reSee.it Podcast Summary
Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, joins Shawn Ryan to discuss improving intimacy in relationships. Marin emphasizes the common desire for deeper connection and offers practical tools to reignite the spark in long-term partnerships. She addresses a listener's question about setting boundaries and reclaiming sexual health after an abusive marriage, advising reflection on past experiences and open communication about sexual needs and comfort levels in new relationships. Marin normalizes the decline in intimacy that many couples experience, citing physiological factors like the brain's inability to sustain initial high levels of intensity, as well as complacency and life stressors.
The conversation explores reasons for dwindling intimacy, including poor diet, lack of self-care, and letting life's demands take priority. Marin introduces the concept of having sex before events to avoid feeling bloated and uncomfortable, enhancing the overall experience. She highlights the vulnerability of initiating sex and the importance of both partners doing so. Marin introduces the 'initiation styles' model, emphasizing that individuals prefer different approaches to initiating intimacy. Examples include the 'take care of me' style, which values emotional connection first, and the 'play with me' style, which prefers playful and silly initiation. She stresses the importance of verbal communication and separating initiation from the act itself to avoid pressure.
Marin addresses the common question of how much sex couples should be having, clarifying that there's no magic number and enjoyment is key. She reveals that only 9% of women find intercourse the most pleasurable activity, due to the clitoris being the most sensitive area. She advocates for clitoral stimulation during sex and debunks the myth of the G-spot as a distinct entity, explaining it's connected to the clitoris. The discussion transitions to the 'Sex Talks' framework, which includes acknowledgement, connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration. Acknowledgement involves getting comfortable discussing sex positively, while connection focuses on emotional and physical intimacy. Marin highlights the importance of understanding each other's needs for feeling excited about sex, introducing the concepts of spontaneous and responsive desire.
The conversation covers the importance of positive feedback during sex and the 'eye exam game' for discovering preferences. Exploration involves trying new things, starting with revisiting past enjoyable experiences. Marin suggests positions, lingerie, and dirty talk as ways to spice things up, emphasizing that dirty talk should be authentic and comfortable. The discussion shifts to the importance of intentionality in sex, suggesting that couples actively make time for intimacy. Marin recommends prioritizing sex earlier in the evening and experimenting with morning sex. She introduces the concept of earning screen time by being intimate first. She defines great sex as confident, connected, and orgasmic, and highlights the importance of body positivity and open communication.
Marin and Ryan discuss the ideal duration of intercourse, with women preferring 5-7 minutes. Marin recommends the cowgirl position as the easiest for women to orgasm. She addresses the concept of scheduled sex, reframing it as intentional intimacy and a way to prioritize the relationship. Marin introduces the 'get intimate' technique, which includes gratitude, eye contact, and touch, as a way to combat feeling like roommates. She also shares three things women wish men knew about sex: to slow down, be gentle, and not stop doing what works. Marin emphasizes the importance of communication and warns against the dangers of AI girlfriends, highlighting the need to prioritize human connection. She concludes by encouraging couples to use practical tools and techniques to recreate the spark in their relationships.