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Speaker 0 thanks Joe for covering the antiques in the crowd. They ask if it feels better and offer to spray something.

Who is that? Oh, I'm sorry. Is that your arm? My friend in the front row saw blood coming from his head. Oh my god. There he is! He's walking.

The exchange centers on accusations of hyperbolic statements and the accuracy of quoted posts. Speaker 0 challenges Speaker 1's credibility, citing a series of posts and asking whether the statements were read correctly. - On 02/11/2026, Speaker 0 cites a Blueski post: “my words or your words, not mine. The democrats video telling service members to ignore illegal orders didn't go far enough. They should have also urged them to refuse unethical orders, whether illegal or not. There are many things deemed legal that are still obviously unethical, and everyone should hold themselves to this higher law,” and asks, “Did I read that correctly?” Speaker 1 confirms reading it and asks if Speaker 0 disagrees with it, questioning whether people should do unethical things in their capacity of [unknown context]. - On 12/31/2025, Speaker 0 references a post reading, “in front of god and country. … They referring to Republicans think they control their way into us accepting ethnic cleansing,” and asks, “Did I read that correctly?” Speaker 1 responds that it related to a DHS security post advocating a 100,000,000 deportations, stating that “A 100,000,000 deportations would be ethnic cleansing,” adding, “You would be True. One third of the country. So, yes, there are people within the Department of Homeland security.” Speaker 0 asks whether this is hyperbolic and requests more time. - On 02/05 (implied), Speaker 1 notes, “advocating a 100,000,000” but the sentence is cut off in the transcript. Speaker 0 comments, “reputations is … cleansing,” while continuing to engage in the discussion with the chair and audience; Speaker 0 asks for thirty more seconds. - On 03/02, Speaker 0 quotes Speaker 1: “if you rule against Trump's population purge agenda, no hyper permanently there, the nativists will name you, threaten you, and come after you. These judges are much braver than the ICE agents who hide behind masks while violating the constitution. They are much braver.” Speaker 1 clarifies, “They put their names on their rulings, and they stand behind their constitutional rulings. When I talk about population purge, I'm talking about the fact that they're trying to deport US born citizens, people born here. They are trying to deport them as well. So it's not a mass deportation agenda. It is also an agenda intended to reduce the population of The United States, including US born people.” - Speaker 0 responds, “Thank you.” Speaker 1 adds, “These are not hyperbolic statements. I appreciate you reading my account. Here's the good news.” The conversation escalates in tone as Speaker 0 interjects with disbelief, asking, “What planet … parachute him from?” Speaker 1 replies, “No. No.” Speaker 0 comments, “Hey, guys. You're you you You trigger my gag reflex,” and Speaker 1 closes with, “Mr. Bieber.”

Thank you! It feels a bit strange to be back here hosting, especially since I used to do the weekend update. A year and a half ago, I had a disagreement with NBC and was fired for not being funny. Normally, that would lead to a lawsuit, but since it’s a comedy show, they had the upper hand. Now, just a year and a half later, they’ve invited me back to host. I wondered how I went from being deemed not funny to hosting. It hit me that I haven’t gotten funnier; the show has just gotten worse. So, to recap: I'm still not funny, but the show is even worse. We have a bad show for you tonight with Doctor Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Eminem.

I got kicked out of my boyfriend's house. Really? You too? Did it help you? No, I'm fine. I don't know why you told me that. Don't leave me now; come on.

Speaker 0 says, "Sleep him again. Boo." followed by "Oh" several times. Speaker 0 then says, "Hey. I got that too. Hey. How's this going? He should be outside." Speaker 0 then says, "That was."

I'm not okay. I have to go do a podcast. Thanks for being here. Bootlegger, please contact me.

Speaker 0 greets and asks how the viewer is doing. They try to get their attention by saying "hi" multiple times, but receive no response.

Go see your son! Is that my son? Oh my god! How are you feeling? I'm alright. Welcome to the world! We're getting you out of here. So many people want to see you right now. You have no idea what's going on. You're famous! Get ready for this. What a day we've had! Say hi to everyone. How long have you been down? Two years, one month, and four days. You're free? Yep. How does it feel? Amazing! What do you want to say to the world? Get out of here before I get present. Present sucks.

The speaker greets each other and asks if they have received any letters. One letter from a viewer named Louise Carpenter asks about the absence of the Jimmy Savile World Cup comment slot, which her 8-year-old daughter enjoyed. The speaker makes a comment about young girls liking Jimmy Savile. They mention that the daughter loves the slot and then abruptly end the conversation.

Where are you? Are you okay? Oh my god, my wig is coming off!

Speaker 0: Oh. It's good. Don't sit back, homie. Good? See you in prison, Inc. Oh, I hated that. That's a little bit of guy. Was rough. That sucked. Yeah. That sucked. Looks like you made it out.

Calvin greets the speaker and they exchange pleasantries. The speaker admits to embarrassing Mika Brzezinski on a previous show by complimenting her beauty. They clarify that they watch the show for her looks, not her politics. The speaker acknowledges that Mika has become successful and powerful. They playfully interact with someone off-camera, discussing hair and hair spray. The speaker mentions that they are not supposed to use hair spray due to its impact on the ozone layer. They jokingly suggest taking away Al Gore's Nobel prizes.

Speaker 0: Hey, Mega. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

Speaker 0 addresses Gasparino, urging him to come to his senses. They mention seeing him in public, trying to appear bigger, but it doesn't work. They suggest that Gasparino belongs in the lollipop guild.

Speaker 0: Make one. Make one. You're wrong. Get out. Your microphone. Hey. What what can we do to help you? Hey. You guys no. That ain't gonna happen. Hey. How can we get you out of here safely? Hello, everyone.

Speaker 0 bluntly states that the person they are addressing is in a dire situation, using explicit language to emphasize their point. They compare the person's predicament to being "punched" from head to knees, emphasizing the severity of the situation. Speaker 0 apologizes but reiterates that the person is fundamentally screwed. Speaker 1 suggests blaming someone else, but Speaker 0 dismisses this idea, emphasizing that the person is extremely screwed.

Speaker 0: Oh, no. Someone shot Charlie Kirk. Look. I don't know who needs to hear this today, but that's how you pick up a woman. Oh, no.

Jimmy is asked to cover the speaker while they take a bathroom break. The speaker reassures Jimmy that everything is under control and they will be back soon.

- Speaker 0 says: "Without you been feeling kinda strange. Well, I see that you're doing very well. You're looking very well. I miss the way your perfume smell. I miss the way that you blowed up my line." - They add: "If you don't back the fuck up off me before I do you in and still getting in this bitch and get litty on my mama."

Speaker 1 mentions ridiculous theories about Melania's statement, joking about a time traveler. They suggest a conspiracy involving the Democratic party using TEMO for a hit. Speaker 0 interrupts, ending the conversation.

The excerpt opens with a reference to a conference from many years ago, suggesting that the listener might have been in attendance. The exchange then shifts to a brief, awkward moment where someone apologizes and asks for permission to proceed, followed by a request for help. A responder states "No," and a separate remark introduces "the subpoena, for example," indicating a mention of a subpoena within the discussion. The conversation continues with an affirmative interjection—"Oh, good"—and a request: "Can you take off the stage?" The reactions include a startled "Wow" and a meta-comment noting the situation is starting in a dramatic way: "Getting off to a dramatic start already." The exchange ends with a clipped closing, simply "Well," signaling an unresolved or continuing moment in the dialogue. Overall, the passage captures a tense, performative moment at a conference, blending retrospective reference, administrative tension (subpoena), and a stage-direction style query, all underscored by a sense of escalating drama at the outset.

Hey, Maga. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

Back to Jake in Anchorage, where Jake says, "I'm fine. Just give me my show back. Show's back." The host then declares the show is back and moves on to introduce Senator Schiff, noting that Schiff is joining the program and is ready to go as the Democratic senator.

The speaker is participating in a game show called "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" and is asked what they would say to Bob Iger, the CEO of Disney. They respond with offensive remarks and express their dislike for Disney Plus. They request to use a lifeline and call Bob Iger. The host contacts Bob Iger, who is surprised to hear from them. The speaker informs Bob that they don't actually need his help and confidently states that they will win the $1,000,000 prize. The transcript abruptly ends.