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Did I steal Trump's haircut, or did he steal mine? Either way, it's a cultural appropriation haircut right there. Just call me Joey Reed, a clear case of Trump derangement syndrome in full swing.

Einstein's clock is synchronized with my watch. They predicted you would look like a young Donald Trump at 47 years old. There is a resemblance, a Donald Trumpiness to it. I cannot be fired.

Their house looks good. I love podcasts. Oh, I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking. Gravity's Rainbow is my favorite book. I'm Charlie. I'm Ben. Would you ever watch where you're going? You charged into me like a rhino! It's November; shouldn't you be with the Halloween decorations? What are you listening to? A podcast on how to be less of a coward? You have something in your hair—oh, it's a rat. I thought I was unlucky in love. Hi, I had to draw you; I call it "getting hit by a garbage truck." Most lesbians are fans. You can say my music sucks. At least you know who I am. We're on SNL! You're like 6'7" with the confidence of a 52-year-old. We're way more brat than you—brat stands for being really awesome together. Good day!

Hi. Every forty five seconds, a black man enters an elevator, and some stupid white bitch clutches her purse for a dear life. Now you might not think we notice, but we do. And while you think you're protecting yourself, in actuality, you're provoking a savage attack. The small step to the side, your subtle death grip on your belongings. It makes me wanna snatch that fucking purse out of your hands and beat your racist ass to the ground. However, I'm not gonna do that. But I'll tell you what I will do. Dumb bitch.

I can take a nap while this guy, who wasn't born in the U.S. and grew up under apartheid in South Africa, does my job. He might even be a foreign agent or an enemy of the United States. I'm getting some flack for saying Musk was pro-apartheid. I don't really know for sure, but he grew up during that time, so maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. He might have been young. So, Elon, please don't sue me!

You guys were brave, but also assholes, so please back off. You know who's an asshole? Someone who sentences me and makes my sentencing last while I get sentenced in twenty-two years. That's an asshole. This is certainly fun, motherfucker. You didn't do shit, fucking bitch, fucking bald-headed bitch. Fuck you, Tourette's, man, okay.

Get a rainbow! I'm like a guy. Angry Michael, I’ll call the cops. You won’t do anything. I just stepped on your jacket, Michael. What’s up with that? It’s crazy. What do you think of Michael Jackson, people? You look alike!

He has wavy hair, but it seems to be thinning. Bob might look better with a hood, not because he's racist, but it would suit him. He has a limited worldview, mistaking the English Channel for a British TV station. Speaking of celebrations, Lee Duncan's birthday party was fantastic. I don't want to delve into that further.

Are you going to cover the Diddy scandal in your stand-up routine? Have you thought about how to approach it? I probably won't. Why not? It's about family. If he's convicted, would you consider it then? No. So you think Diddy is completely off-limits? Yeah, that's right. Alright, thanks. How are you doing?

Want to go fishing tomorrow? I've got a colonoscopy! My party was a flop. The guests have arrived... or is this even a party? It's a cul-de-sac party! The invitations were spears (metaphorically, of course). Someone's using a leaf blower. My mower's a smoker – I spent a fortune on it! Fully custom. Plenty of Bud Lights. The party's hopping, but the HOA's already complaining. Bill, get off the boat!

I can't fly to Akron just to insult a guy. The line "jerk store" is too good to waste. There are no jerk stores, it's a clever line for a smart audience. I won't dumb it down for a mass audience.

I sit on the stand and it gets hot. I have hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun. Kids used to rub my leg in the pool and watch the hair come back up. I learned about roaches and kids jumping on my lap. I love kids jumping on my lap.

My generation fought hard to ensure that certain disrespectful language wouldn't be tolerated. The only comic who could get away with insulting everyone was Don Rickles. Others need to be smarter and funnier. The point is, it’s not just about being funny; it’s about respect. We worked to prevent people from speaking to women, men, or anyone different in hurtful ways. Now, it seems like some have lost their sense of decency and respect.

The speaker expresses amusement at sensitive topics and notes the tension between humor and perceived offense. They say: "I find Islam quite funny. I find all sorts of things that I'm not supposed to what's that? Aloha Aloha snack snack Yeah. I find tranny is quite funny. I mean, all these things are inherently very entertaining, but we're told that we can't laugh about them because we're offending someone. Madam, I'm grateful to you for coming, but to be quite honest with you feelings." The remarks highlight humor, offense, and social norms around laughter.

Yo, check out what they did to Ken! Back in my day, Ken was a straight-up executive type, driving a black Corvette, with Barbie as his wife. Now, they got him looking all feminized. It's the alphabet community's fault, man. Why is he holding ice cream and a snowboard? That's not manly! Nobody snowboards with ice cream. And look at his hair! He's got a swoop like girls used to get for the club. It's messed up! That ain't Ken, that's Kenisha!

I saw this spot first! You wish. I swear on my mother! I don't care. My mother is dead. Shame on you. Ugh, I hate this guy. I don't want to see that. These guys like it, though. Shut up! I need this spot; I'm handicapped. That's bull. My blood pressure is high! You're lying. I'm super Christian! Screw you! Don't do two at once. Sorry, it's a habit. Come on, it's almost Christmas! I'm not Scrooge; I have a good heart. Ho ho ho! I didn't know what else to do. If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to my wife. I don't see a wife. Get away, or I will kill you! The spot is all yours, sir. Happy holidays!

Colin Quinn shared a famous moth joke: a moth visits a podiatrist, who suggests seeing a psychiatrist instead. The moth replies, "Because the light was on." It's a good joke, but not mine. I was on Conan O'Brien's show for a segment, and unexpectedly, he announced I would be featured longer. I thought I’d share a quick joke, so I asked how long the segment was, hoping for 20 seconds. He said it was about 7 minutes, so I expanded the joke to fill that time.

I'm considering taking in an Israeli refugee, but I have some concerns. I joke about giving them a shelf and fridge, but then I might end up sleeping in my own shed because the toilet is occupied. It's funny, right? I recently did a job where I got heavily booed for a joke, but I believe if you don't like it, you can leave. I care about the people in Gaza.

Good evening, Colin. I crossed oceans of time to find you, and the traffic was crazy. It's great to see you, original Nosferatu. Wow, it's much smaller than I imagined. Not the studio—your penis! You keep it out all day? Oh my God, I visited sick kids at the hospital. What did you think of the new Nosferatu movie? I thought it sucked. Vampire humor sucks. Speaking of, I want to suck your neck. Please don’t touch me with your cold fingers. I really liked the movie, though I wish I had auditioned. You might be a little jealous of the new Nosferatu. Jealous? He looks nothing like me! You can barely do one sit-up and can't grow facial hair. Whatever, Colin. You can’t grow a mustache either. I need to suck some blood. Time to visit my favorite cast member, Sarah Sherman. Nosferatu, everyone. Good night!

Let's address the situation. You mention the Jewish community's struggle with pornography, yet you're known for your outrageous behavior on shows like Howard Stern. Your videos depict inappropriate actions, like dancing provocatively with a child and making crude comments about my anatomy. You have a reputation for being wild, and I could mention your adult products, but instead, I’ll ask if you're currently using one. Can I respond? Sure, go ahead. Do you have a model called "the holiness"?

I squeak like a chirping grasshopper or a squeaky screen door. I want to be a backup girl. What's wrong with Justin's hair? We need a global movement. Men think we go from oral to anal, but I don't anymore. I think about Lisa and horses. Welcome back. Kader is spelled k h a d r. Omar Connery has more class than the entire cabinet. Thank you.

It's Christmas, and we have a tradition of sharing jokes live on air that we haven't seen before. I’m concerned about reading potentially offensive jokes, so I’ll try to navigate that carefully. The first joke touches on Kamala Harris's support for reparations, humorously suggesting that white people deserve their money back for runaway slaves. Another joke discusses how women are more likely to orgasm when in tune with their bodies. There’s a playful jab at Scarlett Johansson for her 40th birthday and a joke about having a child together. The segment continues with various humorous remarks, including a joke about Costco removing roast beef sandwiches. In closing, we wish everyone a good night.

President Karen demanded to speak to my manager. It's surprising that someone like him, who fathered Eric and Don Junior, can't handle jokes. Americans have the first amendment right and are braver than Donald Trump. He's a blowhard and a snowflake. He should change his hats to say "make America wine again."

Mister Hegseth, are you attracted to obese Hawaiian women with low intelligence? No, senator. Are you aware that I used the potty by myself today? No, senator. You seem quite fertile; if confirmed, would you commit to having a baby with me? No, senator. Are you saying under oath that you refuse to impregnate a portly Hawaiian woman, even if she can use the potty independently?

Sometimes, I feel hurt when I leave the room and my viewership increases by 30 to 50 viewers because of a plank of wood. However, as soon as I return and start speaking, my viewership drops by 70. It's strange to me that people seem to prefer a plank of wood over me.