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People are grabbing ducks in the park, cutting their heads off, and eating them. To be part of the solution, vote President Trump back in office. An innocent animal needs saving from this border crisis, and America needs your help. For the low price of voting for Donald Trump on November 5th, you could help an animal in Haitian captivity. This is your chance to say, "I won't sit by while an animal suffers." Vote Donald Trump this November.

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I attended Hanksgiving, an exclusive party where everyone dresses up as Tom Hanks. It was the 3rd annual event and costumes were bought specifically for this occasion. We took a group photo and awarded prizes for the best dish and costumes. Tom Hanks, you're always welcome to join us.

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I'm here washing dishes, I was demoted from the turkey line for giving too much gravy. It's an honor to meet you! I'm a huge fan of Tesla and SpaceX. It feels great to help the less fortunate. Helping people is important, especially after viewing Earth from the International Space Station, where I spent two months as a payload specialist. I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I really want you to adopt me. You're here on Thanksgiving, so you're probably a good person. Do you think you might ever get back out to space? We're always looking for engineers. Give me your email so we can stay in touch. Someone hardly touched their pumpkin pie. Wanna share it with me? A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter with Elon Musk? You bet I do!

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On Thanksgiving, we remember the pilgrims who came to America seeking freedom and the blessings of God. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln established a day of thanksgiving, and today we honor those who came before us and those who protect our nation. We are grateful for the men and women in uniform who cannot be with their families, as they defend our country. We also appreciate the Americans who help those in need and the first responders who risk their lives to save others. Despite hardships, we have seen the strength of the American spirit as neighbors and strangers come together. We are one people, one American family, bound by love and loyalty. We give thanks for our loved ones and ask for God's blessings on our land. Happy Thanksgiving. God bless you and God bless America.

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Let's listen to the crowd as they join in singing about spacious skies and amber waves of grain. Underwood encourages everyone to participate, reminding them that they know the words.

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If everything I had were gone, I would start over with my family. I’m grateful to live in a country where freedom remains strong. I take pride in being an American, ready to defend this land I love. From Minnesota to Tennessee, Texas to the coasts, there’s pride in every American heart. It’s time to stand together and express our love for this nation. God bless the USA.

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I only like chicken nuggets. They're good. For breakfast, I want chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets are like family to me. I'm going to see if she has chicken nuggets.

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The speaker expresses delight in the taste of the turkey, stating that it is even better than it appears. They anticipate a great treat for everyone. The speaker then requests that the neck of the turkey be saved for them, addressing someone named Clark. Eddie acknowledges the request.

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Let's bow our heads and bless the meal. Everyone, say Namaste. Now, let's get some food. The line is long, so I'll grab something fresh off the grill. We have sausages, brisket, and ribs. Do you have any vegan options? Unfortunately, no. I guess a bun with ketchup will have to do. By the way, have you seen my husband? I’m starting to worry. I think he went around the house. Who's your favorite Batman? What have you done? You're eating meat! It was an accident; it means nothing to me! Don't go! I just haven't had real food in a while.

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"I wanna talk about a truly inspirational public figure named Taylor Swift." "Of course, I watched her podcast interview with the Kelsey brothers." "I went to my first concert of hers fifteen years ago." "I know all her music, and I listened to it in my headphones when I cut the grass." "So, yes, I have a favorite of hers." "Although, honestly, for me, it's a tie between All Too Well, ten minute version, and Exile featuring Bon Iver." "Think of your energy as if it's expensive, she said, as if it's like a luxury item." "Last year, she urged Americans not to make the serious mistake of electing him." "There are far more decent, honest, kind people in America than there are mean jerks." "Thank you, Taylor Swift. Keep the faith."

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Alright, stop what you're doing. I'm about to ruin the image of me that you're used to. I look money. I'm a king bee making honey. Deep state, I hope you're ready for me. Gather round, the new sheriff is in town. All my people rise up and stand your ground. Pick up all the diet coke you got. Let me introduce myself. My name is Trump D. I like my mashed potatoes lumpy. Thank news, oh, how I like the clunky. He took a shot, but he missed me. I don't fall. I'm like the ever ready bunny, still going strong and funky. Does this freak everybody out?

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He complimented my stomach. He wants to dive deep like scuba. Thankful for my body. Praise the Lord. He makes me wet. I make him hard. We get lost in each other's passion. He likes my stomach.

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How did we rise? Together. Union is at the heart of this day, this glorious, chaotic experiment we call "us." As we gather, we witness a piece of our culture: the energy, the competition, the drive for victory. We celebrate the urgency, the thrill, the glory of this game—as one. Today, we honor the players' dedication. We're all united. It's Super Bowl time, America. Let's huddle up!

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It's the last show before Christmas! How will you spend the holidays? I'm excited because I'm with my new guy. Me too! What's he like? He's special—my boyfriend is Santa! He knows when I'm sleeping and treats me right. When I'm naughty, he thinks it's nice. I love when we jump in a sleigh and he takes me to the North Pole. He enjoys my milk and cookies, and while others put up stockings, he's taking mine down. Santa keeps me warm in the winter snow, and I don’t mind when he sees me in my pajamas. He promised he wouldn't leave me. They always promise, and it usually works out, right?

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What is everyone thankful for? Just kidding! Let’s enjoy a nice dinner. Can you pass the...

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I wrote a song for you to listen to. It's about being content with having nothing materialistic. No money, no car, just a lot of booster shots. It's okay though, because you don't need to buy anything with your low social credit score. The message is to be happy with owning nothing.

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Everybody knows there's no party like a ditty party.

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I'm Donald Trump, and I love a good deal and a good meal. When I saw a defunct Meineke muffler shop in Englewood, New Jersey, I decided to buy it and turn it into a restaurant specializing in buffalo chicken wings. This is the most important thing I've ever done. At Donald Trump's House of Wings, you can enjoy wings with five levels of hotness: regular, hot, and hell spawn. And if you like celery, it's complimentary. Our wings are the best in New Jersey, so come by and enjoy. To all the chickens out there, you're fryered!

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If you don't have one of these for Christmas, I'm not coming. I’ve got some potatoes on it, but if you don’t have this, I’m out. Is it Timna? Where’s Footsie? I’m flipping the top, but my cousin makes it better. If you don’t have one of these, I’m not coming for Thanksgiving either. This isn’t anything like what Kurt made before.

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I am the latest dance. I stand apart from the others. With your kind attention, I will make Coon smile. It's the ideal of grace. Dress snobby, that's his hobby. You must not mace that Coon. If you follow the light from Gentry, he's not far. Listen to the catchy music and watch him dance from the world's fair to the turkey trot. Do not that contigula, very, very hot. Hand upon your head, let your mind roll far back, back, back, and look at the stars. Stand up and dance brightly, and that's not our malala. Look at the stars. Stand up and dance brightly, and that's not my love.

This Past Weekend

12-11-17 A Partridge and the Pression | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #11
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Theo Von kicks off with a Christmas mood, weaving musical imagery, riffs on home and Europe, and a stream of jokes about holidays, animals, and cultural clichés. He moves from Christmas soundtrack references to a panorama of holiday traditions around the world, noting fried caterpillars in South Africa, the Yule goat in Sweden and its straw form, and the giant straw goat’s history of torchings in Gavril. He contrasts American attitudes toward animals with other places, then detours to Africa’s vast, primal imagery and even fantasizes about time travel through an African man’s eyes. He mentions a mythical snack called “snack a dactyl,” and describes Africa’s caterpillar delicacy as real tradition. In Vietnam, markets sell a variety of meats, including owl and aardvark, and he recounts an attempt to free a partridge that ends with multiple vendors converging. He hints at Mississippi Christmas meals and the universal impulse to eat what sustains families. He shares personal frustration and depression, sleep disruption, and a medication switch, acknowledging a cycle of scrolling, late nights, and uncompleted to-dos. A gratitude practice—ten things he’s grateful for—helps lift his mood, and he expresses gratitude for listeners, friends, and the Comedy Store crew. He previews Thursday’s episode on Christmas around the world and invites listeners to contribute stories. Two segments with Adam: a call about pornography and consensual fantasies within marriage, the host’s apology for crowdsourcing calls, and Adam’s subsequent defense and continued engagement. The host closes with hotline information, a tease about new merch and Live Tree’s Adept platform, and final holiday thanks, ending with a music cue.

This Past Weekend

Steven Rinella | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #610
Guests: Steven Rinella
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Steven Rinella and Theo Von begin with a wild, intelligent thread: the turkey as a living doorway into culture, science, and hunting lore. They describe the bird’s anatomy in vivid detail: a head that shifts from red to blue during breeding, a fleshy snood, a beard of modified feathers, and spurs on the legs that can be inch-long weapons. They explain why turkey lore matters in American history, debating Ben Franklin’s proposal that the turkey should be the national symbol rather than the bald eagle. They also reference Rinella’s Meat Eater, his Netflix show, and a long history of turkey hunting. From there, the dialogue dives into the field: why the turkey’s courtship is a theater of sound and color. A gobbler’s head flips color as it’s excited, red to white to blue, signaling breeding drive and competition. They explain the snood, the beard, and the spurs as diagnostic features, and they describe how a turkey drums with its wings on the ground while the bird vocalizes. They riff on how a hunter uses hen calls to lure a strutting tom, and how urban misperceptions of turkeys miss the bird’s intelligence and tenacity, with Rinella defending the species as a dynamic, tough creature. Beyond the bird itself, the talk shifts to wildlife management and the role of hunting in conservation. Rinella highlights how state fish and game agencies rely on hunting and fishing licenses to fund habitat work, enforcement, and restoration projects, and he cites the National Wild Turkey Federation as a crucial force in reviving wild populations. They discuss the broader politics of wildlife, including debates over barred and spotted owls in the Pacific Northwest and a 2025 decision to pull funding for barred owl removal. The conversation frames hunting as a driver of on-the-ground conservation. Interwoven with natural history are long conversations about human evolution, genetics, and prehistory. Rinella and Von wander through Neanderthal ancestry, debating how humans and Neanderthals intermingled, and they joke about a hypothetical Neanderthal guest for the show. They reference 23andMe and the growing public interest in genetic heritage, including the idea of unusually high Neanderthal percentages. The talk then moves to travel and wildlife, from Rinella’s safari in Africa to Alaska’s vast landscapes, and to his Meat Eater American history series about mountain men, the beaver trade, and the decline of the buffalo herd.

The Rubin Report

'I'm Going to Lose It!' What a 'Biden Is Going to Lose' Meltdown Looks Like
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The discussion begins with a reflection on the support from the LGBTQ community, emphasizing the importance of fighting for equality and the right to love. The speaker acknowledges a shift in perspective, realizing that intolerance, not Israel, is the true enemy. They humorously mention Hamas rebranding themselves as "Ham Ass" in light of this newfound acceptance. Dave Rubin then transitions to political commentary, criticizing Joe Scarborough's alarmist views on Trump, labeling him an authoritarian. He discusses Biden's age and cognitive abilities, suggesting that concerns about his capability to lead are valid. Rubin highlights the potential for a shift in Democratic leadership, speculating on Gavin Newsom as a possible candidate. As Thanksgiving approaches, Rubin encourages open political discussions at family gatherings, urging people to express their views honestly. He expresses gratitude for his audience and reflects on the importance of being thankful, especially in challenging times. The segment concludes with Rubin sharing his plans for Thanksgiving dinner and his appreciation for his community.

This Past Weekend

11-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #54
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Theo Von opens with a Thanksgiving episode, urging gratitude and sharing personal reflections on family, friends, and the discipline of presence. He thanks listeners and shout-outs Spencer Jacob Growl for the theme song, Budd Galloway for production, and his Patreons, listing several names and promising extended footage on Patreon. He enumerates everyday blessings—hair, skin, and air—and intersperses humorous, sometimes graphic memories of aging, a grandfatherly figure named Sergeant Henry, and his grandmother, all in a stream of Thanksgiving anecdotes. He emphasizes connecting with loved ones, telling family you love them, and even hugging someone who hates you, inviting listeners to submit eight-second challenges. The show includes caller bits about Thanksgiving plans and a discussion on whether Black people get nervous, framed as a broader conversation about nerves and behavior. He closes by thanking contributors, sponsors, and listeners, wishing a joyful Thanksgiving and promising more content and gratitude.

This Past Weekend

Gangsgiving | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #419
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Gang baby, gang baby, gang triple gang. I’m grateful and hopeful this Thanksgiving, and I want you to feel loved, maybe by yourself first. I’ll hug a stranger, a hitchhiker, or a grandma in the kitchen if it helps somebody feel seen. I’ll slow dance with Grandma, recall Grandpa, and spray a little Old Spice, keeping small moments of connection alive. I’m grateful for listeners, for chances to try again, and for the struggle that makes hope possible. It’s hard to stay hopeful and let go of grudges, but today I choose hope and togetherness. Thanks for being here. We’ve got new gear in the hitter hunting club collection at theovanstore.com—hoodies, camo hats, and other items to carry you through the season. We’re moving to a new studio soon, closer to the elevator and the bathrooms, and yes, you’ll still hear the comedic “booty harmonica” now and then. Shows from January 25 to June 3 run Louisville, Indianapolis, Shreveport, Baton Rouge, Corpus Christi, Helston, Houston, Phoenix, New York, Austin. Details at theovan.com. San Diego was amazing, even while I fought a nasty flu; IVs and late nights, and a security guard who didn’t quite understand the moment. Caleb Presley allegedly faked his death on me; Will Compton texted about it while I was on a plane, and I was shaken before the truth came. UFC 281 was magical—the Molly McCann fight, the Poirier-Chandler war, and the ring girls who light up the arena. Buffalo’s blizzard was wild, the temperature and the Bills fandom palpable. I’m seven months sober, and I’m grateful for every small step. I want to keep this connection going, maybe add more solo episodes, and we’ll announce more guests soon. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. We’ll be back next week with Neil deGrasse Tyson. Call the hotline 956-649-503.
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