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I want to address what happened on the show tonight. Ryan was asked to leave, and we stated he is not welcome back. A line was crossed. However, we did not ask Mehdi to leave; in fact, we wanted him to finish the show and hope he returns soon. For those wondering why he didn’t come back, it was not because we didn’t want him. I just wanted to clarify that point.

The speaker greets a large crowd in California and asks if they are ready for change. The speaker states they are honored to be there.

Thank you! It feels a bit strange to be back here hosting, especially since I used to do the weekend update. A year and a half ago, I had a disagreement with NBC and was fired for not being funny. Normally, that would lead to a lawsuit, but since it’s a comedy show, they had the upper hand. Now, just a year and a half later, they’ve invited me back to host. I wondered how I went from being deemed not funny to hosting. It hit me that I haven’t gotten funnier; the show has just gotten worse. So, to recap: I'm still not funny, but the show is even worse. We have a bad show for you tonight with Doctor Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Eminem.

Come on, let's get started. I’m frustrated with the situation. Fool me once, shame on you. Now, let’s bring Kamala in here.

Live from Green Acre, the speaker enthusiastically greets the audience.

Speaker 0 greets Mega and asks, 'Hey, Mega. How bad does it hurt?' The speaker notes, 'The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.'

We're live in Washington, D.C., where Democrats are protesting the Department of Government Efficiency. More on that shortly. Please stay tuned.

Hello, this is LFT, coming to you live from the car. Everything is okay and fine. No problems and no more explosions.

I wish I could talk to someone like me—a black South Asian woman running for president from the Bay Area. It's great to see you, Kamala. Remember, you can open doors in ways your opponent can't. The American people want to end the chaos and enjoy a more relaxed atmosphere, maybe even with a fun twist on popular culture. We share a belief in the promise of America. Let's bring it in for a moment. I’m voting for us! Are you registered in Pennsylvania? Unfortunately, no. It was worth a try. And live from New York is Stephanie Jones.

Speaker 0 calls it the Schumer shutdown, the Schumer Siesta, saying "he put the government on Siesta, crying Chuck." He taunts "El Hakimou Hefei Jeffries," noting "we used to call him Dallas or Obama till we realized, he's worth far less than a dollar." He claims "they put the government on Siesta to give illegal aliens your health care" and asserts, "We're not gonna let it happen. It's no bueno." When asked to "please give illegal aliens the health care," he replies, "We're not gonna do it. We're never gonna do it." He mocks concerns about "big, beautiful sombreros," declaring "these are the greatest sombreros the world has ever seen." He promises to "end the siesta. We're gonna reopen the government, and we will not give in to the demands of Chuck and El Jefe." He closes with "Diolo Bendiga, and god bless America."

Speaker 0 acknowledges being called a diva and an icon, but wants to share some information. They reveal that there are closeted Republicans in DC, as well as in the Democrat party. Speaker 0 then sends Hanukkah greetings to another Jewish person.

Calvin greets the speaker and they exchange pleasantries. The speaker admits to embarrassing Mika Brzezinski on a previous show by complimenting her beauty. They clarify that they watch the show for her looks, not her politics. The speaker acknowledges that Mika has become successful and powerful. They playfully interact with someone off-camera, discussing hair and hair spray. The speaker mentions that they are not supposed to use hair spray due to its impact on the ozone layer. They jokingly suggest taking away Al Gore's Nobel prizes.

Thanks, I'm Norm McDonald. Now, the fake news. It's official: murder is legal in California.

Speaker 0: Hey, glad to see you guys. You're patriots. Look at this guy, covered in blood. Are you okay? Need medical attention? I'm good, thanks. I got shot in the face with a plastic bullet. Can you leave the senate wing? We will. I'm making sure they respect the place. This is sacred. That's it.

Speaker 0: Hey, Mega. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

Mike is a truth teller and always shares information with viewers. He recently spoke with Nino or Juan and has invited them to tomorrow's show to discuss last week's conversation. It's unclear if they will be present as I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet.

I just finished a show, and you won't believe the room they put me in. It's like Biden's Oval Office in here! I think I've finally figured out why I'm in this room. Let me show you. See that screen right there? It's a teleprompter right in front of my face. All I can say is, the last administration was something else.

The vice president reconvenes the situation room and apologizes for the interruption. He expresses his desire to be with the person he is speaking to instead of being in Minnesota. He mentions meeting with the general prosecutor the previous day.

Thank you! It's great to be here. I just recovered from the flu, which got me thinking about who might have given it to me. I suspect it was a shoeless cowboy I sat next to on a flight. On a different note, ladies, you’re struggling in the political arena. Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach—find a balance between professionalism and charm. The election dragged on forever, and it’s hard to believe Trump didn’t win earlier. His resilience is impressive, especially after getting shot and still acting fearless. I recently woke up at 3 AM to Shaquille O'Neal selling printer ink, which was surreal. It’s surprising he’s still working despite his wealth. We have a great show ahead, so stick around!

The speaker asks the senator if they heard the question about running for reelection in 2026. The speaker apologizes and asks if anyone else has a question.

The speaker congratulates someone on running, then expresses dissatisfaction with their hair as seen on camera. The speaker asks to leave the stage for five minutes to retone their hair, addressing someone as "mister future senator" and mentioning David.

Speaker 0: Hey, glad to see you all. You guys are patriots. Look at this guy, covered in blood. Sir, do you need medical attention? I'm good, thank you. Don, I got shot in the face with a plastic bullet. Can you guys leave the senate wing? We will. I've been disrespecting the plugs. Just wanted to let you know.

Hey, Maga. How bad does it hurt? The Jimmy Kimmel's back, but you guys can't get your person back.

Well, folks, it's been quite a weekend. I received a call from the president, and after speaking with the attorney general and FBI Director Patel, I've been offered the role of deputy director at the FBI. It's an honor, and I've accepted the position. This means I'll be stepping away from the show, which is a lot to walk away from, but I'll share what I can about the situation. I'll also discuss the future of the show today. I'm going to play a speech I gave eleven years ago so you can understand why I made this decision. I hope you, the Bongino army, understand that I couldn't disclose this information earlier out of respect for the president, the attorney general, and the FBI director. Thank you for your support.

The speaker proposes bringing someone up for a couple of minutes. The speaker states that the world will see a vibrant Republican.