him up here, and we can ask him why he did it. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps when they said Nick's never been to a club before, I should have thought Nick's never been to a club before. It's the first time I've ever met him. It might be a funny story. I haven't been in America in a year. You know what? I'm bored. I I don't even like clubs, but I'm in Miami. Maybe I should go for fifteen minutes. Perhaps that was the wrong decision. Perhaps it was. Perhaps I should have known better.

I'm amazed to be part of the entertainment industry, coming from a small town in Indiana. And just to clarify, I am not a pedophile.

People used to enjoy watching TV shows like Cheers, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, and All in the Family without worrying about being offended. The extreme left and political correctness have made comedy suffer. Stand-up comics are now the last hope for uncensored humor. Writing scripts that go through multiple hands kills comedy. Larry David in CURB doesn't follow those rules because he started before they were enforced.

I am perceived as the nicest guy in Hollywood, which means no one suspects me of hiding any secrets in my backyard.

Are you going to cover the Diddy scandal in your stand-up routine? Have you thought about how to approach it? I probably won't. Why not? It's about family. If he's convicted, would you consider it then? No. So you think Diddy is completely off-limits? Yeah, that's right. Alright, thanks. How are you doing?

I can't wait to debate the guy from middle America, if he shows up.

I've always advised you to never take no for an answer and to keep pushing until you get what you want. However, I'm about to sign a deal that contradicts that advice. It's them selling me, not the other way around, and I realize I'm being a hypocrite. But you know what? I'm not leaving.

Offense is subjective; just because someone is offended doesn't mean they're right. Feelings vary, and some may even be offended by equality. Trying to please everyone results in pleasing no one. In comedy, it's essential to tackle taboos and contentious issues, often using irony, even if some don't understand it. The focus should be on the broader audience rather than a select few. Freedom of speech is crucial, and it's important to joke about difficult topics. Laughing in the face of adversity makes one resilient.

I have good judgment. I married Jill and appointed Johnson. Clap for that, you stupid bracker. Everything he says is a lie. It's terrible.

My generation fought hard to ensure that certain disrespectful language wouldn't be tolerated. The only comic who could get away with insulting everyone was Don Rickles. Others need to be smarter and funnier. The point is, it’s not just about being funny; it’s about respect. We worked to prevent people from speaking to women, men, or anyone different in hurtful ways. Now, it seems like some have lost their sense of decency and respect.

We're trying to accomplish great things, but also enjoy ourselves and maintain a sense of humor. It felt like the left was trying to outlaw comedy, suggesting nothing was funny anymore and you couldn't joke about anything. So, I thought, let's legalize comedy again.

I am not liked in Hollywood because I refuse to wear dresses or engage in what I perceive as "gay stuff" on TV. I believe that others should do that instead. I play tough characters because young kids aspire to be soldiers, not to follow someone who wears a dress.

I'm not sure if Musk was pro-apartheid. He grew up while it was happening, before Nelson Mandela fixed it. But he might have been too young. I don't know for sure. So, Elon, please don't sue me! It feels like others can say anything, but we have to be careful. That's why this show is important.

If all Latinos are removed from the country, who will clean your toilets, Donald Trump? That's a big no. You know what I mean?

I saw this spot first! You wish. I swear on my mother! I don't care. My mother is dead. Shame on you. Ugh, I hate this guy. I don't want to see that. These guys like it, though. Shut up! I need this spot; I'm handicapped. That's bull. My blood pressure is high! You're lying. I'm super Christian! Screw you! Don't do two at once. Sorry, it's a habit. Come on, it's almost Christmas! I'm not Scrooge; I have a good heart. Ho ho ho! I didn't know what else to do. If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to my wife. I don't see a wife. Get away, or I will kill you! The spot is all yours, sir. Happy holidays!

We were discussing ideas for the new Prince Eric movie. Let's make the main character gay and include a diverse woman. Forget about Indiana Jones. Put a chicken in the linguine and make her gay. And make sure it's lame.

Didn't think we'd push back? Newsflash: he's coming back. Time to ground that pow. Hey. Not it today. Not at all.

Speaker 0: Apology tour, if you will. There was criticism and advertisers leaving. We talked to Bob Ives today. Stop. Speaker 2: Don't advertise. If someone tries to blackmail me with money, go fuck yourself. Speaker 1: It is clear. Hey, Bob. If you're in the audience. Speaker 2: That's how I feel. Don't advertise. Speaker 1: How do you think then?

I call it the wheel. It rules! A bagel is better, though. This fork—I've got ten! We conduct business outside, like humans. This coffee is new...awful! I'm jittery. Sign here, Hancock! Gentlemen, have you lost your minds? People have the right to vote—even stupid ones! Edison, it stinks! You're wasting your time. You might as well put dishes in the shower. We're putting mail on the moon?! I can't even get tuna without celery! It's too small, it's full! I'm never wrong. George, I left my cane in there! That's an expensive cane!

I am a legend in the world of pornography, having changed laws and paved the way for others. Those who criticize me are losers with no life, lacking intelligence and insight. I don't care about their opinions. I am a genius, and they are limited, vacuous, and pathetic. I will continue to succeed while they remain insignificant.

What's one move in bed that drives a man wild? You have to give him that hawk toons. I said it all night. You get me? I don't get you. I think you need to demonstrate. Hawk toons. That's right.

A lot of people comment that I wouldn't say the name of a place in Pennsylvania, but that's not true.

Thanks for having me, Colin. By the way, my eyes are down here. So, I’m glad about the ruling in the UK that makes bald jokes off-limits. I’m tired of them! I’ve heard all the jokes, like how my head looks like an old spice deodorant when I wear a red turtleneck. Once, during jury duty with other bald men, the defendant joked we looked like a carton of eggs. And yes, I lotion my head because it gets dry. You probably make insensitive jokes, like asking if the carpet matches the drapes. No, it’s actually quite hairy down there! All this talk is making me sweaty. I dare you to laugh! By the way, I’m also impotent. Don’t laugh. Just go away.

President Karen demanded to speak to my manager. It's surprising that someone like him, who fathered Eric and Don Junior, can't handle jokes. Americans have the first amendment right and are braver than Donald Trump. He's a blowhard and a snowflake. He should change his hats to say "make America wine again."