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I'm Shane Gillis, fired from this show. I should be a high school football coach. My dad coaches girl's basketball. My mom and I used to be best friends until I discovered masturbation. My family includes members with Down syndrome. My niece, who has Down syndrome, is the best in the family. My sister has 3 adopted black kids, a child with Down syndrome, and an Arab husband. We opened a coffee shop for people with Down syndrome. They hate working there. No difference between us and them. 21 Savage is the guest tonight. Thank you.

I really hope there's a reunion. Have you met Jen before? No, I haven't. But I was just hanging out with Lisa and Courtney. They invited me over for pizza, and Judd Apatow was there too. It was pretty cool. I haven't met some of the guys or Jen yet. You should definitely meet Jen!

I just wanted to make some fucking content, bro. I didn't wanna get bad like this. I'm sorry. I didn't wanna make any money make a thing like that. I swear to god, bro, that much of my life, bro.

Their house looks good. I love podcasts. Oh, I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking. Gravity's Rainbow is my favorite book. I'm Charlie. I'm Ben. Would you ever watch where you're going? You charged into me like a rhino! It's November; shouldn't you be with the Halloween decorations? What are you listening to? A podcast on how to be less of a coward? You have something in your hair—oh, it's a rat. I thought I was unlucky in love. Hi, I had to draw you; I call it "getting hit by a garbage truck." Most lesbians are fans. You can say my music sucks. At least you know who I am. We're on SNL! You're like 6'7" with the confidence of a 52-year-old. We're way more brat than you—brat stands for being really awesome together. Good day!

I'm not going to hold back any longer, it's time the truth comes out about certain celebrities. Tom Hanks is a pedophile, and at the top levels of wealth and power, these people are sick and psycho. If more folks went to church, we wouldn't be in this mess we're in now. I agree with you. I like to shake your hand, sir. Maybe I'll start a show for you to come on, and we'll call it White Jeopardy. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way. In the end, he obviously didn't kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. I know he's your friend, but I don't care. You had to make your own way here in your own plane, didn't you?

I get paid to be out here, which is pretty amazing. You get paid to be out here too? I really am getting paid for this. Absolutely, I am definitely getting paid for this.

"Don't read all the things written about me. I wasn't aware that the world thought I was so weird and bizarre. But when you grow up as I did in front of 100,000,000 people since the age of five, you're automatically different. My childhood was completely taken away from me. There was no Christmas. There was no birthdays. It was not a normal childhood. No normal pleasures of childhood. Those were And that's why I love children and learn so much from being around them. I realized that many of our world's problems today from the inner city crime to large scale wars and terrorism and our overcrowded prisons are a result of the fact that children have had their childhood stolen from them. The magic, the wonder, the mystery, and the innocence of a child's heart are the seeds of creativity that will heal the world."

I am perceived as the nicest guy in Hollywood, which means no one suspects me of hiding any secrets in my backyard.

I can't be here often, but Bill has everything under control. This morning, in the oval office, I asked the president if everything was great. I thanked the academy for the honor, which is a dream come true. Being an actor has been my lifelong aspiration since childhood.

As a child, I attended 37 different schools because my parents were in the movie business and running from a cult. This combination could lead to paranoia, according to psychologists.

I could be a dog catcher and was voted for president twice. But someone interrupts, asking to talk about Jeffrey Epstein and the Lolita Express. The conversation gets interrupted again, but the speaker mentions feeling sad about Arkansas.

I can't wait to debate the guy from middle America, if he shows up.

It's incredible how some people either don't think or just want to hate me. Usually, when a famous person faces these accusations, many victims appear. Name anyone, and you'll find hundreds of victims, new lawsuits, and countless stories. But here I am, three and a half years into this, with the most media spin ever, and not a single girl has come forward. Every girl they contact says I'm nice. They like me, even defend me. No one's against me.

I wish I could be here more often, but Will definitely has everything handled. This morning, I went into the Oval Office for our meeting, and I asked the president if everything was alright. Also, I want to thank the Academy for this tremendous honor. This might be the greatest moment of my life. Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be a real actor.

When you turn 16, you can have this. And when you turn 18, you'll get a mansion. You smell great. How old are you? What music do you listen to? I feel violated. Can you say it again? You have nice lips. Can you give me the sex talk? Why are you involving me in this? It's a 15-year-old's dream. I have temporary custody of Usher for the next 48 hours. We're going crazy.

I used to be a wrestler, and I still am. I am feared in every girl's school in this country.

In Hollywood, everyone has experienced inappropriate touching, whether they are aware of it or not.

I get paid to be out here, which is amazing. You get paid to be out here, too? Absolutely. A percent of my income is from this, definitely.

I can't believe you think I'm white. You don't know me. Find this guy for me after the show. I could end this show right now and do something else.

I've met many celebrities, kings, queens, and popes, but I've come to realize that it's all just an illusion. What truly matters is the kind of person you are when no one is watching, how you speak to yourself in private. That's the person I want to get to know.

I am a legend in the world of pornography, having changed laws and paved the way for others. Those who criticize me are losers with no life, lacking intelligence and insight. I don't care about their opinions. I am a genius, and they are limited, vacuous, and pathetic. I will continue to succeed while they remain insignificant.

I get paid to be out here. You get paid to be out here too? Amazing! So some pack. You really are getting paid for this? Absolutely. Oh, definitely. A hundred percent I'm getting paid for this.

A lot of people comment that I wouldn't say the name of a place in Pennsylvania, but that's not true.

I squeak like a chirping grasshopper or a squeaky screen door. I want to be a backup girl. What's wrong with Justin's hair? We need a global movement. Men think we go from oral to anal, but I don't anymore. I think about Lisa and horses. Welcome back. Kader is spelled k h a d r. Omar Connery has more class than the entire cabinet. Thank you.

I was shocked to witness the prevalence of pedophilia in Hollywood. It is a major issue that no one openly discusses. I personally experienced being surrounded by individuals involved in this disturbing practice.