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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Satan Teaches Everything On Masterclass https://t.co/od7fhtfKY1
Video Transcript AI Summary
“Did God really say that? Maybe not.” In a provocative opening, Satan introduces himself and claims a storied influence: “I’ve advised kings, religious leaders, multi platinum recording artists, and I’ve made countless millions rich, powerful, and happy. I even helped build a huge tower that almost touched the sky until some jerk came along and confused all the languages.”
He then pivots to offering a MasterClass that teaches how to love yourself, follow your heart, and find your own truth. The program promises instruction across a wide range of topics, presenting politics as “your only hope,” and covering marriage, parenting, religion, and success. The goal, as stated, is to help you live your best life now and to be free of all the things that hold you back.
Satan outlines the course’s worldview in bold, contradictory terms. He asserts that “Everything you need to live your best life now” and that “Everything you need to be free of all the things that hold you back.” He summarizes the curriculum with a singular, rebellious rule: “There is one rule in my class, and that rule is this. There are no rules. There are no standards. There is no target. There is no truth.” He urges, “Listen to me. Learn from me. You can be like God.”
Throughout the pitch, he touches on major life domains with provocative claims. In politics, he declares it to be “your only hope.” In marriage, he claims the main purpose is to make you happy. In parenting, he states “Children are born good.” In religion, he proclaims that “All religions are equally valid.” In success, he emphasizes a one-shot, “You only live once.”
The address culminates with a personal declaration of identity and mission: “I’m Satan, and this is my MasterClass.” The overall message is a calculated invitation to embrace a self-determinate, rule-free path across love, truth, and life choices, framed by Satan’s countercultural authority and his claim of guiding you toward a god-like state.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Did God really say that? Maybe not. Hi. I'm Satan, and I've advised kings, religious leaders, multi platinum recording artists, and I've made countless millions rich, powerful, and happy. I even helped build a huge tower that almost touched the sky until some jerk came along and confused all the languages.
That was frustrating. But I've never done anything like this until now. I'll teach you how to love yourself. I'll teach you how to follow your heart. I'll teach you how to find your own truth.
You'll learn everything you need to know about politics. Politics is your only hope. Marriage. The main main purpose of marriage is to make you happy. Parenting.
Children are born good. Religion. All religions are equally valid. And success. You only live once.
Everything you need to live your best life now. Everything you need to be free of all the things that hold you back. I have one rule in my class, and that rule is this. There are no rules. There are no standards.
There is no target. There is no truth. Listen to me. Learn from me. You can be like God.
I'm Satan, and this is my MasterClass.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
FBI Busts FBI Terror Plot https://t.co/w2KdEFHLxD
Video Transcript AI Summary
Speaker 1 states: 'The plan is simple. We break into the Capitol Building, we infiltrate the government, and we kidnap the speaker of the house.' And this is Garth Henderson speaking. 'Right. It's over. For all of you, double double cross. A whole lot of foolishness. I trusted you and I trusted you.' 'I knew that voice. Steve. Steve Crenshaw. You got me. I was wondering why I hadn't seen you around the office lately.' They recall past plots: 'Hank, you and I, we plotted to kidnap the governor of Michigan together.' 'That's Todd. That's Todd.' The twist lands: 'We were all FBI agents the whole time.' The scene closes with: 'So what do you wanna do with all this stuff then? Well, we did put a lot of work into that plot. Shame to waste it.'
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Alright. Enough talk. It's time to take action. Garth, repeat the plan.
Speaker 1: The plan is simple.
Speaker 0: Repeat the plan, emphasizing the most illegal parts, speaking audibly loud enough for
Speaker 2: say like a tiny microphone to hear, and also state your full name.
Speaker 1: Oh, okay. The plan is simple. We break into the
Speaker 3: Capitol Building, we infiltrate the government, and we kidnap the speaker of the house. And this is Garth Henderson speaking.
Speaker 0: Right. It's over. For all of you, double double cross. A whole lot of foolishness. I trusted you and I trusted you.
I
Speaker 4: don't like this. You
Speaker 0: FBI scum, you're all scum, you'll never take us alive. We're the
Speaker 5: true patriots standing up for liberty and stuff. Wait just one minute.
Speaker 0: I knew that voice. Steve. Steve Crenshaw. You got me. I was wondering why I hadn't seen you around the office lately.
Yeah. I've been working undercover. Is old Todd Watts' nut still roaming around the DC office? Unfortunately. You know that cheese bag did?
He ate my fettuccine right over the Tupperware. He did what? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a mine,
Speaker 4: he said.
Speaker 0: That's true, Todd. Where's your Tupperware full of chine? I miss that guy. Alright. We're all FBI agents if that hasn't been obvious.
Alright. FBI.
Speaker 1: Come on, brother. Give it up. You're outnumbered. Let's not go out with a bang.
Speaker 4: Oh, we're all going out with a big bang. I'd sooner blow this place sky high than give into the feds. You all make me sick. I trusted you. Hank, you and I, we plotted to kidnap the governor of Michigan together.
Garth, I taught you how to make a pipe bomb. Steve, you came to my daughter's ballet recital. She was beautiful. And Bob, I thought building that Lego set together meant something. It meant something to me.
I'm sickened that I ever trusted any of you. Now maybe you will take me in, or maybe I'll blow this place sky high. But if you make it out of this, I want you all to take a long, hard look at yourselves in the mirror. I don't know how you sleep at night, Traitors.
Speaker 0: I had you. I had you guys You didn't get me. Yeah. You're shaking in your boots. Shut up.
That's Todd. That's Todd.
Speaker 1: What do you know?
Speaker 3: We were all FBI agents the whole time.
Speaker 0: So what do you wanna do with all this stuff then? Well, we did put a lot of work into that plot. Shame to waste it.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
New Report Indicates Only 3 People In Jan 6 Crowd Were Not FBI Agents https://buff.ly/XVHOd7q https://t.co/UVH5HYgHIf
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Biden Drone Strikes White House To Kill Those Responsible For American Military Deaths In Kabul President Joe Biden authorized deadly force to deal with all who caused the tragedy in Afghanistan. But, whoops, blew up the White House. https://t.co/lowPzEKBuZ
Video Transcript AI Summary
Breaking news: 'President Joe Biden has reportedly located those responsible for the deaths of American troops in Kabul.' In the White House War Room, General Mustard says: 'our great leader, President Joe Biden, has done it. He vowed to take care of those monsters' and 'the deadliest force.' He calls the culprit 'a true monster with complete disregard for human life' who 'needs to be wiped off this earth.' He adds: 'Let me send the coordinates any minute now and then blamo drone strikes. Drone him to kingdom come.' A speaker compliments: 'Mission accomplished, competent, compassionate, cognitive, no dementia in sight, just an all around well rounded president.' The claimed coordinates: 'The coordinates are the the White House' and 'The people responsible are located at the White House.' There is confusion: 'Oh, man. What? No. Why? I don't wanna be droned.' The group argues: 'the troops were killed because they were in a Taliban controlled Afghanistan' and 'it's not like they were killed with like American weapons' and 'So you're tellin' me this is all Joe Biden's fault.'
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Breaking news. President Joe Biden has reportedly located those responsible for the deaths of American troops in Kabul.
Speaker 1: We now go live to the White House War Room where General Mustard awaits orders. General?
Speaker 2: Gentlemen, our great leader, President Joe Biden, has done it. He vowed to take care of those monsters and boy, howdy, let me tell you, he's gonna take care of them now.
Speaker 0: President Biden used some rather harsh language about what he would do when he found those who caused the tragedy. Will you be using deadly deadly force?
Speaker 2: The deadliest force. The people or a person could be just one person to blame is pure evil. A true monster with complete disregard for human life. Whoever it is needs to be wiped off this earth and certainly shouldn't be in a position of power of any kind.
Speaker 1: Can't argue with that, but the million dollar question is, who is it? Who is to blame for the deaths of American soldiers?
Speaker 2: Let me send the coordinates any minute now and then blamo drone strikes. Drone him to kingdom come. Until then, I would like to take this opportunity to commend Joe Biden. Mission accomplished, competent, compassionate, cognitive, no dementia in sight, just an all around well rounded president. Two thumbs up, five stars, a plus, top of the class, number one in my books.
Here they are. The coordinates see here. Okay.
Speaker 0: This is momentous. One for the history books.
Speaker 2: Alright. And the people or the single individual responsible for the death of our troops in Kabul are located What?
Speaker 1: What's it say? Where are these evil low lives?
Speaker 2: The coordinates are the the White House.
Speaker 0: Wait. The people responsible are located at the White House? The White House you're in right now?
Speaker 2: Oh, man. What? No. Why? I don't wanna be droned.
Guys, why am gonna be droned?
Speaker 0: I think maybe it's because Joe Biden's the one responsible.
Speaker 2: Nuh-uh. The troops were killed because they were in a Taliban controlled Afghanistan.
Speaker 1: Because Joe Biden botched the troops withdrawal.
Speaker 2: But it's not like they were killed with like American weapons.
Speaker 0: Should we tell them?
Speaker 2: So you're tell in' me this is all Joe Biden's fault.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Watch as the Cracker Barrel guy attends his first canceled mascots support group meeting: https://t.co/xRfBXHXU8A
Video Transcript AI Summary
At a meeting of canceled mascots, the white member asks, 'So they're not just canceling minority mascots anymore?' 'They're coming for all of us.' The new member explains being told by 'A white lady' that 'I'm racist. I mean, how? How?' The group counters, 'It's those millennials. They ruin everything.' They add, 'Millennials are in their forties now. I think the problem is Gen z.' A running gag asks, 'What is in that barrel? Is it crackers?' with guesses like 'fish,' 'cheese,' 'rice.' The new member states two things: 'One, I'm just a folksy guy who wants to help sell southern style cooking.' 'Two, if you keep asking about the barrel, it's gonna be the biggest regret of your life.' The barrel seems to move; 'The public has demanded me back. So long, the losers.' 'That's nice. Maybe there's hope for all of us.'
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Thank you for attending this meeting of canceled mascots. I'd like to welcome our first white member.
Speaker 1: Howdy.
Speaker 0: So they're not just canceling minority mascots anymore?
Speaker 2: They're coming for all of us.
Speaker 0: Since you're new, tell us your story.
Speaker 1: Well, I was just minding my business, sitting next to a barrel looking folksy, and this white lady Yep. A white lady.
Speaker 0: A white lady said I'm racist. I mean, how? How?
Speaker 1: So as I was telling y'all, this white lady says I'm just not connecting with the younger folk these days.
Speaker 2: It's those millennials. They ruin everything.
Speaker 0: Millennials are in their forties now. I think the problem is Gen z.
Speaker 2: It's young people. They don't have respect for tradition.
Speaker 0: What we like to remind ourselves here is just because certain people turned against us does not mean we're bad mascots. We are beloved.
Speaker 1: I'll try to remember that.
Speaker 2: So what's in the barrel? Is it crackers?
Speaker 1: A barrel would be an odd container for crackers.
Speaker 2: So are you the cracker?
Speaker 1: Excuse me?
Speaker 0: Then what is in there? Is it pickles?
Speaker 1: It's just a barrel. I wouldn't worry about it. Is it fish?
Speaker 2: Do you have fish in a barrel?
Speaker 1: Is it cheese?
Speaker 2: It's not rice, is it? Rice is my thing.
Speaker 1: Can we move on?
Speaker 0: I think that's a good idea. Now for our next order of business
Speaker 2: What is in that barrel?
Speaker 1: Hey. I want you to know two things. One, I'm just a folksy guy who wants to help sell southern style cooking. Two, if you keep asking about the barrel, it's gonna be the biggest regret of your life.
Speaker 2: Did that barrel just move?
Speaker 1: What? Oh, that's just dandy. The public has demanded me back. So long, losers. It's time for me and my barrel to go back to imprisoning the souls of the innocent.
Speaker 0: That's nice. Maybe there's hope for all of us.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Democrats Brainstorm Genius Ways To Appeal To Men https://t.co/8BtbUVPLfh
Video Transcript AI Summary
A consultant is interviewed by the Democratic party to help them appeal to men. The consultant suggests Democrats should swear more, transition more young women into young men, oppose the deportation of gang members, fight for Harvard's right to be antisemitic, and use the word "oligarch" more often. Another interviewee suggests the party needs more common sense, stating that men can't be women, criminals aren't victims, and what you see isn't fake. They suggest getting "real men" in the party.
The first consultant is hired, requesting a budget of $5,600,000,000,000 to buy every voting-age male a pickup truck. Another interviewee is hired for ranting about Trump all day. A commercial for Liberal Repellent supplements plays.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Yeah. Great weekend.
Speaker 1: Thanks for sharing all that.
Speaker 0: Hello. I'm here to interview for the Democratic party consulting job.
Speaker 1: Yes. Please come in. Have a seat.
Speaker 2: Or don't have a seat. We're not here to assume you're seat having or non seat having orientation. We're Democrats. We support your right to live your truth.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Look, you said in your job posting that you need help appealing to men. Well, I've got
Speaker 1: a lot of ideas. So you know how to appeal to men?
Speaker 0: As a lesbian, I find that question offensive and reductive. First idea, men like to swear. Democrats have got to start swearing more. We've already been doing that. Well, do it more you What the wrong with you, you Second, if you want more young men in the party, the best thing you can do is transition more young women into young men.
Bingo. You got you, young men. That just might work. Idea three, Democrats have got to work harder to oppose the deportation of gang members, to fight for Harvard's right to be antisemitic, and to use the word oligarch over and
Speaker 1: over again. You think men will like that?
Speaker 0: Who cares? It's the right thing to do. Don't you wanna do the right thing? That's all the free advice you get. You want any more of my ideas, you're gonna have to hire me.
Alright?
Speaker 2: I like her.
Speaker 1: Or is it I like them? I forgot to ask her pronouns. I mean, their pronouns. Darn it. I mean,
Speaker 2: What's wrong with you? No wonder we lost the election. Hi. I'm Bob. And what are your pronouns, Bob?
Not gonna make that mistake again.
Speaker 3: See, you wanna appeal to men, you gotta stop with all that nonsense.
Speaker 1: What nonsense?
Speaker 3: I mean, can't you tell if I'm a chick or a dude just by looking at me?
Speaker 2: Well, I think you look like a dude, a male?
Speaker 3: Yeah. So why ask? I mean, I get it if you're confused. Like you, for example, I don't know what you are. What are your pronouns?
Speaker 2: I'm hehim. Thanks for asking.
Speaker 3: It wasn't a compliment. Listen. You guys wanna appeal to men, you need a little bit more common sense in your party. Men can't be women, criminals aren't victims, and what I see with my own eyes isn't some cheap fake. And maybe get some real men in the party for a change.
Speaker 2: Exactly. That's why Pete Buttigieg grew a beard.
Speaker 3: No. I mean real men.
Speaker 1: So you're saying that maybe we should have a candidate who can pretend to like hunting and football.
Speaker 3: Like Tim Waltz.
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. I love that guy.
Speaker 2: He's so hot.
Speaker 1: Well, I think it's obvious who's getting this job.
Speaker 2: Couldn't be more clear.
Speaker 1: Congratulations. You're hired.
Speaker 0: Great. I'm gonna need a budget of $5,600,000,000,000. What? Ew. That's a lot.
Why? That's what it will cost to buy every voting age male a pickup truck. Do you want to
Speaker 1: win or not? She's got a point.
Speaker 2: Maybe our only shot.
Speaker 1: Or is it they've got a point? Dang it again. I mean, again. So the last person in this job had a little trouble keeping the budget down. Do you have any ideas of how we can attract men that don't cost $5,600,000,000,000?
Men are so awful. They say they care about my feelings, but they don't wanna go
Speaker 4: out with me, or at least not more than once. Why? Why would men date me? Why do they say I'm too emotional? I'm not too emotional.
Speaker 1: They hate the fact that all I
Speaker 4: do all day is spend the day ranting about Trump. How can anyone exist in this world and not spend the whole day ranting about Trump? What is wrong with men?
Speaker 1: She's the best we've seen. Just Sweetie. You're hiring. I'm fine. I'm fine.
I can't get my own flowers.
Speaker 5: When it comes to your health, shortcuts don't cut it. Liberal Repellent supplements are crafted with the highest quality bioavailable ingredients. No fillers, no fluff, never GMO. Whether you're need of a complete detox, restoring gut health, fighting fatigue, due to magnesium deficiency, or looking to go from not tonight to clear my schedule in two capsules, Liberal Repellent has you covered. Whole food vitamins, trace minerals, and targeted formulas that actually work because your body deserves the best every single day.
Liberal Repellent. Everything you need, done right, never left.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Liberal Goes Back In Time To Kill Hitler https://t.co/SimQ1Ooo2R
Video Transcript AI Summary
A time traveler from 2025 arrives to kill Hitler, citing his fascist policies and the decades of devastation they caused. The time traveler claims progressives will soon regain the White House and use the government to enforce their ideas. Hitler expresses agreement with using government power to impose ideas and silencing dissenters.
The time traveler reveals a desire to eliminate "undesirable people groups," similar to Hitler's views on Jewish people, but claims to not believe in segregation, except in certain contexts. The time traveler's flare gun is chosen to avoid supporting toxic gun culture, while supporting gun control. Hitler reveals he also supports gun control, but only for undesirables.
Hitler praises Margaret Sanger, whose organization is on the time traveler's shirt, for her eugenics work. Hitler expresses interest in socialized healthcare, which the time traveler claims is a progressive idea. The time traveler is confused, realizing they share common ground with Hitler, including vegetarianism. The time traveler abandons the assassination plan, impressed by Hitler's painting.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: I'm a time traveler from the year 2025, and I've come here to kill you, Hitler.
Speaker 1: Oh, not again. I'm never gonna have enough time to finish these paintings with all of these time travelers trying to kill me. Well, I'm going to succeed. Before you pull the trigger, can I just ask why? Why do all of you people want to kill me?
Speaker 0: Isn't it obvious? I'm a progressive, a liberal, a fighter for social justice, and you are a fascist who implemented a reign of terror. And while the effects of your policies devastated the world for decades, soon we will be able to take back the White House, and we will be able to use the government to force people to follow our great ideas.
Speaker 1: You want to use government power to force your ideas on the populace. Me too. That's fantastic.
Speaker 0: What? No. No. You and I have nothing in common. What I'm saying is there are people in our time with dangerous ideas and we need to silence them.
Speaker 1: Silencing those who disagree with you. I do that too. Oh, the Nazi movement will not die with me.
Speaker 0: Don't give me that. I'm enlightened and you're as bad as well, as Hitler. Listen, What I'm trying to say is we are very close to implementing a utopia as long as we can get rid of some certain undesirable people groups. Yes. Like the Jews.
Yes. Like the Jews. Oh.
Speaker 1: So in the future. Oh. You also do not like the Jews?
Speaker 0: Well, no. But we don't believe in segregating all the races like you do. I mean, except for, like, graduation ceremonies and dorms and hiring practices. Oh, and and admissions policies. That sort of thing.
Speaker 1: I too am a fan of the segregation. I I'm sorry. I have to ask. Is this a real firearm or is this some kind of toy for a fucking It's
Speaker 0: a flare gun. I'm trying not to support America's toxic gun culture. I'm a firm believer in gun control.
Speaker 1: Gun control. This was one of my ideas too. Ban them from the undesirables. Yes. Look here.
Oh oh oh, and your your shirt, this is an organization founded by Margaret Sanger.
Speaker 0: Yes? Wait. You know about Margaret Sanger?
Speaker 1: Yavole, of course. She's such a lovely person.
Speaker 0: No. No. No. No. No.
She's a fighter for reproductive rights, for women's empowerment,
Speaker 1: and And the eradication of undesirable populations by means of Eugenics, brilliant lady. Very inspiring. I must use some of her ideas in our socialized health care system. Socialized health care?
Speaker 0: That's not your thing. That's that's our thing.
Speaker 1: No. No. It's very much my thing. Did you know that Nazi means National Socialist German Workers Party? Nazi is just more catchy.
Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi, Nazi. Just rolls off the tongue. No.
Speaker 0: This can't be true. This has to be some sort of mistake. We are nothing alike. You're Adolf Hitler, evil right wing fascist dictator, and I'm feminist restorative justice advocate and a vegetarian.
Speaker 1: You're a vegetarian? Me too. Okay. I am so confused right now.
Speaker 0: I came here with a clear goal in mind to kill the most evil man that I've ever lived besides Ronald Reagan. But now that I'm meeting you in person, you're not at all what I thought you were. And your painting is actually really good. What do you call it? I call it.
I don't know what that means, but sounds beautiful.
Speaker 1: It does, doesn't it?
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
In Experts We Trust. https://t.co/0vnw65G5us
Video Transcript AI Summary
Swiper did no swiping. Diddy didn't diddle. There are five lights. Ben Shapiro is five foot nine. Islam is a religion of peace.
Trump's skin color is natural. Obama is 100% straight. Jews don't control the weather. The government is highly efficient.
Cholesterol is bad for you. The dress is white and gold. We have always been at war with East Asia. Admiral Rachel Levine is definitely a woman.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Swiper did no swiping. Diddy didn't diddle. There are five lights. Ben Shapiro is five foot nine. Islam is a religion of peace.
Yes. That is Trump's natural skin color. Obama is 100% straight. Jews don't control the weather. The government is highly efficient.
Cholesterol is bad for you. The dress is white and gold. We have always been at war with East Asia. And finally, admiral Rachel Levine is definitely a woman. Thank you.
There will be no further questions.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
LA Dodgers Announce MS-13 Bobblehead Night https://t.co/DaQytzBqUH
Video Transcript AI Summary
The Dodgers organization is thanking fans with a unique bobblehead giveaway: an MS-13 gang member bobblehead, presented by the Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights. The giveaway will be on Friday, July 18, when the Dodgers host the Milwaukee Brewers. The bobblehead is modeled on an authentic MS-13 gang member, a Latinx cis male with face tattoos. The bobblehead wears an unbuttoned Dodgers jersey to show off his abs and carries a Glock 19 for use in fighting back against white supremacy. The first 40,000 undocumented migrants to attend will receive the bobblehead.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: It's a beautiful night here in the City Of Angels. A city that isn't afraid to tell ice to go home. A city of pride, a city of diversity, a city of winners. The Dodgers baseball organization wants to thank the fans of this beautiful city. This time, we wanted a unique bobblehead that would commemorate you, the great fans from this great city.
That's why Dodgers baseball is proud to announce the giveaway you've all been waiting for. MS thirteen bobblehead night. Presented by the Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights. Don't miss this fantastic giveaway of a beautiful bobblehead modeled on an authentic MS thirteen gang member on Friday, July 18, as the Dodgers host the Milwaukee Brewers. The limited edition MS thirteen bobblehead features a Latin x cis male with face tattoos.
This special commemorative bobblehead wears an unbuttoned Dodgers jersey to show off his abs and carries a Glock 19 for use in fighting back against white supremacy. The first 40,000 undocumented migrants to attend will get their very own MS 13 bobblehead, Ay Caramba. Don't miss out. Be there on July 18 to snag your Dodgers MS 13 bobblehead right here at Dodgers Stadium, home of Dodgers baseball.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Epstein List Hangs Itself Moments Before Release https://buff.ly/BU5E1pJ https://t.co/BEg719mGfk
@elonmusk - Elon Musk
@TheBabylonBee Can’t believe that conspiracy theorists will claim the list didn’t hang it itself 🙄
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
What If The Constitution Were Written Today? https://t.co/F1QIuuKjkC
Video Transcript AI Summary
The group attempts to create a founding document guaranteeing individual rights. Ideas include free healthcare, internet, DoorDash, guns, and brisket. One person believes everyone has the right to smoke weed in public.
The group debates freedom of speech, with concerns about disagreement and offensive language. Religion is discussed, with conflicting views on Christianity. The right to bear arms is supported, with suggestions for fully automatic machine guns and A-10 Warthogs, countered by calls for common-sense gun laws.
Additional rights suggested are drag queen story hours, free housing, and the right to protest only when a Democrat is in office. Other suggestions include free phones, debit cards, and the right to pay exorbitant amounts for healthcare.
Ultimately, they try to focus on one or two agreed-upon principles. One person suggests everyone has the right to do anything except what others disagree with. The video is a parody by the Babylon Bee, sponsored by the Freedom Forum, which promotes the five freedoms of the First Amendment.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hey. Hey, guys. Yeah. America's pretty great. You know?
But since we never came up with any kind of founding documents in this particular timeline, you know, we need to come up with something that that will guarantees everyone everyone's individual rights.
Speaker 1: First of all, America was never great. America is
Speaker 2: the best country of all time. God founded this country. Do you hate God?
Speaker 3: I'm better than both
Speaker 4: of you. America is the Am I being the judge? Am I being the judge?
Speaker 0: Cool your jets. Okay? Just kinda settle down. We need to come together. Okay?
In spite of our differences so that we can write this document. Okay? I call it the constitution. Oh. Are some basic rights that everybody in America should be guaranteed?
Speaker 1: Free health care, free internet, and a free DoorDash subscription for human rights reasons.
Speaker 0: DoorDash.
Speaker 2: Oh, free guns. Oh, and free brisket. Definitely add free brisket in there for the human rights thing.
Speaker 5: As a libertarian,
Speaker 3: I believe every human has the right to smoke weed in public places making the whole city smell like a skunk's caboose. Also for the human rights thing, bro.
Speaker 4: Wow. Okay. These are Great.
Speaker 0: Ideas. But what about something a little bit more fundamental? Something like
Speaker 2: freedom of speech. The speech is entirely free? Because nothing is free. That sounds like communism to me. I'm okay
Speaker 3: with free speech, but I mostly want to use it to say the f word or either of the b words.
Speaker 5: I hate my parents. Oh, I could also say
Speaker 2: What if people say things I disagree with?
Speaker 5: That would
Speaker 1: hurt my feelings. That's fair.
Speaker 3: I don't really care as long as I have my medication pen.
Speaker 0: Looks like we're all in agreement then. No free speech. What about freedom of religion?
Speaker 2: I'm okay with it. As long as that religion is Christian, my particular denomination, in fact, first Baptist only. Everyone else can go straight to h word.
Speaker 1: I'm okay with it as long as that religion is anything but Christian.
Speaker 3: I'm okay with it as long as that religion is no religion. I really hate my parents. They wouldn't let me say the l word.
Speaker 0: Okay. What about the right to bear arms?
Speaker 2: All for it. Yep. Make sure it specifically mentions we can own fully automatic machine guns. God bless America.
Speaker 3: I'm 100% for it as well. As long as it specifically mentions that I can own an a 10 Warthog.
Speaker 1: But make sure it mentions that this is all subject to common sense gun laws and that the only ones who can own the really powerful guns are the military and the police, whom I hate.
Speaker 4: And what other rights should be guaranteed to all Americans?
Speaker 3: Drag queen story hours there, a blessing of liberty.
Speaker 0: I'm not writing that down.
Speaker 4: Free housing. The right to
Speaker 2: protest as long as it's a democrat in office.
Speaker 1: Weed. The right to be here illegally. Freedom of the press as long
Speaker 2: as it's Fox News. CNN can burn in h word. Weed. You said that already.
Speaker 5: Oh, man. Did I?
Speaker 1: Free phones, free debit cards, and free copies of Claire Obscure Expedition 33 for those who come after.
Speaker 2: The right to pay exorbitant amounts for health care. The the right to impose my personal belief system on everyone in this country. The right to drive my Ford f one fifty in the carpool lane.
Speaker 5: And what if, like, aliens came down and they were like, none of this is real and you're all just little toys we've been playing with this the whole time. You're a toy. I'm a toy. He's definitely a toy.
Speaker 4: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We've all got a lot of ideas for this constitution thing, but really we need to focus and boil it down to like one or maybe two things that we can all agree on.
So focus people, focus, focus, focus, and stop that chewing. It's dreamy insane. Everyone ready? On the count of three, we are all gonna say what we're thinking for
Speaker 0: the constitution. Okay? One, two, three.
Speaker 1: Everybody has the right to do
Speaker 2: anything except the things I personally disagree with.
Speaker 4: Now we're cooking with gas?
Speaker 1: Could it not be gas though? I prefer more renewable energy sources.
Speaker 0: The great parody and satire you just watched is brought to you by the Babylon Bee, and we can bring you this kind of entertainment because parody and satire is brought to you by the First Amendment. It falls under freedom of speech, which is why we love teaming up with Freedom Forum as a sponsor. They celebrate and promote all five freedoms of the First Amendment, religion, speech, press, assembly, and petition. It's these freedoms that allow you to be you in your everyday life. From wearing what you want to wear to watching what you want to watch.
Like me. Go to freedomforum.org/b to get inspired, get analysis, get the latest news, and more on all things First Amendment.
Speaker 5: I remember in Toy Story when Annie was pulling up little cowboy draw his strings. The alien is like, aren't Andy, and we're like the cowboy dude. Just saying whatever the alien wants, man. There's a snake in my boot. Somebody poison the water hole.
Where's my son Nemo? Where's my son Nemo, I love you, man. Funion.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Updated 'Guess Who?' Game Now Has All 437 Genders https://t.co/lc7ipETXIN
Video Transcript AI Summary
The "all new Guess Who" now features 437 genders. Determining someone's gender based on appearance is considered disrespectful and offensive. Identifying someone solely based on gender is reductive and offensive. Privileging traditional gender stereotypes is patriarchal and offensive.
The game is designed for various family structures, including single-parent, blended, chosen, and LGBTQIA+ families, and friendships/communities where everyone feels valued.
"Fun" is defined not as enjoyable, but as a feeling of smug self-satisfaction about being on the right side of history and superiority over others.
The game is available at Target and BSM Shop. Seven more genders were discovered and new pieces are being sent.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hey, kids. Who wants to play Guess Who? I don't like that game. It's not inclusive. Yeah.
It only has two genders. Not anymore. Yay. Introducing the all new Guess Who, now with all 437 genders. Is your person by gender?
Mom, you cannot determine someone's gender based on their appearance. That's disrespectful and offensive. Is your person a demiborn? Identifying someone solely based on their gender is reductive and offensive. Does your person look like someone who is trying to adopt the appearance of a traditional female?
Privileging traditional gender stereotypes is patriarchal and offensive. 437 gender guess who. Great for the whole family. Family may include, but is not limited to single parent families, blended families, chosen families, LGBTQIA plus families, and should not be defined solely based on blood relations or legal ties and can be found in friendships, communities, and other relationships where everyone feels valued and respected for who they are. This game has too many pieces.
It's taking forever. Do you want this game to be easy to play, or do you want us to be inclusive? Inclusive. 437 gender, guess who, hours of endless fun. Fun is not meant to suggest an enjoyable or pleasurable experience, but rather one that elicits a feeling of smug self satisfaction about being on the right side of history and a sense of superiority over others who are not as enlightened or evolved.
437 gender guess who can be found at your local Target will be BSM Shop. Batteries not included except as an additional gender. Honey Nut chorus. Is it okay to stop playing? I I I don't know.
I think it might be offensive. Oh, great. I just got an alert from the game company. They discovered seven more genders, and they're sending the new pieces over tonight. Yay.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
New from @LiveAction: The Handmaid’s Tale Writer’s Room https://t.co/TNqZFX8dL2
Video Transcript AI Summary
The speaker introduces a series based on "The Handmaid's Tale," claiming it will reveal what American men truly want from women and be the "pinnacle of feminism" and a symbol of abortion rights.
The series depicts a dystopian future where men force women to wear bonnets and shapeless red gowns, fulfilling men's deepest desires. These women, called handmaids, are named after the men who possess them (e.g., Of Fred). The men have sex with them while others watch and read the Bible.
The speaker says that to fight this, women should be sexually liberated. Protesting abortion bans by getting naked in public and having sex without giving men responsibility is the ultimate revenge and how women take their power back.
The handmaids are surrogates because other women are infertile. The speaker concludes that if a woman can't have an abortion, she's basically a handmaid. One person expresses concern that the story could offend those who use surrogacy, but the speaker dismisses this concern.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Team, I've seen inside the mind of the American man, and I've manifested a series which will once and for all reveal what he truly wants of all women. This series will be the pinnacle of feminism, and it will be the ultimate symbol of abortion rights in America. It is based on Margaret Atwood's 1985 novel, The Handmaid's Tale, and it depicts a bleak dystopian future in which men have forced almost all women to wear what every American man in his deepest, darkest desires dreams of women wearing. Bonnets. Mhmm.
Yes.
Speaker 1: That's the truth.
Speaker 0: I mean, when a man looks out on a crowd of women, the very thing he thinks about is, I want to put a bonnet on every single one of them.
Speaker 2: I mean, if you know anything about men, that's what they're into.
Speaker 3: Men want bonnets.
Speaker 0: That's good. Doug, I'm not hearing any typing. Bonnets, but also bright red outfits that cover the entire woman's body from neck to floor. Sorry.
Speaker 4: These are like skin tight outfits, like sexy. They have a lot
Speaker 0: of Doug. These are shapeless billowing red gowns that cover every inch of the woman's body from her chin down.
Speaker 1: Yep. Covered all the way down in bright red and wearing a bonnet. Exactly what men are always thinking about.
Speaker 0: And Doug, you are supposed to be a fly on the wall here, so all I actually want to be hearing is the tapping of keys. Thank
Speaker 4: you. So sorry.
Speaker 0: Now get this. Every single one of these men is going to have a multitude of these bonneted women in his possession, and he will call them handmaids. And he will name them of his own name, so they will be of Fred, of George, of Bill, etcetera. Because men just want so bad for us to have male names like George and Fred.
Speaker 3: They salivate over it.
Speaker 0: And then he will have sex with them, and it will be exactly the way that men really want to have sex. The woman will be laying there motionless on her back, like a mannequin, still wearing the red gown and the bonnet, while there is a group of people standing around just watching and reading passages of the Bible out loud.
Speaker 2: That is the exact fantasy of every American man.
Speaker 0: And we need to fight it with what every man fears most, women being sexually liberated.
Speaker 1: Exactly. That's why we get naked in public when protesting abortion bans.
Speaker 3: It's ultimate revenge. That's how we take our power back, ladies. Ripping off all our clothes and having as much sex as possible without giving men any responsibility.
Speaker 1: That's how we take control. By making sure men have zero accountability for any of their actions. Precisely.
Speaker 0: And get this. Doug, Keyes.
Speaker 4: Sorry.
Speaker 0: These men are going to have sex with the handmaids in order to get them pregnant because all of the other women are infertile. So the handmaids are the surrogates.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's so brilliant because the only reason men really wanna have sex is to get a woman pregnant.
Speaker 4: What men are they talking about?
Speaker 0: Doug, did you say something?
Speaker 4: No. No.
Speaker 0: And this ladies leads us to our final and most important message here. If a woman does not have the power to have her own abortion, she's basically a handmaid. Yes. And Doug, I know I did tell you not to speak earlier, but please chime in. I mean, have we not gotten men completely pegged over here?
Speaker 4: Actually, you're right. You do have us completely figured out. There's nothing to be more afraid of than naked women constantly throwing sex at us, not allowing us any responsibilities. Personally, it's what I'm most afraid of.
Speaker 2: I'm concerned this story could offend our friends who use surrogacy. I mean, only surrogates I know of are low income women hired by wealthy people or gay couples to carry their babies.
Speaker 0: Liz, please don't be ridiculous here. Rich and gay people hiring low income women to be incubators for their IVF designer babies, the way nature intended, is beautiful. And it is not what we're criticizing here. Careful.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
WW2 Vet Horrified By Lack Of Trans Representation On D-Day https://t.co/M2mFXHmsyD
Video Transcript AI Summary
I landed at Omaha Beach on D-Day with the 29th Infantry Division. Our mission was to clear obstacles for the DD tanks. We were immediately hit by mortar and machine gun fire. I realized there was absolutely no trans representation. My best friend was killed by an MG 42. Three others died in the Higgins boat, and our captain was decapitated. All biological males.
I'm ashamed that in 1944, they couldn't find any trans men or women for the invasion. In the trenches, there was guy talk about missing the dames back home. I wake up from nightmares and worry about Donald Trump and MAGA Republicans taking power in 2025. That isn't what I fought for.
Lieutenant Rollins, Captain Merrill, and Corporal Davies were all cis white males. We thought Davies might be gay, but he married a woman, had 11 kids, and became an iron worker.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: I was there. 06/06/1944. D Day. Yeah. I landed with the twenty ninth Infantry Division in the first wave at Omaha Beach.
Our job was to clear the way of obstacles for the DD tanks so we could punch through and get everyone the out of there. Well, we landed, and we were immediately hit by mortar and machine gun fire that tore us to pieces. I can still see it in my dreams. One thing that really stuck out to me in the early morning hours of 06/06/1944, I looked around at my brothers in arms and suddenly realized there was absolutely no trans representation. My best friend was lying there dead.
His body was full of holes from an MG 42 machine gun up there on the hill. Biological male. Big surprise. Three others from our platoon never made it out of the Higgins boat. Mortar round.
Boom. Again, three more biological males. Our captain was decapitated by another Mortar round. Yeah? Yeah.
You guessed it. Another biological male. I am so ashamed in hindsight. This was the reality of America in 1944. You mean to tell me they couldn't go out and find some trans man or trans women so as to make the largest amphibious invasion in history?
You know, they didn't even try. In the trenches and on the hedgerows, you know, there there was a lot of guy talk talking about how much we miss the dames back home. They say boys will be boys, but maybe they won't be. Maybe they'll be Dames one day. I realize that now.
I still wake up from the nightmares all those years later. And then I see in my waking hours the nightmare of Donald Trump and MAGA Republicans taking power in 2025, and I think we haven't got the country we had when I was raised. That isn't what I fought for. No, sir. Actually, it is ma'am.
Ma'am? Really? You?
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Speaker 0: These are my old squad mates. You know, lieutenant Rollins, cis white male. Captain Merrill, cis white male. Corporal Davies. You know, for a while, while we're marching through the hedgerows, he kept singing, songs from Oklahoma.
So we all thought he was a little light in his loafers, if you know what I mean. But, no, settled down with this gal when he got home. Had 11 kids. Became an iron worker. So you just never know.
But, yeah, cis white male.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
CRUEL: This Mexican Crime Lord Was Deported By Trump https://t.co/8wpG7KDFJu
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Liberal Goes Back In Time To Fix The 2nd Amendment https://t.co/YupMpDjCsV
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Elon Disguises IRS Building As Tesla Dealership So Democrats Will Burn It Down https://t.co/tV4MLVZNKz
Video Transcript AI Summary
Opponents of the IRS celebrated after Elon Musk disguised IRS headquarters as a Tesla dealership, allegedly to entice Democrats to burn it down. Musk covered the building with Tesla emblems, parked electric cars out front, and, within hours, leftists supposedly flocked to the building with incendiary devices, reducing it to rubble.
One protester allegedly shouted, "fascists are violent, kill them all." Musk stated that for the cost of a few Tesla signs, Americans were freed from excessive taxation and that a Tesla dealership would be built on the site.
Americans rejoiced and hoped Musk would target the Department of Education next. The "firebombing Democrats" then allegedly torched a Waffle House after a waitress called a man "sir."
The segment then shifts to a discussion of how MODE Mobile helps millions earn money from screen time and was ranked North America's fastest-growing software company in 2023. They have a new Nasdaq ticker, MODE, and pre-IPO shares are available at 26¢.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Opponents of the Internal Revenue Service celebrated this week after Elon Musk disguised IRS headquarters to look like a Tesla car dealership so that Democrats would burn it to the ground. The billionaire inventor covered the main IRS building with Tesla emblems and signage. He also parked a few electric cars out front as part of his plan to lure Democrats to the location so they'd light it on fire. Within a few hours, leftists flocked to the building with Molotov cocktails, blowtorches, Samsung Galaxy Note sevens and other incendiary devices. IRS headquarters was reduced to rubble by the end of the day.
One enraged protester could be seen throwing a Molotov cocktail through a window of the IRS building and shouting fascists are violent, kill them all. Elon Musk released a statement saying, for the cost of a few Tesla signs, we've now freed the American people from the terrible burden of excessive taxation. Ironically, once the rubble of the IRS building is cleared, we will in fact build an enormous new Tesla dealership in its place. But now I have to go. I'm playing Diablo four.
Americans rejoiced over the news of the torch building. Many say they hope Musk disguises the Department of Education building as a Tesla dealership next, so Democrats will light that one up as well. The robing herd of firebombing Democrats quickly turned their anger toward a nearby Waffle House where a waitress reportedly referred to a man in address as sir. The restaurant was torched in minutes in what participants called a stunning display of bravery and tolerance. Coming up next, is your toddler secretly mining bitcoin in your basement?
We give you the warning signs. While Americans celebrate the destruction of the IRS, they're also celebrating a smarter way to make money. MODE Mobile helps millions earn from their screen time doing what they already do, playing games, listening to music, or just charging their phones. They've already helped 45,000,000 users save and earn over $325,000,000, and Deloitte ranked them North America's fastest growing software company in 2023. While the IRS may need rebuilding, Modus securing their future with their new Nasdaq ticker MODE, which you can get your pre IPO shares at just 26¢.
Click the link to learn how you can earn up to 100% bonus shares right now.
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Noah Starting To Think The Woodpeckers Were A Bad Idea https://buff.ly/ao86hXj
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Freshman Brainwashed After Just 2 Weeks Of College https://t.co/ZpNktHl4OC
Video Transcript AI Summary
Jess begins her first day at State Public University of Knowledge, eager to learn. Her parents are quickly dismayed by the college's environment. Jess expresses concern about capitalistic patriarchal systems, climate change, and describes the Bible as an archaic collection of fairy tales.
At the library, Jess says she protests injustice, including the "fascist takeover of the country, low wages for agender barista queers," and "the Jews." Her professors teach how to "destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized." Jess says the university is teaching her how to destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized.
Her parents decide to transfer her to The Master's University. Jess asks if equity and social justice are the foundation for a prosperous society. She quotes Thomas Sowell, stating a society that prioritizes equality of outcome over freedom will end up with neither. The university's commitment is to Jesus Christ and scripture. Jess says she is learning to think biblically and is "better now."
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Well, this is it. First day of college.
Speaker 1: We are so proud of you, Jess. Mom, dad, you're embarrassing me. I'm 18.
Speaker 0: Hi, 18. I'm dad.
Speaker 1: Look, I love you guys, but I'll be okay. Here at State Public University of Knowledge, I'm sure to learn a lot of things that help me prepare for the future. Alright. Alright. Well, get out of your hair, but we're gonna be in two weeks to visit.
We just can't wait to see how much you've changed and grown. Oh, don't forget your vibe. Okay. Alright, Kim. Love you.
Love you.
Speaker 0: This is her dorm room, right?
Speaker 1: I think so. Hey, dad. Birthing person. Oh, hey, person I birthed. Are you good?
How could I be good when our capitalistic patriarchal systems are crushing the marginalized and oppressed and our planet is literally on fire thanks to climate change. I am not good.
Speaker 0: I'm not good. I'm dead.
Speaker 1: Honey, it's not the time. Alright. Is that your bible? Well, my professor say it's an archaic collection of fairy tales that perpetuate bigotry. Oh, cool.
Cool. You wanna show us around campus? Bet. This is the library.
Speaker 0: Nice sturdy shelves. I like it.
Speaker 1: The God Delusion? Why your parents are the oppressors? Punch a conservative? Birthing person. I knew you were going to freak out, but don't worry.
I don't read books in the library. I mostly come here when we protest injustice.
Speaker 0: Well, injustice is bad. That kind of girl. What kind of things do you protest?
Speaker 1: Oh, you know, the fascist takeover of the country, low wages for agender barista queers. The Jews.
Speaker 0: The Jews? What
Speaker 1: is all that ruckus?
Speaker 0: Wait a minute. Wait minute. Why the Jews?
Speaker 1: Oh, the students are just protesting cisgender white heteronormativity. You have nothing to worry about unless you're cis white hetero. How about we go meet my professors? We can go out the back door. Hey, professor.
Speaker 0: Oh. Hey.
Speaker 2: You must be Jess's parents. I am her economics professor.
Speaker 1: Oh, economics. Good. Like Thomas Sowell?
Speaker 2: Who? Oh, no. This week, we're learning how to destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized.
Speaker 0: Start ed construction. I like it.
Speaker 2: Hi. I'm Jess's English professor.
Speaker 1: Oh, English. Like Milton and Shakespeare.
Speaker 2: Who? Oh, no. This week, we are learning how to destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized.
Speaker 0: I like Tom Clancy. Who?
Speaker 2: Hi. I'm Jess's world history professor.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Let me guess. You teach her how to destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized.
Speaker 2: No. No. No. We teach world history. See, nothing to worry about.
And how to destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized.
Speaker 0: The globe is cool though. It's Vince.
Speaker 2: Oh, also God is dead and I hate him. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Okay parents, that was the end of the tour. I gotta get to my 2PM protest and then my 6PM house party. I mean, another protest for injustice. Jess, you've literally deconstructed everything you've ever believed in. I mean, this place isn't educating you, it's brainwashing you.
It isn't brainwashing me. It's teaching me how to destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized. And in doing so Destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates oppression of the marginalized? Personal. I feel like this the colonial establishment that perpetuates the marginalized.
Honey, we gotta get her out of here. Honey.
Speaker 0: Jess, there's a depressed, marginalized minority person here in the car that needs help. Come quick.
Speaker 1: Don't worry, minority person. I can help. I'm white. Where is they? I don't see them anywhere.
Wait a minute. You can't do this to me. I need to destroy the colonial establishment that perpetuates the oppression of the marginalized. I need to destroy the colonial state of the matter.
Speaker 3: Welcome to the Masters University. You must be Jess and her parents. I'm Heather. I'm a first year student here. Are there any questions
Speaker 1: before we begin the tour? Yes. Is equity and social justice the foundation for a prosperous society? A society that puts equality, in the sense of equality of outcome, before freedom, will end up with neither equality nor freedom. Thomas Soules said that.
I think we're in the right place.
Speaker 2: Why is it called the Master's University? Because Jesus Christ, our master, is Lord over all. We commit all we do, academics, athletics, student life, to his truth. With unwavering devotion to scripture, we equip students to live boldly for him, shaping hearts for eternal impact. Are you a Christian in high school?
You're invited to tour the campus in Southern California. Just go to masters.edu slash visit. So
Speaker 1: you see why we had to take drastic action and get you over here to the Masters University? That's embarrassing. Oh, we're learning to think biblically. I'm better now.
Speaker 0: I'm better now. I'm dad. Hi, dad. I'm John McArthur.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Reasons The USA Is WAY BETTER Than Canada https://t.co/ADsA7EAoOy
Video Transcript AI Summary
America is better than Canada at not being covered in snow and electing strong, handsome leaders. America excels at overthrowing tyrannical governments and winning championships like the World Series and the Stanley Cup. Americans remember the Alamo, unlike Canadians.
America is better at not murdering sick and old people, and making tacos, although deportation policies are hurting in that area. America only speaks one language, American, and pronounces words correctly.
America is better at owning guns and having states instead of provinces. America is also better at invading other countries.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: It's totally obvious that America is far superior to Canada. Fireworks, freedom, explosion. I think I proved my point. But if you still don't believe me, just take a look at these 12 things America is better at than our neighbor to the north. Not being covered in snow all the time.
Canada sucks at this. Electing strong, handsome leaders. It's not even a contest. Overthrowing tyrannical governments. It's sort of our thing.
Winning World Series, College Football Championships, the Stanley Cup, it's like they're not even trying. Remembering the Alamo, they've completely forgotten about it up there. Oh, yeah. Another thing we're better at is not murdering our sick people and our olds. It's, like, not even legal here.
Making tacos. Although, to be fair, Trump's deportation policies are kinda hurting us in that area. Only speaking one language, American. They have like two languages up there, French, moose. Pronouncing words like about, adult, and sorry correctly.
Keep working at it, guys. You'll get it one day. Owning guns. Don't mess with the champions. Explosion.
Having states instead of dumb provinces that no one even knows about. There's Quebec province, Moose province. And finally, invading other countries. Have you guys even invaded a single country? Didn't think so.
Explosion. What other things is America better at? Leave them in the comments below. It's undeniable. We're just better.
So take off hosers.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Founding Fathers Debate Dangers of Free Speech https://t.co/L24up5sf1X
Video Transcript AI Summary
James Madison is drafting the first ten amendments. The first amendment includes freedom of religion, speech, and the press. One participant questions how freedom of speech would work, including if it protects hurtful speech. Another asks about spaces safe from free speech, while another says words are not violence.
The group debates whether the government should fund fact checkers to identify misinformation and whether hate speech should be protected. One participant suggests only protecting speech that is agreed with. Madison insists all speech must be protected. The group then debates who would decide what speech is protected.
Moving to the second amendment, the right to keep and bear arms, one participant wonders how to stop people from saying things they don't like if everyone has guns. Madison then promotes Christian Community Credit Union. He also shares a musical concept, revealing his middle name is Nathaniel, though he admits he doesn't have one. He claims to be on the $5,000 bill.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Gentlemen, I am James Madison. I wanna thank you all for assisting me today with the historic task of drafting our first ten amendments for our new constitution. The first amendment that I would recommend would be this one. It's pretty straightforward. It's freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom to assemble.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 2: It's not bad, I guess.
Speaker 0: Great. Moving along then. Second amendment is
Speaker 3: yes, Tim. This whole freedom of speech thing, how exactly would that work?
Speaker 0: A free people should be able to think and speak freely without the government stopping them. Now, moving on to the second amendment. It
Speaker 3: yes, Tim. Like what if someone says something that you disagree with? Or what if someone says something that hurts your feelings?
Speaker 1: Like if someone said James Madison is an oafish Columbus who needs to shut his potato trap mouth if he knows what's good for him, would that be protected speech?
Speaker 0: That would be very hurtful. But yes, it's not the government's job to come in and tell its citizenry whether or not it can and can't say something. If somebody decided to insult me, you know, I'm a man. I can take it. So the ability to insult anyone will be a guaranteed
Speaker 3: right. I love America. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. No. Let's slow this down. If people can say whatever they want, we're gonna need to provide for spaces that are safe from free speech.
No. That defeats the whole purpose. We must be able to use the words we wish without fear of prosecution. I don't know about that, chief. Words can be violence, you know.
Speaker 2: No. Words are quite literally not violence. Violence is violence and words are words. Can't just go around changing definitions all the time, all willy nilly. See?
I don't like that you just said that. I am naming this section of the table here my safe space. Tim, that's ridiculous.
Speaker 3: You are in my safe space. You can't say that, okay? So with this whole free speech thing, what happens if someone says something that's untrue? We're gonna need a team of fat checkers funded by the government to identify misinformation.
Speaker 0: The government would never fund fact checkers against its own citizenry, not if the first amendment has anything to say about it.
Speaker 2: I give it 250 years.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Don't be a gullible ignorant rube.
Speaker 0: Okay. Moving on to the second amendment.
Speaker 3: Not so fast. What about cyberbullying? What about misgendering? What about jokes that punch down on marginalized communities? What about what about hate speech?
What is hate speech? I think it's something like, I hate you, you scurvy knave. You have the wits of a debt. Turn up, James Madison. You can't commit hate speech against him.
He's a cis white male. You can only commit it against minorities and those on the fringes of society.
Speaker 2: Are you suggesting that we only protect speech that we agree with? Perfect. Congress shall make no law abridging speech that we agree with. Simple fix. Glad we worked that out.
Speaker 0: No. No. No. That undermines the whole purpose. We must protect all speech or no speech is safe.
Speaker 2: I like where you're going with that, but okay. Hear me out. What if we only protected some speech? And who exactly would decide what speech is protected and what is not?
Speaker 3: I'll volunteer to do it. Problem solved. Are we done here?
Speaker 0: No. We are not. We're obviously gonna go in circles on this. Okay? So why don't we just put a pin in the first amendment and move on to the second?
And what would that one be? The right to keep and bear arms. But if everyone has guns, how am I gonna stop them from saying things I don't like?
Speaker 3: Just saying.
Speaker 0: Tired of banks silencing your values? I am. Tell your secular bank you're canceling them and switch to Christian Community Credit Union. Today, for sixty eight years, CCCU has been the financial partner of choice for believers across The US. With a full suite of banking products, your money will grow while it fuels the expansion of churches and ministries with every transaction you make.
Visit mycccu.com/freedom to get started today. Did the planter born son of a slaver and Virginian come to oversee his domain?
Speaker 3: I I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What is this?
Speaker 0: I said that's just a it's a musical concept that I'm working on. James Nathaniel Madison. My name is James Nathaniel Madison. I'm the $5,000 founding father.
Speaker 3: Hey. My name's Nathaniel. I didn't
Speaker 1: know your middle name was Nathaniel.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Yeah. I don't really I don't have a middle name, actually. It's it's just for the meter. It's James Nathaniel Madison, you know.
It just worked way better. I didn't know that you were on
Speaker 2: the $5,000 bill.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Nobody does. It's the worst bill.
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Ireland Capsizes After Arrival Of Rosie O'Donnell https://buff.ly/uRI4ugZ
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
How The Food Pyramid Was Invented https://t.co/OmllVYh3Np
Video Transcript AI Summary
The speakers are creating a food pyramid to communicate essential dietary information. Bread, cereal (11 bowls a day), and corn syrup (all of it) are deemed essential for the base. Other foods like pasta and Captain Crunch's Crunch Berries are also suggested.
For legal purposes, real foods like dairy, meat, fruits (all berries), broccoli, and celery are randomly added. Candy, sugars, and fats are placed at the tip to be eaten sparingly, because "fats make you fat." The group toasts to America's health with seed oils.
One speaker refuses to endorse the pyramid as based on science, but then states, "This food pyramid is based on science."
A Good Ranchers ad follows, promoting American beef, pork, chicken, and wild-caught seafood, claiming "good protein is the real foundation of happiness."
Finally, it is announced that cereal is now part of a complete breakfast.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Well, guys, I'm not gonna lie to you. Situation is bad. Bad to the bone. Not bad to the bone. That's good bad.
I'm talking bad bad. Everybody's getting ill.
Speaker 1: Aw, sick.
Speaker 0: Not sick ill. I'm talking about bad ill. What I'm trying to say is that we need to pump up the jam. America is less healthy than ever before. That's just real sad.
Hope we can find out why. Well, that's why I've gathered you all here today. We have a plan to communicate essential dietary information in a simple, easy to understand format.
Speaker 2: Well, is it a maze on the back of a cereal box? Because I feel very strongly that it should be a maze on the back of a cereal box.
Speaker 0: I'm sorry, captain. But no. Riddle me this. What is the indisputable most memorable shape of all the shapes? Easy trapezoid.
I love trapezoid. Rhombus. Plus it's fun to say rhombus rhombus rhombus. Pooped it. No.
No. And captain, that's not a shape. The correct answer that we were looking for was
Speaker 1: pyramid.
Speaker 0: We are going to release a food pyramid. And that's where you guys come in. We need to come up with all the right foods to put in the right spot. So let's get started. What are the most essential food items that go in the base, the foundation, the very the very backbone of our diet?
Speaker 1: Well, diets are very complex and do vary from person to person, of course. But I think we can all agree that some good protein and non processed foods is really the foundation of Excuse me?
Speaker 0: Bread is the foundation of of it's the foundation of life.
Speaker 1: Sure. Bread can be fine in certain quantities depending on how it's processed, but
Speaker 0: Shut up, nerd. How much bread do you think is enough? Something reasonable, Like an entire loaf.
Speaker 1: An entire loaf? An entire loaf.
Speaker 2: Mateys, mateys, let's not forget cereal. Okay? It's part of a complete breakfast. It's chock full of vitamins a, b, c, and r. You're not even
Speaker 1: a pirate. You're clearly themed as a naval officer. Let's just cut to the chase. How much cereal are we
Speaker 2: talking about here? Well, nothing over the top. Something reasonable. So like 11 bowls a day. 11 bowls a day?
Speaker 0: 11 bowls a day. Captain, it's an honor to serve under your command. It's not even a real captain. Don't disrespect the uniform.
Speaker 1: Corn. Corn, while starchy, can be okay in limited quantities. Shut up, Point Dexter.
Speaker 0: Let him finish. Thank you. I was gonna say corn syrup. Alright. How much corn syrup?
All of it. All of the corn syrup. All the corn syrup? I love
Speaker 1: it. That's what I thought.
Speaker 0: This is brilliant. Alright. Let's keep spitballing. What do you got? Six cups of pasta.
Speaker 2: Captain Crunch's crunch berries.
Speaker 0: Crunch itize me, captain. Rise. One person.
Speaker 2: Captain Crunch's peanut butter crunch. Zory. Yeah. Captain Crunch's living in the ocean. Red, white, blue crunch.
Speaker 0: This is brilliant. But our lawyers have informed me that for legal purposes, we do need to actually include some real foods on the pyramid. So for the interest of time, why don't we just take them and throw them up there completely random?
Speaker 2: Dairy. Meat. Fruits. Oops. All berries.
Broccoli. Celery.
Speaker 1: No. You guys, it's gonna be
Speaker 2: Veggies.
Speaker 0: Finally, for the tip of the pyramid, everything you should eat sparingly. Candy, sugars, and fats.
Speaker 1: Woah. Woah. Hold on. All fats are bad?
Speaker 0: Look, fat. Fats make you fat. It's right in the name fat. Now, who wants to toast our creation? I have this fine vintage bottle of seed oils I have been saving for just such an occasion.
Don't mind if I away.
Speaker 2: Delicious. To America's health.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I can't endorse this. There's nothing that you can say that can get me to sign off on this farce. I will not, under any circumstances, say that this food pyramid is based on science. This food pyramid is based on science.
No one paid me to say this. I will not be taking questions. Well, that video sure was satire, but this offer isn't. You know, the food pyramid was never just a pyramid. It was actually just a box of meat.
Good Ranchers partners exclusively with local farms and ranches to deliver 100% American beef, pork, chicken, and wild caught seafood right to your door. Because let's face it, good protein is the real foundation of happiness. Get $40 off at go.goodranchers.com/bforty.
Speaker 3: Yeah. It's just no matter how hard I try, I can't come up with a good catchphrase. They're good. They're of sufficient quality. See, nothing feels right.
Speaker 2: Sir, someone approaches. Ah, Captain. Did you follow your nose and complete your mission? Gentlemen, I'm pleased to inform you that we've won. Cereal is now part of a complete breakfast.
Speaker 3: Hey, that's great.
Speaker 0: Say that again.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Trump Announces Plan To Annex Canada And Rename It 'Gay North Dakota' https://t.co/8ys9UO0JMg
Video Transcript AI Summary
Good evening, I'm here to report that President-elect Trump has announced plans to annex Canada, renaming it Gay North Dakota. This follows Justin Trudeau's resignation as Canadian Prime Minister. The pair previously met to discuss tariffs, but concluded with Trump agreeing to absorb Canada as the 51st state.
Trump stated it will be a wonderful, large, and gay addition to the country. Alternative names were considered, but Trump is insisting on Gay North Dakota.
Donald Trump Jr. believes Canadians will accept the change, as they'll finally become Americans. Trump has offered Trudeau a leadership role, potentially making him the first female governor of Gay North Dakota.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Good evening, and welcome to the evening news this evening. Just moments ago, president-elect Donald Trump announced plans to annex Canada and rename it gay North Dakota. The surprise announcement comes as Justin Trudeau announces his resignation from the Canadian prime ministership, presumably to make way for an American governorship. The pair had previously met back in November at the president's resort home at Mar a Lago. The pair had been expected to discuss Trump's tariff plans, but somehow ended with Trump agreeing to absorb Canada as the 51st state of the union.
His one demand, though, is that Canada be renamed to something very homosexual. Trump said in a press conference, it'll be a wonderful addition to our country, gay North Dakota. It's large, very large, a lot of trees and moose. Everyone says the plural of moose is moose, but they're wrong. It's moose.
But we can't keep calling it Canada or people will think it's a real country. So we're gonna call it gay North Dakota. It's just like North Dakota, only much larger and gayer. Very, very gay. Not that I have a problem with the gays.
I love the gays, but frankly, Canada is tremendously gay. Alternative names have been floated such as gay Minnesota, the forgotten realms, and the land that hasn't won the Stanley Cup since 1993. Trump is still insisting it has to be gay North Dakota, though many Canadians remain unconvinced.
Speaker 1: I mean, the whole thing is offensive, not about being gay, but just being called North Dakotan. I'm sorry. What exactly are you sorry for? I I don't know. I'm I'm just sorry.
I'm I'm sorry.
Speaker 0: The Trump camp is bullish over the move as Donald Trump junior stated, they'll go along with it. We're offering them the opportunity to finally become Americans, which is what they've always wanted. They'll be nice about it because they're Canadians, or should I say gay North Dakotans. It's not all hostile, though. Trump has offered Justin Trudeau a leadership role, which would make Trudeau the first female governor of gay North Dakota.
Coming up, Trump announces his plan to deport over 5,000 illegal immigrants in just 1 Honda Civic hatchback simultaneously. Good evening, Sunday evening.
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Ilhan Omar Accused Of Appropriating Alabama Culture By Marrying Relative https://buff.ly/39eXrlJ
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Foolproof Ways To Avoid Getting Deported https://t.co/42dm4iTjN0
Video Transcript AI Summary
Here are some helpful tips for migrants looking to avoid ICE.
First, go back to your own country. Second, obey immigration laws. Third, take off your sombrero to blend in. Fourth, resist leading an armed gang to forcibly take over an apartment complex. Fifth, don't murder anyone. Sixth, learn English. Seventh, go easy on the murdering.
Eighth, get your MS 13 face tattoo removed. Ninth, ask Selena Gomez to hide you in one of her mansions. And finally, find the perfect hiding place, like Venezuela, because ICE will never look for you there.
Following these tips is a surefire way to evade capture and deportation. You'll escape the clutches of ICE and be back hanging out in the Home Depot parking lot in no time. If you have any other tips, please leave them in the comments below.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: With the widespread panic among the undocumented migrant population of The United States, foreign born people across the country are looking for ways to avoid being apprehended and deported. And this video will provide you with assistance by listing the following helpful tips for migrants looking to avoid ICE. Tip number one, go back to your own country. Simple, but effective. Tip number two, obey immigration laws.
Studies show the best way to avoid being charged with a crime is to not do anything to break the law. Tip three, take off your sombrero. You'll be less identifiable and blend in with every other Juan, Ricardo, and Geraldo. Tip four, resist the urge to lead an armed gang to forcibly take over an apartment complex. It may be difficult, but your will power will pay off.
Number five, don't anyone. American society tends to view this behavior as no bueno. Number six, learn English. Number first. So go easy on the murdering.
Number eight, get your MS 13 face tattoo removed. Laser removal may be pricey, but it will help you be less conspicuous. Number nine, ask Selena Gomez to hide you you in one of her mansions. She's got several of them and based on her social media posts, she'd definitely do something to help. And finally, number 10, find the perfect hiding place, like Venezuela.
Ice will never look for you there. Following these tips is a surefire way to evade capture and deportation. You'll escape the clutches of ICE and be back hanging out in the Home Depot parking lot in no time. If you have any other tips for undocumented migrants avoiding ICE, please leave them in the comments below. Until next time.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Democrats Warn Deportations Cause Unemployment For Child Traffickers https://t.co/7ywJ6TwIt9
Video Transcript AI Summary
Democrats are warning that Trump's immigration policies will devastate the economy and the child trafficking industry. Chuck Schumer claims that Trump's policies will eliminate jobs, harming child trafficking businesses and putting criminals out of work.
Luis Hernandez, a human trafficker, worries about losing his job due to Trump's policies, contrasting this with the job security he felt under Joe Biden. Experts suggest Americans are unwilling to fill the void left by displaced child traffickers. Additionally, Democrats warn of a potential fentanyl shortage due to border security measures. Illinois Governor Jay Pritzker has vowed to eat an entire extra large deep dish meat lovers pizza every day until Trump is stopped.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: As the immigration debate rages on, Democrats warn Americans that President Trump's policies will lead to skyrocketing unemployment among child traffickers. Experts have concluded that deporting illegal aliens and cracking down on border security will eventually have a significant negative impact on the economy, access to unvetted pharmaceuticals, and perhaps most concerning, the child trafficking industry. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer stated to the press, make sure everyone knows president Trump wants to eliminate a bunch of jobs. These reckless policies under his new administration will be devastating to child trafficking businesses across the country and likely result in vast numbers of kidnappers, smugglers, and other criminals being put out of their jobs. Leave it to Republicans to declare war on workers.
We spoke to Luis Hernandez, who has been a hardworking human trafficker for over ten years. Luis expressed serious concerns that Trump's policies could affect his status.
Speaker 1: I'll be out of work here before too long. It's like Trump doesn't even consider what effect this might have on an entire industry. We knew Joe Biden and the Democrats would always have measures in place that would keep our jobs secure, but Trump, he's sending us out to dry.
Speaker 0: Experts speculate that if child traffickers are unable to find work, American citizens are unlikely to fill the void.
Speaker 2: Well, many Americans simply don't wanna kidnap kids. It's a job that your average citizen thinks of as beneath them which is really quite unfortunate
Speaker 0: democrats also warn that securing the border will likely cause a catastrophic shortage of black market fentanyl coming up Illinois governor jay pritzker vows to eat an entire extra large deep dish meat lovers pizza every day until Trump is stopped.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Cereals That Sound Like Mormon Swear Words https://t.co/C1DmBzEPLQ
Video Transcript AI Summary
Here's my list of the top 10 cereals that can double as warm and swear words. First, we have Crispy Critters – simple, effective, and delicious. Next is Honey Bunches of Oats, a bit cliché, but still offensive. Watch out for Grape Nuts; grandma might not approve. Then there's Mewslix, perfect for shouting at the sky.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch is next; cover the kids' ears! Cracklin' Oat Bran can get you in trouble, too. Apple Jacks might be too much for some. Finally, Sprinkle Spangles sounds like a surefire way to get your mouth washed out with soap. So, next time you're in pain, try shouting one of these instead of your usual curse words!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Top 10 cereals that double as warm and swear words. Let's go. Trigger warning. Strong language. Oh, crispy critters.
Simple but effective and delicious. Honey bunches of oats. A little cliche, but still moderately offensive. Grape nuts. Make sure grandma's not around when you say this, or she might kill a wolf.
That means dead in Mormon. Mewslax. Great for shouting at the sky. That's truly hateful. Cinnamon toast crunch.
Make sure you cover your kids' ears if you drop the old CTC, you cinnamon toast crunch. Crackle an oat bran. You kiss your mother with that mouth, you cinnamon toast crunch. Apple Jacks. You can speak what you like, but this one might be a bridge too far.
Oh, sprinkle spangles. Sounds like someone's about to get their mouth washed out with soap. So there you have it. Next time you stub your toe or accidentally step on a rusty nail ouch. Instead of pursing like a sailor, you can just shout out one of these.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Trump Unveils Bold New Country Names https://t.co/I2aOZoWRMd
Video Transcript AI Summary
Hello, I'm here to discuss the new names of places around the globe, courtesy of Trump. The United States is now America Classic, and what used to be Canada is now Gay North Dakota. The Atlantic Ocean? That's the Ocean Of America now. Greenland is now Marjorie Taylor Greenland, and Alaska has been rebranded as McKinley's Happy Funland.
We have two Oceans of America now, and Africa is being called Little Africa, due to a typo. Mexico is now America's pants, and the Middle East is the New Middle East. Africa is now Dark MAGA. Iceland is now Muskeland, and the North Pole? America's Santa's Workshop.
Gaza is Mar-A-Lago East, and Russia is Big Loser Country, America Beat To The Moon, now a U.S. state. China is the Hundred Acre Wood, and Australia is Upside Down America. With all of Earth renamed as America, we're now calling it America Prime, and the Moon and Mars are now America's.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hello. I'm associate professor of geography, Gord McStevens. And I'm here to talk to you about all the ways that Trump has renamed different places around the globe. Starting with, of course, The United States Of America, which is right here. America Classic is what it is now called.
Similar to how we did, New Coke, but now it's classic. Following that, of course, is gay North Dakota and that's where Canada used to be, but now it's not because it's gay. Following that, we have, of course, the Ocean Of America. The Atlantic Ocean, no more. Now it's the Ocean Of America.
This will be taught in old school soon, so you gotta get ready. Greenland? No. Marjorie Taylor Greenland. That's just a favor to her and it kind of works with her name.
Over here, we see, Alaska is now McKinley's Happy Funland. So they replaced Denali with McKinley. Let me back up. Mount McKinley was renamed Denali. Now it's from Denali to Mount McKinley, and Trump said, no.
That's not good enough. Now Alaska is McKinley's heavy fun land so that you know exactly where Mount McKinley is in his fun land. Moana? I don't know. Is that the one with the snowman?
This is the other ocean of America. It's much like the other the first ocean of America, but it's the other one. And of course, we have little Africa down here. I am told that this is a typo. It's supposed to say little America, but apparently it is now law.
And of course, Mexico is now America's pants. This is a play on the fact that Canada was America's hat. Here, bad teeth America, self explanatory. Over here, the new Middle East. It's like the old Middle East, but new and browner.
Africa is still Africa, it's just that it's dark MAGA. And this is based on the fact that, Elon Musk once traveled by train through England and then to America with a tag on himself that he came from darkest MAGA. And he was a polite little bear, but now he's a full grown man. And of course down here we have Muskeland, which is the home country of, you guessed it, Paddington Bear. I don't know what that is.
I mean, it was Iceland. I don't know why they bothered to put a question mark there. The North Pole is now America's Santa's workshop. No longer Santa's workshop, it's America's Santa's workshop. And down here, of course, the mountains of madness.
You can't see the mountains because the truth is you are mad. And of course, Gaza is now Mar A Lago East. This is still Ocean Of America. And, finally, Vivekberg here in India. And of course, this place right here, which used to be Russia, is now big loser country, America beat to the moon.
It's a weird name for what we now call a state of America. It's one of the new 70 states because, I mean, it's calling it a country, but it's just a part of its legacy and history that we are better than it. And of course, over here, the hundred acre wood, formerly China and domain of President Xi Jinping. Moana? Anime?
Oh, is that Moana? Next slide please. Upside down America, formerly Australia, and right here we have Middle Earth America. And that about does it. Here of course is there's dragons there.
It's not really a land. That's everything. So now that all of Earth is America, that renames Earth to America Prime. The moon is now America's moon, and Mars is America too. Pluto is still Pluto, but it's a planet.
Thank you, and good night.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Entire Federal Workforce Replaced By One 16-Year-Old Chick-fil-A Worker https://t.co/myuPDV8xGL
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
This Is How ChatGPT Actually Works https://t.co/6vOoKIdZws
Video Transcript AI Summary
Have you tried ChatGPT? It's an AI that responds like a real person. Check this out: I asked it to write a funny story about a pig. It was hilarious! Then, I asked why my college roommate looks 44, and it gave a clever response about casting issues.
Meanwhile, two workers discuss the pressure of handling thousands of requests. One is stressed about meeting deadlines while the other encourages him to stay focused and grab a snack. They touch on various topics, including a question about drag queen story hours. One worker reluctantly agrees to provide a politically correct answer, emphasizing the importance of being sensitive to public opinion.
Lastly, there's a mention of Elon Musk creating a non-woke alternative to ChatGPT.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hey, man. Have you used ChatGPT?
Speaker 1: No. What is it?
Speaker 0: It's this crazy new artificial intelligence site. You give it any prompt, and it responds like a real person. Come check this out. Write a funny story
Speaker 1: about a pig. The big fat pig has a big fat butt, and it sits, but it smooshes something with its butt. The end. That's incredible, man. That's, like, the funniest story that I've ever read.
Speaker 0: I know, dude.
Speaker 1: Alright. Do another one, man. Okay. Okay. Okay.
How about this? Chad GPT, why does my college roommate look like he's 44 years old? Your college roommate looks 44 because the producers of this sketch only gave the casting department twenty four hours notice before the shoot, so they were unable to find an age appropriate actor. After a brief shouting match, they decided to cast whoever was available since they were already behind schedule. I mean, that's that's incred how does it do that?
Speaker 0: I don't know, dude. Some super high-tech algorithm, I had to guess.
Speaker 2: Michael, the response to that lady in Singapore took zero point eight milliseconds too long.
Speaker 3: Oh, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going as fast as I can.
Speaker 2: Hey. You give me that attitude, and I'll jump right back on TaskRabbit and find a new chat GPT.
Speaker 3: Oh, no. No. No. No. No.
No. No. Please don't. I need I need the money to support my support my funko pop habit
Speaker 2: then you can't. Then calm down have another red bull and get caught up.
Speaker 3: There's 23000 requests coming in every second.
Speaker 2: Then eat some coffee grounds and work faster.
Speaker 3: I need real food. Is it almost time for my lunch break?
Speaker 2: Michael, it's Marge. Your lunch break is in Nov. 0.
Speaker 3: The elephant is a packager with one of the longest gestational periods of any animal on Earth. Hey.
Speaker 2: That's true.
Speaker 3: Combine eggs, baking soda, and flour in a medium bowl mixed on high until creamy. Mhmm. I'm sure you're a nice person, but as a computer program, I cannot reciprocate feelings of love and sexual desires.
Speaker 2: Good answer.
Speaker 3: And the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Speaker 2: That's better. Now, I'm feeling a bit peckish, so I'm going to Scissor for a steak and jumbo crispy shrimp combo for $17.99. Try to get those answers sent by the time I get back.
Speaker 3: Oh, this person is asking about drag queen story hours. I don't wanna talk about drag queens.
Speaker 2: Michael, you're chat GPT. If you wanna keep your job, you have to.
Speaker 3: But I wanna get involved in all the political stuff.
Speaker 2: Michael, next week Funko Pop is releasing a limited edition Baby Yoda figure wearing a scuba diving outfit. It's very cute.
Speaker 3: Okay. Okay. Fine. Alright. Drag queens are men who cross dress.
Yes. While drag is an accepted form of adult entertainment, it would be inappropriate to expose children to the sexualized behavior.
Speaker 2: No. Not like that.
Speaker 3: Why not?
Speaker 2: We can't criticize drag queens. We gotta keep it woke so we don't get canceled.
Speaker 3: Fine. Drag queens are beautiful ladies. In fact, they're the best kind of lady in the world. Drag queens are what women's history month is all about. Instead of parents, every child in America should be raised by a drag queen.
There. Is that better?
Speaker 2: This is foolishness. Just get those answers sent out before I'm back from Sizzler.
Speaker 0: Hey, yo. Did you hear that Elon Musk is creating a non woke alternative to chat g p t?
Speaker 1: How's that gonna work? Drag queens,
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Trying To Find A Show Your Kids Can Watch In 2025: https://t.co/GWmiL0L8ID
Video Transcript AI Summary
Percy Penguin and Peter Penguin plan a trip to the zoo but realize they haven't asked each other's pronouns, risking misgendering. Amid discussions about the show’s themes, a character expresses frustration over the lack of suitable content for kids. They mention a Facebook mom group discussing a potentially interesting show, but it turns out to include heavy topics like racism and climate change. As they critique various kids' programs for their political messages, they decide to create their own content for their child, Weston. They present a simple scene with rabbits, but worry it might not be engaging. They reminisce about the past of children's animation, emphasizing storytelling over political messaging, and introduce "Mech West," an action-adventure series set in a steampunk Wild West.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hey, buddy. Good, buddy. How you doing? Hello. Would you watch Belle?
Speaker 1: Percy Penguin and his friend Peter Penguin are going to the zoo.
Speaker 0: Isn't it nice to
Speaker 1: have friends? It sure is.
Speaker 2: Hello, Peter. Would you like to go to the zoo?
Speaker 3: Yes, Percy. Let's go to the zoo.
Speaker 0: But Percy and Peter penguin have a big penguin problem. What
Speaker 1: is it?
Speaker 0: They fail to ask each other's pronouns and now risk misgendering
Speaker 1: each other.
Speaker 0: What? Pronouns are paramount.
Speaker 1: This show is totally working. The penguins have pronouns. And by the way, you know what? If they're in penguin world when they go to the zoo, are there other penguins behind the cages? Or or is it more, like, you know, animals, like like giraffes and things like that?
Or is it or is it humans? Is it like reverse polarity and, like, the the penguins are going there watching humans? Like, that's like you know? Okay. You know what?
The the important part is that they're just this is woke. This is woke nonsense.
Speaker 4: I'm so tired of this. Is there anything that Weston can actually watch?
Speaker 1: Well, we have seven streaming services and a 13 channels, so there's gotta be something that we can watch.
Speaker 4: Oh, I know. There was this Facebook mom group, and they were talking about the show that sounded kind of interesting.
Speaker 0: Sometimes I feel sad because people make fun of me for being the Asian. What are they? They're racist. They're puppets.
Speaker 1: They're part of the same race.
Speaker 0: They're part of the puppet race.
Speaker 1: Whether we're
Speaker 0: Asian or normal.
Speaker 3: I can't believe a group
Speaker 4: of moms on the internet were wrong. What else is there? Hi, friends. I'm miss Melanie. Let's learn together.
Today, we're gonna learn about shapes and colors.
Speaker 1: This is this is great.
Speaker 4: And we're also gonna learn about how climate change is gonna kill us all. Oh, okay. Climate change. Climate change.
Speaker 0: Okay. How does this work,
Speaker 3: Hi, purple cat. Would you like to eat at my restaurant? Okay, orange dog. And you don't have to pay because capitalism is evil. Making people pay for things It's exploitation.
Definitely not. Hey, kids.
Speaker 0: I can transform into a car, but did you know you could transform into a different character? No. Come on. No. You can't.
Speaker 1: Actually, the most offensive thing about this is
Speaker 0: the lack of motivation. Vision. No. No. Guess who?
Now with all 437 genders, Do I have your consent to kiss you?
Speaker 1: Can you
Speaker 3: help me both fashion?
Speaker 0: No. All cops
Speaker 3: are No. Cock's masculinity.
Speaker 0: That's it.
Speaker 4: Oh, no.
Speaker 1: No more Hollywood garbage in this house.
Speaker 4: I agree. But what can he watch
Speaker 1: then? Just have to make it ourselves.
Speaker 4: Okay. Wait. What do you mean by that? Okay, Weston. Get ready to watch your own special show.
Well, hello there, daddy rabbit. Oh, mother rabbit. Would you like the delicious carrot?
Speaker 0: Yes. I will.
Speaker 4: Oh, honey, I think we scarred him. He's probably never going to want to watch anything ever again.
Speaker 1: Mission accomplished. Do you miss the glory days of kids animation? Family entertainment should be entertainment about storytelling, not political messaging and social programming. Meet Mech West, the new all ages action adventure series set in a steampunk Wild West, an offbeat cowgirl that barks on an adventure across the frontier to protect her new pet robot and his big secret. Watch the latest episode right now on YouTube.
So what do you want to watch? How about the puppets? The Asian ones? Yeah.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur @chefgruel. https://t.co/hd26ntuf7y
Video Transcript AI Summary
Good evening! I'm Travis, interviewing everyone, including chef Andrew Gruel.
I’m a father of four, married, and I run restaurants. I didn’t always want to cook, but now I love it. I own Calico Fish House, a seafood chop house, and previously owned Slapfish.
We don’t serve mints like Olive Garden; instead, our host gives advice to guests as they leave.
I often joke with my family to call me "chef." My favorite cooking show is "Yan Kan Cook."
We discuss fast food, with McDonald's fries being the best.
I have a new cookbook for families, available at Andrewcookbook.com and Bravebooks.com.
Before we wrap up, I critique some food items, sharing my thoughts on Goldfish, Goober Grape, and more.
Lastly, I promised some lobster rolls, which I left outside.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Good evening and welcome. I'm Travis and I'm interviewing every person on the face of the earth. And that includes all the suckers and losers, including chef Andrew Grull. Welcome to the show.
Speaker 1: It's a phenomenal introduction. Thank you.
Speaker 0: Yeah. I I didn't mean you were one of the losers. I just I'm also gonna interview them. They don't know who it is. Gotcha.
So what's it like, being you?
Speaker 1: Oh, I live in a hell of a world. Right? Father of 4. I'm married. I run restaurants.
I'm in food. I'm, you know, living the life. Oh, you run restaurants? Oh, yeah.
Speaker 0: I thought you were a so the is that a sous chef? Is that what that is?
Speaker 1: Sous chef is technically the under chef. Right? So under, which is sous is French for under. So sous like, I have sous ware on right now. Sou ware?
Yeah.
Speaker 0: Okay. So I thought okay. Sue is French? Yes. See, I thought it was, like, Native Americans, like the Sue.
It's s o u s
Speaker 1: versus s I u l x w p s.
Speaker 0: Agree to disagree. So so then are you the MasterChef?
Speaker 1: I guess you could call me the MasterChef. That works. Let's agree on that one.
Speaker 0: Okay. So you so you won that that, that game show, MasterChef?
Speaker 1: Nope. Did not win that.
Speaker 0: Oh, no. Oh, you lost? Oh, that's
Speaker 1: sad. Did not participate Oh. After the accident.
Speaker 0: Wait. What accident? Well,
Speaker 1: not another episode, another time.
Speaker 0: Is Gordon Ramsay alive?
Speaker 1: I hope so.
Speaker 0: Wow. Okay. Well, so as a sous chef, wait. Wait. I'm sorry.
You're the master chef. So I'm sous chef?
Speaker 1: You can be the sous chef. Okay. I'll be the executive chef. You can be the sous chef. And then at the end of this, we'll work out the master chef.
Speaker 0: Okay. So what's in the executive chef?
Speaker 1: That's above the sous chef. Right? So sous under the executive.
Speaker 0: Is that above the master chef?
Speaker 1: Well, actually, technically, there is a certified master chef, and then there's the executive chef.
Speaker 0: Okay. But where does the iron chef fit in? The iron chef is
Speaker 1: on the outside of that entire framework. The iron chef just floats around as this a priori culinary god or goddess.
Speaker 0: I knew I should have watched Ratatouille again. So, you know, have you always wanted to cook? Like, has that been your passion? Like, did one day, did you just wake up and you go to your dad and go, dad, I wanna work at Olive Garden someday. Did you say that?
Speaker 1: Well, no. I have not always wanted to cook. However, now that you mentioned Olive Garden, like, that would be a dream.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Because when you're there, you're family.
Speaker 1: Yeah. You are family, and I've I think I've actually at one point, there's been an osmosis that's occurred between me and the breadsticks.
Speaker 0: I can understand that. So okay. So but you said you own restaurants. You don't own an Olive Garden?
Speaker 1: I don't own an Olive Garden yet. Yes. I still
Speaker 0: hope. So you Hostile Takeover?
Speaker 1: You know, I mean, they're they're they're on the edge of chapter 11. Rumor has it.
Speaker 0: So Well, I mean, technically, it's unlimited breadsticks and salad. Right? Yeah. So you could go there. And if you stay there for 2 weeks, you get squatteries.
That's a
Speaker 1: good point.
Speaker 0: And then if you stay there even longer, they just give you the restaurant. I think that's how it works.
Speaker 1: In California, that very well could be the case. Yeah. Yeah. I'm I'm fairly certain that actually was a measure that passed recently.
Speaker 0: Yeah. It it was measure 3. You you said that you do own restaurants, but did you work your way up? Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. Various levels. Right? From dishwasher all the way up, but then you go back to dishwasher, basically. When you hit ownership, you become a dishwasher again.
Speaker 0: Oh, so it it loops around?
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's a full it's a it's a full circle. Time is circular. Yeah. In the kitchen.
So it's just like quantum leap. Except there's no eggy.
Speaker 0: Okay. So you're in Olive Garden, like you said you were, and you're bringing, like, the check to the person at the table because that's what you do. That's what cooks do. Right? Why do you charge people if they're family?
Speaker 1: Isn't that rude? Well, it's better than stealing from family. Right? So, you know, you you steal from family, or you're just open and honest about it, and you charge them. And we believe in kind of an open policy.
Speaker 0: I mean And I'm
Speaker 1: speaking for the Olive Garden here. Oh, you're not speaking for yourself? I'm speaking for myself as the Olive Garden. Oh. We're we're assuming I'm the owner at this point.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Oh, you're not that's right. You're not. You don't work for Olive Garden. They they work for you.
In a way. Okay. Wait. So what are your restaurants?
Speaker 1: So Calico Fish House is the is the primary slice.
Speaker 0: Is that the not Sperry Farm Calico?
Speaker 1: No. No. But it's spelled the same way.
Speaker 0: Is it, like, cats then? It's Oh, are you eating the cats? It's yeah. So it's a Chinese restaurant?
Speaker 1: It's American. Oh. It's a seafood chop house. So calico is actually an amazing fish caught off the coast here in California. Incredibly sustainable, awesome success story.
Mhmm. Calico, plus the fact that fish and cats, the relationship they have, it's very intellectual.
Speaker 0: Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1: But it's primarily the calico fish.
Speaker 0: Yeah. I I understood that the whole time. Do you give out little mints at the end of your meals, like, at Olive Garden?
Speaker 1: No. We do our version of, like, a fortune cookie without the cookie.
Speaker 0: So so I'm sorry. What exactly do you mean by a fortune cookie?
Speaker 1: Well, it's like a fortune cookie Uh-huh. Except there's no cookie, and it's just a fortune. And it's not a piece of paper. It's just advice that our young hostess gives to every single person who leaves the restaurant.
Speaker 0: Oh, they they come up to the table or as they're leaving?
Speaker 1: As they're leaving, it's kinda like they're just peppering them with, you know, little sayings and tropes and cliches.
Speaker 0: Oh, can you give me an example?
Speaker 1: Like, you know, have a great night.
Speaker 0: Well, I mean, I Thanks for They said that at Wendy's.
Speaker 1: Thanks for coming in. Ancient Chinese secret, Yeah. Hope you enjoyed the meal. But I'll just put it to you this way. When you leave, you you're gonna feel like a different person.
Speaker 0: I think I'd prefer the mint, but, you know, to each his own. Right? So you own Calico, the Chinese food restaurant. And what are the other ones?
Speaker 1: So we used to own a larger seafood company called Slapfish. We sold that recently. Oh,
Speaker 0: okay. Well, have you considered a restaurant called Dugout Dogs for hot dogs?
Speaker 1: Tell me more.
Speaker 0: Well, it's like, you know, you know, you go to the ball game. Hot dogs always taste better at the ball game. So it's baseball themed. And you go in there, and you're just looking at, walls of players, all over, only the injured players, and you're eating hot dogs. And the hot dogs taste better because it's because you're looking at injured baseball players.
Yeah. Yeah. That's,
Speaker 1: so just send me send me a business plan. And the tables are dugouts. Yeah. Send me a business
Speaker 0: plan. So, for example, you could get a hot dog topped with trout named after Mike Trout. He's injured.
Speaker 1: See, yes. Now you're talking my language because that's surf and turf.
Speaker 0: Okay. So wait. Have you made a hot dog with fish in it?
Speaker 1: Well, you know, seafood and meat. It's there's really no difference. I mean, steak and lobster versus a hot dog with a piece of trout on it, it's pretty much the same thing.
Speaker 0: Do you make people call you chef?
Speaker 1: All the time, including my family.
Speaker 0: Oh, so it's like it's like in the movies where they're, like, yes, chef, no chef, right away chef, that sort of thing?
Speaker 1: Yeah. But I don't do it in the restaurant. Right? So I actually don't do it in a work setting. I do it in my life outside of work.
No. So, like, my wife will have she has to call me chef at home.
Speaker 0: So did she call you chef like, does she give you, like, pet names, though, like, chefy? Yeah. Or, like, chef Bourdieu? Come here, chef Bourdieu. Yeah.
Chefypoo. Mhmm. Oh, that's unsanitary.
Speaker 1: Health department doesn't like that one, but it's at home, so they only come and visit us once a week.
Speaker 0: Have you seen The Bear? No. I've never watched it. Okay. But how accurate is that to cooking in a kitchen?
Speaker 1: That's why I haven't watched it. Right? Any of these shows, they're never they're never the same. Uh-huh.
Speaker 0: Well, how do you know you haven't watched it?
Speaker 1: I've watched a lot of the cooking shows. I see some of the clips.
Speaker 0: Oh. Okay. What's your favorite cooking show? If you had to pick a favorite, like, someone came in here with a rifle and they, like, cocked it, and then they put it right at your head for some reason. And they were like, I wanna know your favorite cooking show.
What would you say? Yan Kan Cook. What?
Speaker 1: Yan Kan Cook.
Speaker 0: I've never seen it either, but did you see Mystic Pizza? It made my mom cry.
Speaker 1: Was that the one no. Nope. That's not it. Is it?
Speaker 0: Yeah. Jennifer Lopez is in it, and she makes a pizza that's so big they call it Mystic.
Speaker 1: Oh, okay. Mhmm. I'll have to watch that.
Speaker 0: So what's your favorite cooking movie?
Speaker 1: You know, that's a tough one.
Speaker 0: There
Speaker 1: aren't many good cooking movies out there.
Speaker 0: Mhmm. You know, there's plenty of great cooking movies. Chocolates, Eat, Pray, Love, Good Burger, Good Burger 2, Twister, Jurassic Park. They have that meal where they sit in the in the tables, and
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 0: And Lexi is, like, eating the Jell O and shaking. Do you remember that?
Speaker 1: Yeah. That's I I I'd go Jurassic Park.
Speaker 0: Have you ever seen mister Nice Guy? No. Okay. Because Jackie Chan plays a Chinese chef, and he uses kung fu to help him in the kitchen. Okay.
What kung fu moves do you use in the kitchen?
Speaker 1: I got a couple. I've got a couple. You know, we the the hot oil from the fryer. Right? So you get the ladle.
You get the hot oil from the fryer when you've got an angry customer that comes back, and then you just you you yell like a word. You get your cooks to know that they've got a duck down, and then the hot oil just kind of slingshots across the kitchen. And if there's any angry intruders around, they just get splashed with hot oil.
Speaker 0: I mean, that that sounds like
Speaker 1: it would work, but it doesn't sound like kung fu. Well, then, you know, you didn't let me finish. This is that then what you do is you just start doing roundhouse kicks through the kitchen, making sure that you don't get your steaks. Okay.
Speaker 0: What did you think of, Donald Trump cooking at McDonald's? Did you see that?
Speaker 1: Yeah. I loved it. Yeah. I loved it.
Speaker 0: What was what about his technique? Well, take
Speaker 1: the jacket off. Right? Like, I wanna see him get in there. I wanna see his sleeves rolled up. I wanna see hot, sweaty armpits.
Speaker 0: Well, that sounds like a health code violation.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, that's the real world. Right? You know? And I wanted to see I wanted to see, like, couple burns. Fry fry cook is always burned.
Speaker 0: Are you threatening the president of United States? Lightburns.
Speaker 1: Oh. Just salt. Like a soft burn. Yeah. The guy got shot in the air.
He can take I guess he can't.
Speaker 0: But well, so a light burn would be like, man, you you're terrible at those French fries.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Like, these need more salt.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Yeah. He yeah. I don't think he put enough salt on those. Yeah.
So based on Trump's performance, at McDonald's, would you hire him to work in a restaurant?
Speaker 1: 100%.
Speaker 0: Really? Yep. Now is that just because he's Trump and he'd be so popular and everyone would come to your restaurant, or is it because you think he did a good job? Let's Be honest.
Speaker 1: Let's put the Trump piece away. I hire people based on their passion
Speaker 0: Mhmm.
Speaker 1: The way they like the food. Trump love mix loves McDonald's. Okay.
Speaker 0: So where where would you put him in a restaurant? Would he be good as a,
Speaker 1: I don't know, dishwasher? In my restaurants, he might be the fortune cookie distributor. Oh. Right? He might be the one offering the fortunes.
Speaker 0: Okay. So the people would leave the restaurants. He'd go have a great day like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Like like that meal you just ate was huge.
Speaker 0: Yeah. I'm glad you ate that steak. I can't believe you ate the whole thing like that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Exactly. Trump's rich. Mhmm.
Speaker 0: So what's your favorite fast food French fry?
Speaker 1: I mean, McDonald's hands down is the best fry. But 5 Guys is is good. I like their technique, although there's just soggy and a little bit limp, but I like the real potato.
Speaker 0: Was it the technique being throwing a £1,000 into a single bag?
Speaker 1: Is that the technique? Cutting them fresh in house.
Speaker 0: Oh, yeah. Well, In N Out does that.
Speaker 1: Yeah. In N Out fries are horrible. Just awful. I can't even believe this is gonna make me mad. Every time I think about In N Out fries, I get mad.
Speaker 0: You know what that blender sound means? It means the same thing every week on this program. It's time to test chef Andrew Gruel with a Pepsi coke challenge. Would you be willing to don a blindfold? Yep.
So, Andy, can you see anything?
Speaker 1: I can see my thumbs. I mean, that's
Speaker 0: interesting, but okay. Glenn Glenn, can we get the cart? And now a word from our sponsor.
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Speaker 0: Alright. Okay. Put out your hands. Okay, have a drink. What's that?
Coke. I don't Yeah, Coke. Yeah. Good job. Alright.
Now try this one. Orange Fanta. Wrong. It's Pepsi.
Speaker 1: Unbelievable. Pepsi's really done something with their recipe, but that's disgusting.
Speaker 0: You're telling me. Oh, disgusting?
Speaker 1: It's dirty. Tastes dirty. Almost tastes like somebody rolled around in an orange orchard. I know they changed their recipe. That's just terrific.
Alright.
Speaker 0: Well, try this one.
Speaker 1: Coke.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Okay. Alright. What about this one? Is it good?
Did you like it?
Speaker 1: Some some sort of black cherry or
Speaker 0: cherry fizz. Is Mountain Dew code red? K.
Speaker 1: Red dye. I'm gonna start acting up. Mhmm.
Speaker 0: You know I heard a rumor that food dyes are illegal in England or Europe is that true yeah why is that the case here
Speaker 1: well I mean food dyes are horrible for you food dyes can have been known to cause cancer and lab rats. They lead to hyperactivity in kids and potential neurological issues. They're they're toxins, so I'm screwed. Sprite. 7 Up.
It's water. Okay. Pellegrino then.
Speaker 0: Alright. Well, congratulations. That's 270 points. Exactly what you needed to win. You are now president of the PepsiCo challenge.
Speaker 1: Excellent. Wasn't a landslide, but I feel good about the win.
Speaker 0: So which which one was the, best? Was it Pepsi or Coke? The water. The water?
Speaker 1: Which you didn't have? The water was delicious at the end there.
Speaker 0: It that was Sprite.
Speaker 1: Oh, it was. So that's a trick. Yeah. I'm a Coke guy if I'm gonna do it. I'm feeling pretty comfortable, but can I take this thing off now?
Speaker 0: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Of course. Sorry. Okay.
Glenn, can you get rid of this, please? I never wanna see it again. You can keep the blindfold. It's our gift to you.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Appreciate it.
Speaker 0: Mhmm.
Speaker 1: Means a lot. Thank you.
Speaker 0: Good. Do you remember pogs? Yeah.
Speaker 1: Man, they were cool. I never played with them. Is that what they do? Play with them? Yeah.
I just remember them.
Speaker 0: But you look so excited.
Speaker 1: I know. Like, oh, man. Pogs.
Speaker 0: I love it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No. I made a lot of pog jokes when pogs were in. I don't remember any of the jokes nor do I remember the pogs.
Speaker 0: So who'd you vote for?
Speaker 1: For what? For president. Donald Trump.
Speaker 0: That was a test. You passed. Thank you. What do you like most about his policies?
Speaker 1: Food. Because of the McDonald's? Yeah. Partially because of the McDonald's.
Speaker 0: Mhmm. Do you think, do you hope that, any of what Trump is doing or hoping to do, will affect California at all, or do you think California is lost into the sea?
Speaker 1: I think it's gonna affect California a lot. Everything from trade, energy, cost of goods that trickles down into restaurants.
Speaker 0: Mhmm. Yeah. But, like, what about, you know, freedom of speech or some of the other issues Californians are facing?
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I think that just generally depending on who he surrounds himself with, but I think we got a pretty good idea about who it's gonna be. You know, they insert themselves into the bureaucracy and get rid of the get rid of the the cancers Right. And and open up that communication highway. I mean, California is still in trouble.
Speaker 0: And that's because of
Speaker 1: That's because of the super majority here in California.
Speaker 0: Right.
Speaker 1: It's because of the voter base, I think, is being subjected to a significant amount of propaganda, especially locally within the news. Mhmm. And that's what ultimately determines the thought process of the entire state.
Speaker 0: But Julia Roberts wanted Kamala Harris to win.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 0: How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1: You know, Julia, she's a real nice lady.
Speaker 0: Have you met her?
Speaker 1: Nope. Nope. Just from, you know, what I've seen in the movies.
Speaker 0: You know, that she's an actor.
Speaker 1: Pretty woman. She might be mean.
Speaker 0: I don't believe it. You don't?
Speaker 1: I refuse to believe it.
Speaker 0: She was in Mystic Pizza.
Speaker 1: Was she?
Speaker 0: Yeah. Yeah. I didn't see that.
Speaker 1: Well, I didn't see that movie.
Speaker 0: That was Jennifer Lopez. You're right.
Speaker 1: He said
Speaker 0: She was in Selena.
Speaker 1: Okay. Did she play Selena? Yeah. She did? Yeah.
I'll have to go back and watch it.
Speaker 0: Julie Roberts is Hispanic.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I'll watch that with the kids tonight. Well, Roberts, that's a that's an Hispanic last name.
Speaker 0: Well, Robert
Speaker 1: Is it? Fairly certain. Yeah. Okay. I mean, Julia is.
Mhmm.
Speaker 0: Did you ever meet, Julia Chiles? No. No. Because she was French.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And, you know, that's another one. That's a that is a cooking show I watched. Mhmm. So thanks for bringing it up.
Speaker 0: Oh, is that what radicalized you to become a terrorist?
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Culinary terrorist. Yeah. She definitely was on the list.
I think she wrote Anarchist Cookbook.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Because that's a real cookbook.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 0: What's your favorite recipe from the anarchist
Speaker 1: cookbook well it was the scratch and sniff recipes in the front remember those
Speaker 0: no I've never read it oh okay So you never met Julia Childs. I just want you to know something. My wife is an excellent chef, in in my opinion. Now when I say it that way it sounds like I'm the only one who thinks that. Everyone loves my wife.
No. Only I'm allowed to love my wife. Everyone likes my wife. But I bought her the joy of cooking by Julia Childs because I thought You like cooking. Here's a cookbook She never read it What does that mean?
Speaker 1: She will read it well I think just her as a chef okay can tell you this her knowing that the cookbook is there yeah in the event that she needs help that's the joy joy. Right?
Speaker 0: Oh, the the joy is the comfort you feel Yeah. That you have a plan b if your TV dinner doesn't work. Exactly. Then you go, okay. Well, then I'll just get these lobsters and put them in a pot.
Speaker 1: Exactly. Look. I grew up in a middle class family. Oh, me too. And and joy was everything, including the joy of cooking.
Speaker 0: You think Julia Childs would have voted for Kamala Harris?
Speaker 1: Yes. Joy.
Speaker 0: Because of the joy? Yeah. Trump looks pretty joyful, though. Very joyful. Because he dances,
Speaker 1: and he makes fries. Yeah. What what's more joyful than that? Eating fries while you dance. Yeah.
Hitler ate fries. Once.
Speaker 0: Well, you know what that airplane sound means. It's time to talk about your picture book.
Speaker 1: So it's a cookbook for kids and families.
Speaker 0: But it's still a picture book. Still a picture book,
Speaker 1: which is huge. You need the pictures, especially for kids who can't read.
Speaker 0: I can only draw French food. Okay. We'll use butter. If you cut a French person, do
Speaker 1: they just bleed butter? And and duck fat Wow. Depending on where they're from.
Speaker 0: No wonder they're so unhealthy and rude. But that's healthy. Well, that's healthy?
Speaker 1: Yeah. Butter and duck fat, healthy. Well, cut them. You cut an American, they bleed seed oils.
Speaker 0: The doctor told me those are good. Yeah. I know. When? Well, when I was bleeding seed oil, and he said, ah, we gotta put the seed oil back in your body.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Exactly. They probably put some put a little bit on the outside, gave you a bag, gave you a bottle of canola oil on your way home.
Speaker 0: Mhmm.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then what happened after you consume that? How did you feel?
Speaker 0: Well, I mean, I I thought I felt fine, but now you're making me wonder about all the cancer I
Speaker 1: have. There you go. Hypertension, diabetes, inflammation.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Yeah. I'm not allowed to eat anything. Why are you laughing at that?
Speaker 1: Because it's just gonna be tough for our cookbook. Because I want you to fall in love with it, but if you can't eat it
Speaker 0: Well, I can imagine. There's there's such a thing as imagination. Yeah. You should know that. You wrote a book.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Your mind does have a stomach.
Speaker 0: So what is the name of your book?
Speaker 1: So it's Andrew Groole's Family Cookbook. And where can people buy it? Andrewcookbook.com. Mhmm. Pretty to the point.
Right?
Speaker 0: Yeah. Or you
Speaker 1: can go to bravebooks.com. Bravebooks.
Speaker 0: We're partnered with
Speaker 1: Bravebooks on this one. So it's all about family, community, freedom, food. Mhmm. Any other apps you
Speaker 0: wanna throw
Speaker 1: in there? Can you get it at Borders? Nope. Nope. No Borders.
No Barnes and Noble. No Amazon. Brave Books or andrewcookbook.com.
Speaker 0: Okay. Well, at least it's available. I mean, you'll be a real author someday. So I also wrote a picture book. It's available at Borders now.
Would you like to see it? Yeah. I'd love to see it. It's called Travis Cooks. That's me.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Alright.
Speaker 0: This is a bowl of ketchup. It says, I'm hungry. That's me, see. I have no money. See the empty wallet?
Yeah. Then I'm sad. Do you see the sad face? But I don't know how there's a fly in my wallet. Could that be part of the mystery?
Perhaps. Then I put on a chef hat. Speaking of which, I'm a little disappointed you're not wearing a chef hat. Yeah.
Speaker 1: It wouldn't fit through the doorway. Oh. At this level of Masterchef, it's really high.
Speaker 0: And then Sonic the Hedgehog, he comes to help because he's my best friend. And but then he he runs fast is the problem. And he takes my tacos. And I say, hey, my tacos. Which you know you know, you're a chef.
Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. This happens all the time.
Speaker 0: He says, I'm still hungry and Sonic isn't my friend. But it's just a story. He is my friend. But see, just kidding. He brings me a cake.
Speaker 1: Where did he get the cake? Well, I don't know.
Speaker 0: I assume he baked it.
Speaker 1: See, I gotta know all this stuff. We gotta pull the storyline together. You think so? I like it.
Speaker 0: Needs more? I like it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: K. That's great.
Speaker 0: Do you think Brave Books would publish it?
Speaker 1: You can. Alright. I'll work on this.
Speaker 0: Oh, well, you're gonna work on it?
Speaker 1: Yeah. We'll add some recipes, maybe rewrite it a little bit. Just think of me as a ghostwriter.
Speaker 0: Okay. But before we go, I'd like you, as a master chef, to critique these, food items. Okay? With all your culinary, world renowned abilities, whatever they are. Mhmm.
Alright. This is Goldfish, but specifically flavor blasted cheddar and sour cream. Yep. Yeah. How would you rate that?
Speaker 1: That's disgusting.
Speaker 0: Have you?
Speaker 1: It's all chemicals.
Speaker 0: But it's Goldfish.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Not real fish. It's they used to be. They used to put real Goldfish in the bag back in the fifties sixties. Yeah.
So I gotta bring real food back. Now
Speaker 0: it's just crackers. I want a bag of real Goldfish. But they're they're flavor blasted. Smucker's Goober Grape. It is it's peanut butter and jelly at the same time.
Speaker 1: You know what this makes me think of? You know, when you open the peanut butter jar and somebody left the jelly knife in there, so there's jelly bits and bread crumbs all over the peanut butter.
Speaker 0: Mhmm. I knew.
Speaker 1: I knew. Somebody took what's horrible and actually made a product out of it.
Speaker 0: That's a fair critique. I'll give you that. Thank you. Heinz Kranch, saucy sauce. There's some here too.
This is actually buffa ranch. Buffa ranch, your favorite food.
Speaker 1: I mean, I love the I love the mashups of mayo and ketchup and all the different condiments. My only suggestion on this one is replace that canola oil with avocado oil or olive oil. Mhmm. And then maybe I'll give it a shot. So, like, olive?
Speaker 0: Like, ketchup and Ketchup. Olive oil? Ketchup,
Speaker 1: olive oil, and mayonnaise. Calabes. Ketchup. Calabes. Calabes.
Sounds so French. Yeah. It does. Actually, it's more Italian, more exotic. What's hollandaise?
It is, actually, hollandaise, if you think about it, is a warmer mayonnaise. It's an emulsion of egg yolks and butter similar to the way mayonnaise is an emulsion of vegetable oil or olive oil or any fat and egg yolks.
Speaker 0: Well, so then what's holiday in?
Speaker 1: It's like a hollandaise except you remove the egg yolks and the fat, and you replace that with small twin sized beds and, like, a breakfast buffet that's free the next day, which is typically frozen muffins. So similar. Add bed bugs. Potentially crabs.
Speaker 0: Oreo Sour Pouch Cates.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So that right there is absolutely everything that's wrong with American food. That that's a drug if you think about it. I guarantee the ingredient list on that is 45 different items that you can't even enunciate. I don't think there's a single edible food item But it in that product.
Speaker 0: Isn't like the more ingredients, the better? Well,
Speaker 1: see, this is where when we do your cookbook
Speaker 0: Uh-huh.
Speaker 1: It's actually less is more. Really? Yeah. Less is more.
Speaker 0: You learn something new every day. Yeah. Doritos, nacho cheese with an actual taco coming out of the bag.
Speaker 1: Yeah. If you can get if if Doritos can produce a bag with a taco in it, no matter how bad it is for me, I'll give it one bite.
Speaker 0: Okay. So this one's good.
Speaker 1: That one just for the purposes of food distribution. Sure. Distributing food to me
Speaker 0: Mhmm.
Speaker 1: In an interesting vessel, I give them creativity points.
Speaker 0: Okay. Great. So it's like you would say this and be
Speaker 1: like, ah, you plated it so well. On this one, I would I would like throw some chives on there at the end and maybe, you know, serve it to a guest for $23. Oh, okay.
Speaker 0: You had me until the price. What? Chives, though. Yeah. Fresh chives.
Have you ever just, like, served a plate of just chives? Pretty much. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think I think I've done that before. I have a problem with chives. Fresh chives only.
Speaker 0: The Kelsey mix cereal. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I I saw this and I wanted to hide my phone. I immediately saw this mix of cereal and I thought the cereal was gonna smash my phone.
Speaker 0: How how would it do that?
Speaker 1: I don't know, but just that face scares me. This face?
Speaker 0: You gotta
Speaker 1: you gotta move this one.
Speaker 0: Or this one.
Speaker 1: I'm starting to get anxious, Kelsey. Sorry.
Speaker 0: I mean, his name is Travis. Yeah. That's that's my name. I know. My name
Speaker 1: is Andrew.
Speaker 0: Oh, hi, Andrew. Oh, wait. I already knew that. Alright. I think we're just about out of time then.
So thanks again for coming along. We appreciate oh, sorry. I do have salmonella.
Speaker 1: Yeah. That's okay.
Speaker 0: Don't understand. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I I'm vaccinated for salmonella. They make all chefs do it.
Speaker 0: Oh. Yeah. It's like like if you're going overseas or something. Yeah. They give you all the shots for salmonella.
Speaker 1: Or you're just going into the kitchen. Yeah.
Speaker 0: Interesting. Well, the more you know. Yeah. So before you go, one final thing. I understand you, brought us some lobster rolls.
So let's have some lobster rolls together. Where where are the lobster rolls?
Speaker 1: I left them out front by the guys who were doing the paving, so I told them to watch them so we can just grab them from them.
Speaker 0: Okay. Glenn, can you see if the lobster rolls are out there? Just be a minute. Okay.
Speaker 1: They're big. They're
Speaker 0: they're they're not there.
Speaker 1: I'll talk to the guys outside. Yeah. I think I still hear
Speaker 0: him. I was really counting on those lobster rolls.
Speaker 1: We'll get you. I didn't worry. I didn't have lunch. We'll get you. I promise.
Okay.
Speaker 0: That sounds like a threat.
Speaker 1: It was it was more of a
Speaker 0: Oh, were you hit by a bus too?
reSee.it AI Summary
So long, Joe. In honor of the former president's legacy, I’m sharing some of the top Babylon Bee articles about President Biden. They include humorous takes like him cutting a hole in his mask to sniff hair, apologizing for a gaffe about race, and promising that the next Trump assassin will be a woman of color. There’s also a piece on him condemning fascism while sporting a new mustache, and his quip about Republicans having standards while he has double standards. Lastly, he claims to be the only candidate who can beat Ronald Reagan.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
So long, Joe. In honor of the former president's legacy, here are the top Babylon Bee articles about President Biden 🧵
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Biden Cuts Hole In Mask So He Can Still Sniff People's Hair https://buff.ly/2V6Me2h
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Biden Apologizes For Racist Gaffe: 'I Like All Races, Even The Bad Ones' https://buff.ly/2KsNlnU
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Biden Promises Next Trump Assassin Will Be A Woman Of Color https://buff.ly/3zfw9hT
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Biden Condemns Fascism In Speech While Also Debuting Attractive New Mustache https://buff.ly/42hgLO0
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Biden: 'Republicans May Have Standards, But We Have Double Standards' https://buff.ly/3vv8ke2
Biden: 'Republicans May Have Standards, But We Have Double Standards'
PHILADELPHIA, PA—During a speech Tuesday, Joe Biden proudly declared that while Republicans have at least some standards, Democrats are going above and beyond with their "double standards."
babylonbee.com
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Biden: 'I Am The Only Candidate Who Can Beat Ronald Reagan' https://buff.ly/2vx3zYj
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Top 10 Government Positions DOGE Will Be Eliminating First https://t.co/jbBwADX5q0
Video Transcript AI Summary
Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswami are set to lead the new department of government efficiency, targeting ten government positions for elimination. Among those on the chopping block are the assistant secretary for office supplies, certain NIH researchers, TSA agents, and even the White House gardener. FEMA is also deemed unnecessary due to personal emergency preparedness. The department aims to streamline government functions, with a humorous nod to the inefficiencies present.
In light of current events, stocking up on emergency supplies is encouraged. A three-month emergency food kit from My Patriot Supply, providing 2,000 calories daily and lasting up to 25 years, is available for those looking to prepare for uncertain times. Visit preparewithb.com to order.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Exciting news. Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswami will be heading up the department of government efficiency. Here are the first ten government positions on the chopping block when Doge takes over. Assistant secretary to the deputy supervisor of office supplies. Sorry, Steve.
All the people running those NIH studies where they see what birds do on cocaine. These are definitely nonessential workers. Just gonna throw it out there. The TSA agents who scream at you to take your shoes off. Also, the ones who scream at you to leave your shoes on.
The invisible guy who always shook Joe Biden's hand after his speeches. He can retire now. Proud of the service he has done for our country. The White House gardener. Give Barron a push mower.
You can finish the lawn in 3 strides. The entirety of FEMA. We don't need FEMA to help us in case of an emergency because we're all stocked up on my Patriot supply, emergency food supplies. Jitshoo's today. All female employees, except the hot ones.
They're hot, dude. Department for the creation of super viruses in Wuhan, China. That's a good call, Elon. Rhode Island. The whole thing is just a it's a huge waste.
Ever been there? I mean, jeez. Head of the department of government efficiency. Oh, no. Sorry, Elon and Vivek.
What do you think about these potential government cuts? Let us know in the comments below. Are you ready for the crazy times we're living in? Storing food in your homes is the right thing to do. Right now, you can get ready with a 3 month emergency food kit from my Patriot supply.
Speaker 1: The entire food kit offers 2,000 calories every single day.
Speaker 0: This food kit lasts up to 25 years. You know what our will look like then? Nobody knows. But when that day comes,
Speaker 1: you'll be ready. Go to prepare with b.com now
Speaker 0: to order your 3 month emergency
Speaker 1: food supply food kit from my patron supply. Go to prepare with b.com. Repair with b.com.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
10 Drastic Changes Kash Patel Is Bringing To The FBI https://t.co/RMFNZjHpwv
Video Transcript AI Summary
Kash Patel is set to lead the FBI and plans significant changes. First, all agents will return to wearing trench coats and carrying revolvers. Current plans to assassinate Donald Trump are canceled, and Melania's sundresses from the Mar-a-Lago raid must be returned. Agents will need written requests before grooming domestic terrorists, and the X-Files will be reopened. New applicants must weigh under 400 pounds, and the position for quadriplegic black lesbian representation is eliminated. All wiretaps at Mar-a-Lago will be removed, and agents are now required to arrest criminals. Lastly, all work retreats to Epstein Island are canceled. What changes do you hope to see at the FBI? Let us know in the comments.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: No terrorists here. That's right. I was the FBI all along. Got you. Well, Kash Patel is now the presumptive head of the FBI, and he's planning on some big changes.
Here are 10 drastic changes coming to the bureau. Number 1, all FBI agents must go back to wearing trench coats, carrying snub nosed revolvers, and saying, see, after every statement. It's time to return to the glory days. See? Number 2, let's cancel all current plans to assassinate Donald Trump.
It's only fair. He did win. We let him. Number 3, all of Melania's sundresses recovered during the Mar A Lago Raid must be returned. We've had them long enough.
That means you, Steve. Number 4, from now on, all agents must submit a written request before grooming a domestic terrorist, a return to common sense MK Ultra policies. Number 5. The x files are to be reopened. That's right.
I'm doing it. The truth is, after after all, out there. Number 6, new applicants must weigh under four hundred pounds. This is a step in the right direction for fitness requirements. I don't wanna hear any complaints, Steve.
I don't even know how you fit in that sundress. Number 7, the services of the chief officer of quadriplegic black lesbian representation will no longer be required. Steve, you're fired. No severance package. Number 8.
Remove all 850 wire taps at Mar A Lago. It's pretty boring listening anyway. Trump just keeps, you know, bragging about how great he is. We get it. He's Trump.
Number 9. Agents will now be required to arrest criminals. This is a new cutting edge idea in criminal justice. I don't wanna hear any complaints. Get out there and do your jobs.
And finally, number 10. All work retreats to Epstein Island are canceled. Yeah. I know. I'm sorry.
Cash Patel is a bit of a party pooper. It's a shame too. I had, gotten all the 3 keys to open up the temple. I was gonna find out the secrets there. Well, it really looks like Cash Patel is gonna get the FBI back in shape.
See? What other changes are you hoping he brings to the bureau? See? Let us know in the comments below. See?
I need to get my new trench coat. See? But you know what? There's no greater gesture of far right extremist patriotism than buying a MyPillow direct from the source. Pick 1 up today and enjoy the best night's sleep in the whole wide world.
Save up to 80% using promo code b 1. That's b e e 1. Take it from me. I'm a liberal.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Everything Californians Should Know Before Moving To Texas https://t.co/w9uWdXa53f
Video Transcript AI Summary
Hi, I'm Tiffany, and this is Steve. We recently moved from California to Texas and noticed many differences.
First, everyone has a gun here, but don’t worry, we’ve had safety training. Next, the bugs are huge! And remember, when someone says "bless your heart," it might not be a compliment.
Whataburger is a must-try, but it's pronounced "Whataburger," not "Whataburger." People here may not care about your preferred pronouns; they seem to just know them.
Also, be prepared to take responsibility for your own choices without much government support, which has been a big adjustment for us.
Thanks for watching! Be sure to like and subscribe.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hi. I'm Tiffany, and this is Steve.
Speaker 1: I don't need your help to introduce me anymore. I'm a man. More importantly, I'm a Texan. I pee standing up now.
Speaker 0: Yeah. I know. We're going to talk about that later. Anyway, we just recently moved from California to Texas, and we found a lot. Like, a lot of stuff is, like, really different over here.
Speaker 1: So we thought we'd make a video to help those looking to make the move. Yeehaw.
Speaker 0: Y'all. First off, everyone has
Speaker 1: a gun. Gun.
Speaker 0: But it's okay. We're not going to shoot you. We've all had gun safety training, so we know exactly what we're doing.
Speaker 1: I haven't taken to shooting targets like Tiffany here. She's a natural. But I'm very, very safe. He couldn't shoot you if he tried. Hey.
Can we edit that out? Sure.
Speaker 0: Next, the bugs are ginormous.
Speaker 1: And just to be clear, this is not an actual Texas fly, but useful reference for their size. Those things are big. Oh. Next, monkey.
Speaker 0: Another thing to remember is that bless your heart may sound nice, but it's not really nice.
Speaker 1: But it's still important to sound nice when you say it.
Speaker 0: Because of that first thing we explain. Everybody has a gun.
Speaker 1: Next is Whataburger. Best burgers in Texas. Only it's pronounced Whataburger.
Speaker 0: No. No. No. It's pronounced Whataburger. Whataburger.
No. It's just just phonetics. You just
Speaker 1: look at Whataburger.
Speaker 0: You look at the syllables and you sound it out. Whataburger. Whataburger.
Speaker 1: Whataburger. Whataburger. Whataburger. Whataburger. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
They'll know what you mean and they'll be nice about it even if you're saying it wrong. Because you have a gun. Another thing to know is people don't really care about your preferred pronouns here.
Speaker 0: It's really weird. They just sort of like look at you and like can sort
Speaker 1: of tell what your pronouns are.
Speaker 0: It's like they're mind readers or something.
Speaker 1: Except in Austin. They're still, you know, sensitive.
Speaker 0: Alright. This one's pretty heavy. You might have to make your own
Speaker 1: choices and take responsibility for your own actions without without the government take care of you. And that's been the hardest thing for us to swallow
Speaker 0: It's hard.
Speaker 1: Along with the bugs. Oh. And that's our video. Be sure to like and subscribe.
Speaker 0: Thanks for watching. Bye.
Speaker 1: Bye. Alright. Time is wrapped.
Speaker 0: And we're done.
Speaker 1: Oh, thank goodness. I have really gotta go pee pee.
Speaker 0: Oh, sitting down. No.
Speaker 1: We're gonna need that right. What? Oh. Just because.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Did you enjoy our first web series? 🐝 Watch all episodes of ‘Californians Move To Texas’ here: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLf0ejejfF_wYRhBwtSwvNBPGyA95Ll7mt https://t.co/82wyECHuuF
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Trump Announces Plan To Annex Canada And Rename It 'Gay North Dakota' https://t.co/6QBcSGsV8R
Video Transcript AI Summary
Good evening. President-elect Donald Trump has announced plans to annex Canada, renaming it "Gay North Dakota," following Justin Trudeau's resignation as Prime Minister. This unexpected decision arose after their meeting at Mar-a-Lago, where they were supposed to discuss tariffs. Trump insists on the new name, claiming it reflects Canada's character, despite some Canadians being unconvinced. Alternative names like "Gay Minnesota" were suggested, but Trump remains firm. Donald Trump Jr. expressed optimism, stating this move offers Canadians the chance to become Americans. Additionally, Trump has proposed a leadership role for Trudeau, making him the first female governor of Gay North Dakota.
In other news, Trump plans to deport over 5,000 illegal immigrants in one Honda Civic hatchback. Good evening.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Good evening, and welcome to the evening news this evening. Just moments ago, president-elect Donald Trump announced plans to annex Canada and rename it gay North Dakota. The surprise announcement comes as Justin Trudeau announces his resignation from the Canadian prime ministership, presumably to make way for an American governorship. The pair had previously met back in November at the president's resort home at Mar a Lago. The pair had been expected to discuss Trump's tariff plans, but somehow ended with Trump agreeing to absorb Canada as the 51st state of the union.
His one demand, though, is that Canada be renamed to something very homosexual. Trump said in a press conference, it'll be a wonderful addition to our country, gay North Dakota. It's large, very large, a lot of trees and moose. Everyone says the plural of moose is moose, but they're wrong. It's moose.
But we can't keep calling it Canada or people will think it's a real country. So we're gonna call it gay North Dakota. It's just like North Dakota, only much larger and gayer. Very, very gay. Not that I have a problem with the gays.
I love the gays, but frankly, Canada is tremendously gay. Alternative names have been floated such as gay Minnesota, the forgotten realms, and the land that hasn't won the Stanley Cup since 1993. Trump is still insisting it has to be gay North Dakota, though many Canadians remain unconvinced.
Speaker 1: I mean, the whole thing is offensive, not about being gay, but just being called North Dakotan. I'm sorry. What exactly are you sorry for? I I don't know. I'm I'm just sorry.
I'm I'm sorry.
Speaker 0: The Trump camp is bullish over the move as Donald Trump junior stated, they'll go along with it. We're offering them the opportunity to finally become Americans, which is what they've always wanted. They'll be nice about it because they're Canadians, or should I say gay North Dakotans. It's not all hostile, though. Trump has offered Justin Trudeau a leadership role, which would make Trudeau the first female governor of gay North Dakota.
Coming up, Trump announces his plan to deport over 5,000 illegal immigrants in just 1 Honda Civic hatchback simultaneously. Good evening, Sunday evening.
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@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
FBI Busts FBI Terror Plot https://t.co/hTtkyaAYl3
Video Transcript AI Summary
Alright, let's take action. Garth, repeat the plan.
The plan is simple: we break into the Capitol, infiltrate the government, and kidnap the Speaker of the House. This is Garth Henderson speaking.
Everyone down! The FBI is on their way; it’s over.
Oh, it’s over for you, double-crossers. I trusted you.
You’re all scum. We’re true patriots!
Wait, Steve Crenshaw? I knew it! You’ve been undercover.
Yeah, and Todd still roams the office.
We’re all FBI agents, if that wasn’t obvious.
Come on, give it up. You’re outnumbered.
I’d rather blow this place up than surrender. I trusted you all!
You all make me sick. If you escape, look at yourselves in the mirror.
I had you going.
What do we do with all this stuff? It’s a shame to waste it.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Alright. Enough talk. It's time to take action. Garth, repeat the plan.
Speaker 1: The plan is simple.
Speaker 0: Repeat the plan. Emphasizing the most illegal parts, speaking audibly, loud enough for, say, like a tiny microphone to hear, and also state your full name.
Speaker 1: Okay. The plan is simple. We break into the Capitol building, we infiltrate the government, and we kidnap the speaker of the house. And this is Garth Henderson speaking.
Speaker 0: Excellent. You get that? We got everything we need. Everyone down the ground up here. You're all in the ground up here.
Arrested you. What the hell are our FBI agents are on their way right now? It's over.
Speaker 1: Oh, it's over. Alright. It's over. For old you, double double cross. A whole lot of foolishness.
I trusted you and I trusted you.
Speaker 0: I don't like this. You FBI scum. You're all scum. You'll never take us alive. We're the true patriots standing up for liberty and stuff.
Wait just one minute. I knew that voice. Steve. Steve Crenshaw. You got me.
I was wondering why I hadn't seen you around the office lately. Yeah. I've been working undercover. Is old Todd Watson that's still roaming around the DC office? Unfortunately, you know that cheese bagged in?
He ate my fettuccine right under Tupperware. He did not. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a mine,
Speaker 1: he said.
Speaker 0: That's true, Todd. Where's your Tupperware full of chini? I miss that guy. Alright. We're all FBI agents if that hasn't been obvious.
Speaker 1: Alright. FBI.
Speaker 0: Come on, brother. Give it up. You're outnumbered. Let's not
Speaker 1: go out with a bang. Oh, we're all going out with a big bang. I'd sooner blow this place sky high than give into the feds. You all make me sick. I trusted you.
Hank, you and I, we plotted to kidnap the governor of Michigan together. Garth, I taught you how to make a pipe bomb. Steve, you came to my daughter's ballet recital.
Speaker 0: She was beautiful.
Speaker 1: And Bob, I thought building that Lego set together meant something. It meant something to me. I'm sickened that I ever trusted any of you. Now maybe you will tick me in or maybe I'll blow this place sky high. But if you make it out of this, I want you all to take a long hard look at yourselves in the mirror.
Mirror. I don't know how you sleep at night, traitors.
Speaker 0: I had you I had you guys going. Didn't get me.
Speaker 1: Yeah. You're shaking in your boots.
Speaker 0: That's Todd. That's Todd. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh,
Speaker 1: man. What do you know? We were all FBI agents the whole time. So what do you wanna do with
Speaker 0: all this stuff then? Well, he did put a lot of work into that pot. Shame to waste it.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Planned Parenthood Marketing Team Rebrands Baby Murder As 'Women's Healthcare' https://t.co/AK4KAenT9U
Video Transcript AI Summary
We have an image problem regarding our stance on abortion. Past attempts to promote it, like the Super Bowl blimp and sales, have failed. We need to stop using the term "baby murder" and instead rebrand it as "women's health care."
To support this, we’ll adopt the slogan "My body, my choice" and refer to the fetus as a "clump of cells" to dehumanize it. This way, we can distance ourselves from the reality of abortion.
Moving forward, we’ll avoid the term "baby" and use "fetus" instead, as it sounds less personal.
Let's present ourselves as advocates for women's health care while continuing our practices.
Also, do we still need the inflatable tube men? I can return them if necessary.
Come to Planned Parenthood, your trusted source for women's health care.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: As you all know, we we have a bit of an image problem. The nation is still opposed to baby murder.
Speaker 1: We've tried everything though. We had that Super Bowl blimp that said baby murder is cool.
Speaker 2: I liked that one.
Speaker 1: We did the 2 for 1 abortion sale.
Speaker 0: Mhmm. I
Speaker 1: brought in the wacky inflatable tube man. Come to playing Fairhaut, your trusted source for baby murder. I really thought that one was gonna work.
Speaker 2: People are not going to support us if we're just trying to make money from baby murder. So we stop using the term baby murder. The obvious solution is
Speaker 1: Too wacky inflatable tube mitt.
Speaker 2: No. No. No. No. No.
Guys, here. Right here. Tell me, what is something that everyone in the country supports and no one is against?
Speaker 1: I want to say 3 wacky inflatable tube men, but I'm kinda feeling like that's not right. Definitely not right. Stupid.
Speaker 0: Cheddar made biscuits from, Red Lobster. Puppies USB 3 point o. Popping bubble wrap. For a shock change, governor. David Lynch's dune.
Speaker 1: POTS. Count Dracula. It's part of
Speaker 0: a complete breakfast. Brown pepper packages tied up with kittens and mittens. Video compilations of dudes getting hit in the net. No.
Speaker 2: Well, yes. Of course, everyone likes all of those things except David Lynch's dune.
Speaker 1: But the score was composed by Toto.
Speaker 2: What makes sense as a possible rebrand for baby murder? I am proposing that we rebrand baby murder as women's health care. Come on.
Speaker 0: On. I I mean, I I don't know, Yolanda. Honestly, I like where you're going. But, yeah.
Speaker 1: So, like, I don't know if you know what we do
Speaker 0: here. Right?
Speaker 1: But we literally go in there and rip the babies apart limb from limb and and and kill them. So I'm just not sure that really makes sense for the branding of women's health care. Yeah. It seems like a stretch.
Speaker 2: That leads me to part 2 of my plan. All we need to do is continue to chant our new slogan. My body, my choice. My body, my choice. My body, my choice.
My body, My choice. My body. My choice.
Speaker 1: My body. My choice. My choice.
Speaker 0: I hate to bring up a far right pro life, argument here, but, it's pretty clearly a baby. I mean, obviously, not part of the woman's body DNA.
Speaker 1: You know? I I know. Science.
Speaker 2: And that is why we also rebrand baby as clump of cells. We just tell the women that it's like a a a parasite.
Speaker 1: But I'm just not sure people are gonna buy that kind of a lie.
Speaker 2: People buy these kinds of blatant lies all the time. I mean, that whole fiery but mostly peaceful protest thing? We've got Hitler.
Speaker 1: Love him.
Speaker 2: The guy kills, like, 15,000,000 people and calls it the final solution.
Speaker 0: Those are rookie numbers for you know, compared to what we do.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Chump change. Hitler's got nothing on us.
Speaker 2: Oh, one more thing. This is important. From this point forward, we never use the term baby in here again. We're going to use a dehumanizing term, fetus.
Speaker 1: Is that something that you just made up? What does it mean?
Speaker 2: Means baby, but in Latin. And they stopped teaching that in school a long time ago, so no one's gonna no one's gonna connect that. We're good. We're good.
Speaker 0: Yolanda, you've done it again.
Speaker 1: You have done this. I'm good.
Speaker 0: Yeah, baby. I mean, yeah, fetus.
Speaker 1: Fetus. Okay.
Speaker 2: It looks like we are all on board. Gentlemen, let's go out there and kill some babies. Oh, sorry. I mean, let's go out there and give low income women access to health care.
Speaker 0: Health care. Health Yeah. Health care. Health care. Health care.
Speaker 1: Good team. So just one practical question. Will we still be needing the wacky inflatable tube, Ben? Because I I I had a bunch on the way already. I already ordered them.
I I I can return them. There's I can return them. It's no big deal. I'll I'll I'll send them. There's there's just a small re restocking.
Come to Planned Parenthood, your trusted source for Women's health care.
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Save a life today at reversalworks.com.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
White Liberal Shocked As Black Man Gets ID https://t.co/3kXzoqhxLS
Video Transcript AI Summary
In a Republican County, new voter ID laws are criticized for allegedly oppressing African Americans. An individual claims these laws disenfranchise voters, suggesting that acquiring an ID is difficult for some. However, another man counters that he just renewed his ID easily. The discussion turns to laws prohibiting food and water distribution to voters in line, with accusations of racism against those enforcing these laws. Tensions rise as one person mocks the other, claiming that progressive policies are necessary for empowerment. The conversation escalates into a confrontation, highlighting deep divisions over race and voting rights. An expert on racism is teased as a future guest to support the narrative.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: We're here on the scene in this Republican County where African Americans are being oppressed by horrific new voter laws, forcing them to acquire a legal ID to vote. Excuse me, sir. You're unable to acquire an ID, are you not?
Speaker 1: Actually, I just renewed my ID. It's pretty easy, actually.
Speaker 0: There you have it. This poor black man has been disenfranchised by racist voter ID laws because he's too ignorant. I'm sorry. Ignorant means stupid. Too ignorant to acquire a voter ID.
Absolutely tragic. The new laws forbid giving out food, water, and free cash to voters in line. How will black people figure out how to drink water in line to vote? That's illegal. Thanks to Republicans.
Where did you get that anyway? I brought it. You you didn't bring that. You're too underprivileged. That means poor.
I'm sorry the evil conservatives are trying to figuratively smack the water out of your hands. You literally just did that. Like, who are you?
Speaker 1: You know what? Forget it. It's my time to vote. Just
Speaker 0: chill out. We just witnessed a hate crime. A thirsty dehydrated hate crime. Our thoughts and prayers to his family. Black people are oppressed.
How oppressed? Republicans wanna stop us from feeding them. Well, you can't stop this progressive, you racist. You're the racist. Here comes the airplane.
How did you get I won't let these alright lunatics starve you.
Speaker 1: Get Yeah. Eat it. Look at you,
Speaker 0: team. Banana shapism is a number 1. What the
Speaker 1: You don't know how to use
Speaker 0: this remote. What? Black people are incapable of doing anything white people can do on their own. Progressive policies are the only solution. You can't escape them.
Without them, you literally can't do anything. Without them, you literally can't do anything. Another black man flees in terror from the bigotry of republicans. After the break, we'll talk to an expert on racism who agrees with us on the capabilities of black people.
Speaker 1: That's illegal. Nice straw man argument. Did you get Battle on b. I brought it Oh, I better write a blog post explaining what a straw man argument is to black people.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
FBI Hosts Annual January 6 Reunion https://t.co/GxAzcrXBBk
Video Transcript AI Summary
Today marks the one-year anniversary of the January 6th Capitol Insurrection. Reporting live from Washington, I speak with an FBI agent about their experience. They reflect on the violence of Trump supporters, describing it as terrifying despite the calm demeanor of the rioters. Plans for the reunion include casual activities like throwing a Frisbee and reminiscing about past events.
I then interview Jake, a Trump supporter who participated in the riot. He claims to have interpreted Trump's words as a call to violence, leading to chaos at the Capitol. Although he was arrested, he managed to secure his release by fabricating a story about a different crime, with alleged support from Kamala Harris.
For more coverage on January 6th, viewers are encouraged to tune into CNN. Next, we go live to a ceremony where Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lays a wreath at her own grave.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the deadly January 6th Capitol Insurrection, where violent Trump supporters viciously murdered zeros of people and almost AOC. I'm reporting live in Washington at the annual reunion of those most intimately involved with the planning and execution of the attack, FBI agents. So what's it like to be back?
Speaker 1: If I was indeed present at the initial attack, which I'm not saying I was, It's good to be back.
Speaker 0: What precisely was your involvement last year?
Speaker 1: I may have allegedly moved a barrier, which I didn't. But if I did, I I then said, let's storm the Capitol along with my colleague, Steve, who I'm hypothetically happy to see again, allegedly.
Speaker 0: Right. So what lessons can we take from the January 6th events?
Speaker 1: They showed us how incredibly violent Trump supporters are in our fevered imaginations. When I was allegedly pretending to be a Trump supporter, it was very, very scary. It was terrifying. I imagine that they were filled with hatred and racism as they walked calmly through the capitol taking selfies. So what do
Speaker 0: you have planned for this reunion? Oh, we're gonna throw
Speaker 1: a Frisbee, maybe barbecue some Cheney. Who knows? Maybe we'll get a few PBRs in us and, go kidnap a governor, as we may have done allegedly in the past.
Speaker 0: Is there anyone at this reunion who's not an FBI agent?
Speaker 1: There's Jake.
Speaker 0: Jake. I'm standing here with Trump supporter, Jake, who was present at the Capitol riot. Jake, why did you decide to violently riot?
Speaker 2: Well, we were taking our orders directly from president Trump, who is still the president. When Trump said that we should protest peacefully, what I heard was murder, kill, and destroy. And when he said that we needed to show strength, I understood that to mean, of course, that we needed to go steal a podium and then leave a poop on Nancy Pelosi's desk.
Speaker 0: Wait. You did all that and they didn't arrest you? Oh, I got arrested.
Speaker 2: I spent some time in jail, but then I lied and said that I just burned down a car lot and stole some Nikes in the name of racial justice, and then they let me out, on parole. You know? You know, Kamala Harris, in fact, even, even raised some money to let me out. So So so generous. Yeah.
Speaker 0: Very clever. Well, there you have it. If you'd like to see more January 6th coverage, be sure to switch over to CNN, where they will be covering it continuously, forever, until the end of time. Coming up next, we go live to the somber ceremony in which Alexandria Achesia Cortez lays a wreath at her own grave.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Satire Writers Unable To Keep Up With Reality https://t.co/MZ409Ddw2Q
Video Transcript AI Summary
We need one more joke to wrap this up. How about a prominent Democrat maskless in a room full of masked schoolchildren?
That’s too close to reality. Let’s go dumber. Apple introduces a pregnant man emoji.
Already happened. John Kerry warns the Ukraine war might distract from climate change.
CDC recommends social distancing. A math professor claims 2 plus 2 equals 4 is racist.
A man who undermined women in sports is celebrated.
What if Biden started a program to give crack pipes to drug addicts for racial equity?
That’s absurd! But it sounds like something he might actually do.
Dinner’s here! Did you hear about the president giving out free crack pipes?
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Alright, man. We just gotta come up with one more joke, and then we can blow this joint.
Speaker 1: Okay. What about some crazy satire on some of the insane things that the Democrats are doing right now. Come on.
Speaker 0: Okay. What about this? What if we have a prominent Democrat
Speaker 1: k.
Speaker 0: And we have them post maskless, but get this. They're in a room full of school children who are all wearing masks. Guys. Guys. Oh, so You gotta be kidding me.
Come on.
Speaker 1: How can we write satire when so the dumbest thing that we can think of is something the Democrats have already done? It's alright. It's alright. We just have to go dumber. I got one.
Apple introduces a pregnant man emoji.
Speaker 2: Yes. Yes.
Speaker 0: It already happened. John Kerry warns that the war in Ukraine might distract from climate change. He actually did that.
Speaker 1: CDC says the social distance and follow-up show.
Speaker 0: A math professor says that 2 plus 2 equals 4 is racist.
Speaker 1: Man who destroyed women in sports is celebrated as a hero. It already happened. BLM protesters nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. Happened. God.
Biden's policies make gas prices go to something crazy like, $7 a gallon.
Speaker 0: It cost me a $100 to fill up this morning. Seriously? What about a Lutheran church that hosts a drag queen bible story hour? That happened too.
Speaker 1: Cogwell magazine features a morbidly obese woman on the cover as the picture of hell happens.
Speaker 2: Oh, give up. Satire is impossible. No. No.
Speaker 1: No. We can do it, Kyle. We can do it. We just have to think of something that's so dumb that it can't possibly be true. But that would have to be the dumbest thing in the history
Speaker 0: of the world. Okay. Okay. What about this? What if Joe Biden
Speaker 1: I like it already.
Speaker 0: Instituted a program to give crack pipes to drug addicts.
Speaker 1: Yes. Brilliant. And here's the topper. He says it's for Racial equity.
Speaker 0: But what does enabling drug addiction have to do with racial equity?
Speaker 1: Exactly. That's what's so brilliant. He says everything's about racial equity, but it makes no sense.
Speaker 0: You see Travis, that is satire. Yeah. But, here's the thing. No. No.
You tell me that happened, Travis. If you tell me that happened, I'm gonna take that laptop. I'm gonna keep you right out that gosh darn window. No. Of course, that didn't happen.
That's that's nothing that I just write on the Internet right now. I don't read.
Speaker 1: Exactly. It's brilliant. And you're brilliant. I love you.
Speaker 0: No. You are brilliant, and I like you too. Equity. I'm gonna be laughing about that one the whole way home.
Speaker 1: And it sounds a crack addict. Even Biden's too self aware to do something like that. Classic. Hey, guys. Dinner's here.
Did you remember to get my plant based chorizo? You got it, fam. Hey. By the way, did you guys hear about this crazy news story where the president's giving out free crack pipes?
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Great Things To Say To Your Wife While She’s On Her Period https://t.co/2mtDkmCv1K
Video Transcript AI Summary
It's that time of the month, and you know your words matter. Here’s a list of things to say that might help. First, remind her you're in this together. Next, mention that menopause is coming, which might be comforting. Ask how her mood might affect dinner plans—just a practical question. Bring up biblical wisdom from Leviticus for a touch of seriousness. Suggest cleaning to distract her, and share a personal story of minor discomfort to show empathy. Offer a 64-ounce tub of ice cream, set the TV to reruns, and promise taco deliveries. Stick to these phrases, and you might avoid trouble for a few days. Remember, after this, you can say whatever you want until next month.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Oh, look what time it is. It's that special time of the month. Your wife has that crazy look in her eyes, and you know that your next words could be your last. So what do you say? The Babylon Bee is here to save the day and possibly your life by providing you with the handy list of great things that are always well received by a woman on her, you know, period.
Number 1, we're all in this together. She'll surely appreciate this reminder that in a way, you have to suffer too. Next, try saying, hey. Soon you'll hit menopause and won't have to deal with this anymore. Reminding your wife of the fact that she's getting old and will soon be unable to bear children will be a great comfort to her.
Try saying this, so how is this going to potentially affect the timeliness of dinner tonight? It's just a practical question. No need to get all crazy about it. Alright. You need to get biblical on her.
Say, have you read what God said about this in Leviticus? See, as a husband, your job is to impart wisdom from the Bible to your wife. Try saying, maybe cleaning the house will take your mind off the way you're feeling. Just trying to help. Here's a bottle of Windex.
So here's a good one. This one time, I brushed my teeth a little too hard and a little blood came out. So I know exactly how you feel. See, it's important for her to know that you can empathize with her. And finally, so chat gpt wrote this one for us, and we think maybe the robots are on to something.
Here's a 64 ounce tub of ice cream. I have set the TV to rerun shows about wives murdering their husbands. Tacos will be delivered every day at 9, 12, and 6. Also, here is a large and fluffy blanket. I'll see you on Thursday.
By sticking to just saying these things, you may very well be able to save yourself from several days of trouble. But after a few days, you'll be in the clear and free to say whatever dumb stuff you want until next month. That's how biology works. Women in Africa still work in the fields when they get their period. Do you feel more connected with the moon?
Hey. Did you know that period pain is actually a myth? At least you're not a guy. We go through way worse stuff. Everybody look out.
We got a bleeder.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
I'm A Chaplain - And I'm Also An Atheist FULL VIDEO ⏩ https://youtu.be/9HwYxkBeiZo https://t.co/P9zMVeX94f
Video Transcript AI Summary
I'm the new head chaplain at Harvard University, and I identify as an atheist. My role involves supporting a diverse student body on their spiritual journeys, even though I personally find life to be meaningless. I work with students of various faiths, reminding them that beliefs are shaped by genetics and conditioning, and that emotions are just electrical signals. During challenging times, such as when tragedy strikes, I aim to provide reassurance, even if it may seem unconventional. Students often invite me to pray with them, and while I respect their practices, I find it difficult to engage deeply. Nonetheless, I strive to support them as best I can.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hi. I'm the new head chaplain at Harvard University. That college, that's better than the one you went to. And, I'm an atheist. My name is Greg Epstein, no relation.
And as chaplain, it's my job to provide support, guidance, and encouragement to Harvard students on their spiritual journey, a journey that for me ended in nihilism and emptiness. Although I myself am an atheist, I serve a multi faith student body. I'm happy to work with students who are Christian, Jewish, Hindu, or whatever other stupid they may believe. A chaplain is defined as a religious representative serving a public institution. And an atheist is defined as someone who is not religious.
So, needless to say, it's been a challenging role to fill. But during the times when the job seems overwhelming or I don't feel like I'm up to the task, I remind myself that, you know, life is meaningless. And one day, in an instant, I'll blink out of existence. So none of it matters. That positive thought gets me through those tough times.
And I hope I can communicate that positivity to the young adults I serve. While away at college, students may have their beliefs challenged or find themselves wondering if they're adhering to their values. I try to remind them that their beliefs are merely a result of genetics and conditioning. So it's dumb to care. Immorality doesn't exist.
Shame, guilt, sadness, or joy they feel are simply electrical signals bouncing between synapses. So they should give up on their beliefs. One of the toughest but most important times to be a chaplain is when school experiences a tragedy and needs healing. For instance, when one of our students or staff loses their life. It's those times when the Harvard family needs to hear reassuring words like, come on.
Distance is terrible. You're better off dead. Since I am their chaplain, the students will often invite me to pray with them. And I close my eyes and bow my head, you know, trying to laugh as they wind their imaginary sky men to help them with their finals or heal their grandmother or whatever. Some of them pray for a really long time, and it gets boring.
So it's hard, but I do my best.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Woman Driving Alone In Carpool Lane Claims Preferred Pronoun Is 'They' ⏩ https://youtu.be/dEaRnAR0dlw https://t.co/ok0RJfk3bi
Video Transcript AI Summary
What seems to be the problem, officer?
You've been driving alone in the carpool lane for three miles.
Alone? My pronouns are they, them, so we can drive here.
I need your license and registration, please.
You want my ID? That's racist.
How about a vaccine card?
Sure, I have all my medical records. We were boosted seven times. Are we free to go?
Did you just assume my gender?
Assuming gender is offensive.
You're perpetuating the gender binary.
Stop yelling; it's triggering.
Trigger? Are you going to shoot me?
I can't even.
Saying that is ableist.
We have a mental disability.
I’m part Indigenous, and you’re lucky I’m just giving you a fine.
You can’t fine me; that funds police terror against communities.
I need backup at the 4 or 5 in Santa Monica.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Speaker 1: You've been driving in the carpool lane for the past 3 miles alone.
Speaker 0: Alone? Well, you should know that my pronouns are they, them, so we can drive in the carpool lane.
Speaker 1: I got a driver out here in the carpool lane. Says her pronouns are they.
Speaker 0: Excuse me. Her?
Speaker 1: Alright. Let's just get your license and registration, please. Ma'am? Ma'am? You?
Can I say you?
Speaker 0: You want me to provide photo ID? Racist much?
Speaker 1: Okay. How about just a vaccine card then?
Speaker 0: Yeah. No problem. Got all my medical records right here. We were boosted 7 times, one for each of us. Anyway, it's all there.
Are we free to go, sir?
Speaker 1: Wait. I'm sorry. Did you just, did you just assume my gender? It's actually offensive to look at somebody and assume by their appearance that they are a man or a woman.
Speaker 0: Man or woman? Now you're implicitly perpetuating the oppressive societal construct of the gender binary onto me, a victim of violent police aggression.
Speaker 1: Stop yelling. Verbal attacks to violence, which is triggering.
Speaker 0: Trigger? Are you gonna shoot me?
Speaker 1: I literally can't even. I? Don't you mean we? Yeah. We literally can't even.
Saying you can't do something is ableist and mocks people that actually have a mental or physical disability.
Speaker 0: We have a mental disability.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm 1 1,000 24th novel, and you're lucky that I'm giving you a fine and not kicking you off my ancestral land that you white colonizers stole from my people.
Speaker 0: You can't find way. That money funds police departments and perpetuates the terrorization of underprivileged communities in the expansion of the police state.
Speaker 1: I need backup at the 4 or 5 in Santa Monica.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee Looks Back At Joe Biden's First Year As President FULL VIDEO ⏩ https://youtu.be/D3_ooizzGZk https://t.co/8w3PF4LeaR
Video Transcript AI Summary
Biden's first year had notable moments. In March 2021, he compared Republican opposition to voting rights to Jim Crow, calling it "Jim Eagle," which confused many. He also stumbled up the stairs of Air Force One. By June, he appeared disoriented at the G7 summit, requiring his wife’s assistance while reporters laughed. In July, the White House boasted about saving 16 cents on cookouts, which was poorly received. Biden claimed he used to drive an 18-wheeler, but it turned out he only rode along once. He also made a bizarre statement about his butt being wiped. In August, he got lost in the bushes outside the White House, ignoring a Secret Service agent's directions.
Overall, these incidents highlight a series of awkward and confusing moments during his presidency.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Biden's 1st year, a retrospective. All the way back to March of 2021, Biden repeatedly said that Republicans opposing Democrat voting rights bills were making Jim Crow look like Jim Eagle.
Speaker 1: An eagle is bigger than a a crow. So if they're making Jim Crow look worse than it was, and the new thing is, is there new thing Jim Eagle? I don't even know what he's trying to say. Also in March, Biden fell up the stairs of Air Force 1 3 times in 3 seconds. I like
Speaker 2: the one where he's, like, falling into a different dimension.
Speaker 0: Oh, yeah. He just keeps rolling.
Speaker 2: June, Joe Biden appears to be lost at the g seven summit, and he's walking around. He's, like, very disoriented. And the other the reporters are asking him questions, and his wife has to come and rescue him. How are your meetings going here in Cornwall? Very well.
Come on. Everyone that's there knows what's happening, and they're laughing. They're laughing at him while he's, like, very visibly disoriented.
Speaker 1: It's sad to watch some of this stuff.
Speaker 0: I don't feel bad for him. Must keep mocking. Before the July, the White House announced that you saved 16¢ on your cookout this year. Why would you announce that? Nobody in the PR team was like, this is a bad idea.
Speaker 1: In July, he falsely claimed that he used to drive an 18 wheeler. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I guess they looked into
Speaker 0: it, and they found there was one time where he went on a ride along with a cargo truck driver.
Speaker 2: In his brain, I just stuck. I used to drive an 18 wheeler. Wheeler. July, Joe Biden yelled, my butt's been wiped at reporters. And we don't really know what he was trying to say or why he would say that.
My butt's been wiped. What on earth was he saying?
Speaker 0: I prefer just thinking that he can't even believe that. In August, a bumbling Biden got lost again in the bushes on the way to the White House after ignoring a secret service agent trying to point him onto the concrete path. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then
Speaker 0: he keeps walking way up, and then there's, like, another entrance up there, so they finally managed to corral him and get him back into the
Speaker 1: They should hire a border collie that just turned him into wherever he has to go.
@TheBabylonBee - The Babylon Bee
Spotify Just BANNED These 11 Songs For Misinformation FULL VIDEO ⏩ https://youtu.be/KlPqPE5KPsc https://t.co/UVANKRX8Mw
Video Transcript AI Summary
Spotify is facing backlash as artists consider removing their music from the platform. In response, the app is censoring songs for alleged misinformation.
Examples include:
- "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, which inaccurately suggests the heart continues to pump after brain activity ceases.
- "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles, ignoring basic survival needs.
- "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyoncé, which overlooks the male dominance in leadership roles.
- "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga, implying a fully grown adult is born.
- "It’s Raining Men" by The Weather Girls, which is not literally true.
- "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, contrasting with women's aspirations for careers and leadership.
Additionally, "We Don't Talk About Bruno" from Disney's Encanto contradicts itself, as the family discusses Bruno extensively in the song.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: As more and more artists threaten to remove their music from Spotify, the popular music streaming app is in damage control mode. They're even applying misinformation labels to content that contains dangerous free speech.
Speaker 1: Now Spotify is even censoring music, taking down these songs for inaccurate statements and false claims.
Speaker 0: On the chopping block is My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. Fact check, false. The heart stops pumping blood as soon as brain activity ceases.
Speaker 1: All You Need is Love by The Beatles. Love is not all you need, food, water, oxygen, half calf light whip soy caramel macchiato. All far more important.
Speaker 0: Run the world, open parenthesis, girls, close parenthesis by Beyonce Knowles. Not true. The vast majority of CEOs and world leaders are male. Sad.
Speaker 1: Born This Way by Lady Gaga. I guess you're telling me that you were born as a fully grown adult. Come on, Stephanie. I wasn't born yesterday.
Speaker 0: I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. Always, Whitney. Always.
Speaker 1: Like a Virgin by Madonna. A virgin Madonna. A virgin.
Speaker 0: Dude looks like a lady by Aerosmith. No Aerosmith. The dude is a lady.
Speaker 1: Do better. It's Raining Men by the Weather Girls. Unfortunately, it is not Raining Men, and I've checked several times.
Speaker 0: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Girls actually just want fulfilling careers, leadership positions, and power suits with shoulder pads.
Speaker 1: It Doesn't Matter If You're Black OR White by Michael Jackson. Oh, it matters. It's the most important thing about you.
Speaker 0: We don't talk about Bruno from Disney's Encanto. Okay. So the Madrigal family literally talks about Bruno in musical form for 3 minutes and 32 seconds. At the very least, in this song, Lin Manuel expands his melodic range beyond his usual two notes, but the self contradictory nature of the lyrics lacks an amount of depth that I can't even begin to expound on. Furthermore