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I'm not going to hold back any longer, it's time the truth comes out about certain celebrities. Tom Hanks is a pedophile, and at the top levels of wealth and power, these people are sick and psycho. If more folks went to church, we wouldn't be in this mess we're in now. I agree with you. I like to shake your hand, sir. Maybe I'll start a show for you to come on, and we'll call it White Jeopardy. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way. In the end, he obviously didn't kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. I know he's your friend, but I don't care. You had to make your own way here in your own plane, didn't you?

I remember you from New York. You told me to go back where I came from. Who did you come here with? Did you get paid by the Democrats? Go home, you're a loser. I'm going to the strip club, everything's on me. Let's party.

Okay, here's the shortened transcript: There he is, James Comey. The fired FBI director, some call him a deep state hero. I'm so excited to see him, I don't know why others aren't as excited as I am. They're going to screen questions, I wonder if anyone will ask who killed Epstein? It's an honor to see the disgraced and fired FBI director in person. Wait, are you asking me to leave? But Comey can stay, right? We love James Comey. Sure, he didn't disrupt the library, but he disrupted the whole country. James Comey disrupted an entire country, a presidential election, and a presidential term. Still, my heart is fluttering that I got to see him.

You guys were brave, but also assholes, so please back off. You know who's an asshole? Someone who sentences me and makes my sentencing last while I get sentenced in twenty-two years. That's an asshole. This is certainly fun, motherfucker. You didn't do shit, fucking bitch, fucking bald-headed bitch. Fuck you, Tourette's, man, okay.

Norm, you're exactly who I wanted to talk to. It doesn't matter that I'm on a call because you're a liar who set up this whole trial, and Costello exposed your lies. You're going to jail, bro. I'm not harassing you; I'm asking questions about how you lied to set up this trial and coerced Michael Cohen to pay Stormy Daniels with his own money. Costello testified to that, and you're lying about it, Norm. Why are you lying? You are destroying this country, and you know it. You're going to jail. They like guys like you in jail. Do you know what happens to guys like you in jail, Norm?

I deserve to get what? You're wearing MAGA shoes in West Hollywood. Yeah, I am. It’s illegal to film someone in California. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, you dumb ugly... You’re filming a stranger? You hope I get what I deserve? What do I deserve? At least have the guts to say it. You seem very normal. What about Biden showering with his daughter? He’s the president, not running. I’m just excited to make you famous. It’s illegal to film people here. I don’t care. Then mind your own business.

It’s been twenty years, and nothing has changed. You’ve accomplished nothing while the country suffers. You’re just making empty threats. You called me a child rapist; that’s crossing the line. I’m coming for you and your family. You think you can say that and get away with it? I’ll find you. I’m offering $10,000 for your location. You’re hiding behind an account, but we’ll see how brave you are face to face. You accuse me of being a pedophile; why are you so defensive? If you’re not guilty, just move on. Enough of this. What’s happening with the tunnels in your house?

Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election results. It's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, and Kamala lost big time. You were wrong. You're a total loser, and your show sucks. You're going to get low ratings. It's a disgrace to go from raging gold to raging nobody. It's a horror. Kamala's probably getting drunk somewhere, the f***ing virgin. Can you believe this guy calling your favorite president a virgin? Look at that crowd; it's a disgrace. But don't worry, we already won big. Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Do you want to do a little dance?

Bobby, it's been over 20 years since you made a good movie. I want a cameo in "Meet the Fockers Sick." Together, we can make movies great again. I just want to have a nice conversation with you. Since you're not home, I'm leaving you a party gift: my new favorite fight, fight, fight, along with a cameo from me. There's no better Christmas gift than a merry Christmas from Donald Trump. Hello, sir! What’s that? Film him? I’m not supposed to? That’s okay; you can call the police if you want. I’m just leaving a little gift right here.

Is this seat taken? Actually, that person works for me. You work for BlackRock, right? Yes, but I don’t consent to being recorded. This is New York; it’s a one-party consent state. I’m not comfortable with that. You mentioned that BlackRock buys politicians. I didn’t say that. But you implied that BlackRock controls the president’s wallet. No, I’m just a low-level employee. But you did say it on video. I was just trying to impress someone. We’ll be looking into others at BlackRock too. Please don’t touch me. I’m not touching you. Why is war exciting? I’m going to the police station. What will you tell them? To make you stop following me. He’s inside the police station now, talking about our conversation regarding Ukraine and recruiting at BlackRock. He claims he’s just a recruiter and denies his previous statements.

Okay, everyone. So there's James Comey, right? The fired FBI director, some call him a deep state hero. I'm incredibly excited to be here, though I'm not sure why everyone else isn't as excited as I am. They're screening questions here. Who killed Epstein? My heart is pounding! It's an honor to see the disgraced and fired FBI director, James Comey, in person. A library staff member asked me to leave, but Comey can stay, right? He didn't disrupt the library, but he disrupted the whole country, a presidential election, and a presidential term! Still, my heart is fluttering that I got to see James Comey.

I wish I had a brain to concentrate on my presidential powers and avoid being indicted. I could blame the Russians for my son's addiction and crimes. Inflation is rising, and we weaponized the FBI. I admit to stealing the last election and being a loser. I am a perverted weirdo who takes showers with my daughter. If only I had a brain.

Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election; it's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, Kamala lost big time. You're wrong, and you're a total loser. Your show sucks and will get low ratings. You've gone from raging bull to nobody, a disgrace. It's a horror. Kamala's probably drunk somewhere. Can you believe that guy called me the president of Virgin? Look at that crowd. It's a disgrace, but we won big, okay? Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Want to do a little dance? Come here.

What do you want? The Lord caught up with me. How did this happen? I’m facing charges for election subversion, retaining classified information, and payments to an adult film star. I don’t know what to do. Just say it wasn’t you. The feds found my top secret documents on the bathroom floor, and now I’m indicted for election interference. I tried to hide them from what they were about to see. How can I get away with this when they don’t take cash payments?

Is this seat taken? Actually, that person works for me. Live from the Bronx, I'm James O'Keefe with OMG. You work for BlackRock, right? Yes, but I don’t consent to being recorded. You don’t have to; it’s a one-party consent state. I’m not interested in talking if you’re recording. You mentioned that BlackRock buys politicians. I didn’t say that. I’m just a low-level employee. But you did say it on video. No, I didn’t. You said it’s not about who the president is, but who controls the wallet. I’m nobody. I was just trying to impress someone. We’ll expose more people at BlackRock. I’m going to the police station to ask them to stop you from following me. James O'Keefe here, outside the police station, where the BlackRock executive is discussing my presence and denying his previous statements about Ukraine and buying politicians.

Hi, it's your favorite president. I just want to say that it's an honor to be here. Someone recently told me that I'm the most famous person in the world, and who's more famous than me? We're all looking at the same thing, but there are two camps with different perspectives. Those who are negative are driven by emotion, but we need to separate the psychological effects from the practical results to judge this guy. It's a phenomenon.

I just finished a show, and you won't believe the room they put me in. It's like Biden's Oval Office in here! I think I've finally figured out why I'm in this room. Let me show you. See that screen right there? It's a teleprompter right in front of my face. All I can say is, the last administration was something else.

That's Robert De Niro's house, and I hired an actor to play his illegitimate son, Ja'Marcus. I'm back, it's your favorite president! You didn't come out last time, so I hired an investigator and found your illegitimate son, Jamarcus. I'm officially placing $200,000,000 in tariffs on your building until you come out and speak to me and your son, Jamarcus. His mother, Laquisha, who you abandoned very strongly, got shot. I'm officially adopting Jamarcus myself. Believe me. I hired a private investigator, I'm kidding. The goal was to troll him. I found out about his premiere and knew he would be there. My younger brother is a bit of an autograph hound and knows where all the celebrities are going to be. Plus, I have a friend at TMZ. I have a little network of people helping me out.

People like you should go to hell. Everyone knows what you're about. You can't do anything to me; I'm protected because of my ties to the Trump administration. I know there's antisemitism because I helped Trump win the election. If you were in America, I'd find you and go after your family. That's why you're hiding in Mexico.

So, we've got breaking news: Trump's been arrested for *not* being on Epstein's client list, while Bill Clinton wins for most trips to the island. I want to thank my wife and Monica. Jeffrey, this one's for you! Welcome to client list anonymous. My name is Tom Hanks, and I'm on the list. It’s been three weeks, but no one will ever know. I'm Bill, and it's been two days. I was lonely watching Cuties, and boom, a million-dollar hush money payment. Epstein Island? They got my associate, so case closed! I never met Jeffrey, no sexual relations happened on Epstein Island. Don't worry, nobody will ever know. That’s Jeffrey's client list. Trump isn't on it! You'll fry for this. I didn't even know there were clients.

Why did you shout at me in public? What language did you use? I use English. What insult did you use? I asked why America needed to be great again, mentioning serious issues like 12-year-old girls being raped. You laughed and used a profanity. Do you find that funny? I'm recording this for my show tonight, where I’ll have millions of viewers. Your actions are why we won; your DEI hire was rejected, and the popular vote turned against you and your hateful ideology. You are part of the reason Donald Trump is president. Thank you.

I can't explain because the judge is corrupt. His ruling is a disgrace. Everyone saw what happened. I'm innocent, but held by a corrupt judge who's conflicted. It's a disgrace to New York and the country. I need to get back to the campaign trail. Thank you.

I think we should remove the homicide from the White House for a fresh start, we don't want any more murderers. Next question. Who are the murderers? Oh, Clinton, he murdered a guy. We're not making accusations without proof. That's too far, let's move on. This is not my week. Do you know where you heard that? We don't need this. I don't want to hear it, this isn't the place for accusations, and you're supposed to be funny. This is a live show. I thought it was a matter of record. You won't be invited back if you don't shut up. Let's talk football. Manslaughter! Let's talk football.

I think we should get the homicide out of the White House and get a fresh start, because we don't want any more murderers. Clinton murdered a guy. That's going a little too far. This is not the place to make those accusations, and you're supposed to be funny. I thought it was a matter of record. You will not be invited back if you don't shut up. Let's talk football. Where did you ever hear that? Maybe George or Bill Clinton would be your hero. His career is over after this. Anyway, who cares? We're on the millionaire today. People always told me Hollywood was incredibly liberal and biased, and I thought it was untrue about it.

I think we should get the homicide out of the White House, we don't want any more murderers. Let's just go on to the next question. You're not talking about losing accusations. That's a little too far, let's just go on to the next question. This is not the place to make those accusations and you're supposed to be funny. I thought it was a matter of record. You will not be invited back if you don't shut up. Let's talk football. Where did you ever hear the word, bonus raise, he's my hero, you know, just like you. There's no stopping you, is there? His career is over after this. We're on the millionaire today. People always told me Hollywood was incredibly liberal and biased and I thought it was untrue about it. You have 10 sons, you're not allowed to tell anything like that. He doesn't answer anything anyway. He's on the millionaire tonight.