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I came back. When I came back in the office, I was shocked to learn that this weekend, the biggest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether Donald Trump had died. For the record, Donald Trump is very much alive. Okay? And no. We like our presidents alive. Donald Trump is very much alive, and this whole crazy rumor started simply because Trump had zero events on his schedule Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. And one of the only signs that he might still be around was music in the rose garden, which the White House confirmed was the president's music, which I gotta say is not the strongest proof of life. Yes, nurse. I do see that flat line, but the patient is clearly alive because his iPhone is playing Papa Loves Mambo.

USA! Great to see you, brother. We took out some trash today. It's good to catch up. How have you been? We had some fun with this.

I'm not on vacation in Europe, even though it may seem that way. I'm actually here working for you all. I have obtained something on this trip that, in the past, could have led to the president's impeachment if posted online. I have evidence that makes it very easy to impeach Joe Biden for criminal activity.

I'm tired of holding back and keeping it clean. What's happening with President Trump is bullshit. Fuck these Democrats. Their actions are disgraceful and disrespectful to our country. They keep indicting him for no reason. All he did was prioritize our nation and expose the truth about these criminals. Their behavior shows guilt. President Trump doesn't deserve this treatment. Hillary Clinton and others deserve it instead. We don't care about these indictments. We will still vote for him, even if he's in jail. He can make this country great again. Leave my president, Donald J. Trump, alone.

Look at those long faces! Are you upset that Trump is back in office, winning in a landslide? He dominated the election, while his opponent barely won a single state—was it American Samoa? Trump’s victory is impressive, and we owe thanks to the press for boosting his numbers every time they spoke. It’s a fantastic night! I even saw Kamala heading to the restroom with some razor blades. I couldn’t be happier. Trump is president again, ready to make America great and clean house. You’re all fired—get out!

I'm calling out Elon Musk and his associate; that guy has clearly never been told no. Yesterday made it clear who's in charge, especially seeing that kid holding press conferences in the Oval Office. And to you bible-beating folks, if you truly believe in Revelations, then we're in the end times, and the Antichrist is here. The problem is, who is it? Is it Elon Musk? Is it Donald Trump? Or is it Barron? And Melania, with that bizarre Christmas decor in the White House, what was that? I was happy, floating around in a pool, but now I'm stuck wondering who the Antichrist is. You bible-thumping folks put us in this mess! So, screw you, and screw your bible.

Well, guys, president Trump just wrapped up his three day trip to The UK, and he Looked incredibly handsome. As always, his tie was Exactly the right length. And his face looked Like a color that exists in nature. And his hair looked Better than Conrad from The Summer I turned pretty. During the trip, protesters managed to project images onto the sides of Windsor Castle of Trump standing next to his good friend, Jeff Goldblum. Even though his administration still insists that he's not in the Goldblum. File, which we all know is absolute bull. True. Anyway, to sum it up, president Trump is nominate him for the Nobel Peace Prize. And you can quote me on that. See? We can still say what we want.

We gathered to celebrate the birth of our Lord, not on Christmas. The leaked emails from John Podesta revealed corruption, law breaking, collusion within the Clinton campaign, and participation in an occult black magic ritual called Spirit cooking. There's also mention of Comet Pizza Stop, a ping pong place owned by friends of the Podesta's. Pizza is a term used by pedophiles to describe pedophilia or child porn. Like the mafia, the world of pedophilia has its own language, reflected in Podesta's emails.

On Christmas Day, the president, senate, and first lady surprised troops in Western Iraq. The soldiers were thrilled and expressed their patriotism. One soldier even said he reenlisted because of the president, to which the president responded that he was there because of them. This message is approved by Donald J. Trump.

My dad called to say Trump was shot, and I said "good" on the phone. He warned me not to say that. I want to apologize to my FBI agent. I don't support guns, but I hope for a positive outcome.

I've seen chatter online, especially from Kash Patel, about the delay in releasing the Epstein files. Well, I'm reporting live from outside the West Wing to show you that the wait is over. We've got the Epstein files right here. Let's make America safe again.

Please welcome the 45th, 46th, and 47th presidents of the United States, Donald J. Trump, to New York for Christmas.

I wish I had a brain to concentrate on my presidential powers and avoid being indicted. I could blame the Russians for my son's addiction and crimes. Inflation is rising, and we weaponized the FBI. I admit to stealing the last election and being a loser. I am a perverted weirdo who takes showers with my daughter. If only I had a brain.

Hey, everyone! I'm at Trump Tower tonight with my patriot friends after listening to President Trump's magnificent speech. But let me tell you, the Democrats really showed their asses tonight. I don't know what's wrong with them but it's incredibly embarrassing. Other countries must be mortified looking at us right now. If you don't like President Trump, fine, but don't embarrass the entire country! What the cane-walking guy did was horrible and I'm glad they escorted him out. I don't know what's wrong with the Democrats, they're dumb. They won't exist in the future after this stunt. We love you, President Trump. We got your back. Don't worry about those stupid Democrats; they've got mental issues and they're just jealous we voted for you!

Let's be real, all of you who believe in the Bible, you must see we're in the end times. The Antichrist is here, but who is it? Is it Elon Musk, Donald Trump, or even Barron? It could be anyone at this point. Remember Melania's bizarre Christmas decorations? This is what we're dealing with. I was happy, floating in a pool, but now I'm back to worrying about who the Antichrist is. And those of you bible thumpers, you put us in this situation. So, fuck you, and fuck your bible.

I don't appreciate what's happening with Trump being locked up. Other presidents may say good things, but do bad things. Trump said bad things, but did some good things. He was one of the best presidents in a long time. He freed Lil Wayne, but locked up Big Trump. I don't appreciate any of this. They're spending $1400 at the White House while doing this.

Speaker 0 acknowledges being called a diva and an icon, but wants to share some information. They reveal that there are closeted Republicans in DC, as well as in the Democrat party. Speaker 0 then sends Hanukkah greetings to another Jewish person.

The president and I wish all Americans a Merry Christmas. Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and spread love to others. We are grateful for our military, police, and law enforcement who keep us safe. We pray for our service members away from home and hope for peace among nations. The Trump family wishes everyone a joyful Christmas and a happy new year.

We need to take action to prevent Donald Trump from regaining power. It's good to see you looking well. Maybe we'll meet at Mar a Lago or in Nashville.

Thank you! It's great to be here. I just recovered from the flu, which got me thinking about who might have given it to me. I suspect it was a shoeless cowboy I sat next to on a flight. On a different note, ladies, you’re struggling in the political arena. Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach—find a balance between professionalism and charm. The election dragged on forever, and it’s hard to believe Trump didn’t win earlier. His resilience is impressive, especially after getting shot and still acting fearless. I recently woke up at 3 AM to Shaquille O'Neal selling printer ink, which was surreal. It’s surprising he’s still working despite his wealth. We have a great show ahead, so stick around!

So, we've got breaking news: Trump's been arrested for *not* being on Epstein's client list, while Bill Clinton wins for most trips to the island. I want to thank my wife and Monica. Jeffrey, this one's for you! Welcome to client list anonymous. My name is Tom Hanks, and I'm on the list. It’s been three weeks, but no one will ever know. I'm Bill, and it's been two days. I was lonely watching Cuties, and boom, a million-dollar hush money payment. Epstein Island? They got my associate, so case closed! I never met Jeffrey, no sexual relations happened on Epstein Island. Don't worry, nobody will ever know. That’s Jeffrey's client list. Trump isn't on it! You'll fry for this. I didn't even know there were clients.

Hey, Roe. Tell Miss Karnes who you are for Halloween. You know, when they targeted my hero and attempted to assassinate the next president, that was the breaking point for me. I declared it was time for Trumpomania to run wild again. Let Trumpomania make America great again.

I have a contact who can confirm what I'm about to say. The person I know has seen him wandering around the White House naked at night, completely out of his mind. He doesn't even know who he is. They have to give him drugs in the morning and at night to control his behavior. Sometimes he's out of it in the morning and then comes back to normal at night. This is a real problem. I can say with certainty that he is on drugs. I personally know someone who witnessed him taking amphetamines during the 2016-2020 election. This is huge.

Hey, Maga. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

Happy President's Day! Today is a significant day in the US. President Donald J. Trump is the best president, and we must vote for him in November. He fights for our country like great presidents before him. Let's support him like we did for George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Trump for Latinos! General Flynn! Let's go!