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Thank you! It feels a bit strange to be back here hosting, especially since I used to do the weekend update. A year and a half ago, I had a disagreement with NBC and was fired for not being funny. Normally, that would lead to a lawsuit, but since it’s a comedy show, they had the upper hand. Now, just a year and a half later, they’ve invited me back to host. I wondered how I went from being deemed not funny to hosting. It hit me that I haven’t gotten funnier; the show has just gotten worse. So, to recap: I'm still not funny, but the show is even worse. We have a bad show for you tonight with Doctor Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Eminem.

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Here I come! Who's number one on the invitation list? Leonardo DiCaprio! That's why I'm voting for Kamala Harris. Got it? Oh, wow!

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Here we are with the most important TV and film execs in the world, and you're all terrified of Ronan Farrow. It was a big year for pedophile movies like Surviving R Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. But nobody cares about movies anymore. Everyone's watching Netflix. I could just say, "Well done, Netflix. You win. Good night." This show is so long, you could binge watch the entire first season of afterlife instead. That's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies and it's still more fun than this. He didn't kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. If you win an award tonight, don't make a political speech. You're in no position to lecture the public. You know nothing about the real world. Accept your award, thank your agent and your god, and get off the stage.

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I want to thank Harvey Weinstein for organizing this incredible day. He is an amazing person, a great friend, and a force to be reckoned with. The fact that he and his team made this happen for all of you speaks volumes. We are all here because of you.

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Look at those long faces! Are you upset that Trump is back in office, winning in a landslide? He dominated the election, while his opponent barely won a single state—was it American Samoa? Trump’s victory is impressive, and we owe thanks to the press for boosting his numbers every time they spoke. It’s a fantastic night! I even saw Kamala heading to the restroom with some razor blades. I couldn’t be happier. Trump is president again, ready to make America great and clean house. You’re all fired—get out!

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Harvey Weinstein organized this amazing day, and we should thank him for that. He is a wonderful human being, a good friend, and a powerhouse. His team made this happen for all of you, which says something about you, not about me or this place.

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I'm excited to host the 6th annual ESPY Awards! I took a cab here, and my driver couldn't speak English, which made for an interesting ride. It's great to be at ESPN, where you can see unique sports like kickboxing. Congratulations to the Denver Broncos for winning the Super Bowl, and good luck to the Nuggets this season. The NBA All-Star weekend was thrilling, especially with Kobe Bryant's impressive performance. Michael Jordan might retire, which is big news for golf fans. The Winter Olympics are underway, and I can't wait to see the events. Tiger Woods is nominated for golfer of the year, and Boomer will replace Frank Gifford on Monday Night Football. Lastly, congratulations to Charles Woodson for winning the Heisman Trophy as the first defensive player. Let's get started with the awards!

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I want to mention that it's always fun when you come up and the teleprompter isn't working, but that's okay. I have some notes with me. Remember, everything that is broken today can be fixed, and every failure can be turned into a great success.

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Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes, joking it was his last time so he doesn't care anymore. He noted Kevin Hart was fired for offensive tweets, but the Hollywood Foreign Press barely speaks English or knows Twitter. He joked about Felicity Huffman's license plates and sympathized with her daughter. He pointed out celebrities like Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Joe Pesci, and warned everyone is terrified of Ronan Farrow. Gervais mentioned "pedophile movies" and the HFPA being racist, leading to a lack of diversity in the In Memoriam segment. He said nobody cares about movies anymore, everyone watches Netflix, and the show should just give Netflix all the awards. He compared the show to his series "Afterlife," and joked about Jeffrey Epstein. He mocked Hollywood's reliance on remakes, sequels, and superhero movies, and referenced Martin Scorsese's comments about Marvel. He joked about Leonardo DiCaprio's dates being too young and James Corden's role in Cats. He criticized Apple for making a show about dignity while running sweatshops. He told winners not to make political speeches, accept their award, thank their agent and God, and "fuck off." He made jokes about the presenters and the vegetarian meal. He ended by telling everyone to donate to Australia, get drunk, and take drugs.

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So, Hollywood might actually be dying after this. A film called Emilia Perez is nominated for 13 Oscars and it's not a joke. It has nominations for things like mammoplasty, vaginoplasty, and controlled laryngoplasty, also known as Adam's apple reduction. I wonder if the subject matter wasn't so controversial if it would still be nominated for this many awards if the quality of the film was all the same. I think there's a desire to reward progressive stories, but films for faith-based audiences never get lauded in Hollywood because they can't really celebrate that type of messaging.

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In this room are influential TV and film executives, all seemingly intimidated by Ronan Farrow. It's been a significant year for controversial films, but honestly, no one cares about traditional cinema anymore; everyone is streaming on Netflix. This show could simply acknowledge Netflix's dominance and end there, but instead, we stretch it out unnecessarily. Even a dark comedy about grief is more enjoyable than this event. If you win an award tonight, please refrain from making political speeches. Most of you have less real-world experience than Greta Thunberg. Just come up, accept your award, thank your agent, and leave.

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to join Saturday Night Live after the election but eventually agreed. Shortly after, devastating fires hit LA, affecting many friends and communities. While some speculate about the causes, it’s clear that multiple factors contributed to the disaster. I reflected on the challenges of fame and the misconceptions surrounding immigrant communities in Ohio, where I supported local Haitian restaurants. As I navigate the complexities of celebrity life, I can't help but notice the absurdities around me, including the troubles of friends like Puffy. With Donald Trump returning as president, I urge him to remember the weight of his responsibilities. Regardless of opinions, empathy for all, especially for those displaced, is crucial. Thank you, and good night.

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In this room are top TV and film executives who are all afraid of Ronan Farrow. The speaker mocks pedophile movies and criticizes the decline of cinema and traditional TV. They praise Netflix and suggest that the show should be shorter. The speaker jokes about a TV show called Afterlife and mentions that Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. They advise award winners not to make political speeches and belittle their knowledge of the real world. The speaker concludes by urging winners to accept their awards and leave.

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Welcome to the 77th Annual Golden Globe Awards, hosted by Ricky Gervais. Gervais jokes about not caring anymore and mocks the Hollywood Foreign Press for offering him the gig by fax. He pokes fun at celebrities, including Felicity Huffman and her daughter, and mentions Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Joe Pesci. Gervais mentions the lack of diversity in major categories and criticizes the Hollywood Foreign Press for being racist. He jokes about pedophile movies and mocks the lack of diversity in the list of people who died for the in memoriam segment. Gervais comments on the decline of movies and the rise of Netflix. He makes controversial remarks about Jeffrey Epstein and criticizes the quality of films, particularly sequels and remakes. Gervais mentions Martin Scorsese's comments about Marvel movies and jokes about Leonardo DiCaprio's dating preferences. He mocks James Corden's role in "Cats" and makes a joke about Dame Judi Dench. Gervais criticizes Apple for their hypocrisy and urges winners not to make political speeches. He concludes by introducing the first award.

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I heard someone could win some money here, and I know exactly who that is. The church lady! That is the church lady. $400 for you! Speaking of church, if more folks went to church, we wouldn't be in this mess we're in now. I agree with you! No, no, no, no. It's just a history. Maybe I'll start a show for you to come on, and we'll call it White Jeopardy. No, we don't need it! Let's slow it down a little bit. We're gonna take a break. When we return to Black Jeopardy, we will see if anyone has watched any of this year's Oscar movies.

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Thank you! It's great to be here. I just recovered from the flu, which got me thinking about who might have given it to me. I suspect it was a shoeless cowboy I sat next to on a flight. On a different note, ladies, you’re struggling in the political arena. Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach—find a balance between professionalism and charm. The election dragged on forever, and it’s hard to believe Trump didn’t win earlier. His resilience is impressive, especially after getting shot and still acting fearless. I recently woke up at 3 AM to Shaquille O'Neal selling printer ink, which was surreal. It’s surprising he’s still working despite his wealth. We have a great show ahead, so stick around!

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I'm a bit nervous, but this moment is important to me. I need patience here. How's everyone doing tonight? Are we ready to make history and change the next eight years? Let's ensure Kamala Harris is in office for eight years. Thank you.

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Speaker 0 thanks the dark lords for giving an award and allowing someone to feast on flesh. Speaker 1 welcomes everyone to the satanic cult awards, praising the dark lord. Speaker 1 criticizes reading the prompter, claiming it warps minds and weakens allies. They are there to honor achievement in a category and present a golden idol to worship.

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Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to host Saturday Night Live after the election, but eventually agreed. Shortly after, wildfires devastated LA, affecting many friends and families. The fires were the most expensive natural disaster in U.S. history, and while some blamed arsonists, it was a combination of factors, including extreme winds. I also reflected on the challenges of fame, sharing a humorous take on celebrity culture and my support for the Haitian community in Ohio. As we navigate life, we should evolve and learn from our mistakes. With Donald Trump returning as president, I expressed hope for better leadership and empathy, especially for displaced individuals worldwide. Thank you, and good night.

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I want to thank Harvey Weinstein for organizing this incredible day. He is a remarkable person and a great friend. The fact that he and his team made this happen for all of you speaks volumes about you, not me or this place. We are here because of you. Let's get started.

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It's Christmas, and we have a tradition of sharing jokes live on air that we haven't seen before. I’m concerned about reading potentially offensive jokes, so I’ll try to navigate that carefully. The first joke touches on Kamala Harris's support for reparations, humorously suggesting that white people deserve their money back for runaway slaves. Another joke discusses how women are more likely to orgasm when in tune with their bodies. There’s a playful jab at Scarlett Johansson for her 40th birthday and a joke about having a child together. The segment continues with various humorous remarks, including a joke about Costco removing roast beef sandwiches. In closing, we wish everyone a good night.

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Thank you, everyone! It's the big SNOW Christmas show, and I can't believe the holidays are here. I'm grateful to Lorne Michaels for hosting tonight. This is my fifth time hosting, and I’m excited to join the five-timers club. The holidays can be stressful, but I have a solution! Gather around, everyone. Christmas can feel overwhelming, but we can lighten the mood. Let’s sing about needing a new prescription to cope with holiday stress. It’s all about finding joy and managing anxiety. So, remember, take care of yourselves, and don’t forget to ask for help if you need it. We have a great show tonight, so stick around!

The Rubin Report

Listen to the Globes Audience Squirm as Jim Gaffigan Humiliates Elites
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The discussion centers on the concept of privilege, particularly white privilege, and critiques the self-righteousness of Hollywood elites who lecture the public while benefiting from the very systems they criticize. Dave Rubin highlights a video where individuals express guilt over their privilege, which he dismisses as a typical display of "guilty white people." The show features clips from the Golden Globes, including Jim Gaffigan's and Ricky Gervais's comedic critiques of Hollywood's hypocrisy. Gervais's remarks about the industry's moral authority resonate, especially given the lack of political speeches at the recent Golden Globes, suggesting a shift away from overt political correctness. Rubin emphasizes the disconnect between Hollywood's elite and the realities faced by average Americans, particularly regarding immigration and societal issues. He critiques politicians like AOC and Eric Adams for their contradictory stances on immigration, pointing out the chaos in sanctuary cities. The conversation also touches on the decline of traditional media and the rise of alternative platforms where people are increasingly rejecting the narratives pushed by Hollywood and political elites. Rubin concludes with a call for individuals to take personal responsibility and seek truth, rather than relying on government or celebrity figures for guidance.

The Megyn Kelly Show

Biden's Classified Docs, Free Speech Crackdowns, and Woke Golden Globes, w/ the Fifth Column Hosts
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Megyn Kelly opens the show discussing the discovery of classified documents from Joe Biden's vice presidency found in a private office in D.C., which the Biden team was aware of since before the midterms but only disclosed recently. She compares this situation to Donald Trump's handling of classified documents, arguing that both cases highlight a double standard in how classified material is treated based on political affiliation. The discussion includes insights from guests Michael Moynihan, Matt Welsh, and Camille Foster, who emphasize the partisanship surrounding these controversies and the need for consistency in handling classified documents. The conversation shifts to the implications of over-classification in the U.S. and the potential for investigations into Biden's documents, drawing parallels to the Trump case. They note that Biden, unlike Trump, cannot declassify documents as a vice president, raising questions about the legality of the documents found. The hosts express skepticism about the Biden team's transparency and speculate on whether the discovery would have been reported had it not been for the Trump situation. The discussion then moves to the broader implications of academic freedom and free speech, particularly in light of a professor at Hamline University who was fired for showing an image of the Prophet Muhammad in an art history class. The professor provided ample warnings to students, yet faced backlash from a single student who claimed to feel disrespected. The hosts critique the university's decision to fire the professor, arguing it reflects a troubling trend of capitulating to a vocal minority and stifling academic discourse. They also touch on the rise of DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) initiatives in universities, which they argue can lead to a culture of self-censorship and fear among students and faculty. The conversation highlights the importance of maintaining free speech and the dangers of allowing a small group to dictate what can be taught or discussed in educational settings. Finally, the hosts discuss the upcoming Golden Globes, noting the shift towards more woke and politically correct programming in Hollywood. They express skepticism about the effectiveness of these changes and the potential impact on viewership, while also reflecting on the broader cultural implications of these trends in entertainment and society.

The Megyn Kelly Show

Prince Harry Blames the Press, and Golden Globes Cultural Rehab, with Dan Wootton and Andrew Klavan
Guests: Dan Wootton, Andrew Klavan
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Megyn Kelly opens the show discussing her love for Wednesdays due to school delays, then transitions to current events, including Prince Harry's memoir and the recent Golden Globes. She notes the Globes' low ratings and the controversy surrounding the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's diversity issues. Andrew Klavan joins her to analyze the Globes, highlighting Gerard Carmichael's opening monologue that addressed the organization's past racism and the hiring of a Black host as a means of rehabilitation. They discuss the implications of Hollywood's wokeness on storytelling and box office performance, with Klavan criticizing the industry's focus on identity politics over quality narratives. He argues that Hollywood's attempts to address diversity have led to a decline in storytelling quality and audience engagement. The conversation shifts to the Supreme Court's upcoming decision on affirmative action in college admissions, with Kelly and Klavan expressing concerns about the impact of race-based policies on students' success and the potential for discrimination against Asian applicants. They emphasize the importance of meritocracy in education. Kelly and Klavan also touch on the cultural appropriation debate, particularly regarding Gwen Stefani's comments about her admiration for Japanese culture, which some critics labeled as offensive. Klavan defends cultural appropriation as a positive aspect of American society, arguing that it fosters appreciation and sharing among diverse cultures. The discussion then moves to Ellen DeGeneres's comments on climate change and natural disasters, with Klavan referencing data that contradicts the narrative of increasing climate-related disasters. They criticize the media's tendency to sensationalize climate issues while ignoring positive trends in disaster management. Finally, they address the FAA's recent grounding of flights due to a computer malfunction, attributing the failure to Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg's oversight. Kelly and Klavan conclude by discussing the media's double standards in covering political figures, particularly in relation to the recent classified documents found in President Biden's possession compared to former President Trump's situation. They express frustration with the media's bias and the implications for public trust.
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