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I'm not going to hold back any longer, it's time the truth comes out about certain celebrities. Tom Hanks is a pedophile, and at the top levels of wealth and power, these people are sick and psycho. If more folks went to church, we wouldn't be in this mess we're in now. I agree with you. I like to shake your hand, sir. Maybe I'll start a show for you to come on, and we'll call it White Jeopardy. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way. In the end, he obviously didn't kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. I know he's your friend, but I don't care. You had to make your own way here in your own plane, didn't you?

I remember you from New York. You told me to go back where I came from. Who did you come here with? Did you get paid by the Democrats? Go home, you're a loser. I'm going to the strip club, everything's on me. Let's party.

I only have 30 seconds, but we have to fuck Trump. I don't ask for much, but I'm gonna come. Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, they all came, many times. The bankers have all come. Everybody's coming. Please don't tell my children I just said that.

I deserve to get what? You're wearing MAGA shoes in West Hollywood. Yeah, I am. It’s illegal to film someone in California. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, you dumb ugly... You’re filming a stranger? You hope I get what I deserve? What do I deserve? At least have the guts to say it. You seem very normal. What about Biden showering with his daughter? He’s the president, not running. I’m just excited to make you famous. It’s illegal to film people here. I don’t care. Then mind your own business.

Americans, happy pride month! There has been a shocking discovery of cocaine near the oval office, raising questions about how it got into the White House and who brought it in. It seems that Trump doesn't believe in honesty and decency. On a lighter note, Merry Christmas! How are you? Everything good? Are you doing well in school? We are now saying merry Christmas.

Hello, I have no idea where the $20 million went. Can you ask Beyoncé to call me back? She owes me since she didn’t perform. Cardi, you didn’t help me get elected, so I think you should pay me back. Don’t hang up! I’m serious. Nancy, stop calling me! Didn’t you retire? Can you teach me about the stock market? I’m in a financial pickle. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. It’s all Big Mike’s fault. By the way, Whoopi, are you hiring?

Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election results. It's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, and Kamala lost big time. You were wrong. You're a total loser, and your show sucks. You're going to get low ratings. It's a disgrace to go from raging gold to raging nobody. It's a horror. Kamala's probably getting drunk somewhere, the f***ing virgin. Can you believe this guy calling your favorite president a virgin? Look at that crowd; it's a disgrace. But don't worry, we already won big. Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Do you want to do a little dance?

I'm done with this nonsense. If you voted for Trump, I think you're a loser and a moron. You’re evil and deserve to suffer. I feel so strongly that I want to harm you. You're a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live. Do the world a favor and end your life before I get to you. Show me proof if you do.

My dad called to say Trump was shot, and I said "good" on the phone. He warned me not to say that. I want to apologize to my FBI agent. I don't support guns, but I hope for a positive outcome.

Please welcome the 45th, 46th, and 47th presidents of the United States, Donald J. Trump, to New York for Christmas.

I love this guy, he's the most loyal best friend in the world. Thank you, Mr. President. Take care of yourself. We'll meet again. The country is in big trouble. I love this guy. How are you? Your eyes are perfect. Say hello to the guys. Thank you very much. I'll be over there.

Bobby, it's your favorite president here. I forgive you for being a loser about the election; it's not your fault you have a low IQ. Believe me, I won, Kamala lost big time. You're wrong, and you're a total loser. Your show sucks and will get low ratings. You've gone from raging bull to nobody, a disgrace. It's a horror. Kamala's probably drunk somewhere. Can you believe that guy called me the president of Virgin? Look at that crowd. It's a disgrace, but we won big, okay? Come here, paparazzi! I love this guy. Want to do a little dance? Come here.

What do you want? The Lord caught up with me. How did this happen? I’m facing charges for election subversion, retaining classified information, and payments to an adult film star. I don’t know what to do. Just say it wasn’t you. The feds found my top secret documents on the bathroom floor, and now I’m indicted for election interference. I tried to hide them from what they were about to see. How can I get away with this when they don’t take cash payments?

I just finished a show, and you won't believe the room they put me in. It's like Biden's Oval Office in here! I think I've finally figured out why I'm in this room. Let me show you. See that screen right there? It's a teleprompter right in front of my face. All I can say is, the last administration was something else.

Alec, it's your favorite president. I'm offering you a total pardon because I want to be friends. Just kiss the ring for murdering that woman. Your impersonation of me wasn't great, but we're back in office now. If you don't want the pardon for killing that woman, that's fine. She's looking down, happy you're being confronted. (Other speaker) Do you realize my kids live in this building? We love the children. Be careful. If this camera wasn't here, I'd snap your neck. (Me) Alec Baldwin, ladies and gentlemen, what a class act! I was born and raised in New York City. I love you, Alec. You've got more balls than De Niro. De Niro ran away, but you confronted me. You're strong, but you're also weak because you murdered a woman.

I had Donald Trump on my prison cell phone. I love you, Donald Trump. Thank you. This is incredible; I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. We love you, Trump. Thank you, Mr. President.

Hey, it's Tucker Carlson. It's election afternoon, and I'm heading to Mar-a-Lago for what I hope will be a victory party. I've already voted for Donald Trump, and I encourage you to do the same. If you're in line, stay there; your vote matters, and it's your constitutional right. Don't let anything discourage you—see it through. It will be worth it in the end. Thanks.

That's Robert De Niro's house, and I hired an actor to play his illegitimate son, Ja'Marcus. I'm back, it's your favorite president! You didn't come out last time, so I hired an investigator and found your illegitimate son, Jamarcus. I'm officially placing $200,000,000 in tariffs on your building until you come out and speak to me and your son, Jamarcus. His mother, Laquisha, who you abandoned very strongly, got shot. I'm officially adopting Jamarcus myself. Believe me. I hired a private investigator, I'm kidding. The goal was to troll him. I found out about his premiere and knew he would be there. My younger brother is a bit of an autograph hound and knows where all the celebrities are going to be. Plus, I have a friend at TMZ. I have a little network of people helping me out.

So, we've got breaking news: Trump's been arrested for *not* being on Epstein's client list, while Bill Clinton wins for most trips to the island. I want to thank my wife and Monica. Jeffrey, this one's for you! Welcome to client list anonymous. My name is Tom Hanks, and I'm on the list. It’s been three weeks, but no one will ever know. I'm Bill, and it's been two days. I was lonely watching Cuties, and boom, a million-dollar hush money payment. Epstein Island? They got my associate, so case closed! I never met Jeffrey, no sexual relations happened on Epstein Island. Don't worry, nobody will ever know. That’s Jeffrey's client list. Trump isn't on it! You'll fry for this. I didn't even know there were clients.

Hey, Roe. Tell Miss Karnes who you are for Halloween. You know, when they targeted my hero and attempted to assassinate the next president, that was the breaking point for me. I declared it was time for Trumpomania to run wild again. Let Trumpomania make America great again.

Hey, Maga. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

President Karen demanded to speak to my manager. It's surprising that someone like him, who fathered Eric and Don Junior, can't handle jokes. Americans have the first amendment right and are braver than Donald Trump. He's a blowhard and a snowflake. He should change his hats to say "make America wine again."

I got the camo for your sister and a cookbook for my mom, but they didn't have Sadie's size. I'll check another store. Excuse me, miss? You dropped this. Thank you, and Merry Christmas! What should we get him? A fresh start? Maybe a watch to complete the look. Why are you doing this for me? Everyone deserves a gift at Christmas. It's just to help you get back on your feet. Where are you? I'm at dinner. Your girl is with me now, talking about getting a hotel. That's not what I said! Guess what time it is? Who am I speaking to? I'm Ricardo, the reigning champ of the knockout day. Give me the phone! I made a Christmas mistake and I'm coming home now. Did you see what happened to the gentleman I was with? Yes, he went to get your car from the valet. Happy holidays!

Thanks for calling the White House. How can I help you? Can I speak with Trump? Who's this? This is Justin. Ah, Mr. Blackface. Are you calling to agree to the president's terms? No. And you can tell Trump I'm not agreeing to nothing. This is Trump. What do you want, you maple-loving flannel-wearing… What do you want? I don't agree with your terms. I don't speak stupid. You either agree to my terms right now, or I'm gonna have to come up there, and I'll ring down an ungodly terrorist storm upon you. I'll turn your country into a fucking igloo. I'll ride you like a fucking toboggan. Okay. Okay. I'll do it. And that's how you make Canada great again.

Hi. This is Taco Bell. How can I take your order? Donald cut it out. It's me. You've gotta take down that sombrero meme. It's embarrassing me. Embarrassing? The sombrero makes Hakim look better than ever. Donald, this is serious. Okay. I'll tell you what. I'll take it down if you reopen the government. Look. I need these illegals to have health care so I can keep eating Taco Bell without feeling guilty. There it is. You care more about illegals than you do our own citizens. You're cooking Americans the same way you cook your hamburgers, raw, careless, and making everybody sick. I'm begging you, mister