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At 29 years old, I walked into the Senate chamber and got arrested. It happened on a Saturday when I was visiting friends at Georgetown University. I was fascinated by the Senate and decided to check it out. There were no guards stopping me, so I walked in and found myself in the chamber. I even sat in the presiding officer's seat. But then a guy grabbed me and said I was under arrest.

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A woman was shopping at a furniture store when she made eye contact with a man. While she was looking at couches, he sat on one in front of her and asked how she thought it would look in their place, calling her "babe." She laughed, and they exchanged numbers. They have been dating for three months.

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I broke up with the guy I was dating because of an incident that happened while I was using the toilet at his house. I asked him for toilet paper, but he refused, saying that the bathroom was out of toilet paper. I explained that I couldn't go downstairs to get it myself and asked him to do it for me, but he still refused. He even suggested using a towel to wipe if I had only peed, which I found unacceptable. He ignored me and played with his phone while I pleaded for help. Eventually, he reluctantly went downstairs and threw the toilet paper at me. It was a really upsetting experience for me.

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I went on a date in the artsy part of LA and had a different experience. Usually, there's a negotiation about who pays, but this time I went out with a stereotypical "guy's guy" from Santa Monica who insisted on paying for everything. It triggered something in me, and when he went to the bathroom, he handed me his credit card and told me to get whatever I wanted. It made me think about getting away from the liberal mindset of the east side.

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I went out with my protector who claimed to be my adopted godson and helped confiscate property from Jews. It may sound like a traumatic experience, but it didn't bother me at all, even as a child. I didn't feel any guilt.

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I found out I was adopted at 5. A brother contacted me recently. I went to boarding school for trying to buy alcohol. My parents loved me. I feel guilty for not doing them justice. It took me 5 days to tell my mom my dad died. She looked out the window for 2 years and never spoke. She died 2 years later.

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I only knew Jeffrey Epstein for five days during a trip to Zoro Ranch, his massive compound surrounded by government land in the New Mexico Desert. Epstein took my sexual innocence in front of a wall of famed of framed photographs of him shaking hands and smiling with celebrities and political leaders. After, he wanted to talk with me about what had just been my first sexual experience and directed me to take time to myself that night to cry. I told him that I wanted to go to college to study biochemistry. He said that he wanted to give me money for college. He asked me how much money I thought he should give me. At 15 years old, living in Northern Michigan with my mother, stepfather, and grandfather, I had no idea how to respond to a billionaire who had just raped me.

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My daughter almost got kidnapped today. We saw a suspicious black van at Ross's. After shopping, the van disappeared, and an older lady asked my daughter for help finding her debit card. My instincts kicked in, and I intervened. The lady started speaking a different language, and the black van reappeared. It was a scary situation.

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I joined the army to make my grandma proud, but I ended up smuggling two people for quick cash. I drove to a hotel to pick them up, armed only with pepper spray and a knife. I brought snacks to avoid trouble. The sheriff gave me a pocket bible, which made me reflect on my actions. I realized I should earn money honestly and help my family the right way. My faith in God has grown, and I see this experience as a message to change my ways.

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The speaker met a popular 23-year-old man in Italy. She recalls crying there. After about a month, the man told her she would be the mother of his children. Around the same time, he also told her he was going to shape her into the kind of woman he wanted. The speaker, who was 17, remembers thinking to herself, "That's what you think." She was fascinated by his beautiful speech and marvelous vocabulary, which he used to encourage her rather than make her feel inferior, prompting her to consult a dictionary.

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At 15 years old, I met Oprah Winfrey for the first time. I was taken to a house where she gave me a pill and we kissed. She told me to have sex with someone who moves money. I was high by the time I got to him. She complimented my smile and asked me to call her Auntie. Another girl from my school, Carter High School, was there too, but she was sent to a different room.

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A clean-cut young man picked up something the speaker dropped. He smiled, and because he was polite and young, she agreed when he asked to walk her home. That was how she met Lee Harvey Oswald for the first time. Oswald then said that if he stayed with her, there would be one less bullet fired at Kennedy. The speaker said her heart turned over because she thought it was a courageous thing to say.

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Nothing is by mistake. Nothing. I will never forget the time I was in Israel with my mother on a pilgrimage. I stood in the ticket line and saw a guy who looked very familiar in the snake of the ticket line. I told my mom, this guy looks so familiar. And as a typical mother, she said, go and say hi. No. We were late for our flight and I'm not going to come off like a crazy person with a that's just weird. That ended up being Charlie. Nothing is by coincidence. Now did I did we know that that no. Not until we were like three months into our relationship and looking at time stamps seeing that both of us were in Israel at the same time. But nothing is by coincidence.

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I went out with my protector who claimed to be my adopted godson and helped confiscate property from Jews. It may sound like a traumatizing experience, but it didn't bother me at all, even as a child. I didn't feel any guilt.

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I was set up on a blind date by my best friend, who insisted I go out with this guy without Googling him. She can be very bossy, as best friends often are. Despite her request, I ended up Googling him anyway.

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I got kicked out of a gender reveal party for joking about the baby's gender not sticking in 10 years. Grandma got upset and left. I bought them a pride onesie from Target.

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I surprised Diane with a dress and a $50 Visa gift card because she mentioned needing clothes for church. She was grateful and thanked me. I also gave her a gift receipt in case she didn't like the dress. She appreciated the gesture, especially since she had been having a rough day.

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I'm from Israel and had a tough past, including jail. I sold drugs and trafficked Russian women while in the IDF. I got kicked out, but stopped trafficking. The other person was shocked by my actions.

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The speaker recounts having her purse stolen at a restaurant. The thief was wearing a COVID mask. The purse was sitting by her feet when the thief hooked it with his foot, dragged it a few steps, covered it with a coat, and took it. The speaker felt the movement but thought it was her grandkids kicking her legs. She did not get the purse back. She believes the theft was professionally done.

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A man in a suit got into my pickup truck and asked about my age and birth month. He showed me a dagger he carries for evil spirits. He asked to be dropped off at a village in Africa. When he left the car, his demeanor changed, and he blessed me, saying, "May God bless you many times this day." I didn't think much of it at the time.

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I called child services on someone because I was angry at them. I fabricated a story and exaggerated things to make it seem like their kids were being abused. Child services visited them and said they could lose their kids. I thought they deserved it for not being nice to me.

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I proposed to my girlfriend Candy in public, and she said yes. Her engagement ring is a rubber band on my butthole. We joked about it going viral. In Vegas, we joked about getting better service if we mentioned diarrhea. We met a friendly person named Kevin. I love Candy's femininity and how she wears high heels. We had a good time and joked about getting better service with a high five. Thanked Kevin for his kindness.

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I did some bad things to kids, and if anyone finds out, I'm in big trouble. I'm currently stationed in Hawaii. I remember this one time, Eddie was 15, and I brought him into a bar with a mask. We all hooked up with him. I was also raped by my brother when I was seven and he was 20. I think that had a lot to do with me being gay. I was told I wanted every man I could get because I wanted to get back at someone. The youngest guy I ever got with was 12, but I won't tell you how old I was because I would go to jail.

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I called child services on someone because I was angry at them. I made up a story and exaggerated things to make it seem like their kids were being abused. Child services visited them and said they could lose their kids. I thought they deserved it for not being nice to me.

Armchair Expert

Armchair Anonymous: Valentine's Day Disaster | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

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In this Valentine's Day Disaster episode of Armchair Anonymous, hosts Dax Shepard and Monica discuss memorable and chaotic Valentine's Day experiences. They reminisce about a scary woman named Liz from a Dateline episode, which has become an inside joke among friends. The first guest, Emma from New Zealand, shares her disastrous Valentine's Day in 2009. At 16, she planned to lose her virginity with her boyfriend, Lucas, after a party. However, after consuming strong alcoholic drinks, she ended up peeing in a bush, only to discover she had squatted on a wasp's nest, resulting in multiple stings and a hospital visit. Next, Jackson from Gainesville, Florida, recounts a Valentine's Day incident where a fire alarm was pulled in his apartment complex. After the fire department cleared the building, a woman with a self-kindled fire outside his door accused him of harboring someone. In a bizarre turn, she assaulted him with a glass pane, leading to a hospital visit for stitches. Alicia from Virginia shares a story about her boyfriend recycling romantic texts from an ex-girlfriend, which she discovered while on his computer. Despite the betrayal, they eventually worked through their issues and are now happily together. Lastly, Amanda from San Diego recounts a scary experience in 2016 when she bled profusely after eating red velvet cupcakes. A trip to urgent care revealed it was just a stomach bug, leading to an awkward doctor visit. The episode concludes with laughter and camaraderie, celebrating the chaos of Valentine's Day.