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I'm Shane Gillis, fired from this show. I should be a high school football coach. My dad coaches girl's basketball. My mom and I used to be best friends until I discovered masturbation. My family includes members with Down syndrome. My niece, who has Down syndrome, is the best in the family. My sister has 3 adopted black kids, a child with Down syndrome, and an Arab husband. We opened a coffee shop for people with Down syndrome. They hate working there. No difference between us and them. 21 Savage is the guest tonight. Thank you.

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Thank you! It feels a bit strange to be back here hosting, especially since I used to do the weekend update. A year and a half ago, I had a disagreement with NBC and was fired for not being funny. Normally, that would lead to a lawsuit, but since it’s a comedy show, they had the upper hand. Now, just a year and a half later, they’ve invited me back to host. I wondered how I went from being deemed not funny to hosting. It hit me that I haven’t gotten funnier; the show has just gotten worse. So, to recap: I'm still not funny, but the show is even worse. We have a bad show for you tonight with Doctor Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Eminem.

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Speaker 0 takes their partner to a recording session for a Christmas song, despite their partner not being able to sing. The partner is hesitant but agrees if it's for charity. The captain, Ollie London, wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

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Thanks to Gorilla, the cast, crew, and Lorne Michaels for 50 years of comedy. Comedy is a lifelong passion. Thank you all, and be safe.

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I'm calling for Santa's holiday health check. Hello, Doctor Tam. Santa is late for snow yoga with the elves; it’s great for sleigh driving. We’re ready for the holiday season! It’s heartwarming to see everyone, especially kids in Canada, working hard to keep the holidays safe. Every child and their caregivers deserve a place on the nice list, especially with all the illnesses around. Santa and I are healthy and up to date with our vaccinations, including COVID and flu shots. I remind Santa to stay updated on vaccinations, wear a snug mask in crowded places, and wash hands to the tune of "Jingle Bells." Stay home if you're sick, and open windows for fresh air when gathering indoors. The more precautions you take, the safer you are. Happy holidays, everyone!

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Martin Short arrives at a celebration, greeted by friends. They joke about his nickname, "Marty," and his status as a writer and performer. A signature cocktail, the Martie Teeny, is introduced, and they discuss the holiday party atmosphere. They playfully test Martin's knowledge of current cast members, and he humorously admits he doesn't know any. The group shares light-hearted confessions about their pasts, including a yoga class incident. As the celebration continues, they toast to Martin's achievement of joining the 5 Timers Club, and he receives a special jacket. The night is filled with laughter, camaraderie, and a sense of accomplishment as Martin expresses his gratitude to his friends.

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Speaker 0 calls the North Pole for the yearly health check. Speaker 1, Mrs. Claus, says Santa is doing snow yoga with the elves and reindeer. They discuss the holiday season and how everyone in Canada, especially kids, is working hard to keep it safe. Speaker 0 agrees and mentions that every child in Canada has earned a place on the nice list. Speaker 1 says she and Santa are healthy, having received their vaccinations and flu shots. She advises staying up to date on vaccinations, wearing masks in crowded indoor places, and washing hands regularly. Speaker 0 agrees with the advice.

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I'm making my annual call to the North Pole for Santa's health check. It's been a tough season with many illnesses around. Fortunately, Santa and I are both in great health and have received our vaccinations, including COVID boosters and flu shots. I always remind Santa to stay on top of his health. First, he should keep his vaccinations updated, and second, he should wear a mask in crowded indoor places.

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Bill and I welcome you to the National Christmas Tree Lighting, organized by interior secretary Deb Haaland and the National Park Service Foundation. We extend our gratitude to tonight's host, Mickey, and the amazing performers joining us.

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It's the last show before Christmas! How will you spend the holidays? I'm excited because I'm with my new guy. Me too! What's he like? He's special—my boyfriend is Santa! He knows when I'm sleeping and treats me right. When I'm naughty, he thinks it's nice. I love when we jump in a sleigh and he takes me to the North Pole. He enjoys my milk and cookies, and while others put up stockings, he's taking mine down. Santa keeps me warm in the winter snow, and I don’t mind when he sees me in my pajamas. He promised he wouldn't leave me. They always promise, and it usually works out, right?

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to join Saturday Night Live after the election but eventually agreed. Shortly after, devastating fires hit LA, affecting many friends and communities. While some speculate about the causes, it’s clear that multiple factors contributed to the disaster. I reflected on the challenges of fame and the misconceptions surrounding immigrant communities in Ohio, where I supported local Haitian restaurants. As I navigate the complexities of celebrity life, I can't help but notice the absurdities around me, including the troubles of friends like Puffy. With Donald Trump returning as president, I urge him to remember the weight of his responsibilities. Regardless of opinions, empathy for all, especially for those displaced, is crucial. Thank you, and good night.

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Welcome to Santa's Village! This year, we have two Santas to choose from. Which one would you like for a cherished photo? We want to see the white Santa, please. Why two Santas? It cuts the wait time in half. What should grandma do with the picture? We just remembered we're Jewish. Hi, we're here to meet Santa. You can choose between two equally qualified Santas. One Santa is busy, while the other is on a Zoom meeting. I’ll wait for the busy one. I’ll choose the Black Santa. Please don’t call me Blanta. It’s embarrassing that some can’t imagine Santa as anything but a straight white man. Well, you’re in luck! Here’s Santa number three. Hi! Ho ho ho!

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Thank you! It's great to be here. I just recovered from the flu, which got me thinking about who might have given it to me. I suspect it was a shoeless cowboy I sat next to on a flight. On a different note, ladies, you’re struggling in the political arena. Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach—find a balance between professionalism and charm. The election dragged on forever, and it’s hard to believe Trump didn’t win earlier. His resilience is impressive, especially after getting shot and still acting fearless. I recently woke up at 3 AM to Shaquille O'Neal selling printer ink, which was surreal. It’s surprising he’s still working despite his wealth. We have a great show ahead, so stick around!

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to host Saturday Night Live after the election, but eventually agreed. Shortly after, wildfires devastated LA, affecting many friends and families. The fires were the most expensive natural disaster in U.S. history, and while some blamed arsonists, it was a combination of factors, including extreme winds. I also reflected on the challenges of fame, sharing a humorous take on celebrity culture and my support for the Haitian community in Ohio. As we navigate life, we should evolve and learn from our mistakes. With Donald Trump returning as president, I expressed hope for better leadership and empathy, especially for displaced individuals worldwide. Thank you, and good night.

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Dr. Tam and Mrs. Claus catch up, with Santa off doing snow yoga. They discuss the holiday season in Canada and the efforts to keep it safe. They emphasize the importance of vaccinations, wearing masks in crowded indoor places, and washing hands regularly. Mrs. Claus compares these safety measures to decorating a tree, where each item adds to the overall protection. They both express gratitude for the health and encourage everyone to stay safe during the festive season.

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Welcome to the 77th Annual Golden Globe Awards! This is my last time hosting, so let’s have some fun. Remember, it’s all just jokes. Tonight, we have legends in the room, but let’s not forget the important executives who are all terrified of Ronan Farrow. It’s been a big year for controversial films, but the Hollywood Foreign Press is still lacking diversity. Most films today are lazy remakes, and the best actors have moved to streaming services. If you win tonight, please don’t lecture us; just accept your award and move on. Now, let’s get to the first award. Enjoy the night, have fun, and remember to donate to Australia. Good night!

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Welcome to Saturday Night Live's 50th anniversary! Congratulations to Lorne Michaels on 25 years of SNL. The news is wild, and security was intense getting in tonight. There's a lot of focus on a recent tragedy involving a man with a family, but it’s been a tough year for many, including Kamala and Diddy. Jake Paul’s antics against older fighters are ridiculous. Trump had an eventful year, surviving an assassination attempt and winning the presidency again. People worry about his lack of dignity, but history shows we've had undignified presidents before. Meanwhile, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, which is what any parent would do. We have a great show ahead with Gracie Abrams, so stick around!

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It's Christmas, and we have a tradition of sharing jokes live on air that we haven't seen before. I’m concerned about reading potentially offensive jokes, so I’ll try to navigate that carefully. The first joke touches on Kamala Harris's support for reparations, humorously suggesting that white people deserve their money back for runaway slaves. Another joke discusses how women are more likely to orgasm when in tune with their bodies. There’s a playful jab at Scarlett Johansson for her 40th birthday and a joke about having a child together. The segment continues with various humorous remarks, including a joke about Costco removing roast beef sandwiches. In closing, we wish everyone a good night.

Armchair Expert

Holiday Spectacular 2020 | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Guests: Josh Gad, Leslie Odom Jr., Emmy Raver-Lampman, Bob Mervak, Kristen Bell
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In the Christmas episode of Armchair Expert, Dax Shepard, Monica Padman, and Kristen Bell reflect on the year, celebrating their podcast's successes and the joy of remote interviews. They share personal anecdotes, including a chaotic Christmas tree shopping experience that highlights the challenges of parenting during the pandemic. Kristen humorously recounts the mishaps of their tree hunt, including a confrontation in the Home Depot parking lot and the kids' antics in the truck. The conversation shifts to their holiday plans, with Monica expressing sadness about not going home for Christmas for the first time. Dax and Kristen discuss their new house and the ongoing construction delays. They also introduce guests Josh Gad, Leslie Odom Jr., Emmy Raver-Lampman, and Bob Mervak, who join in for festive discussions and performances. Josh shares his experiences growing up Jewish and celebrating Christmas, while Leslie talks about his new Christmas album and the emotional journey of creating it. Emmy, currently in Australia, discusses the differences in celebrating Christmas in summer and her experiences on set with Liam Neeson. Bob Mervak performs a rendition of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," showcasing his musical talent. The episode culminates in a heartfelt performance of a new Christmas song written by Bob, reflecting on the challenges of 2020 and the hope for the future. The hosts express gratitude for their listeners and the community they've built, emphasizing the importance of connection and joy during the holiday season. They conclude with warm wishes for a Merry Christmas and a hopeful New Year.

Armchair Expert

Zooey Deschanel Returns | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Guests: Zooey Deschanel
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Zooey Deschanel returns to Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard and Monica Padman for an episode that blends humor, family lore, and intimate conversation. The hosts steer the talk toward Zooey’s recent projects, including MV on Prime Video, while inviting her to share stories from her life in the spotlight. The trio dives into the realities of fame, from the way fans recognize celebrities in everyday moments to the dynamics of being a parent in a world where acting careers intersect with real-life parenting. The conversation naturally expands to family milestones, like their experiences during wildfires that forced evacuations, and the way those ordeals reshaped their sense of home, memory, and resilience. The tone oscillates between light banter about bread-baking, pets, and Christmas décor and deeper reflections on what it means to navigate public life with authentic vulnerability. “Morbid Curiosity” is referenced as part of a broader discussion about true-crime storytelling, illustrating how audiences model fear and learn from narratives while the hosts acknowledge the power of careful, respectful exploration of difficult topics. Zooey’s reminiscences about New Girl, her singing with She & Him, and her family’s creative legacy thread through the chat, underscoring how personal history informs professional choices, collaborations, and public perception. The episode closes with touching personal notes about the family’s holiday traditions, the couple’s approach to their children’s potential futures in entertainment, and a candid acknowledgment of the pressures and joys of balancing ambition with family life. The guests and hosts share seasons’ greetings and celebrate a Golden Globes nomination for Armchair Expert, framing it as a collective achievement rooted in vulnerability and listener support. The discussion also pivots to practical, lighthearted topics—gift exchanges, Christmas spirit, and the ritual of singing together—before circling back to the importance of presence, gratitude, and the ongoing conversation about ADHD and attention in a media-saturated world. Zooey’s warmth and candor anchor the episode, making the broader themes—family, career, creativity, and mental wellness—feel intimate and accessible to listeners outside the circle of fame. These conversations reflect the show’s signature blend of humor, honesty, and curiosity about how art, identity, and daily life intersect in the modern celebrity experience, while offering listeners a sense of connection through shared experiences, challenges, and small, meaningful rituals during the holidays.

This Past Weekend

12-21-17 How to be a Man at Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #61
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Theo Von opens with Oh Holy Night performed by Johannes Bornlof and drifts into reflections on the night of the Savior’s birth, the idea that God sent a baby to do battle, and the way showing up as a baby can be brave and transformative. He compares religious tales to lessons in resilience, notes that holidays demand presence for family and loved ones, and wonders how to show up this season. He shares personal struggles about staying in his own zone as a man, resisting the temptations of ego, and staying generous under pressure. He recalls a memory of tickling a partner and a controversial moment involving a listener’s girlfriend that led to accountability, acknowledging addictive patterns with women and past behavior. He recounts a hot tub incident and reflects on boundaries, attention, and the need to feel loved, while admitting imperfection. He reads a fan rap, thanks supporters, and mentions new producers, ideas, and plans for guests to bring more honesty and feeling to the show. He takes calls about food addiction, suggesting groups and substitutions, and urges listeners to show up for family, hug people, and make the year’s end meaningful. He closes with holiday wishes, gratitude, and optimism about growth.

This Past Weekend

12-11-17 A Partridge and the Pression | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #11
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Theo Von kicks off with a Christmas mood, weaving musical imagery, riffs on home and Europe, and a stream of jokes about holidays, animals, and cultural clichés. He moves from Christmas soundtrack references to a panorama of holiday traditions around the world, noting fried caterpillars in South Africa, the Yule goat in Sweden and its straw form, and the giant straw goat’s history of torchings in Gavril. He contrasts American attitudes toward animals with other places, then detours to Africa’s vast, primal imagery and even fantasizes about time travel through an African man’s eyes. He mentions a mythical snack called “snack a dactyl,” and describes Africa’s caterpillar delicacy as real tradition. In Vietnam, markets sell a variety of meats, including owl and aardvark, and he recounts an attempt to free a partridge that ends with multiple vendors converging. He hints at Mississippi Christmas meals and the universal impulse to eat what sustains families. He shares personal frustration and depression, sleep disruption, and a medication switch, acknowledging a cycle of scrolling, late nights, and uncompleted to-dos. A gratitude practice—ten things he’s grateful for—helps lift his mood, and he expresses gratitude for listeners, friends, and the Comedy Store crew. He previews Thursday’s episode on Christmas around the world and invites listeners to contribute stories. Two segments with Adam: a call about pornography and consensual fantasies within marriage, the host’s apology for crowdsourcing calls, and Adam’s subsequent defense and continued engagement. The host closes with hotline information, a tease about new merch and Live Tree’s Adept platform, and final holiday thanks, ending with a music cue.

This Past Weekend

There's Something About Marys | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #157
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It’s December 2018 and Theo Von closes the year with a reflective, joking monologue. The year is being boxed up and wrapped with a bow, reminders that life’s cycles—births, deaths, and everything in between—continue as the calendar turns. A jingle Bells piece sent by Tiny Sand is revisited to show how listeners contribute to the show. The episode sponsors Gray Block Pizza and Minimal Case promote their wares, with promo codes and a cheeky aside about a “0.01 inches thick” iPhone case. Theo discusses holiday tensions and modern expectations around Santa and gifts, acknowledging that the season can feel unsettled even as it’s meant to be joyful. He recounts a recent weekend: dinner with David Spade, stories about Chris Farley, and a fancy Los Angeles dinner that felt surreal. He notes Spade’s whimsical energy and the tuna dish as a highlight, then describes a Comedy Store incident, losing his fantasy league, and quitting smoking for six days, with hopeful motivation to change how he feels. The show pivots to mental health and public figures, mentioning Pete Davidson’s troubling posts, and Joe Rogan’s potential Kanye interview, while acknowledging the weight of bipolar and relationship pressures. Theo shares personal struggles with late-night urges, restless thoughts, and strange neighbor dog timing during private moments, offering callers’ hotline and a self-aware, humorous ramble. A friend’s sword company anecdote hints at looming consumer demand; a playful “Get your swords” line underscores the era’s weirdly practical apocalyptic vibe. Theo then lists tour dates across Omaha, Los Angeles, Irvine, Columbus, Houston, Boston, and a May Australia swing, plus a homecoming to his family and nieces. Gratitude for meeting listeners and peers—David Spade’s brother’s rare lamb, parties, and the people who brighten his year—shines through as he pledges to act bravely toward loved ones. Calls follow: commentary on teacher-student scandals, evolutionary psychology takes on alpha males, and diverse listener voices weighing race, wealth, and openness. Theo responds with honesty, humility, and a commitment to care for others, while plugging Laughable merch, the Smart Setup Guide course, and his two-year podcast anniversary. He closes with gratitude, love, and a wish for a better year ahead.

The Rubin Report

Dr. Fauci Reacts to Adoring Fans & Thomas Sowell Destroys Experts | Direct Message | Rubin Report
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In the final Reuben Report of 2022, Dave Rubin reflects on a rewarding year, highlighting personal milestones, including the birth of his two sons and the growth of his show. He announces a community initiative to help someone move from California to Florida, selecting a winner named Kim K, who has pets to relocate. Rubin discusses the departure of Anthony Fauci and critiques the year as one of exposing false idols in expertise and journalism. He juxtaposes Fauci's statements with a clip from Thomas Sowell, emphasizing the dangers of elitist thinking. The show features a Community Q&A, where Rubin answers questions about Christmas songs, the Twitter files, and political narratives. He expresses hope for 2023, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and community in countering divisive ideologies. Rubin also shares his excitement for upcoming projects, including a partnership with Rumble and a daily locals component for the show. He concludes by thanking his team and audience for a successful year, wishing everyone a happy holiday season.

This Past Weekend

Lean Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #475
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Theo Von announced new tour dates: Auckland Feb 24 (third show) and Brisbane Mar 1 (second show), plus second Sydney, Melbourne, and Gold Coast shows with limited tickets; limited seats in Charlottesville, State College, Syracuse, and Amherst. Tickets at theo.com/tour; avoid expensive secondary sites. He wishes Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, riffing on deities and traditions. He plays Christmas tunes, then reveals he stopped Lexapro about 11 days ago, experiencing more feelings, staying active to balance energy. He shares listener calls: a cheeky 12 Days of Christmas euphemism, advice on a winter moment, encouragement to ask questions, nine months sobriety and a new relationship. He reflects on perfectionism and pressure, and the goal to show up and contribute this holiday. He signs off with gratitude, hotline 985-664-953, and sponsor plugs for Dash Pass, Liquid I.V., Babel, and BlueChew.
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