reSee.it - Tweets Saved By @Theholisticpsyc
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Your partner goes into emotional reactivity. Next, you become reactive and a cycle begins where you say and do things you regret. Few people know how to fight. How To Fight In A Healthy Way (A Complete Guide):
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
All relationships have conflict. Conflict is part of life. Learning how to navigate and resolve conflict is one of life’s most important skills.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
How To Fight In A Healthy Way: We all have different needs in conflict: we tend to believe that everyone responds the way we do, and what's the things we do. This isn't true.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
1. Start by Identifying YOUR conflict type: The Avoider: - wants to hide or shut down during conflict - struggles to communicate or find words for feelings - becomes highly emotionally flooded (might start crying uncontrollably)
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
- can't do anything else until conflict is resolved - can have conversations even when stressed or overwhelmed
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Next, sit with your partner and share your conflict types. You may have similar conflict types, but it's more common to have opposite types.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
2. Create A Conflict Plan: A conflict plan is how you'll solve conflict, together based on your conflict type. If your partner is an avoider who needs space, and you're a fixer who want to hash things out immediately, find a middle ground.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Examples: - If one of us is really emotionally flooded we’ll have a “break word” that means it's time to pause - When we’re both activated, we go to separate areas of the house for 30 minutes to calm down.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
3. Speak For Yourself: Conflict resolution in relationships (called repair) words best when we’re using “I” statements. Ex: “I felt like I wasn’t being considered.”
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Instead of “you” statements that put our partner on the defensive. Ex: “You never consider me, you’re so selfish.”
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
4. Ask Questions To Understand: mature communication is about asking questions, rather than making assumptions. Get curious. Ex: “So, what you’re saying is x, is that right?” “Next time you want me to get you first, would that help?”
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
5. Recognize their inner child: you’re not just talking to your partner, you’re talking to younger, hurt versions of them. Keep this in mind, and have empathy.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
6. Neutralize: reacting to someone creates more reactivity. Stay grounded. Take deep breaths. Try not to take everything personal. If you do go into fight or flight and can’t stay neutral, it’s time to take a break.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
7. Ask: “What do you need right now?” After a conflict, ask your partner what they need to come back together and feel safe. Ex: physical touch, verbal reassurance, or doing an activity you love together.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Bookmark this thread and share with your partner. Start to practice. Your entire relationship will shift. Join (@selfhealerscirc) a community of people doing the work from around the world https://selfhealerscircle.com/waitlist/
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Addiction is a coping mechanism and a way we attempt to soothe our nervous system. Here's a compassionate (and honest) way to think about addiction:
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
The way we handle stress and cope with life, has to do with our level of self regulation. When we cry as babies, we cannot self regulate. We need a predictable, open, and regulated adult to calm (or soothe us.)
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
It's through this process (called attunement) that our nervous system goes back into a calm, balanced, regulated state. Children who develop self regulation become adults who can: handle stress, cope in healthy ways, and far less addictive behaviors.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Many parents have their own unresolved trauma, chronic stress, substance use issues, and chronic dissociation that leaves them unable to attune to us and help us self soothe. As children, we internalize this as abandonment and develop shame based beliefs.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
We can't understand: our parent figures have to work all the time, that society doesn't support parents, or that our parent figure is just distracted which is why we spend so much time alone.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Some shame based beliefs: - I'm unlovable - Everyone will eventually leave me - What I say doesn't matter - I'm worthless
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
When we can't self soothe in healthy ways, we find things to soothe us that provide relief short term, and damage long term. In other words, we develop addictions. This can be: alcohol, pornography, food, relationships, sex, scrolling, workaholism, etc.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
There's so much shame and stigma around addiction, but the reality is addictive behaviors are adaptations. Our body is seeking something to help calm our internal sensations and our intense, overwhelming, racing thoughts.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
People suffering from addiction, are actually suffering with the inability to self regulate. They're suffering from deep emotional pain. And, they're suffering from separation of their true Self.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
As a culture, we have to understand that addiction is a response to pain, to emotional abandonment, and an attempt to regulate a dysregulated nervous system.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Please share this thread so that we can bring awareness to the neurobiology of addiction.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Follow: @theholisticpsyc I write threads every day on how to heal yourself. Join @selfhealerscirc Today we're hosting a 4 hour workshop on addiction: https://theholisticpsychologist.com/waitlist/
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
I spent most of my adult life dissociated. I had almost no memories, and felt like my life was a haze or not even real. Here's why:
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Dissociation is an adaptive survival response to: chronic stress, overwhelm, or trauma. It allows us to keep going and functioning as the brain goes into survival mode.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Growing up, my home life was very chaotic. Both of my parents had their own intergenerational trauma that left them with poor coping skills and an inability to self regulate.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Families with adults who cannot self regulate tend to have emotional enmeshment. Emotional enmeshment is a lack of emotional boundaries between family members.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Emotional enmeshment looks like: - one family member creates the emotional environment of the home - family members find connection through chaos, shared worry, or drama cycles - triangulation: members involved in each others issues without boundaries
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Lack of emotional regulation can also make mundane situations extremely stressful. For example: leaving the house, forgetting something, a missed appointment, or any other natural life experience can become a near crisis situation.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
My mom also struggled with coping skills around her anger. When she was upset or extremely disappointed, she would give the silent treatment. Sometimes for days, weeks, or even months.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Childhood trauma is often misunderstood because people see events from an adult perspective. From my childhood perspective, my mom was withdrawing her love and denying my existence. I didn't have the ability to understand: she's stressed out herself.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
I internalized this in a shame based way: "I'm not lovable" Children personalize events, and blame themselves to keep the relationship with parent figures who their survival depends on.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
At the same time, I was witnessing adults who were chronically dysregulated. This meant: lots of yelling, explosive emotional outbursts, and stonewalling (shut down.)
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Note: this doesn't mean that functional homes don't have emotional outbursts, or at times yelling. We're human. It means that in functional homes, there is dialogue and repair after events. Ex: "I'm so sorry I yelled at you like that, that was wrong."
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
By age 6, I was having extreme anxiety. I channeled this anxiety though putting in my room in order over and over again (later I would be diagnosed with OCD, but this was an adaptive response to my lived environment.)
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
I also started having nightmares. Usually, they were about my parents dying or someone breaking in. I never talked to anyone about this because we didn't talk about our issues.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
At a young age, I began dissociating. I have very few childhood memories. My brain was saying: "it's not safe here, but I'm going to help you cope and adapt."
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Ultimately, it wasn't until my late 20's when I noticed a pattern of my partners telling me I was "zoned out." Friends would say, "remember when we did x" and I couldn't actually recall the memory.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
I would have a familiar feeling that I was there, but I noticed I couldn't place myself there like other people could. It's like I was sleepwalking through life, watching myself overhead. I was existing, not living.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
I share this personal story because I know there are many people like me who experience this. To some degree, we all dissociate. You might do this when you jump on your phone and scroll mindlessly, losing track of time and not being present in your body.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
There's nothing bad or wrong with this. It's part of the human experience. Issues can come up when the dissociation is chronic, you feel like you're not actually living, and when it blocks you from connecting with people you love.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
I've spent the past years studying dissociation and understanding it as an adaptation. Through intentional practices like movement, breathwork, relationship connection, creating, writing, sleep hygiene, nutrition I've been able to return to my body.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Do you chronically dissociate? Share in the comments.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Follow: @Theholisticpsyc I write threads every day on how to heal yourself. Join the waitlist for SelfHealers Circle https://theholisticpsychologist.com/waitlist/ My new workbook: http://howtomeetyourself.com
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
8 Signs You're Becoming Emotionally Healthier:
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
1. You can recognize your patterns
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
2. You know when you're using coping to self soothe (like eating, watching netflix, or scrolling.)
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
3. You're being less hard on yourself
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
4. You recognize your thoughts are not truths
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
5. You're taking things less personally
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
6. You understand it's ok to feel sad or any perceived "negative" emotion and don't judge yourself for it
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
7. You've started setting boundaries
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
8. You're being vulnerable and talking about what you're feeling even when it's uncomfortable
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
9. You're not look at people to "complete" you
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
10. You're able to laugh at yourself and not take it all so seriously
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Follow: @theholisticpsychologist. I write threads every day on how to heal yourself. Join the waitlist for SelfHealers Circle https://theholisticpsychologist.com/waitlist/ My new workbook: http://howtomeetyourself.com
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
The mother wound is a generational trauma passed down from a mother to her children. It can impact so many parts of our lives:
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Our parent figures shape the way we see ourselves and the world.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Mother's can carry their own unresolved generational trauma that stems from: abuse or neglect from their own parents, cultural conditioning, and wounding that came from their lived experiences.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
The cultural mother wound involves a core belief that mothers are to be: completely selfless, put everyone else first, and to wear self neglect and betrayal as a badge of honor.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
We glorify an illusion of this perfect mother putting her own needs last that's able to "do it all." This creates a lot of deep suffering in our society.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Our relationships with our mothers can be complicated and conflicting. For example, our feelings about other mother might be: - admiration and disappointment - gratitude and greif - respect and anger
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
We might have memories and feelings of being loved and supported but also neglected or smothered. We can know our mother's wanted the best for us, and also feel pain from her criticism.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Based on what we witnessed form her as children, we inherit beliefs, perceptions, body images, and coping mechanisms.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
We might have witnessed our mothers: - striving for absolute perfection (perfectionism) - neglect themselves and their own self care - allowing abusive or neglectful relationships - giving up their own dreams and ambitions - not setting boundaries
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
These experiences live in our subconscious mind and create our mother wound. Signs of a mother wound: - low self worth - distrust of competitiveness with other women - people pleasing/fawning - patterns of self abandonment
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
- dysfunctional relationship patterns - body image issues - a belief you have to prove yourself - caretaking, rescuing, and enabling - a harsh or critical inner voice (ego) - making decisions based on your mothers approval
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
How to Heal The Mother Wound: 1. Start setting clear boundaries 2. Understand all mothers are flawed and doing the best they can with the level of awareness they have 3. Learn to meet your emotional needs
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
4. Understand your mother's core beliefs (on body image, relationships, success etc.), and how they show up in your own life 5. Start creating life in alignment with your authentic self and your true desires
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Every person who heals the mother wound breaks the cycle and creates a new future for the next generation. If you're working on this, share in the comments.
@Theholisticpsyc - Dr. Nicole LePera
Follow: @theholisticpsyc I write threads every day on how to heal yourself. Join the waitlist for SelfHealers Circle https://theholisticpsychologist.com/waitlist/ My workbook to heal: http://howtomeetyourself.com