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Congratulations on your election win. You’ll be leading a deeply divided country for the next four years. Will you concede the 2020 election to help unify the nation? No, I won't concede. The country is divided, but Joe Biden is the president, not me. He has been a divider, particularly through the weaponization of the justice department against his political opponents. This aggressive approach backfired on him and has further divided the country.

I remember you from New York. You told me to go back where I came from. Who did you come here with? Did you get paid by the Democrats? Go home, you're a loser. I'm going to the strip club, everything's on me. Let's party.

I want a president who is capable of doing the job, and there are many capable people in this country. Raise your right hand and repeat after me: Donald Trump is not going to be president of the United States. Take it to the bank. I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear that Donald Trump will never be elected president of the United States, that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States. I continue to believe Mr. Trump will not be president and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States. So help me God. Donald Trump is not going to be president of the United States. Donald Trump has been elected president, defeating Vice President Kamala Harris and making a political comeback unlike any in modern American politics. Congratulations, Mr. Khan, the 45th and 47th President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump.

Maybe I'm gay, and maybe my wife is a man, but it doesn't matter. Just go out and vote for Kamala. We've already dealt with Joe, so let's focus on winning this thing. We'll figure everything else out later.

I did great at the debate the other night. The other guy is quitting, so we have Kamala now. She's better. Imagine him dealing with Putin and the Chinese president. He's probably quitting. Keep knocking them out. Thank you.

I only have 30 seconds, but we have to fuck Trump. I don't ask for much, but I'm gonna come. Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, they all came, many times. The bankers have all come. Everybody's coming. Please don't tell my children I just said that.

Congratulations to the DNC on losing another election to Donald Trump. You replaced me with a candidate who has no likability. They said I was too old and a joke, but here's a joke: What do Willie Brown and the 2024 election have in common? Kamala Harris blew both of them. Seriously, Hillary lost to Trump, and now Kamala has too. This man has beaten more women than Doug Emhoff. Congrats on losing to Hitler again; I hope he locks you all up this time. Dank Brandon out.

Congratulations to the DNC on losing another election to Donald Trump. You replaced me with a candidate who has little appeal. They claimed I was too old and slow, but here's a joke: What do Willie Brown and the 2024 election have in common? Kamala Harris blew both of them. Hillary lost to Trump, and now Kamala follows suit. It seems Trump has a pattern of defeating women in elections. Anyway, congrats on losing to him again. I hope he locks you all up this time. Dank Brandon out.

Look at those long faces! Are you upset that Trump is back in office, winning in a landslide? He dominated the election, while his opponent barely won a single state—was it American Samoa? Trump’s victory is impressive, and we owe thanks to the press for boosting his numbers every time they spoke. It’s a fantastic night! I even saw Kamala heading to the restroom with some razor blades. I couldn’t be happier. Trump is president again, ready to make America great and clean house. You’re all fired—get out!

The media and punditry threw everything they had at me, but they didn't win. Now they want to drive a wedge between Elon and me, even suggesting I've ceded control of the presidency to him. But it's so obvious what they're doing. They're not even good at it. If they were, I never would have become president. I get 98% bad publicity, but the people are smart. They see what's happening.

I'm done with this nonsense. If you voted for Trump, I think you're a loser and a moron. You’re evil and deserve to suffer. I feel so strongly that I want to harm you. You're a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live. Do the world a favor and end your life before I get to you. Show me proof if you do.

Wait, that's it? This is weird and creepy. No way! He's happy Trump won and having a great time. Look at that smile! Joe, where did your 20 million votes go? Can someone ask that? Hey, liberals and press, can you find out?

Okay, here's a concise transcript: You want "my body, my choice?" Fine. Make your own dinner, MAGA. Make your own sandwiches, wipe your own tears. Go troll with Elon and just leave us alone. You got the president you wanted, you worship him even more than Jesus. And this time you didn't have to storm the capitol or hurt anyone. You got your way, he even got away with breaking the law. My show had value. What I was doing mattered in the end. I try not to cry on TV, but it mattered. Thank you.

Kamala Harris is considered "retarded," and Trump is winning in the polls, so they are going to lose. The speaker considered running as a candidate. However, the speaker told Joe that he is more "retarded" than Kamala Harris, so he cannot run. The speaker told Joe to let it play out and that they would talk later. The speaker then commented on the women present.

Hey, everyone! I'm at Trump Tower tonight with my patriot friends after listening to President Trump's magnificent speech. But let me tell you, the Democrats really showed their asses tonight. I don't know what's wrong with them but it's incredibly embarrassing. Other countries must be mortified looking at us right now. If you don't like President Trump, fine, but don't embarrass the entire country! What the cane-walking guy did was horrible and I'm glad they escorted him out. I don't know what's wrong with the Democrats, they're dumb. They won't exist in the future after this stunt. We love you, President Trump. We got your back. Don't worry about those stupid Democrats; they've got mental issues and they're just jealous we voted for you!

You're going to do a Roman salute behind the presidential seal? It's not over as long as we don't give up. Libs of TikTok reacted strongly when I called Donald Trump a rapist, expressing their outrage on Twitter. I told them I don't care about their feelings. Supporting a rapist is their choice, not mine. They even made threats to my office, but I remain unfazed. I don't care.

Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election; it's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, Kamala lost big time. You're wrong, and you're a total loser. Your show sucks and will get low ratings. You've gone from raging bull to nobody, a disgrace. It's a horror. Kamala's probably drunk somewhere. Can you believe that guy called me the president of Virgin? Look at that crowd. It's a disgrace, but we won big, okay? Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Want to do a little dance? Come here.

Hi, it's your favorite president. I just want to say that it's an honor to be here. Someone recently told me that I'm the most famous person in the world, and who's more famous than me? We're all looking at the same thing, but there are two camps with different perspectives. Those who are negative are driven by emotion, but we need to separate the psychological effects from the practical results to judge this guy. It's a phenomenon.

Alec, it's your favorite president. I'm offering you a total pardon because I want to be friends. Just kiss the ring for murdering that woman. Your impersonation of me wasn't great, but we're back in office now. If you don't want the pardon for killing that woman, that's fine. She's looking down, happy you're being confronted. (Other speaker) Do you realize my kids live in this building? We love the children. Be careful. If this camera wasn't here, I'd snap your neck. (Me) Alec Baldwin, ladies and gentlemen, what a class act! I was born and raised in New York City. I love you, Alec. You've got more balls than De Niro. De Niro ran away, but you confronted me. You're strong, but you're also weak because you murdered a woman.

"You know, I told myself I wasn't gonna make this video, but I'm gonna make it." "When Joe Biden was falling upstairs and falling downstairs and falling off of his bike and crapping his pants in public in front of the pope, no less." "And then when he was diagnosed with cancer, I don't remember seeing a single conservative Republican wishing him to be unalived." "But yet you fucking liberals try to assassinate our president when he was running for office again, not once, not twice, but three times." "And in the last twenty minutes, I have seen nothing but hate and spew vomit come out of liberals' mouths all over social media, elated and happy that Charlie was assassinated simply because of his beliefs." "Sick of this shit."

Just another day following Bobby Kennedy Jr. At a Donald Trump rally in Madison Square Garden. And there's Bobby Kennedy calling to protect women's sports at a Trump rally. Donald Trump's gonna win. The first reason that people like Donald Trump is because he likes them. Affection is something you can't fake. And the liberation he has brought to us is the liberation from the obligation to tell lies. The big lie is that they're impressive. No fair system would elevate someone like Kamala Harris to a presidential nomination. Donald Trump has empowered the rest of us through mostly to stick it around in the face of their hate and abuse and persecution. I’m not ashamed. You should be. And I just wanna say thank you Donald Trump for that.

Why did you shout at me in public? What language did you use? I use English. What insult did you use? I asked why America needed to be great again, mentioning serious issues like 12-year-old girls being raped. You laughed and used a profanity. Do you find that funny? I'm recording this for my show tonight, where I’ll have millions of viewers. Your actions are why we won; your DEI hire was rejected, and the popular vote turned against you and your hateful ideology. You are part of the reason Donald Trump is president. Thank you.

Congratulations to the DNC on losing another election to Donald Trump. You replaced me with a candidate who lacks appeal. They claimed I was too old and slow, but here's a joke: what do Willie Brown and the 2024 election have in common? Kamala Harris moved both of them. Hillary lost to Trump, and now it’s Kamala's turn. This man has beaten more women than Doug Emhoff. Anyway, congrats on losing to Trump again. I hope he locks you all up this time.

Hey, Maga. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

Trump's an asshole, and it's a damn shame people voted for him. When people start fighting back, are you going to shoot every American? That's what we're going to start doing: fighting back. All of you should put a bullet in your heads for doing Trump's work. You're all fucking losers; put a bullet in your fucking head. Don't touch me, pussy. Touch me again. Get your hands off. I'm walking to my car. Touch me one more time, pussy. That's what I thought. Pussy. Pussies.