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I'm Shane Gillis, fired from this show. I should be a high school football coach. My dad coaches girl's basketball. My mom and I used to be best friends until I discovered masturbation. My family includes members with Down syndrome. My niece, who has Down syndrome, is the best in the family. My sister has 3 adopted black kids, a child with Down syndrome, and an Arab husband. We opened a coffee shop for people with Down syndrome. They hate working there. No difference between us and them. 21 Savage is the guest tonight. Thank you.

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I'm not going to hold back any longer, it's time the truth comes out about certain celebrities. Tom Hanks is a pedophile, and at the top levels of wealth and power, these people are sick and psycho. If more folks went to church, we wouldn't be in this mess we're in now. I agree with you. I like to shake your hand, sir. Maybe I'll start a show for you to come on, and we'll call it White Jeopardy. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way. In the end, he obviously didn't kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. I know he's your friend, but I don't care. You had to make your own way here in your own plane, didn't you?

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It’s great to be here at the Super Bowl. I believe my presence here reflects the renewed spirit of the nation. My current administration is vastly different from my first. This time, I have the support I lacked before, allowing for swift policy changes, such as border security enhancements and protecting women's sports. Recent legal challenges regarding Elon Musk's efficiency team won't deter our efforts to combat government waste and fraud. We'll address issues across multiple departments. Tariffs on Canada and Mexico are driving action on border security and drug interdiction, though more is needed. Making Canada the 51st state is a serious possibility, given the substantial economic losses we currently face. While some economic jitters exist, I'm confident that success will unite the country. I love to see the support I get, including from UFC fighters and NFL players. It's truly humbling. My prediction? Kansas City will win the Super Bowl.

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America is facing challenges, but we need humor to uplift us. I have faith in myself and in better days to come. If I choose to run in June, you will have the opportunity to vote for me, Donald John Trump, who I believe will be remembered as the greatest president in US history. God bless America, and good night.

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Thank you! It feels a bit strange to be back here hosting, especially since I used to do the weekend update. A year and a half ago, I had a disagreement with NBC and was fired for not being funny. Normally, that would lead to a lawsuit, but since it’s a comedy show, they had the upper hand. Now, just a year and a half later, they’ve invited me back to host. I wondered how I went from being deemed not funny to hosting. It hit me that I haven’t gotten funnier; the show has just gotten worse. So, to recap: I'm still not funny, but the show is even worse. We have a bad show for you tonight with Doctor Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Eminem.

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I did great at the debate the other night. The other guy is quitting, so we have Kamala now. She's better. Imagine him dealing with Putin and the Chinese president. He's probably quitting. Keep knocking them out. Thank you.

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It's good to see you again. I want to address the recent racist joke about working at 7-Eleven. Honestly, it was hurtful, but I’m a survivor. There’s a growing hunger for offense in our culture, where people seek validation through outrage rather than genuine issues. This affects comedy, which is essential for holding power accountable. Humor should not be treated as harmful; it’s a vital tool for critique. Regarding the election, a large margin is necessary to prevent interference. I support Trump because he effectively advanced our agenda. DeSantis supporters should unite for the greater good. I’m exploring my next steps, whether in government or elsewhere, focusing on my purpose and unique gifts. Whatever I pursue will be driven by passion, not obligation. Thank you for having me.

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I could be a dog catcher and was voted for president twice. But someone interrupts, asking to talk about Jeffrey Epstein and the Lolita Express. The conversation gets interrupted again, but the speaker mentions feeling sad about Arkansas.

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Look at those long faces! Are you upset that Trump is back in office, winning in a landslide? He dominated the election, while his opponent barely won a single state—was it American Samoa? Trump’s victory is impressive, and we owe thanks to the press for boosting his numbers every time they spoke. It’s a fantastic night! I even saw Kamala heading to the restroom with some razor blades. I couldn’t be happier. Trump is president again, ready to make America great and clean house. You’re all fired—get out!

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Americans, happy pride month! There has been a shocking discovery of cocaine near the oval office, raising questions about how it got into the White House and who brought it in. It seems that Trump doesn't believe in honesty and decency. On a lighter note, Merry Christmas! How are you? Everything good? Are you doing well in school? We are now saying merry Christmas.

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I wish I could talk to someone like me—a black South Asian woman running for president from the Bay Area. It's great to see you, Kamala. Remember, you can open doors in ways your opponent can't. The American people want to end the chaos and enjoy a more relaxed atmosphere, maybe even with a fun twist on popular culture. We share a belief in the promise of America. Let's bring it in for a moment. I’m voting for us! Are you registered in Pennsylvania? Unfortunately, no. It was worth a try. And live from New York is Stephanie Jones.

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Happy Super Bowl! It's an iconic day for the country, and I wanted to be here to share in the spirit. My administration is moving quickly; we've already made significant changes in border policy, cracked down on crime, protected women's sports, and implemented energy policy changes. Unlike my previous term, I now have the support I need to accomplish my goals. Some recent actions, like using Elon Musk's team to improve government efficiency, have faced pushback, but I believe it’s necessary to address fraud and waste. Tariffs on Canada and Mexico are producing results on border security, but more is needed. I believe Canada would be better off as the 51st state. While there are some economic jitters, I'm confident we'll achieve success, bringing the country together. I'm a fan of both Super Bowl teams, but I'm predicting a Kansas City win. It's amazing how my rallies and even my dance moves have become so widely imitated!

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Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election results. It's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, and Kamala lost big time. You were wrong. You're a total loser, and your show sucks. You're going to get low ratings. It's a disgrace to go from raging gold to raging nobody. It's a horror. Kamala's probably getting drunk somewhere, the f***ing virgin. Can you believe this guy calling your favorite president a virgin? Look at that crowd; it's a disgrace. But don't worry, we already won big. Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Do you want to do a little dance?

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Happy Super Bowl! It’s an iconic day, and I thought it would be good for the country for the president to be at the game. My administration is moving quickly; we’ve made significant changes in border policy, cracked down on criminals, banned biological men from women’s sports, and implemented major energy policy changes. This differs from my first term, where I lacked the support and experience I have now. Recent efforts to improve government efficiency have faced pushback, but I disagree with the restrictions placed on Elon Musk’s team. We need to address fraud, waste, and abuse in government agencies. The tariffs on Canada and Mexico are intended to improve border security and drug interdiction, but it’s not enough yet. I believe Canada would benefit from statehood, given our trade deficit. While the market shows some jitters, I believe we’ll experience economic improvement. Bringing the country together requires massive success. I’m predicting a Kansas City Chiefs win, and the widespread imitation of my actions is surprising, but the rallies have been incredible.

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Happy Super Bowl! It's an iconic day, and I thought it was important for me to be here. My administration is different; I have more support now. We're tackling inefficiency and fraud in government, targeting hundreds of millions of wasted dollars. Elon Musk is helping, and we’ll be examining other departments soon. The tariffs on Canada and Mexico are necessary for border security improvements, but it's not enough yet—more action is needed. Canada becoming the 51st state is a real possibility to address our trade deficit. While inflation may be a concern, we’re working to make America rich again. Bringing the country together requires massive success, and I'm focused on that. I'm predicting a Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl victory. The Trump dance? I never imagined it would become such a thing, but I love it. Enjoy the game!

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I wish I had a brain to concentrate on my presidential powers and avoid being indicted. I could blame the Russians for my son's addiction and crimes. Inflation is rising, and we weaponized the FBI. I admit to stealing the last election and being a loser. I am a perverted weirdo who takes showers with my daughter. If only I had a brain.

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to join Saturday Night Live after the election but eventually agreed. Shortly after, devastating fires hit LA, affecting many friends and communities. While some speculate about the causes, it’s clear that multiple factors contributed to the disaster. I reflected on the challenges of fame and the misconceptions surrounding immigrant communities in Ohio, where I supported local Haitian restaurants. As I navigate the complexities of celebrity life, I can't help but notice the absurdities around me, including the troubles of friends like Puffy. With Donald Trump returning as president, I urge him to remember the weight of his responsibilities. Regardless of opinions, empathy for all, especially for those displaced, is crucial. Thank you, and good night.

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Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election; it's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, Kamala lost big time. You're wrong, and you're a total loser. Your show sucks and will get low ratings. You've gone from raging bull to nobody, a disgrace. It's a horror. Kamala's probably drunk somewhere. Can you believe that guy called me the president of Virgin? Look at that crowd. It's a disgrace, but we won big, okay? Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Want to do a little dance? Come here.

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The speaker states their team contacted Vice President Harris' and President Trump's teams to discuss ideas. The speaker emphasizes the importance of personal life over politics. They are in Trump Tower and have just interviewed President Trump, calling it a great interview that will be posted next week.

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I just finished a show, and you won't believe the room they put me in. It's like Biden's Oval Office in here! I think I've finally figured out why I'm in this room. Let me show you. See that screen right there? It's a teleprompter right in front of my face. All I can say is, the last administration was something else.

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Wanna be president? Call your man. We’ll give you a platform because you’re onto something. You’re making sense, and I feel empowered now. We need to keep it nonpartisan but recognize when someone is making sense. We’ve talked to many politicians, and this is real talk. I appreciate Puff for his work; he doesn’t have to do this, but it’s important to give back. I want to note that I’m not sweating like everyone else I interview, but it’s just because I’m cool. I’m not trying to make anyone look bad; it’s just how it is. If he were in his designer clothes, he’d be sweating too. The guy is good.

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Welcome to Saturday Night Live's 50th anniversary! Congratulations to Lorne Michaels on 25 years of SNL. The news is wild, and security was intense getting in tonight. There's a lot of focus on a recent tragedy involving a man with a family, but it’s been a tough year for many, including Kamala and Diddy. Jake Paul’s antics against older fighters are ridiculous. Trump had an eventful year, surviving an assassination attempt and winning the presidency again. People worry about his lack of dignity, but history shows we've had undignified presidents before. Meanwhile, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, which is what any parent would do. We have a great show ahead with Gracie Abrams, so stick around!

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Hey, Maga. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

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I squeak like a chirping grasshopper or a squeaky screen door. I want to be a backup girl. What's wrong with Justin's hair? We need a global movement. Men think we go from oral to anal, but I don't anymore. I think about Lisa and horses. Welcome back. Kader is spelled k h a d r. Omar Connery has more class than the entire cabinet. Thank you.

This Past Weekend

1-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #6

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Theo Von opens on Monday, January 23, referencing Hail to the Chief and musing on its origins. He mentions feeling under the weather, then shares a string of personal vignettes, including an early LA experience sleeping in a McDonald’s ball pit and a moment borrowing a homeless man’s headphones that taught him not to borrow headphones. He hints at upcoming topics: sensuality, oral experiences from youth, various sounds, and a Snapchat fan request. He describes indecision while shopping for yogurt, eight for four dollars, debating flavors from vanilla to lemon burst, cherry, blueberry, lime, and beyond, joking about past yogurt memories. He notes politics and a new president’s inauguration, Melania’s look, and Baron’s gaze, wondering what’s going through the boy’s head. He cites violent weather in Georgia and tornadoes that harmed people, then recounts a personal tornado memory on a Louisiana–Mississippi border farm, where a colleague and he hid in a ditch while the storm passed, reflecting on Reagan’s impact on homelessness. He shares adult sensual anecdotes, aging and sexual performance concerns, and a contrast between sober sex and youth. He recalls a shellfish date and a road-story about a flirtation that led to a dangerous encounter, with a father intervening. He closes with tour updates, gratitude, and a reminder to take care of oneself, signing off with Hail to the chief and a cue to carry one’s own headphones.