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The speaker states they anticipate criticism for their following opinion. They claim that neither Elon Musk nor Donald Trump has ever had consensual sex with a woman, nor sex for which they didn't have to pay, either with money or gifts. The speaker concludes with "Have a great day."

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I came back. When I came back in the office, I was shocked to learn that this weekend, the biggest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether Donald Trump had died. For the record, Donald Trump is very much alive. Okay? And no. We like our presidents alive. Donald Trump is very much alive, and this whole crazy rumor started simply because Trump had zero events on his schedule Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. And one of the only signs that he might still be around was music in the rose garden, which the White House confirmed was the president's music, which I gotta say is not the strongest proof of life. Yes, nurse. I do see that flat line, but the patient is clearly alive because his iPhone is playing Papa Loves Mambo.

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A student's prank on a teacher backfired, resulting in a blindfolded half-court shot that became a target on campus. The shot went in, and the speaker asked if it was on tape. Another speaker said it was perfect. One speaker was freaked out that the shot actually went in.

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The exchange centers on accusations of hyperbolic statements and the accuracy of quoted posts. Speaker 0 challenges Speaker 1's credibility, citing a series of posts and asking whether the statements were read correctly. - On 02/11/2026, Speaker 0 cites a Blueski post: “my words or your words, not mine. The democrats video telling service members to ignore illegal orders didn't go far enough. They should have also urged them to refuse unethical orders, whether illegal or not. There are many things deemed legal that are still obviously unethical, and everyone should hold themselves to this higher law,” and asks, “Did I read that correctly?” Speaker 1 confirms reading it and asks if Speaker 0 disagrees with it, questioning whether people should do unethical things in their capacity of [unknown context]. - On 12/31/2025, Speaker 0 references a post reading, “in front of god and country. … They referring to Republicans think they control their way into us accepting ethnic cleansing,” and asks, “Did I read that correctly?” Speaker 1 responds that it related to a DHS security post advocating a 100,000,000 deportations, stating that “A 100,000,000 deportations would be ethnic cleansing,” adding, “You would be True. One third of the country. So, yes, there are people within the Department of Homeland security.” Speaker 0 asks whether this is hyperbolic and requests more time. - On 02/05 (implied), Speaker 1 notes, “advocating a 100,000,000” but the sentence is cut off in the transcript. Speaker 0 comments, “reputations is … cleansing,” while continuing to engage in the discussion with the chair and audience; Speaker 0 asks for thirty more seconds. - On 03/02, Speaker 0 quotes Speaker 1: “if you rule against Trump's population purge agenda, no hyper permanently there, the nativists will name you, threaten you, and come after you. These judges are much braver than the ICE agents who hide behind masks while violating the constitution. They are much braver.” Speaker 1 clarifies, “They put their names on their rulings, and they stand behind their constitutional rulings. When I talk about population purge, I'm talking about the fact that they're trying to deport US born citizens, people born here. They are trying to deport them as well. So it's not a mass deportation agenda. It is also an agenda intended to reduce the population of The United States, including US born people.” - Speaker 0 responds, “Thank you.” Speaker 1 adds, “These are not hyperbolic statements. I appreciate you reading my account. Here's the good news.” The conversation escalates in tone as Speaker 0 interjects with disbelief, asking, “What planet … parachute him from?” Speaker 1 replies, “No. No.” Speaker 0 comments, “Hey, guys. You're you you You trigger my gag reflex,” and Speaker 1 closes with, “Mr. Bieber.”

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The right-wing is promoting a baseless conspiracy theory that claims Taylor Swift's relationship with Travis Kelce and the Super Bowl are rigged to help Joe Biden win the election. Media personalities and conservative figures are spreading this theory, suggesting that Taylor Swift is working for the Democratic party. Some even call her a psy op. This conspiracy has caused a stir among the far right, with many expressing their disbelief and frustration.

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"I have the best news ever." The conversation playfully compares death rumors to real news, with lines like "What? Donald Trump died?" "Second best news." "The vice president died?" "Okay. Third best news." "That Elon Musk died?" "Okay. No. No. No. No." The speaker then clarifies, "Nobody died. My best friend's getting married." When asked which one, he reveals, "Which one is it? Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce got engaged." The exchange shifts from fictitious celebrity deaths to a real-life engagement involving Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.

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Speaker 0 expresses concern about having a time bomb inside them and hopes it's not true. They suggest meeting again in three years to see how things are going. The speaker believes it's likely that they have a time bomb. The video then transitions to the news of CNN journalist Drew Griffin's passing. It is revealed that Griffin died suddenly in December after a long battle with cancer. CNN states that Griffin had kept his illness private and continued working until his last day.

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Speaker 0: Michael and I are not easily scared, except when Michelle is angry. Speaker 1: They fooled the country and the world. Speaker 0: They had us all fooled. Speaker 1: Will we see the first gay or woman president? Let's not jump to conclusions. Speaker 0: Michelle is a transgender. We all know.

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Speaker 0 greets Mega and asks, 'Hey, Mega. How bad does it hurt?' The speaker notes, 'The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.'

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Just because I'm fat, that doesn't invalidate the things that I say. "She died." The statement is followed by a provocative prompt: "You ready to get super sized?" "She died too." The sequence continues with a shift in tone: "Today, I've got the big Fruit Loops." "He's dead." The closer invites listeners: "Join me on my fat positive radio show, which didn't last long because she died."

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Hey everyone, here's the Super Bowl script, just for fun! It starts as you'd expect – the Chiefs dominate, analysts agree, Taylor Swift is everywhere. Looks like a blowout! The third quarter shows the Eagles completely outclassed; social media explodes with accusations of a rigged game. Casual viewers are tuning out. Then, the fourth quarter twist! The Eagles suddenly rally, scoring quickly, forcing a fumble.

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The speaker asserts that rifle safety is a primary qualification for being vice president. They claim no recent vice president has used a shotgun irresponsibly, though the Cheney incident is mentioned. The speaker then lists Bernie Sanders, Dick Cheney, and Taylor Swift, before seemingly confirming Cheney is on board with the initial claim.

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Two speakers discuss a report about Charlie's death. They relay the claim: They're reporting that Charlie has died, that he's dead at the age of 31, which he would have to be if that video was real. They consider implications of the video, suggesting that the age would align with the video if it were authentic. They then exchange skepticism about survival: There's no way he survived that. The only good thing is it had to have happened quickly. The first speaker concurs with uncertainty, concluding with: Right. Right. The brief exchange emphasizes belief in the reported death tied to the video's alleged authenticity and an assumption about rapid events.

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The speaker claims a Katy Perry space flight was staged and presents a video clip as proof. The clip shows the hatch of a space capsule being opened from the inside. A woman inside the capsule appears to quickly shut the hatch. The speaker suggests this action reveals the hoax, claiming the hatch opening was not yet "queue time" and was meant to appear as if Jeff Bezos opened it from the outside. The speaker replays the clip, highlighting the woman's reaction and implying she was laughing because the staged opening was exposed. The speaker asserts the audience has been fooled, as the media portrayed them waiting for Bezos to open the hatch.

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Taylor Swift is engaged. It's announced on her Instagram. The post shows the engagement with the caption Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married with a little dynamite sign there. The ring is ginormous. The hosts celebrate the news, shouting 'Swifties for life.' They joke that, based on prior statements, the president will not be having a Taylor Swift wedding in the ballroom. Olivia Renaldi volunteers to cover it and says, I'll be there to cover it. Thank for sacrifice, Olivia. We appreciate you, my friend. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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There were rumors that Paul McCartney was dead and replaced by an imposter. The speaker, claiming to be Paul, discussed the confusion and speculation surrounding his identity. Another person claimed to be standing in for Paul to make money. The real Paul McCartney joked about the situation and acknowledged the confusion. Ultimately, the speaker admitted to not knowing how to set up a band and feeling like an imposter.

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Sam, you've been quiet. Can you share something? My phone battery drains quickly, and it’s frustrating. That seems trivial. I felt my vote didn’t count on Tuesday. Is that about The Voice? I lost a family member recently, which is tough. I got locked out of my Tubi account, and my mom’s name is Tubi. That’s a grief gasm. I just had one, and my phone’s dying. Catherine, do you want to share? My dog died, and it hit me hard because I adopted him during a tough time. Samuel, let her speak. I’m sober, but I bought a bottle of booze last Saturday and can’t stop staring at it. Just let her talk. I have my own trauma; my wife exploded on Christmas Eve. That’s the most boring story ever.

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Laura Loomer believes Taylor Swift is in an arranged relationship with Travis Kelsey to influence the 2024 election. The speaker suggests Laura Loomer herself may be in an arranged relationship to affect the election because she is close to Trump, is 31, and looks like his type. The speaker recalls doing an editorial a few years ago about who Trump is sleeping with, saying it's not Melania. The speaker thinks Laura Loomer might be the answer.

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Thanks, I'm Norm McDonald. Now, the fake news. It's official: murder is legal in California.

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The speaker claims a Katy Perry space flight was staged and presents a video clip as proof. The clip shows the hatch of a space capsule being opened from the inside. A woman inside the capsule appears to quickly shut the hatch. The speaker suggests this action reveals the hoax, claiming the hatch opening was not yet "queue time" and was meant to appear as if Jeff Bezos opened it from the outside. The speaker replays the clip, highlighting the woman's reaction and implying it exposes the staged nature of the event. The speaker asserts the media is complicit in deceiving the public.

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Speaker 1 mentions ridiculous theories about Melania's statement, joking about a time traveler. They suggest a conspiracy involving the Democratic party using TEMO for a hit. Speaker 0 interrupts, ending the conversation.

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Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Nancy Pelosi are on an airplane with the pilot. Obama wants to make one American happy by throwing a $100 bill out the window. Hillary wants to make two Americans happy by throwing $200. Pelosi wants to make a hundred Americans happy by throwing $100 bills. Finally, the speaker suggests throwing all three politicians out the window to make all of America happy. The speaker then mentions Trump 2020.

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President Biden claimed he was shot down, but there is no evidence of that. He also said his uncle was eaten by cannibals, which one speaker notes is "a bad way to go." Another speaker objects to joking about the uncle's death. Biden also said his oath was "even." One speaker suggests the other's last line was meant to be funny, but that Biden takes the matter seriously.

This Past Weekend

Last Words | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #349
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Theo Von opens by noting he’s alive this morning and ponders dying in one’s sleep versus dying with a last word, asking Raleigh Mao what final line he’d want. The hosts move into sponsor reads and a riff on what music, a dog bite, a bee, and lightning can do to shift a mood, joining a short list of five mood shifters that rival escalators. He recalls his weekend in Las Vegas for a UFC event, a scorcher where the runway’s heat delayed a landing, and where a crowded scene included two aggravating women, one of whom he says “deserved to live.” He describes the fights, Dustin Poirier’s win, and an exciting moment with Sean O’Malley, plus backstage encounters with fighters and celebrities, including Joe Rogan’s bridge between comedy and fighting. The live atmosphere—without TV commentary—feels like bird-watching, and Theo reflects on how fighters and comedians share a drive to be seen and to fill voids in their lives. He chats with Riley about dating, love, and marriage, including a question about dating a friend’s ex and how to handle bro code, emphasizing communication and timing. They also sample viewer questions, including a North Carolina welder’s query about trades as a career and Theo’s memories of a piping job and camaraderie. The show weaves in rapid-fire pop culture bits, hood fireworks, a duct-taped passenger video, and tongue-in-cheek talk about last words. It closes with commercial spots—Headspace, ShipStation, Manscaped, BetterHelp—and reminders about Theo Von’s Nashville Netflix special, tickets at theovon.com, and merch drops. Riley Mao’s presence anchors the conversation, with mutual banter about dating, therapy, and life on the come-up.

This Past Weekend

Chris Distefano 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #265
Guests: Chris Distefano
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The episode features Theo Von hosting Chris Distefano on History Hyenas, mixing memories from their Opie and Anthony days with current careers, live shows, and a steady stream of jokes. They open with the Carl Ruiz story—the Mad Cuban—recounting rumors that his wife left him for a busboy, that he moved to the woods, lived on Big Macs drenched in syrup, and that he died while opening a Midtown restaurant; they note his generous heart, his role as a stepfather, and the bittersweet tragedy of Greek-like storytelling. They joke about his notorious breath and Zen dip packs while paying tribute, and they recall the big Cuban’s warmth and the family he left behind. They shift to Chris’s recent shows in Cleveland, where Theo recounts the surge in followers after their cross-pollination, and where Chris explains that his weekend gate grew from 99,000 to 139,000 followers in a single week, turning those fans into ongoing History Hyenas listeners. They discuss how podcasts now drive growth more than television, and how Chris’s Instagram and Theo’s platform helped expand both careers, with fans often discovering them via the podcast and sticking around for live shows and the Hyenas brand. They riff about fashion and body bits—fingers, bangs, thong toe sandals—and then anchor on the road team: Ari Mantis, Don DePeda, and Sergio Chico, highlighting Sergio’s ten-year sobriety, his boxing coaching, Don’s drinking, and the importance of a steady crew for mental health on tour. They describe the pressure in larger venues, the fear of fainting during a set, and how honesty with the crowd—together with nets and a loyal crew—helps them navigate anxiety while preserving spontaneity. A fan asks for an authentic New York experience; Theo and Chris suggest walking through Brooklyn, hitting Joe’s Pizza, strolling the Brooklyn Bridge, and visiting family in Staten Island, while also acknowledging safety and the city’s rough edges, all delivered with their signature blend of warmth and bravura. They cover Brad Williams’s Kaiden GoFundMe, its initial $10,000 goal, the flood of donations to about $460,000 after celebrity attention, and Kaiden’s family’s decision to donate excess to charity rather than take a Disneyland trip; they describe GoFundMe’s vetting and the distribution of funds to six charities in the US and Australia, with the remainder going to Kaiden’s family. They note currency, share the charities, and applaud the generosity that will support anti-bullying and anti-racism work across two countries, then close with Chris’s touring schedule and a plug for History Hyenas’ live dates and Gramercy Theatre shows, plus a nod to future Vancouver, Boston, Raleigh, Philadelphia, Seattle, Portland dates and more. They wrap with playful, candid banter about sexuality, the show’s hustle, and their affection for each other, ending on a warm, real note about their friendship and the work ahead.
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