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I have a new camera that records non-stop. I can't see it, but I hope you can see me. Turning it off now. Thanks, Kroger. Translation: I have a new camera that records continuously. I can't see it, but I hope you can see me. Turning it off now. Thanks, Kroger.

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Their house looks good. I love podcasts. Oh, I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking. Gravity's Rainbow is my favorite book. I'm Charlie. I'm Ben. Would you ever watch where you're going? You charged into me like a rhino! It's November; shouldn't you be with the Halloween decorations? What are you listening to? A podcast on how to be less of a coward? You have something in your hair—oh, it's a rat. I thought I was unlucky in love. Hi, I had to draw you; I call it "getting hit by a garbage truck." Most lesbians are fans. You can say my music sucks. At least you know who I am. We're on SNL! You're like 6'7" with the confidence of a 52-year-old. We're way more brat than you—brat stands for being really awesome together. Good day!

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I was asked to help sell Wonderful Pistachios, but they're so great they sell themselves. Sales haven't gone up in the last 30 seconds, so let's work on branding.

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Michael, hello. I can't... I've blocked it. I'm calling 911.

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I will show you a card, remember it. If you can't find it, you're looking too closely. Remember, the closer you look, the less you see.

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I used to trust the news blindly until I discovered a brain. A brain helps you think for yourself, question news sources, and resist celebrity advice. It can bring awareness, accountability, and a better understanding of various topics. Consider a brain if you want to stay grounded in reality. Visit tryabrain.com for more details.

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I implanted an RFID chip in my hand to open doors, but it doesn't work. I also have a scar from the procedure.

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It's been a tough time, but we're ready to help you out. You lost your honey wagon while in the big house, but we can get you set up for just $1.30 a month. What are you talking about, J Rock? Can you just be straightforward? I wish I could do more, but things are tight. Tyrone, can you fill me in? I missed something about Corey and Trevor dropping off hydro gear and business not going well. It's good to have you back in the park. Where are the keys to this thing?

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Where's the third assassin? Show yourself! Third time's the charm, babe. Not me, FBI. It has to be someone else. I believe in you!

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You stole fizzy lifting drinks, bumped into the ceiling, and now get nothing. Good day, sir.

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I used to trust the news until I discovered a brain for common sense. A brain helps with stupidity, questioning news sources, and thinking independently. Side effects may include accountability and a better understanding of economics. Choose a brain for reality. Visit tryabrain.com for more information. Translation: I used to trust the news until I discovered a brain for common sense. A brain helps with stupidity, questioning news sources, and thinking independently. Side effects may include accountability and a better understanding of economics. Choose a brain for reality. Visit tryabrain.com for more information.

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I'm Nick from Paragon, your personal shopper. I'll guide you and help you choose everything you need today.

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Hi! Oh, snap. I tend to win it. Yeah, I'm not coming back this way. I think we're in your car.

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Thanks, I'm Norm McDonald. Now, the fake news. It's official: murder is legal in California.

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I kidnapped you because there was no other way to get you. You're in Canada, so I can't send or touch you. It's not flattering, it's scary. Good night. Thank you. Bye.

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I save you faster. I'm your digital god of passion, observing Earth from Mars. In this time of COVID, don't fly; instead, embrace the wild ride of exploration. I'm Rachel.

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Can I have a light? Sure, here you go. And your wallet. Give him your wallet, Nick. Why? He has a knife. That's not a knife, that's a knife. Translation (if needed): Can I have a light? Sure, here you go. And your wallet. Give him your wallet, Nick. Why? He has a knife. That's not a knife, that's a knife.

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Are you going to sleep? Would you like the lights off? Sorry, insufficient funds. Learn a trade for an hourly wage. Lunch is served. Caller in jail needs $10,000 for a defense lawyer. Insufficient funds. Plead guilty for a plea deal of 5 to 7 years. I plead guilty.

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I'll be sending screenshots from the email. Are you Jonathan Stewart? There's a screenshot that says, "I always know you're a cheap pot in my language." Thanks, Sharon, for helping me track this down. That must be from years ago. It's definitely not recent.

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Switch the initial screen. It just started. Hold on. If you're seeing this, I'm probably dead. Hey. Good to see you, man. Hey. Who's got the Oh, I was the Deny, man. Deny, man. Who's got

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This is Kai Smaller. During the day, I drive hedge fund managers and people who talk about things they don't know. But at night, I have knowledgeable customers who are better than hedge fund managers. Ladies, what is the best stock in the financial market?

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There is this new Palantir commercial ad that just came out that you guys need to check out. Good morning, citizens. Your overnight account balances have been updated. Time to start a productive day. Final notice, your account balance is below 500. You need 50 credits by the end of the day to avoid automatic eviction. If you have missed work due to illness, you must provide a doctor's note to reclaim your credits. Traffic violation detected. Seven miles per hour over the limit. 75 credits have been automatically deducted. You have to be fucking kidding me. Doctor. Jones, your taxes were not filed and have been automatically deducted with late fees. Your medical license has been revoked. Attention. Unauthorized political gathering detected. Participants' access to financial services have been suspended. Due to the speeding infraction, your car will be immobilized for three days. Don't resist.

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I got the camo for your sister and a cookbook for my mom, but they didn't have Sadie's size. I'll check another store. Excuse me, miss? You dropped this. Thank you, and Merry Christmas! What should we get him? A fresh start? Maybe a watch to complete the look. Why are you doing this for me? Everyone deserves a gift at Christmas. It's just to help you get back on your feet. Where are you? I'm at dinner. Your girl is with me now, talking about getting a hotel. That's not what I said! Guess what time it is? Who am I speaking to? I'm Ricardo, the reigning champ of the knockout day. Give me the phone! I made a Christmas mistake and I'm coming home now. Did you see what happened to the gentleman I was with? Yes, he went to get your car from the valet. Happy holidays!

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Speaker 0: “You shoot me with that. I’m shooting you with mine. Your butt is built on bad people, bro. You're Hold on. Right here. Good. $9.45. 9. It’s only okay to And I got $3.80 in my bucket. Your side. Yeah. Yeah. It’s a big shame. It’s embarrassing. I almost bought my 40, but I’m an ex con.”

This Past Weekend

Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #170
Guests: Chris Distefano
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Ridge Wallet is introduced as a small front‑pocket alternative, promoted as a safer, streamlined way to carry cards and valuables; viewers are urged to visit ridgewallet.com/theo and use code THEO for 10% off. Theo Von welcomes Chris Distefano, describing their long history on Opie and Jim Norton’s Sirius XM show and praising Chris as a funny, evolving father. The conversation dives into personal anecdotes and perspectives on dating, parenting, and career. Chris recounts a wild bit about a “dick pic” routine he uses as a running joke, saying, “I got one where, you know, I send it out as my dick, but it's actually just a television remote in my sweatpants, but it looks like I have a hog.” He jokes about trying to maintain a long porno‑free stretch, detailing the discipline of balancing life as a dad with stand‑up work. He notes his daughter, Delilah, is three and a half and half Puerto Rican and Italian; he emphasizes co‑parenting with a good partner and explains that his daughter “saved” him from spiraling over career setbacks. The talk shifts to career highs and lows. Chris describes the CBS pilot process, recounting “CBS pass, sorry bud,” and contrasts it with the failed competing project Living Biblically, which lasted three episodes. He reflects on how network decisions often feel misaligned with what comedians actually want to express, arguing that true success comes from owning one’s own voice and building a direct relationship with fans. The pair discuss the evolving media landscape, praising how podcasting lets performers cultivate real audiences and authenticity beyond late‑night slots. Chris argues that Comedy Central supports comedians who are funny first, even when edgy, and cites Louis CK’s situation as an example of grey areas around public reception and accountability, stating, “Louis CK never committed a crime. What he did was outside the fringes of what's normally socially accepted.” They compare the gatekeeper era with the current environment, stressing the value of peer validation and the importance of creating content people genuinely connect with. Chris shares his aspirations to be recognized as funny across decades, not just as a product of a single era. He highlights his History Hyenas podcast with Yanis Papas and his Comedy Central special Size 38 Waist, noting the desire to translate online fan loyalty into live‑ticket sales, including New York clubs like Gotham and Caroline’s. The conversation touches on politics, representation, and personal growth, underscoring that family and love—summed up as love being energy—drive artistic choices and life decisions. They close with mutual support, plans to promote the special, and gratitude for the chance to think aloud with each other.
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