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My kids stole, but I brought them back to return the items. Please kick them out or call the police if they come back. They apologize for stealing. If you see them again, please remove them. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Jake. I heard you're looking for me because of my involvement in the Capitol building incident. I wanted to call and address it. I'm not sure where I am right now, but I don't believe in running or hiding. I believe in the truth, my faith, and my country. I'm willing to talk and provide any information you need. I'll call the FBI after this. They're a bigger deal than the DCPD. Just let me know when you're ready to give me their number.

Did you leak a letter to the Washington Post about me? You're the chief of staff to the person who wrote it, right? I don't know how they got it before you. You need to ask Yvonne. I haven't received the letter yet. Can you send it to me? It's on its way, but you’re hard to find. How did the Washington Post know to request it? I have no idea how they became aware. I think you're lying. Someone from your office must have leaked it. There are many ways they could have known. Give me one example. Others in government could have known. So someone in your office knew about the letter. That’s faulty logic. You’re busy writing letters to journalists. I’m not the author. It’s a fight of good versus evil in this country. Order your medical emergency kit now and save 15% by using code OMG at TWC.Health/omg.

Did President Biden leave you a letter? It might be in my desk. What’s in there? It could take years to find out. Maybe we should read it together. I’ll read it first and then decide. Thank you, Peter. I may not have seen this for months. Happy to assist with the transition. I did leave him a letter in the desk.

I'm not on vacation in Europe, even though it may seem that way. I'm actually here working for you all. I have obtained something on this trip that, in the past, could have led to the president's impeachment if posted online. I have evidence that makes it very easy to impeach Joe Biden for criminal activity.

Can you please leave my property? No, I cannot. You need to leave. I’m calling the DSS worker. I haven’t done anything wrong. You’re bothering me on my porch at 10:38, scaring my children after we almost died in a landslide. We lost everything. Am I supposed to be happy about that? Is it illegal to be upset after digging my children out of rubble? You’re invading my sanctuary when I’ve lost everything. Please leave my property. I am safe and fine, and everyone needs to go now.

Excuse me, I was flagging you down. I need to see Greg Harrison's mail. Who are you? I'm his fiancée. I can't give you his mail. But I need it. You can go to his house for that. This is the issue I'm having with him. What’s your name? Troy Aiken. I need to see identification. I’m not required to show you anything. I asked nicely for his mail because I'm his fiancée, but you're at an industrial park, not near his house. If you had just stopped when I flagged you down...

Just so you know, I'm missing two work days for this trip. If President Biden extends an invitation, I'm taking it. This situation is very dangerous, and I would never do a publicity stunt. A press conference right now would just be for show. The neighbors and residents want to know that something is being done and that the situation is recognized. But I won't compromise anything. I want to make sure you are safe. Hold tight; you'll understand soon. When I can talk, I'll go into great detail. Feel free to call me anytime.

I'm at an outside meeting and need you to deliver evidence to someone. Do you have a card? Yes, I do. Just give it to him. We want confirmation that he received it. Thank you. You're welcome. Have a great day. Thank you, you too.

Hello, my love. You have no doubt heard of the shooting, and I must admit, 'twas I. I had hoped to keep the secret to the grave, but alas, I have not lasted the better part of an hour. 'Twas the hate of the man. You have not asked, but in case you were wondering where I hid the rifle, my love, 'twas over yonder by that lingering squad car. My old man shall surely be missing it presently. Do you remember how I was engraving bullets the other day in front of you? Well, it was just to do a big meme. I apologize to involve you and for this text to be so short, but I am on the lam. In conclusion, I beg you keep this from the prying eyes of the fuzz.

I'm conducting a test to see if you can spot something in my video. Pay attention and tell me if you notice anything. The Secret Service missed something visible in the video.

I’d prefer to avoid involving the Secret Service in this matter. It's a complicated process. I want to clarify that the items in question are mine. If you could skip the formalities, I’d appreciate it. I understand you sent a picture to my husband along with some of my belongings. Could you let me know a good place for him to meet you?

I am Biden and those items are mine. Please return them to my husband. Let's avoid involving the Secret Service. Where can he meet you?

I'm John Gray from the FBI. Miss Anderson isn't here. I wanted to discuss the Baton Rouge case with her. Can I schedule a meeting with her?

My dad called to say Trump was shot, and I said "good" on the phone. He warned me not to say that. I want to apologize to my FBI agent. I don't support guns, but I hope for a positive outcome.

Pick it out, read it, and answer. Public place, you did it. Is this the best or the worst? The best. Probably the Obama thing. What is your wife talking about? We heard a lot in there. Who should get back in? We're not gonna discuss that. Secret Service, come here. Hi, look at y'all. We're not talking about it. That's an awesome answer. Not the White House. We were not at the White House. He was not elected yet. Anyway, moving on. I'm in trouble now. No, you're good.

I asked you to extend your service in this important period for our alliance. I apologize for mistaking you for your wife.

Where's your friend? Biden is supposed to be here. They’re waiting for him. Look how far left he is, behind the palm tree. I can’t see him. Oh, there he is! No, wait, he’s behind the palm tree again.

I just dropped something from the drone. Did you see that light? I think that's where it fell. Can you help me find it?

As president, I would prioritize obtaining the Anthony Weiner laptop and entrusting it to a highly trusted military personnel. It has been reported that even experienced New York police officers who viewed its contents were deeply disturbed, to the point of feeling physically ill.

I kidnapped you because there was no other way to get you. You're in Canada, so I can't send or touch you. It's not flattering, it's scary. Good night. Thank you. Bye.

That's Robert De Niro's house, and I hired an actor to play his illegitimate son, Ja'Marcus. I'm back, it's your favorite president! You didn't come out last time, so I hired an investigator and found your illegitimate son, Jamarcus. I'm officially placing $200,000,000 in tariffs on your building until you come out and speak to me and your son, Jamarcus. His mother, Laquisha, who you abandoned very strongly, got shot. I'm officially adopting Jamarcus myself. Believe me. I hired a private investigator, I'm kidding. The goal was to troll him. I found out about his premiere and knew he would be there. My younger brother is a bit of an autograph hound and knows where all the celebrities are going to be. Plus, I have a friend at TMZ. I have a little network of people helping me out.

I work for President Biden every day and love it. Recently, President Biden announced that he wishes he could have a stand-in with an earpiece while he relaxes in his basement, allowing someone else to do the talking and ceremonies for him.

I sent you the flag that was flown when you were sworn in as president of the United States. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, Dr. Jill Biden.

I'm here with my father, and I want to make sure that anyone he knows will regret not following my instructions. I'm waiting for a call with him, and it seems like a shakedown, but I won't comment on that. It's suspicious how uncurious you are about it. Are you protecting the Bidens? The FBI won't answer if it's a shakedown, and that speaks volumes about them.