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@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
customers love the new waitress at Hooters https://t.co/M22YhW4aQC
Video Transcript AI Summary
A waitress spills beer on customers, causing one to break his 22 years of sobriety. He then offers to buy her a car. Another waitress offers the customers a free round, but they say they want the first waitress instead. The second waitress says the first is making them feel bad and taking all their tips, and that Hooters may not be the right place for her. The first waitress says she has had trouble holding other jobs. Hooterbee the Owl, the Hooters mascot, arrives and tells her she can't leave, comparing her to Harry Potter. Hooterbee then says he has to go to a funeral because his friend Flacco flew into a building, and asks to see someone's breasts before he leaves.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hi, boys. Who wants a refill?
Speaker 1: Us. Us. We do.
Speaker 0: Coming right up. Oh, gosh. I am such a fudge. I am so sorry.
Speaker 1: It's okay. Anything you do is okay.
Speaker 0: Oh, it looks like there's a little beer left in the pitcher. Who wants some? You? What the heck?
Speaker 1: Sure. Okay. Oh, awesome.
Speaker 2: But the smart is, I've been
Speaker 1: sober for twenty two years and that's over now. Hey, can we buy you a car or something?
Speaker 3: You guys are hilarious.
Speaker 0: See? Was that so hard?
Speaker 3: Okay. You spilled all over them and made one guy relapse. They just like you. Watch. Guys.
I just wanted to offer you a free round.
Speaker 1: I'm a stop
Speaker 4: you right there.
Speaker 1: I don't wanna see you.
Speaker 4: I don't wanna know you. I want other girl.
Speaker 1: Man, I'll take that.
Speaker 3: Great. So, yeah, it was a little different for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Exactly. Watch this. Hello, my guy.
Speaker 2: No. See?
Speaker 3: No offense, Tina, but you're making us feel bad, and you're taking all our tips. Yeah. Maybe Hooters isn't the right place for
Speaker 0: you. Oh. You know, I always thought that this place was the one place I'd feel at home. I've tried to
Speaker 3: work at other jobs and I can't. I worked at an airport, no planes took off.
Speaker 0: I was a crossing guard, thousands died. But if you don't think I belong at Hooters, I'll
Speaker 2: go. Wait.
Speaker 0: Oh my god, Hooters mascot Hooter me owl?
Speaker 2: That's me and I came to say you can't leave. You are my Harry Potter and this is your Hogwarts. So please stay.
Speaker 0: If you really want me to. Okay?
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 0: And what about us?
Speaker 2: I don't care. Now, I must go. I have a funeral to attend. My friend Flacco flew into a building. I'm very sad.
So if someone could show me their breasts.
Speaker 3: I'll do it.
Speaker 2: I'll just leave.
Speaker 3: Goodbye, Hooterbee Owl.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Church Lady shares her thoughts on 2024, the most satanic year in history https://t.co/0OpjmQjS0K
Video Transcript AI Summary
Welcome to Church Chat! It's great to be back as we wrap up 2024, a year filled with challenges. Instead of looking up to role models like Mother Mary, young girls are influenced by pop culture figures.
Now, let’s welcome Matt Gaetz. He seems surprised to be here, but we discuss his recent controversies and the report that never surfaced.
Next, we have Hunter Biden, who’s been laying low. He jokes about his father’s pardon, but we remind him that Jesus didn’t associate with the wrong crowd.
Finally, we welcome baseball free agent Juan Soto, who humorously shares his faith and the potential $700 million contract he might sign. He reflects on the importance of helping the needy, considering signing with the Mets.
Thanks for joining us on Church Chat!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Welcome to Church Chat. I'm the church lady. You know, thank you. Thank you. So kind.
You know, it's great to be back to ring out the end of 2024, The most satanic year in history. Instead of mother Mary, little girls are looking up to the haptoey girl. Well, you know what I say. Instead of haptoey, you need to haptoey a church. Have you seen Wicked?
Oh, Wicked. Yeah. It's just like The Wizard of Oz. But instead of saying lions, tigers, and bears, oh my, they say lions, tigers, and sluts. So yes.
A little bit different. Everywhere you look, you've got 11 year olds dressing up like that vixen Sabrina Carpenter. Do you know who's the best carpenter? Jesus. He's working late because he's a savior.
Now it's time for my first guest. Please welcome, Matt Gates.
Speaker 1: Hello, church lady.
Speaker 2: Are you
Speaker 0: okay, Matt? You look a little surprised to be here.
Speaker 1: No. This is just how my face
Speaker 0: is. I can see that. It looks like your forehead's trying to go to heaven without you.
Speaker 1: Oh, what a what a puss. What a puss.
Speaker 0: And I don't wanna cause any hubbub, but you do look a little like someone who could be some
Speaker 1: Leonardo DiCaprio.
Speaker 0: No. It's not that
Speaker 1: Brandt, man.
Speaker 0: No? Just try to knock on my knock and could it be safe? Caught you off guard, didn't I? Now, Matt, let's see if I have this straight. You were involved in some little sexual picadillos?
And they wrote a whole report about it, but somehow we never got to see it, did we? Isn't that convenient?
Speaker 1: For me, it is. Yes.
Speaker 0: Poor little Matt Gaetz. You better repent, Matt. There's only 17 days left in Christmas.
Speaker 1: You had me at 17.
Speaker 0: Okay. Off you go. Don't let the door hit you on the forehead on your way out. Goodbye, Matt Gaetz. Goodbye.
Alright. Moving right along, my next guest is someone who actually is a lot like Jesus because he also has a dad named Joseph whose life is made way more complicated because of him. Please welcome the one and only Hunter Biden.
Speaker 1: Hi there. Church lady. Haven't been here in a while. I've been laying low a little bit.
Speaker 0: Oh, I think that's okay. At least you haven't been doing a podcast.
Speaker 1: Easy church woman.
Speaker 0: Oh, Hunter. It's actually church lady.
Speaker 1: Oh, well, pardon me.
Speaker 0: Pardon you? Who do you think I am? Your daddy?
Speaker 1: Alright. Yes. My father did pardon me, but I thought it was a good thing for the father to forgive the son. Right, church lady?
Speaker 0: Last time I checked, Jesus wasn't walking around in a robe with no underwear hanging out with prostitutes. Oh,
Speaker 1: I think he was.
Speaker 0: Well, Jesus certainly didn't turn water into crack.
Speaker 1: Wait. You can do that?
Speaker 0: Hunty, let's move on. Okay? Because you know, some people on the right aren't too happy about your pardon.
Speaker 1: Well, they singled me out just because of who I am. Much like Trump, they went after me because of my last name and all the illegal things I did.
Speaker 0: Well, isn't that special? And I'll
Speaker 1: just say one thing before I go. I've gone through a lot, but my dad loves me unconditionally. And that's the greatest gift of all. Mhmm. Also, to anyone who's seen any of those laptop photos, just remember, the camera takes off 2 inches.
Speaker 0: Alrighty then. Bye bye now. Bye bye. Bye bye now. Bye bye.
Go away. Alright. I'm good bye now. Alright. Well, my next guest is a baseball free agent about to sign the biggest contract in all of time.
Please welcome Juan So to.
Speaker 2: Hello, church lady or as I like to say,
Speaker 0: Welcome to church chat. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been to church before?
Speaker 2: Well, I am Latin. So when I was a kid, we went to church once on Christmas, once on Easter, and twice every other day.
Speaker 0: Well, aren't you a muscular man with a festive accent?
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 0: Just like it. I can't help it.
Speaker 2: Well, my faith is actually an important part of my game.
Speaker 0: Well, isn't that Spanish? So I hear they're gonna pay you $700,000,000 to smack some balls around with your big stick. We like to hit a baseball, don't we?
Speaker 1: Make more money than Jesus. You know, money is
Speaker 0: the root of all evil. Well,
Speaker 2: if that's true, then I'm gonna become the most evil baseball player in the world.
Speaker 0: Oh, so funny. So then you might as well tell us what team do you think you're going to pick?
Speaker 2: Well, you know, I don't know. Right now, I hope the Yankees make me the best offer. Mhmm.
Speaker 0: Well, as a Christian, I have to ask you,
Speaker 1: why not spend your time helping and money helping the needy and the less fortunate?
Speaker 2: You're right. Maybe I sign with the Mets.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Please Don’t Destroy - Paul Mescal Is Daddy https://t.co/JkbjM6mLnG
Video Transcript AI Summary
Paul Meskel is hosting, and there's a humorous exchange about his appeal. The conversation shifts to expressing admiration for each other, leading to playful banter about moving in together. There's a suggestion of a deeper connection, with one party jokingly referring to themselves as "Daddy," while the other contemplates a life together in a cabin. They envision a simple, loving life, but acknowledge potential challenges from outsiders. The tone remains light-hearted, with a mix of affection and absurdity, culminating in a whimsical farewell.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: So then she says, Paul Meskel's hosting? I wish he'd crush my head like a watermelon between his two gorgeous thighs.
Speaker 1: That's so funny.
Speaker 0: Yeah. My girlfriend is hilarious. This is so fun, man. You're so down to earth. A lot of times when serious actors host, they can be kind of a lot.
Speaker 1: No. No. I get it. Us actors, we can be like an emotional bunch, but I I I don't know. I'm just I'm just trying to keep it low key this week.
You know?
Speaker 0: Yeah. Well, dude, we're pumped. We're huge fans, man. We love you. Yeah.
Yeah.
Speaker 1: Love me.
Speaker 0: Wow. Totally. Anyway, we had some sketch ideas we wanna do.
Speaker 1: I love you guys too.
Speaker 0: Great. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm I sorry. I didn't mean to make make that weird or anything.
Speaker 0: No. No. No worries, man.
Speaker 1: It's just yeah. Like, I I love you guys. I I think I'm in love with you.
Speaker 0: Dude, we love you too. But we did have some sketches we wanted to pitch you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Definitely.
Cool. I bet you guys are clocking up something good. No one will ever hurt you when I'm around. What's going on, brother? This is crazy.
I'm, like, shaking. I mean, maybe you guys are alright. Maybe we should move in together upstate.
Speaker 0: Did we say that? What is this, man? Is this a a sex thing? What? Come on.
Speaker 1: In time, maybe.
Speaker 0: Yes. Yeah. You wanna have sex with us? You're better off asking my girlfriend, buddy. It's okay.
It's okay. You know what, Paul? I think, genuinely, maybe we
Speaker 1: could go meet with other writers or something. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I should just go.
What was that? But what if I just stayed?
Speaker 0: You don't don't stay. I would just would go, probably.
Speaker 1: We could build a life together. I can see it so clearly. The 4 of us in our perfect little cabin. Little boys. Snowing.
Wow. It'd be simple. Protect you. Whatever could they be? Cherish you.
Help you grow.
Speaker 0: So you'd be like our dad?
Speaker 1: No. Daddy. Teach you how to hunt, how to be a mom. And you, you teach me what life's really about. Sure.
I'd have to leave for work sometimes, but I would always come home.
Speaker 0: Cole's back. He's back from playing another sad, hot guy.
Speaker 1: It'd be our little slice of paradise until the towns people found out. Yeah.
Speaker 0: Quickly here. Why are they here?
Speaker 1: The local militia doesn't understand folks like us.
Speaker 0: Paul, why do people hate?
Speaker 1: Because they don't know love like we do. Stay here.
Speaker 0: Papa.
Speaker 1: Who do you think you are?
Speaker 0: That's our daddy.
Speaker 1: And that's our life. It ain't perfect, but it's ours.
Speaker 0: Hey, guys. Did you wanna write the No.
Speaker 1: Good night, sweet boys.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
so which santa is it gonna be? https://t.co/jewdoJ6Tnd
Video Transcript AI Summary
Welcome to Santa's Village! This year, we have two Santas to choose from. Which one would you like for a cherished photo?
We want to see the white Santa, please.
Why two Santas? It cuts the wait time in half.
What should grandma do with the picture?
We just remembered we're Jewish.
Hi, we're here to meet Santa.
You can choose between two equally qualified Santas.
One Santa is busy, while the other is on a Zoom meeting.
I’ll wait for the busy one.
I’ll choose the Black Santa.
Please don’t call me Blanta.
It’s embarrassing that some can’t imagine Santa as anything but a straight white man.
Well, you’re in luck! Here’s Santa number three.
Hi! Ho ho ho!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Welcome to Santa's Village. Is everyone ready to get their picture taken with the big guy?
Speaker 1: Yep. It's Claire's first time.
Speaker 0: This year, we're doing something a little special. This year, we have 2 Santas to choose from. Hope. Hope. Poor New Year.
Oh, cool. All you gotta do is tell me which Santa you wanna go to.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. What?
Speaker 0: Which Santa do you want your daughter to get a picture with? A picture you'll cherish for the rest of your life. So Santa number 1 or Santa number 2? What is your preference? I guess, I don't know.
The regular one. Regular? Regular as opposed to extra crispy? You're gonna need to be a little more specific than that. The white one.
What was that? Couldn't quite hear you. We want to see the white Santa Claus, please. That is shocking right this way. Who's next?
Speaker 1: Hi. Yeah. I'm sorry. Why are there 2 Santas?
Speaker 0: Well, it's the busiest time of year, and this cuts the wait time in half. Aren't you happy there's 2 Santas? Yeah. Much more convenient. Thank you for doing this to us.
Okay. Okay. Time to decide. What do you want grandma to do with the picture? Do you want her to put it on the fridge or in the garage?
We so what sand is it gonna be? We just remembered that we're Jewish. Come on, gang. Alright. Alright.
A and a Lew Wasserman to you too.
Speaker 1: Hi. We're here to meet Santa.
Speaker 0: Well, we've got 2 equally qualified Santas to choose from. Take your pick.
Speaker 1: I don't know. They, both seem great.
Speaker 0: Well, they're only well, you know, they are, but only one seems to be getting all the work. That's right. One Santa's been busy all day, and the other Santa is so free, he's on a Zoom meeting.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't want to interrupt his meeting, so we'll just wait for the other one. Okay. Well, I just want to say, I will be choosing the black Santa. I see you, Blanta.
Speaker 0: Blanta is not a thing. Please do not call me that.
Speaker 1: I am just so embarrassed by these small minded people who can't even imagine Santa being anything other than a straight white man. In fact, if there was a queer female Santa, I would choose them.
Speaker 0: Well, you're in luck because they're here. Say hi to Santa number 3.
Speaker 1: Hi. Ho ho ho.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
need to know if Bob Dylan had a brat summer https://t.co/LiKpPAsKro
Video Transcript AI Summary
Bob, did you have a Bratz Summer?
Well, I might have enjoyed some sausages while watching Shohei Otani.
That sounds delicious! But what's your favorite Timothée Chalamet film?
I'm partial to his portrayal of the Nissan Altima.
Here comes Bruce Springsteen!
I was born to watch this movie!
Did you hit the hot bar?
Absolutely! Arancini everywhere, small bites but big flavor!
Do you have a favorite Chalamet movie?
I like the Wonka film; I grew up in a chocolate factory town.
Uh-oh, here comes Bono!
You must try the tiramisu in a shot glass.
Did you have a Bratz Summer?
No, the heat from climate change prevented that. We need to act now!
Lastly, rank Rory Gilmore's boyfriends from Gilmore Girls.
Jess, Logan, Dean.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Bob, Lacey Shea from BuzzFeed. I have to ask, did you slay the house down boots and have a Bratz Summer?
Speaker 1: What? A
Speaker 0: Bratz Summer. Did you have a Bratz Summer?
Speaker 1: Well, I might have had
Speaker 2: a curry worse than a drink of Frankfurt. Perhaps a Doctor. Dogg or 2 while watching Shohei Otani.
Speaker 1: But, that about sums up my sausage consumption.
Speaker 0: Bob, it's not about proverbs, man. I love this guy.
Speaker 1: I love you too, Timothee. But all this sausage dog has awoken my hunger, and I hear there's a hot bar at the end of the step and repeat. So if you'll excuse me.
Speaker 0: Oh, hold on. Not so fast, Bob. While I have the 2 of you, Buzzfeed has to know. Bob, what is your favorite Timmy film?
Speaker 1: Well, I must say
Speaker 2: I'm partial myself to his portrayal of the Nissan Altair.
Speaker 1: Hello, little feature.
Speaker 0: OMG. Here comes Bruce Springsteen.
Speaker 3: Baby, I was born to watch this movie. Wait. Boss.
Speaker 1: You already hit the hot bar.
Speaker 3: Oh, sure did, Bob. Aroncini as far as the eye can see. The bites might be small, but the flavor's as big as the American spirit.
Speaker 1: Why did I skip breakfast? Relinquish me, both feet. I long to see the promised land.
Speaker 0: These guys love appetizers. And Bruce, do you have a favorite Chalamet movie?
Speaker 3: Oh, you know, I like that Wonka picture. You know, I grew up in a chocolate factory town. I remember the day they closed it down. Pops came home drunk. Mama ran off with a oompa loompa.
But, of course, like all my stories, that's not true.
Speaker 0: You guys are crazy. I'm gonna go. Uh-oh. Here comes rock legend, Bono.
Speaker 3: Alright. Bono.
Speaker 2: You have to try the tiramisu. It comes in a shot glass, and they give you a tiny spoon.
Speaker 1: A tiny tiramisu. Oh, you're testing
Speaker 2: me, Bono. Like Job, a Christ in the wilderness.
Speaker 0: Okay. Well, Bono, as a Buzzfeed employee, I legally have to ask,
Speaker 1: did you
Speaker 0: have a Brat, Summer?
Speaker 2: I didn't have a brat, Summer. I could not possibly because of the sweltering heat brought on by climate change. We must act now. I just saw a documentary about the devastating effects of global warming. It was called Hot Frosty.
Speaker 0: Yes. But first, BuzzFeed is making me ask
Speaker 4: one more question. And based on your answer
Speaker 0: so far, there's no way it's gonna be good. But if you had to rank Rory Gilmore's boyfriends from Gilmore Girls, what would it be?
Speaker 1: Jess Logan Dean.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
every good lawyer has a plan A, B, and C https://t.co/HJ54BMWtyd
Video Transcript AI Summary
Did you see the man who committed the robbery?
Yes, I did.
Could you point him out?
That's him in the green suit, Devo hat, and beard.
That description fits many people here.
I’m talking about him right there.
There are still several who match that description. If the witness can’t identify him, I move for dismissal.
Motion denied.
Did you really think hiring lookalikes would work?
No, this is my big move.
Could you point out the robber again?
It was your client, but the shuffling makes it unclear.
I move for dismissal.
Denied.
We all know it’s your client.
Can I speak with my client?
They know it’s you, and you’re in trouble.
Your client is not a buff man.
Plans A and B failed.
What’s your final remark?
If you don’t dismiss this case, I’ll harm myself.
You’re not going to do that.
He knew I wouldn’t.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: And you saw the man who committed this robbery? Yes?
Speaker 1: That's right. I did.
Speaker 2: I got a real good look at him. That's
Speaker 0: right. She did. Got a real good look at him. Could you please point him out to the rest of us?
Speaker 1: Yes. That's him right there in the green suit, Devo hat, and beard.
Speaker 0: Your honor, I'm sorry, but that could describe perhaps 20 different people in this courtroom.
Speaker 2: Talking about him right there in the green suit. Yeah. But, miss Shane, there is perhaps, I don't know, maybe 1, 2, perhaps, even 20 people in this courtroom that
Speaker 0: fits that description. Your honor, if the witness cannot identify who she saw, I move for this case to be dismissed.
Speaker 3: Motion denied. But your honor,
Speaker 2: I'd wager there's perhaps maybe 20 people. Stop it.
Speaker 3: Do you really thought that would work, hiring 20 people? Perhaps 20. Yes. 20 people to just dress like your client? That was your big move?
Speaker 0: No, your honor. This is my big move.
Speaker 2: Gentlemen, shuffle. I'm a shame.
Speaker 0: Could you again please point out the man that you saw commit this robbery?
Speaker 2: Yes. It was your client, the one sitting right there. But how can we know that that's still him? Your honor, the men that you admit look exactly like my client just shuffled all around.
Speaker 0: The man sitting there now could be any one of them.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. I'm going to jail. So given that due to the the shuffling, it's impossible to tell if that's my client.
Speaker 0: I'm afraid I have to move for dismissal.
Speaker 3: Denied. But your honor No. Shut up. This is ridiculous. We all know that that's your client.
No one is confused.
Speaker 2: Uh-huh. May I
Speaker 0: have a moment to speak with my client? Sorry, pal. They all know it's you, and you're getting the chair.
Speaker 3: That is not your client.
Speaker 2: Who's to say? Again, due to the shuffling, there's no way to know. Your
Speaker 3: client is not a buff African American man.
Speaker 0: Alright. Got some bad news, buddy. Plans a and b ain't working out too hot
Speaker 2: right now. No. No. That was 2 plants.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Yeah. Plan a was to just kinda have them sitting back there. And plan b was to have them shuffle all around. But, yeah, they they saw right through that.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Obviously, Matt.
Speaker 0: Don't worry. There's still plan c. Your honor, I'm ready to close. Yeah. Great.
Speaker 3: What are your final remarks?
Speaker 0: I just wanna say, if you don't dismiss this case,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna kill myself. No. No. You're not.
Speaker 3: I know you're not gonna do that.
Speaker 0: Bad news, buddy. He knew I wasn't gonna do that.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
a simple secret santa gift, yet so much more https://t.co/I3V8u9VNzF
Video Transcript AI Summary
I made you into a Simpsons character using an app called Simsify.
That's hilarious! Thank you, Trevor. It's the best gift ever.
Next, I opened my gift—a jump rope. I panicked, but I like it, even if I can't use it for a while.
What would my job be in Springfield?
Maybe you're the medical director.
Wrong! I'm a dance teacher at Bart's school, and he likes me because I see potential in him.
I opened tampons—great, now I won't have to buy new pants.
I'd avoid Homer; he's not a good guy.
I think he hits Marge.
In my episode, Bart comes to my dance class upset, so I go to Marge and realize she's been hurt. I decide to find Homer, probably at Moe's with Barney.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Okay. What am I looking at?
Speaker 1: Well, not to out myself as your secret Santa, but I made you into a Simpsons character.
Speaker 0: You made me into a Simpsons character? So I'm, like, in the show now? Well,
Speaker 1: no. I just made it using an app called Simsify. You send in a photo, and they make it look like you're in the Simpsons.
Speaker 0: I've been Simsified. That that's hilarious. Thank you, Trevor. This is the best gift I've ever gotten in my life. Seriously.
Speaker 2: Okay. Guess I'll go next. Let's see what my secret Santa got me. Oh, a jump rope.
Speaker 0: I panicked.
Speaker 2: No. I like it. I'm just not totally sure that I can use it for another 7 months.
Speaker 0: Again, I'm really sorry. Question. What would my job be in Springfield?
Speaker 3: Carol? Maybe you're the medical director at a teaching hospital like you are in real life.
Speaker 0: Wrong.
Speaker 2: Wheels? My name is Susan.
Speaker 1: Well, in his defense, your name is Susan Wheels.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I just don't think he meant it that way, but, maybe you work with mister Burns.
Speaker 0: No. I'm a dance teacher at Bart's school, and Bart likes me because I see something in him.
Speaker 1: Cool, man. Yeah. That seems fine. I'm glad you're enjoying the gift.
Speaker 3: Okay. Can I do a gift now? I haven't opened mine yet. Tampons. Oh my god.
I've been meaning to try these. Now I won't have to keep buying new pants.
Speaker 0: I'll tell you who I'd like to avoid in Springfield, Homer, who is not a good guy.
Speaker 1: Oh, really? I don't know. I think he's kinda funny.
Speaker 0: So it's funny to drink all day and strangle your son and hit your wife? I
Speaker 1: don't think Homer hits Marge.
Speaker 0: In my episode, he does. In your episode of the Simpsons, Homer hits Marge? Well, that that's part of it. I mean, what else happens around? Come on.
Let's go around. What else happens in my episode?
Speaker 1: Maybe Milhouse gets a cool haircut and Bart gets jealous?
Speaker 0: That's good, but not for my episode. Let's save it for something else. Here's what I think happens. Here's what I think happens. Bart goes to my dance class, but he's got tears in his eyes.
Something's wrong at home. So I go see Marge, and I can tell somebody kicked her ass. You gotta tell chief Wiggum. Chief Wiggum is too stupid and fat. No.
I take matters into my own hands, so I go looking for Homer.
Speaker 1: Oh, he's probably at Moe's.
Speaker 0: He is. He's been drinking all night.
Speaker 2: Probably with his buddy, Barney.
Speaker 0: Yes, Wheels. You're on a roll. I don't love
Speaker 3: that.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
a mom whose son just got famous (and her son) stop by the Update desk! https://t.co/nCS6WrneiX
Video Transcript AI Summary
Hi, Bodhi. Hi, Maylisa. Congrats on your big contract with the Panthers!
Thank you! I’m excited about a commercial too—I'm the new face of Crazy Bread for Little Caesars.
Money is coming in! And by the way, my last name is Dookie, from my late husband, Davonte Dookie, who played for the Falcons.
Everyone's curious about who I'm dating now. I was seen with Manny from Modern Family—he's 27!
But remember, the average NFL career is just three years. What’s next if it ends?
If needed, I might have to make another baby!
We are Dukies; we don’t crumble under pressure.
Even when things get tough, we stay solid.
The Dukie family, everyone!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hi, Bodhi. Hi, Melissa.
Speaker 1: It's Maylisa. And that joke about cucumbers squirting, y'all are wrong for that.
Speaker 0: So, Bodhi, you signed a pretty big contract with the Panthers.
Speaker 2: Yes, sir. God is good.
Speaker 1: God is God is great, y'all. Okay. Because this is Balmain. These are Uglies, and I'm scooting in Labootings. So perfect.
Thank you. Speaking of, where's the changing room for Shaboozy? Because I should about to get laid. I am loving this life.
Speaker 0: It sounds like it, but imagine having a son in the NFL comes with a price.
Speaker 1: Yeah. It was a sacrifice. My son committed himself to this so hard. He had to sacrifice having a personality.
Speaker 3: Trust the process.
Speaker 1: That's right, baby. Nothing behind those eyes. But my baby's a baller. Look at the VIP bracelet. I'm about to show Shaboozy my shaboozy.
Okay? Now, you know what? Trust that powerhouse.
Speaker 0: Cool. So Cody, I
Speaker 3: It is
Speaker 1: cool. I already
Speaker 0: have an exciting opportunity coming up.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm doing a commercial. All praise to the Lord.
Speaker 1: Yeah. That's right. Okay. I messed my baby up. You're looking at the new face of crazy bread.
Alright? Little Caesars, y'all. Say your big line, Boats.
Speaker 2: Pizza comma pizza.
Speaker 1: Don't say the comma, baby. We talked about this.
Speaker 2: Pizza, no comma, pizza.
Speaker 1: Okay. Close enough. But y'all, money is falling out the sky. Right? Step aside, mama Kelsey.
There's a new mama in town, mama Dookie.
Speaker 0: Your last name is Dookie?
Speaker 1: Yes. My second husband's name was Dookie, Davonte Dookie. Right tackle for the Falcons, died of IBS.
Speaker 2: I miss you, daddy Dookie.
Speaker 1: But I'm sure y'all wanna get your headline. Who is mama Dookie dating now?
Speaker 0: Everybody is asking that.
Speaker 1: Yes. I was spotted at Einstein Brothers Bagels with Manny from Modern Family. Oh, shut up. He's 27, y'all.
Speaker 3: Trust the process.
Speaker 0: You know, not to be rude, but some people shouldn't ever become rich. Why? Why is the camera on me? You know, Bodie, the average NFL career is 3 years. Things are good for you now, but, you know, what will you do if all this comes to an end?
Speaker 1: Then let's just say I might need to make another she baby. But seriously, baby, what do we always say?
Speaker 2: We are Dukies. That's what you say?
Speaker 1: That that's right. We are Dukies. We do not crumble. Yep.
Speaker 2: Even even when you put the squeeze on us, we stay solid Dukies.
Speaker 0: That's gross. The Dukie family, everybody.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Crime Stories with Nancy Grace: Luigi Mangione https://t.co/XvbGSUE2QP
Video Transcript AI Summary
Good evening, America. The masked CEO shooter, Luigi Mangione, has been unmasked, and surprisingly, he's become a sex symbol online. People are posting comments about his appeal, which is shocking given his criminal actions.
Joining us is psychological analyst Dr. Barbara Kratz, who agrees there's a lot to unpack. We also hear from Donnell Davis, who was at McDonald's during the incident. He humorously notes that women love bad boys and discusses the struggles of the healthcare system, sharing his own challenges with insurance.
Another guest, who resembles Mangione, shares his mixed experiences of being tackled by bounty hunters while receiving attention from admirers. The conversation highlights the absurdity of the situation and the state of healthcare in the country.
This has been Com Stories with Nancy Grace.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Good evening, America. I'm Nancy Grace. Our top story tonight, the masked CEO shooter has been unmasked. And guess what? It's game over, Luigi.
And of course, everyone online celebrated the hard work of law enforcement in apprehending this dangerous criminal. Just kidding. Y'all suckers made him a sex symbol. That's right. The health care assassin Luigi Mangione has got women and gay guys a lot, hot and bothered.
I mean, seriously, this guy looks like Dave Franco with Eugene Levy's eyebrows. I mean, Rolly, what is going on in this country? Y'all, this man is not a sex icon. Okay? This man is, and I cannot say this any clearer, amortor.
And yet folks online are posting things like, am I reading this right? Luigi's got that BDE? Rolly, I have BDE stands for behavior that's evil. And what? The assassin's a twerk.
What's a twerk? Like a twee twerk?
Speaker 1: Or or how
Speaker 0: about this comment? Am I I've seen this comment in all his photos. Raw. Next question.
Speaker 1: I got a question. Who raised you?
Speaker 0: I mean, what is happening in this country, y'all? Joining us now is psychological analyst, doctor Barbara Kratz. And, Barbara, what do you like of all this? Well, Nancy, there's a lot to unpack here. Couldn't agree more.
Thank you for joining
Speaker 1: us. I mean, this guy was dangerous, y'all.
Speaker 0: They're saying he did it with a ghost gun. Hell,
Speaker 1: I could use a ghost
Speaker 0: gun because every night, I wake up to JonBenet's spirit screaming,
Speaker 1: you used to be.
Speaker 0: Quicken a terrible frauds because this is YouTube, we could be interrupted at any second by an insanely loud ad. I don't know when, but I
Speaker 2: Hey. What if I told you you could shed belly fat by only eating hamburgers? Bro, I'd be lying.
Speaker 0: Joining us now is Donnell Davis, a man who was at the McDonald's when this went down.
Speaker 1: Donnell, what were you doing at the McDonald's?
Speaker 3: The same thing that I've been doing there every day since I got laid off 9 months ago, pretending to go to work so my wife doesn't find out.
Speaker 0: Now, Domelle, you were feist to feist with this criminal. Can you believe people are attracted to the sexy slayer?
Speaker 3: I mean, you could look at him and tell he had hoes. You know? I mean, women love bad boys. You know? Back in the day, you could impress your old lady with a little poem.
Now you gotta write a manifesto.
Speaker 0: It is sickening. Now, Domelle, some people are claiming that health care in this country is bad. Like, what? Then how come my dentist gives me breast exams for free? Now, Donnell, what's your take on health care in this crunchy?
Speaker 3: Well, Madison, I've been eating McDonald's every day for 3 years. I got type 10 diabetes. Blue Cross? Bitch, I got blue foot. You know what my health insurance plan is called?
Hoping it goes away.
Speaker 0: Now, Donnell, have you ever tried alternative medicine?
Speaker 3: Yeah. When they tell me how much the procedure cost, I go, what's the alternative?
Speaker 0: Thank you, Donnell. Now our next guest is someone who has been affected closely by the story, a guy who happens to look like Luigi Mangione.
Speaker 4: Hey, Nancy. Yeah. This whole thing's kind
Speaker 5: of been a roller coaster for me. On one hand, I keep getting tackled by bounty hunters, but on the other hand, I've gotten some of the horniest DMs in my life. I mean, I haven't paid for a meal in Brooklyn in days.
Speaker 0: Well, what do you think about the health care system and this crunchy?
Speaker 4: Well, Nancy, honestly, I think Hey, fellas.
Speaker 2: Do you want a longer dong in under 6 days? Well, so do I.
Speaker 0: Well, sad. Well, y'all, this has been Com Stories with Moon Nancy Grace. And am I rooting this right? A lot from
Speaker 1: New York, it's Saturday night.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Chris Rock's monologue! https://t.co/MedUMLCBqz
Video Transcript AI Summary
Welcome to Saturday Night Live's 50th anniversary! Congratulations to Lorne Michaels on 25 years of SNL. The news is wild, and security was intense getting in tonight. There's a lot of focus on a recent tragedy involving a man with a family, but it’s been a tough year for many, including Kamala and Diddy. Jake Paul’s antics against older fighters are ridiculous. Trump had an eventful year, surviving an assassination attempt and winning the presidency again. People worry about his lack of dignity, but history shows we've had undignified presidents before. Meanwhile, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, which is what any parent would do. We have a great show ahead with Gracie Abrams, so stick around!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes. Welcome to Saturday Night Live. This is all about the 50th anniversary of Saturday Night Live.
Been around for 50 years. Wanna congratulate Lorne Michaels on 25 great years of Saturday Night Live. A lot going on in the news. My god. It's so crazy out there.
It's so hard just getting in the building tonight. So much security. My god. My god. I had to walk by a bunch of baby oil snipping dogs.
It was insane. Everybody's worried. Everybody's worried. I mean, we we got Luigi. We got Luigi, you know, and that's good.
I I really feel sorry for the for the family. I mean, everybody's fixated on how good looking this guy looks. If he looked like Jonah Hill, no one would care. They'd already gave him the chair already. He'd be dead.
Okay? But he actually killed a man, a a man, a man with a family, a man with kids, man. I mean, I have condolences. I'm gonna I don't know. I have real condolences for, you know, for the health care CEO.
I mean, this is a real person, you know? But you also gotta, you know, sometimes drug dealers get shot. I mean, you you've seen The Wire. Right? It's been a bad year for my people, the blacks.
It's been it's not been a good year. Kamala and Diddy and Jake Paul beating Mike Tyson. What the hell? Who is this Jake Paul? This 27 year old punching a 60 year old man in the face.
Is this what the white man has reduced his son to? Stop it. Well, who's he gonna fight next? Morgan Freeman? I hate Jake Paul.
I got I got a landlord hate for. I hate him. I hate him like cocaine hates monogamy. The big thing big thing, Trump, man. Trump.
Trump, man. Trump had a good year, man. Trump's survived an assassination attempt. Survived assassination attempt. Won won the presidency again by winning the popular vote.
Was just named time man of the year. You know? It could happen to a nicer guy. You know? A lot of people are scared.
It's like, oh my god. He's he's gonna be so undignified. And when I say a lot of people, I'm talking about the 9 New Yorkers that didn't vote for him. Okay? No.
No. No. People are like, he's gonna be so undignified. It's it's the presidency of the United States. Dude, it's the United States presidency.
It's not, you know come on. We've had some presidents in the United States. Come on, man. This is not the most dignified job in the world. You know, we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves.
Okay? And I'm just talking about Bill Clinton. I mean, you know what country we live in. You know the history of this country. You know how many rapists are in my wallet right now?
Sir, in a cup of coffee in America cost 7 rapists. And Trump's gonna get it down to 3. That's right, man. It's a crazy Menendez Brothers getting out of jail. Menendez brothers.
Yeah. Getting out of jail just in time to get deported. Trump is gonna deport that, you murdering Mexicans. Trump is not playing, man. It's right.
This time is totally different. He's working with the number one African American in the world, the richest African American in the world, Elon Musk. That's right. He is African American. Elon got more kids than the Cleveland Browns.
That's right. Nobody knows how to get rid of people like a South African. Oh, are you serious? Trump is not planned. They got Elon.
They gonna put him on a on a rocket ship. Call it Space Max. Oh, yeah. J. Lo's gonna marry Ben again just so she can stay in the country.
I know she's not Mexican, but Trump don't know that. It's just a big old Latin stew trying to keep immigrants out. My god. You know, a lot less immigrants would come into America if you stop paying them $700,000,000 to play baseball. It's like Steve Cohen bought 1 Dominican for $700,000,000.
Used to be able to get a whole bushel for that much. I said bushel. And the big story this week that's right, man. Joe Biden pardoned his son, Hunter Biden. I gotta hand it to Joe, man.
You know, he don't move as fast as he used to. He don't talk as fast as he used to, you know, but that middle finger still works, That's right, man. People have complained. Got the nerve to complain. Like, oh, what only an animal would not pardon their son.
My god. Imagine going home to your wife if you didn't pardon your son. Every parent in the world would pardon their son, except the parents of the Menendez brothers. And we got a great show for you today. Gracie Abrams is here.
So stick around, and we'll be right back.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Watch the #SNLThanksgiving Special tonight at 9/8c on @nbc! Streaming next day on @peacock https://t.co/Ih0J0shhsv
Video Transcript AI Summary
Ready, Adam? I've been working on my song, and I hope you enjoy it.
Love to eat turkey because it’s delicious. A turkey for me, a turkey for you—let’s eat turkey together! I love turkey at the table. I once saw a movie with Betty Grable. Eating turkey all night long, 50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong!
Thanksgiving is special. Turkey with gravy and cranberry is the best. I remember camp at Lakeland and playing hockey.
Come on, Kevin, let’s have fun! A turkey for me, and I’m ready to gobble it up. My favorite band is in corduroys. Gobble gobble!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Alright. Adam, are you ready?
Speaker 1: Yes. I am, Kevin. I've worked all week on my song, and I hope you'll be entertained and a little moved. Love to eat turkey. Love to eat turkey.
Love to eat turkey because it's good. Love to eat the turkey like
Speaker 0: a good boy should. Because it's turkey to eat. So good. A turkey for me. Turkey for you.
Let's eat turkey in a big round shoe. Love to eat the turkey at the table. I once saw a movie with Betty Grable. Eat that turkey all night long. 50,000,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong.
Turkey, turkey, d. Turkey, turkey, dap. I eat, turkey, and I take a nap. Thanksgiving
Speaker 1: is a special night.
Speaker 0: Jimmy Walker
Speaker 1: used to
Speaker 0: say dynamite. That's right. Turkey with the gravy and the cranberry. Can't believe the mache traded down a strawberry. Turkey bore you and the turkey bore me.
Can't believe Tyson gave the girl BD. A gobble gobble bee. A gobble gobble docky. I used to go to camp at Lakeland and push hockey. Come on, Kevin.
No. That's okay. Oh, it'll be fun. Okay. A turkey for me.
I Sammy Davis Junior only had one eye. Old turkey with the girls and a turkey with the boys. My favorite kind of band star corduroys. Gobble gobble
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Please Don’t Destroy - Mean Cute with @charli_xcx https://t.co/IZZyr2QYXj
Video Transcript AI Summary
Their house looks good. I love podcasts. Oh, I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking. Gravity's Rainbow is my favorite book. I'm Charlie. I'm Ben. Would you ever watch where you're going? You charged into me like a rhino! It's November; shouldn't you be with the Halloween decorations? What are you listening to? A podcast on how to be less of a coward? You have something in your hair—oh, it's a rat. I thought I was unlucky in love. Hi, I had to draw you; I call it "getting hit by a garbage truck." Most lesbians are fans. You can say my music sucks. At least you know who I am. We're on SNL! You're like 6'7" with the confidence of a 52-year-old. We're way more brat than you—brat stands for being really awesome together. Good day!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Yeah. Their house looks good.
Speaker 1: Love podcasts. Podcasts are so good.
Speaker 0: Oh. Oh.
Speaker 1: Oh. Oh my god. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 0: Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. Jesus.
Speaker 1: Let me
Speaker 0: help you.
Speaker 1: No. That that was my fault. I wasn't looking for a scone.
Speaker 0: Gravity's Rainbow. I love this book.
Speaker 1: Are you serious? That's my all time favorite.
Speaker 0: I'm Charlie.
Speaker 1: Ben.
Speaker 0: Hey, this might be crazy, but would you ever wanna watch where the you're going?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 0: You just charged into me like a rhino, you dead eyed ginger.
Speaker 1: Sorry. I'm guessing I'm just confused. It's November. Weren't you supposed to get put away with the rest of the Halloween decorations?
Speaker 0: So what are you listening to? A podcast on how to become less of a pussy?
Speaker 1: Hey. I got something in your hair. Oh, it's a rat.
Speaker 0: See you around, babe. It was at that moment I knew I was never gonna find the love of my life at SNL. But life has a funny way of Hey.
Speaker 1: So sorry. Here. Let's just try to get it back in.
Speaker 0: I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: No. I I'm sorry. I was walking around like a
Speaker 0: Like a dumb, hairy Italian. And John. I know. I can smell your garlic breath from down the hall.
Speaker 1: Bob Bene. Bob Bene. Gagadie Walmart.
Speaker 0: Sorry. You didn't deserve that. Hey. Speaking of things you don't deserve, how's your career going, daddy's boy? Wait.
Speaker 1: And it's daddy's man.
Speaker 0: I think I finally found the one. The one is gonna kill me in an alley after a show.
Speaker 1: I would never go to one of your shows.
Speaker 0: Alright, you stinky Sicilian. I'll grab my pepper spray now. I was starting to think that maybe I was unlucky in love, or maybe I hadn't found what I was looking for.
Speaker 1: Oh, sorry.
Speaker 0: Were you just
Speaker 1: Trying to steal your purse? Yeah. I guess I was. Hi. I'm not my first rodeo girl.
Hey. I hope this doesn't make me sound weird, but you're so stunning I had to draw you. Really? Getting hit by a garbage truck. I call this wishful thinking.
Speaker 0: Funny. I thought you'd be a fan. Most lesbians are. Job, sir. Looks like I'm talking to the all male reboot of Hocus Pocus.
What? Hey.
Speaker 1: You know, you can say Charlie's music
Speaker 0: sucks. Oh, so there's no but? Just like you, Martin. No but? That is over the line.
At least you know who I am. I've never heard of you.
Speaker 1: We're on SNL, sweetie.
Speaker 0: Once Once every 6 episodes? You're, like, 6 7 with the confidence of a man who's 52. What's wrong with being 52?
Speaker 1: Let's go, guys. And by the way, Charlie, we're way more brat than you. Because to us, brat stands for being really awesome together. So good day.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
what Americans think will happen when they visit Ireland https://t.co/YY5u2qtTGC
Video Transcript AI Summary
Everyone is excited to learn about a young man's heritage. He shares that his surname is Krayjewski and that his grandmother's maiden name is O'Connor. The group is eager to connect with their Irish roots, especially since he has family ties dating back to the 1860s. One person mentions they are 1/16th Scottish, linking to the McDonald clan, which impresses another. The atmosphere is lively as they celebrate their ancestry, and the young man shows off a meaningful tattoo from college, prompting a toast to his unique identity.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Everyone, a son of the silent return doors. Oh, my god. He's silent. He's silent. Dora.
Speaker 1: Settle down. Settle down. But I want to ask Settle down. Settle down. I want to
Speaker 0: ask him questions about his
Speaker 1: heritage, John. Then I want
Speaker 0: to know what Countier's family comes from. Even if he pronounces it wrong.
Speaker 1: Oh, we all do, Molly. Look. We're all obviously excited, but the lad doesn't want to spend his holiday answering our questions.
Speaker 2: Guys, it's fine. Really, I'm happy to talk about my ancestry.
Speaker 0: He loves talking about it. He's definitely got the gift of the gab. Is that some kind of joke or does he really have it? Does he really have the gift of the cow? She does?
Speaker 2: Yeah. I love to chat. Christ on
Speaker 1: a cross, don't you see, lad? We have that too. Hibernian blood truly runs in your veins. I can't hold it back any longer. I must know the boy's surname.
Speaker 2: It's, Krayjewski.
Speaker 0: Oh, no.
Speaker 1: Don't let him finish.
Speaker 2: But my grandmother's maiden name was O'Connor. Oh, there's only
Speaker 1: a few million people with that last name. There's there's one right here in the village, Susan O'Connor from down the lane. Quick. Someone run and fetch your go now. Well, I'm sorry.
This is just a huge day for us. When did your people leave for America?
Speaker 2: I think the 18 sixties, maybe.
Speaker 1: Oh, Jesus. That's practically yesterday. He'd barely been away at all. Oh, okay. So it's John.
Don't look now, but the whole village has turned up to see the practical side of return.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Go
Speaker 1: on, lad. Loads of boots and lad. Sorry. And, what of the missus? Yeah.
Are you a child of the island as well?
Speaker 0: Sadly, no. But I am 1 16 Scottish.
Speaker 1: You're not gonna believe this, but Angus, this young lady is 1 16th Scottish.
Speaker 3: Can it be, lass? Are you really 1 16th gun to me?
Speaker 0: Maybe. My great granddad's last name was McDonald.
Speaker 3: Forgive me. I didn't know you were of the noble bloodline Clan McDonald. My lady, I plunged you my filthy and one half of my oak crop as the ancient highland lords demand. Oh,
Speaker 0: yeah. That's so cool. Thank you.
Speaker 1: No. Sue Susan's here. Susan, this lad. I know he sounds American, but we've learned something amazing. He's actually 1 quarter Irish.
Speaker 0: Yes, you know. I'll need proof. Oh oh, babe. Show them your tattoo.
Speaker 2: Oh. Yeah. I got this in college. It's actually really meaningful to me.
Speaker 0: Welcome, all my. A toast to this man in his unique authentic tattoo.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
every workplace needs a lizley https://t.co/OhzEbQt0mL
Video Transcript AI Summary
There's a foreign object in the patient's abdomen—an AirPod. Leslie admits it's hers, causing a stir. The patient, awake and aware, comments on the lack of anesthesia and calls out Leslie for her behavior. Despite the annoyance, it's acknowledged that every workplace needs someone like her to keep things lively. The conversation turns humorous as they joke about each other's roles and names, with Aloysius Cooter feeling left out. Leslie reveals she just needed to charge her AirPods, and the group expresses mixed feelings about the situation.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: I'm looking at the x-ray. There's a foreign object in the patient's abdomen. It looks like an AirPod.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Okay. I'm just gonna own it. It was me. What?
Lizzie. Get out of here. Don't make Lizzie cry. When she cries, she sounds like a Victorian ghost.
Speaker 0: Doc, the patient is stirring.
Speaker 1: I am awake. Of course, I'm awake because I wasn't given enough anesthesia. Well, actually, it wasn't me. We all know it was you, Leslie. You're right.
I'll own that. Yeah. And I heard the way you guys were talking to her, and it's not okay. Alright? Oh, sir, I think you punctured an artery when you sat up.
No. Shh. I'm not done. Is Leslie annoying? Yes.
If she was a guy, would I punch her in the face? Yes. If I were a woman, would I punch her in the face? Without a doubt. But every workplace needs a Liz Lee.
Yeah. Everyone needs everyone needs a Liz Lee. Every every workplace needs a lizard. One annoying coworker to rag on. If it if it wasn't her, it would be you, nurse Michelle.
Oh my god. Yes. Or you unnamed male nurse. I I have a name. It's Aloysius Cooter.
Okay. Well, that's your name. That sucks. Now and you, not sure what your role in this skit is, but but so happy you're getting airtime. Good luck.
Hope your parents are proud of you. Oh, thank god he skipped me. No. No. No.
I was just getting to you. Dad, how much blood you got? You know what? Apparently a lot, but maybe maybe I'll buried at this at this address. 184 oh, god.
Oh my god. Right. What did you do, Leslie? I'm just gonna order? I needed to charge my AirPods.
Sweet. Don't you guys mad at me?
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
everyone makes mistakes, but never charlie https://t.co/E67kmwAwJz
Video Transcript AI Summary
At the holiday party, an awkward moment arose when Mark mistakenly questioned the dynamics of David's relationship with his husband. Charlie humorously defended himself, recalling a past comment about being straight but jokingly suggesting he could serve as a Christmas tree. The conversation turned to Charlie's questionable behavior, including accusations of stealing a vending machine and misusing the CFO's credit card for OnlyFans accounts. It was revealed that Charlie's real name is Ricky Lamont, and he had a warrant out for making fake e-bike batteries that caused fires. Despite the chaos, the group shared laughs over the absurdity of the situation.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: David, I know when I met your husband at the holiday party, I you know, we kinda had a awkward exchange.
Speaker 1: Oh, you mean when you asked us who the guy was in our relationship?
Speaker 2: Yeah. That's a little more than awkward.
Speaker 3: Seriously, Mark? What a dumbass.
Speaker 0: I said it. I was wrong. I get it now.
Speaker 4: Now now now, I think I know where Mark is coming from here because, David, I remember telling you and your husband something like, hey, man. Look here. Old Charlie is straighter than a chopstick. But if we was in a joint, I'd call you and your husband knickknack and patty whack because you'd be giving this dog a bone. And then I would shake my head, do a little dance, and I would say, don't you hurt each other with them things.
You gotta forgive me.
Speaker 1: Seriously, Charlie, it would be an honor to serve with you.
Speaker 3: You you cannot fire Charlie. Can't you
Speaker 2: just give him Mark's job instead?
Speaker 5: Don't you think I I've already tried that, Gail.
Speaker 0: You offered the door guy my job.
Speaker 1: I'm the VIP of sales.
Speaker 2: He's been drinking since 6 AM.
Speaker 4: Hey. You gotta stay wet. Now, Gail, don't you worry about me. Maybe I can land a job as your Christmas tree because I'm already decorated. I got silver thistle, 3 balls, and plenty of diggaling for the whole family.
Speaker 2: Okay. Don't make promises you can't keep, Charlie. How are you okay with this guy?
Speaker 1: What if I said I wanted to shake my dig a ling a ling?
Speaker 2: Oh. Why do you have to make everything sexual? Yeah. He's just being a sweet old guy.
Speaker 4: You know what? I think I know why I'm being fired, Tommy. You remember the other day when I caught you leaving the company gym?
Speaker 1: No, Charlie. I don't.
Speaker 4: Well, you was wearing them gray sweatpants, and I accused you of trying to smuggle out a can of tennis balls.
Speaker 1: Not ringing a bell.
Speaker 4: No. But then you told me that was all you. So I pointed at it, and I yelled, ain't no way itty bitty Tommy is slinging wood like that. It was real loud in front of everybody.
Speaker 1: Vaguely.
Speaker 4: And then I shook my head, and I did a little dance. And I said,
Speaker 2: don't you hurt nobody with that thing, darling?
Speaker 0: Okay. Yeah. Now I remember. Yes.
Speaker 4: Yes. Is that why I'm getting fired?
Speaker 6: Actually, no, Charlie. You're being fired because you were caught on camera stealing a whole vending machine and reporting it missing.
Speaker 4: Well, technically, it is missing.
Speaker 6: Plus, you charge the CFO's credit card with 32 different OnlyFans accounts.
Speaker 4: Oh, so it went through? Mhmm.
Speaker 6: And your urine sample had a melted baggie of cocaine in it.
Speaker 5: So that's why I dropped it. Plus, your name's not Charlie.
Speaker 6: It's Ricky Lamont. You have a warrant for making fake e bike batteries.
Speaker 4: Oh, because they all caught on fire and they burnt up everybody? That's my bad, man. Okay?
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che! https://t.co/i3gIi15p0V
Video Transcript AI Summary
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to Weekend Update. This week, America debated who will portray a suspect in a Netflix miniseries. After the arrest of Luigi Mangione, a note revealed his anger at corporate America, despite his visits to Starbucks and McDonald's.
In New Jersey, tensions rose over mysterious drones after one crashed into a backyard.
Donald Trump was named Time's person of the year, while Amazon plans to donate $1 million to his inauguration. Trump also joked about ending daylight savings time by challenging the sun.
Matt Gaetz will host a new talk show, and a lawyer has petitioned to revoke the polio vaccine approval.
Elon Musk donated $20 million to a group claiming Trump and Ruth Bader Ginsburg agreed on abortion.
Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson made her Broadway debut, while Mitch McConnell suffered minor injuries after a fall during a lunch.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Good evening, everyone.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. Welcome, Joe.
Speaker 0: This week, America continued the delicate, sensitive debate over who will play this guy in the Netflix miniseries. Uh-huh. After police arrested suspected CEO shooter Luigi Mangione, they found a note on him expressing anger at corporate America. Yet, he went to Starbucks before the shooting and then was caught at McDonald's. So perhaps his greatest crime was hypocrisy.
The McDonald's where the shooter got caught has been getting 1 star Yelp reviews to punish them for snitching. First of all, who looks at Yelp reviews of McDonald's? The only Yelp review of McDonald's should be was open 5 stars. Everyone who went to high school with the alleged shooter said they were shocked that he could become an assassin, whereas everyone I went to high school with was shocked I didn't.
Speaker 1: Tensions over mysterious drones flying above New Jersey continued to rise after a drone crashed into a person's backyard. But at least now we know whoever's flying them is a freaking woman. Isn't it work?
Speaker 0: Donald Trump has been named Time's person of the year because no person on earth has taken up more of our goddamn time.
Speaker 1: Amazon. Amazon is planning to donate $1,000,000 to Donald Trump's inauguration. It makes sense because Amazon and Trump both wanna ship stuff out as fast as possible. It's the nineties, guys.
Speaker 0: Trump also said Friday that he would try to permanently end daylight savings time by challenging the sun to a staring contest.
Speaker 1: It was announced it was announced that Matt Gaetz will host a new talk show on one American news network called the Matt Gaetz Show. He'll be covering everything from Kinciaras to prom night jitters. That's that's like 4 groaners in a row, man.
Speaker 0: A lawyer working with Robert f Kennedy junior has petitioned the government to revoke its approval of the polio vaccine because it ain't Christmas without some tiny Tims.
Speaker 1: Elon Musk came over $20,000,000 to the mysterious RBG pack, which claimed that Trump and Ruth Bader Ginsburg agreed on the issue of abortion. Wow. I never even knew Trump got her pregnant.
Speaker 0: Supreme Court justice Ketanji Brown Jackson made her Broadway debut in a 1 night performance in and Juliet, while Clarence Thomas blew everyone off the stage in kinky boots.
Speaker 1: Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a gust of wind blow away a homeless man's lottery ticket. He suffered minor injuries after he fell during a Republican lunch, but thankfully, he landed on his hard shell back.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Office Christmas Party Extravaganza https://t.co/3Fa8I8CB1g
Video Transcript AI Summary
You've worked hard all year, and now it's time for the office Christmas party. At 5:45 PM, the drab office transforms slightly with music from Jason's laptop. Expect awkward moments, like the shy girl from marketing oversharing about her OnlyFans, and the guy who brought his kids. The food is soggy, and the secret Santa takes forever. Surprises include the cute accountant's unexpected boyfriend and drama between work wives and real wives. Laughter ensues as Damien and Ross dance on a desk, but the mood shifts when one falls. The cleaning staff looks annoyed, drinks are flowing, and HR complaints are brewing. But remember, it’s a Tuesday night, and everyone has work tomorrow.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: You've been working hard all year. You've earned some time off. But first The most insane event of the year, your office Christmas party. 60 employees, 7 interns, all going hard
Speaker 1: in the same space
Speaker 0: they were working in 15 minutes ago. It all kicks off at 5:45 PM when your drab, boring office is utterly transformed into your same drab, boring office, but with the music turned off. Whoo. With music by Jason's laptop as soon as he could figure out how to pair a speaker with it.
Speaker 1: It says it's on. It says Bluetooth is on.
Speaker 0: With appearances by the shy girl from marketing who has one drink and reveals too much about herself.
Speaker 2: I actually make more on OnlyFans than I do here. It's just just feed stuff.
Speaker 0: And the guy who brought his kids.
Speaker 2: It's daddy's work.
Speaker 0: I immediately regrets it.
Speaker 1: I don't want him to move. Alright, buddy.
Speaker 0: Thirsty? Head over to the kitchen for an ice warm beer. Hungry? Enjoy a generous spread of the soggiest food you've ever seen. Show wet.
Then buckle up because just when you thought things couldn't get wilder, the action is brought to a screeching halt by data from sales and our 45 minute long secret, Santa.
Speaker 2: Who got Milton the Dunkin' gift card? Oh, Jason did. Yeah. Thank you, Jason. Okay.
You get to come on up. You get to come on up. Guys, we're almost done, so don't leave.
Speaker 0: And then a twist no one saw coming. The cute girl from accounting has a fat, quiet boyfriend.
Speaker 1: How did that happen?
Speaker 2: This is Kyle. We met at church.
Speaker 0: Ding ding ding. Mystery solved. Everyone will be buzzed, except for Nick who didn't finish his work at And watch the drama unfold when work wives and real wives collide.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. Your husband is such a character. Funny. Funny. I'm gonna get a drink.
Excuse me, guys. She's so pretty. Sorry. I wanna see your phone.
Speaker 1: Do not see him.
Speaker 2: I need to see your phone. There's nothing to hide. I need to see your phone.
Speaker 1: It's just it's just
Speaker 2: it's just Let me see the phone. Go.
Speaker 0: Go. Go. And don't forget off the chokers Damien and Ross who have the whole staff in stitches when they dance on a desk. Then have the whole staff in silence when one of them falls.
Speaker 1: And I need to go. I'm fine. I'm fine. It's no big
Speaker 0: deal. And don't know the party's lit if the cleaning staff looks super pissed off. Drinks will be drunk. HR complaints will be created. That someone here is getting a DUI.
But that's not what you think. And just when you thought the party couldn't rage any longer, it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Because it's Tuesday night, and,
Speaker 0: oh, y'all got work tomorrow. Your office Christmas party.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Jane Wickline channels her inner Sabrina Carpenter at the Update desk https://t.co/nBb4VZ9AmO
Video Transcript AI Summary
Hello, Jane. I hear you have a new song for us.
Yes! I'm a huge Sabrina Carpenter fan and will sing a song as her.
So, you'll be doing a Sabrina Carpenter impression?
No, I can't look or sound like her, but for this song, I am her.
What’s it about?
It addresses how people speculate about pop stars' sexuality. My new song, "When Will Even One Person Do That About Me?" highlights how I, as Sabrina, feel overlooked. For instance, when Taylor Swift sings about a crush, people assume she's gay, but I make out with Jenna Ortega, and no one questions it. I want the same intrigue and mystique.
Does this relate to the Christmas special?
Yes, the album is called "Fruitcake." I feel left out and just want people to think I might have secrets, even if I don’t.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hello, Jane. Welcome. So I understand you have a new song for us.
Speaker 1: Yes. Well, I'm a huge Sabrina Carpenter fan. So I'm actually gonna sing a song as her.
Speaker 0: Oh, so you'll be doing like a Sabrina Carpenter impression?
Speaker 1: No. I can't look or sound like her. She's completely perfect.
Speaker 0: So you're you're singing a song like in her style?
Speaker 1: No. But for the purposes of this song, I am her.
Speaker 0: Okay. Okay. Great. That's very original. Yeah.
So what's what's it about?
Speaker 1: Well, a lot of people on the Internet like to start these juicy rumors about whether pop stars are gay. And this is a new song that I, Sabrina Carpenter, wrote called When Will Even One Person Do That About Me? Taylor Swift sings about a crush on a best friend. And you all cried lesbian because she didn't phrase it, my boy best friend. In a music video, I make out with Jenna Ortega.
No one doubts me at all when I say this is a metaphor for one of my ex boyfriends. And that is all it was. But no one even wondered. Ariana sings break up with your girlfriend. Everyone's pissed.
Harry wears rainbow pants. You write 50 articles about it. I make out with Jenna or Tayga passionately. And everyone's like, I heard this song is about Shawn Mendes. Help me.
Just tell me where I'm going wrong. Why am I the only straight pop star taken at their word? It's lonely. I do gay stuff and you don't get mad. I just want the same treatment.
I want to have mystique. Why don't you think I'm either bi or pretending that I might be? I'm not bi or pretending, but why does no one think I'm lying? I just want you to think I might have secrets. I just want you to think I might have secrets.
Speaker 0: Sorry. Does anything have to do with the Christmas special?
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm glad you brought up the Christmas special, Colin. The album, that is called Fruitcake. Doesn't that make you think of anything?
Speaker 0: Oh. Oh, yeah. The cake.
Speaker 1: Please, please, please tell me what I'm doing wrong. I also made out with a girl alien at the VMA. Nothing. I feel left out. Why can't you see me for who I really easily could be in secret?
Should I come for a second Chapel Rone song? How much bigger can I get? I leave a trail of bread crumbs, and then I leave a trail of loaves of bread. I just want you to think I might have secrets. I don't have secrets, but please think I might have secrets.
I just want you to think I might have secrets, and not sad me as a person.
Speaker 0: Sabrina, hold on here, everyone.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
a bald man stops by the desk https://t.co/xb9BccLr1I
Video Transcript AI Summary
Thanks for having me, Colin. By the way, my eyes are down here.
So, I’m glad about the ruling in the UK that makes bald jokes off-limits. I’m tired of them! I’ve heard all the jokes, like how my head looks like an old spice deodorant when I wear a red turtleneck.
Once, during jury duty with other bald men, the defendant joked we looked like a carton of eggs.
And yes, I lotion my head because it gets dry.
You probably make insensitive jokes, like asking if the carpet matches the drapes. No, it’s actually quite hairy down there!
All this talk is making me sweaty.
I dare you to laugh!
By the way, I’m also impotent. Don’t laugh. Just go away.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Thank you for
Speaker 1: having me, Colin. By the way, my eyes are down here.
Speaker 0: Thanks, man. Yeah. I wasn't I wasn't looking at your
Speaker 1: My my little bald head?
Speaker 2: Is that what you were gonna say?
Speaker 0: No. Of course not. No.
Speaker 1: Well, good. Because you actually can't make fun of a man for being bald anymore. Thanks to 3 brave judges in the UK. Woah.
Speaker 0: Okay. So they are all bald.
Speaker 1: Are they? I didn't notice. I don't see hair or color. To me, everyone is bald and black. But, hey, maybe that's just me.
Speaker 0: Yeah. It's definitely just you. So I imagine you're pretty happy about this ruling?
Speaker 1: Of course. Sick and tired of all the bald jokes, Colin. And, yeah, I've heard them all.
Speaker 2: When I
Speaker 1: take a shower, I get brainwashed. Give me a break. Break. The lights scream when they see my head. Give me a break again.
Oh, and I just saw this one recently. Apparently, when I wear a red turtleneck, I look like an old spice deodorant because of how my little bald head pops out.
Speaker 2: There's something funny about this unicorn. Why would you be wearing it up to your eyebrows?
Speaker 1: Sometimes my eyes get cold.
Speaker 2: You know, I once did
Speaker 1: jury duty with 11 other bald men, and the defendant stood up and said, we look like a carton of eggs. Everyone laughed, and that guy killed somebody. Or at least that's what we decided.
Speaker 0: She keeps us, man.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Don't mess with the bald man, Colin, because we got nothing to lose, except maybe our eyebrows. Please laugh.
Speaker 0: No one's laughing. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Look, Colin, there's nothing even funny about being bald.
Speaker 2: Sir. What? Sir, what
Speaker 1: are you doing? Lotioning my head because sometimes it gets dry and it gets chapped. What is funny about that to you, Colin?
Speaker 0: I don't know. Kind of a couple things.
Speaker 1: No. You're probably one of those people who makes insensitive jokes, asks really insensitive questions like, do the do the does the carpet match the drapes?
Speaker 2: Well, do you think?
Speaker 1: No. It's actually crazy hairy down there. It's disgust the carpet is gross. Is that what you wanted to know?
Speaker 0: No. I'm actually sorry I asked.
Speaker 1: You're a jerk.
Speaker 0: I'm sorry?
Speaker 2: You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk.
Speaker 1: Sorry. All the screaming got me sweaty. I got a towel off
Speaker 2: a little. Oh my god. You think this is funny comedy? I got caramel and shanty kick my head gets wet. It's so loud.
Speaker 1: Dare you to laugh. Love to see your ass in court. My hands full hands on some of your wife's marble money. Alright.
Speaker 2: Above, man, everyone. I'm also impotent. Don't laugh. Alright. Just just just go away.
Alright.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Grandpa’s Magic Car https://t.co/05qOsDumSw
Video Transcript AI Summary
Wow, your grandpa was a special guy. Thanks for helping me clean out his barn. It means a lot. This is grandpa's old car, Kirby, from the fifties. He loved it and even called it magic.
I think it wants us to get in. Why won't it open? Did it just smack me? I didn't know my grandfather well, but he was the greatest guy I ever met.
How about we listen to some music? I'm taking this thing to the scrapyard tomorrow. Kirby knows he messed up.
Where have you guys been? Stacy's party is tonight. I could use a drink, but the Uber won't be here for 25 minutes. No way I'm getting in that car. Lyft it is!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Woah. Look. Seems like your grandpa was a special guy. He really was. Thanks for helping me clean out his barn, guys.
It means a lot. Of course, Benny. It's what neighbors are for. We know how much it means to you. He was the greatest guy I've ever met.
I'll miss him every day.
Speaker 1: Well, we're here for you, bud. What's the story here?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 0: That's grandpa's old car. He got it when he was a teenager in the fifties. It broke down, but, man, he loved this thing. He talked about it like it was alive. He even had a name for it.
He called it Kirby.
Speaker 1: Did the car just start on its own? I think it just smiled.
Speaker 0: Grandpa said it was magic, but I thought he was
Speaker 2: crazy.
Speaker 1: Woah.
Speaker 0: I think he wants us all to get in.
Speaker 1: Woah. Woah. Same. What happened? That's odd.
Maybe we just gotta It looks like Kirby don't wanna send it.
Speaker 0: I'm trying to unlock it.
Speaker 3: Jimmy, what year did you say this car was from again?
Speaker 0: 1958.
Speaker 1: Why won't the car go open? Let me try.
Speaker 0: Did Did he just smack my butt? I like
Speaker 1: big butt and cannot lie.
Speaker 0: This is supposed to be his penis. Not.
Speaker 1: Could he stop it?
Speaker 0: I just wanna say that I didn't know my grandfather that well.
Speaker 1: I remember you saying he was the greatest guy you ever met. Hey.
Speaker 0: Why don't we all listen to some tunes?
Speaker 2: Tunes? Always falling white. You got
Speaker 1: to find the ball with that
Speaker 2: bee. Why? Ballers. Why?
Speaker 1: That's not good. Well, I'm out. Michelle, Jamari.
Speaker 0: I'm gonna ask me again.
Speaker 1: We coming.
Speaker 0: You know what? First thing tomorrow, I'm taking this thing to the scrapyard. How about that? Kirby's sorry? He knows he messed up.
Kirby, so you understand?
Speaker 3: Yo, guys. Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you. Stacy's parties tonight? Are you guys coming or what?
Speaker 0: I mean, I could really use a party. And I could use a drink. Only problem is the Uber won't be here for, like, 25 minutes.
Speaker 1: I'm thinking? Ain't no way I was getting in that car. Lyft, when Uber's taking too long, and your grandpappy's car is racing.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Martin Short’s monologue! https://t.co/O9iaUM0Ptn
Video Transcript AI Summary
Thank you, everyone! It's the big SNOW Christmas show, and I can't believe the holidays are here. I'm grateful to Lorne Michaels for hosting tonight. This is my fifth time hosting, and I’m excited to join the five-timers club.
The holidays can be stressful, but I have a solution! Gather around, everyone. Christmas can feel overwhelming, but we can lighten the mood.
Let’s sing about needing a new prescription to cope with holiday stress. It’s all about finding joy and managing anxiety.
So, remember, take care of yourselves, and don’t forget to ask for help if you need it.
We have a great show tonight, so stick around!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Thank you. Thank you, everyone. How exciting this must be for all of you.
Speaker 1: And tonight is the big SNOW Christmas show, and I just I can't believe the holidays are already here. But we must move this monologue along because I have 10 sketches to get to where I play an elf.
Speaker 0: Also, I left my Uber driver waiting, and
Speaker 1: and you know how testy Matt Gaetz can get. So but listen to me. Listen to me. Not only do I speak from my heart, but I speak from the cue cards when I say that I am so thankful to my dear friend Lorne Michaels for asking me to host tonight.
Speaker 0: Thank you, Lorne. You know, Lorne
Speaker 1: and I are very close friends. We're kind of like Trump and Elon Musk without the sexual tension.
Speaker 0: You know?
Speaker 1: In fact, I'm reminded of Lorne's words after every show I've ever hosted. You'll get them next time. But tonight, I joined the 5 timers club.
Speaker 0: And, yeah, to think of it, you
Speaker 1: know, 5 must be my lucky number. I mean, this is my 5th time hosting. I'm about to start season 5 of Only Murders in the Building. I own 5 cyber trucks, not to drive. It's just they're so beautiful.
My dear friend Steve Martin is also part of the club. He would have been here tonight, but he had a conflict with me not wanting him to be here. And besides, it's rehearsal week for the masked singers, so there you know. Of course, Steve and I have hosted together before, but, you know, hosting SNL is a lot like sex. It's free with a partner, but sometimes it's fun to just knock one out by yourself.
And this week has been so much fun, and the cast is just so love oh, hi, Sarah. Hi. Is there something wrong?
Speaker 2: Oh, Marty. I don't know what to do. I wanna have the holiday spirit, but all I feel is dread.
Speaker 1: Don't worry. That haircut will grow up.
Speaker 0: I like them talking about my hair. Well, you should have been. I guess I'm just upset because the holidays
Speaker 2: are supposed to be fun, but everyone here is so stressed out.
Speaker 1: Right, guys?
Speaker 0: Yeah. And you always seem so happy. We were hoping you could, I don't know, cheer us
Speaker 2: up. Please, Marty.
Speaker 1: Oh, we ever so would love it, mister Short. Well, gather around, youngsters and Keenan. You know, the holidays are always a festival. And, sure, the world is going crazy, but you know what? I have a solution.
Speaker 2: Really?
Speaker 1: For the purpose of this bit. Sure. And I'll tell you how. Or I could sing it, that is if you like me to.
Speaker 0: This is not children. Oh, no. It's Christmas.
Speaker 1: Each tectonic tree you see provokes anxiety. Good. Christ.
Speaker 0: It's Christmas with your tight stress and dread your head's about to explode. So you need a new prescription
Speaker 1: just to get through Christmas. Take a little edge off, make sense
Speaker 0: of your existence. Yes. You need a new prescription to fly higher than Blissen.
Speaker 1: Don't snort snow and don't smoke holly. Here's my plan
Speaker 0: to make you jolly wild. Moths are hopping. You're off for doctor shopping for psychiatrists.
Speaker 1: Oh, doctor, I'm in despair.
Speaker 0: What seems to be the problem? I have this recurring dream where I'm eating army hammer. Mama.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 0: Yeah. The the benzos. Benzos. Yes. Oh, for a ketamine spritz.
Oh, boy.
Speaker 1: Because you need a new prescription. Control the helper, Skeletor.
Speaker 0: Santa has his elves, and I have Marty's little helper.
Speaker 3: I want a bike, an Xbox, and the newest iPhone.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Greedy much. Dead loss can't cook. Santa. Now tell me.
What do you want for Christmas?
Speaker 1: Well, I want world peace, but I need preparation h because you need a new prescription.
Speaker 0: And take it from this crooner and get those meds before they're outlawed by r f p a junior. Yes. You need a new prescription, but nothing from the Sacklers.
Speaker 1: Need a new prescription now. Oh, Lorne. You smell wonder I didn't know Jack Daniels made cologne.
Speaker 0: God, I'm attracted to you. He never kicked me like that anymore. Yes. We need pragmatization, pharmaceutical correction, and drug induced amnesia regarding the election
Speaker 1: and preferably
Speaker 0: trip. We have a great show for you tonight. Hoagier and Teer.
Speaker 1: So stick around. We'll be right
Speaker 0: back.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Martin Short joins the Five-Timers Club! https://t.co/ZoNq9tSCwd
Video Transcript AI Summary
Martin Short arrives at a celebration, greeted by friends. They joke about his nickname, "Marty," and his status as a writer and performer. A signature cocktail, the Martie Teeny, is introduced, and they discuss the holiday party atmosphere.
They playfully test Martin's knowledge of current cast members, and he humorously admits he doesn't know any. The group shares light-hearted confessions about their pasts, including a yoga class incident.
As the celebration continues, they toast to Martin's achievement of joining the 5 Timers Club, and he receives a special jacket. The night is filled with laughter, camaraderie, and a sense of accomplishment as Martin expresses his gratitude to his friends.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Martin Short. What a bit of surprise that I've known about all week. Well, get over here, Marty. Hey. Have they, taught you the secret handshake?
Of course, they have. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. You're great. You're great. Hey.
What what do they call you by the way? Marty or Martin or Well, my friends all call me Marty, so you can call me mister Martin Short. Oh. Marty, congratulations. You know, I am so glad that you are here.
You are one of the rarest things in Hollywood, a writer who's attractive enough to be on camera.
Speaker 1: And you are one of the least rare things in Hollywood, a loud man.
Speaker 0: Thank you, Missy. You're right. You're so right. Your drink's coming.
Speaker 2: Oh, hey. Thank you, kid. Martin, may I offer you our signature cocktail, the Martie Teeny?
Speaker 0: It's just like you, super sweet, and after a few sips, you're like, I get it.
Speaker 2: You know, it's often paired with our Steve Martini, but tonight, we're serving it solo.
Speaker 0: And I bet it's even better on its own.
Speaker 1: Now first things first, We need to make sure you're really ready to be a 5 timer. Quick. Name 3 current cast members.
Speaker 0: No idea.
Speaker 1: Correct. And that was the whole test. Wow.
Speaker 2: And, hey, you picked a great time of year to join. This is our annual Christmas party.
Speaker 0: Yes. And I love the decorations. My goodness.
Speaker 1: Yes. These are actually, scripts, that we all sabotage because a cast member had a better part than we did.
Speaker 0: I can do that. Of course, you can. You're in the 5 timers club now.
Speaker 3: The rules are different.
Speaker 0: Oh, look look at your robe. Well,
Speaker 3: that's right. I've hosted 17 times. I happen to be a very useful type at the show. They call me when they need someone to play a Republican because of my face, my voice, and my strong daddy vibes. Yes.
Speaker 1: Really? A daddy vibe?
Speaker 0: Go to your room, Tina. Oh, I wonder who that is. Have you found a new craft number up here?
Speaker 4: Where should I put the secret stand in?
Speaker 2: Oh, I'll take it. I have to put my gift under the tree too.
Speaker 4: It's not another book about World War 2, is it, Tom?
Speaker 2: No. It's about outer space.
Speaker 0: Hey, guys. Hey.
Speaker 1: Why are you in a bathroom? Yeah. In a bathroom. I'm I'm not living here. What?
Speaker 4: No one no one said that.
Speaker 1: Good. Because because I'm not living here. Hello, Martin.
Speaker 0: Hello, Kristen.
Speaker 1: I hope you're not expecting a repeat of what happened last year. Well, when we saw each other, I'm not that girl anymore.
Speaker 0: And I'm not that flexible anymore.
Speaker 1: Did did you 2 have a thing? We took a hot yoga class together where we made love and got kicked out, and then we both voted for Trump.
Speaker 0: Don't tell them that.
Speaker 1: Look, it's okay. In this club, you can be completely honest. Anyone else wanna try?
Speaker 0: I'll go. Ant Man's powers aren't good.
Speaker 1: I'll go. It's me that's flying those drones. All of them.
Speaker 2: I'll go. I never had COVID.
Speaker 4: Although, I have COVID right now.
Speaker 0: Although, I
Speaker 3: have way too many children.
Speaker 0: Maybe we feel better already.
Speaker 1: But but wait. Is this a 5 timers thing or an Only Murders reunion?
Speaker 0: Well, it is true. You know, Tita and Paul were both guest stars. And isn't it embarrassing that shows throw in big name cameos just for cheap ratings boost? It's the
Speaker 1: worst. It's the worst part.
Speaker 0: Congratulations,
Speaker 1: Marty. Honestly, this is such an accomplishment. Congratulations, Marty. Honestly, this is such an accomplishment. Hello, Kristen.
Emma? I hope you're not expecting a repeat of what happened when I saw you last night. I'm not that girl anymore. And I'm not that drunk. But you should know, I'm getting close.
Speaker 0: Good. Wow. Oh.
Speaker 1: Well, I just I just have to say that it is so nice to see each other outside of a sketch. Sketch. I mean, we were can act like the dignified salt of the earth celebrity folks that we are.
Speaker 0: I know. Now normally you'd be chugging ranch dressing and crashing through a table by now. Oh, bloody for shame.
Speaker 1: But exactly. God. This is a classy place, and, you know, we don't do any of that sophomore comedy stuff here, do we? Uh-huh. No.
Now if you'd excuse me, I'd like to treat myself to a cockatiel.
Speaker 0: I just stopped by to say congratulations. John, look at you. Look at you. I can't believe that we did that sitcom 10 years ago. Oh, you could never do that show now.
Why? Because everyone's so woke? No. Because it wasn't good and no one liked it. But you came back strong, and then you crashed and burned, and then you came back strong, and we're all so curious what will happen next.
Let's raise a toast, shall we? Oh, is there anything nonalcoholic?
Speaker 1: Do you mean drinks or people? Because either way, no.
Speaker 2: Well, Marty, you're finally in the 5 timers club, which means we've got a little something for you. Oh. Jacket boy. Hey, everybody. Hey.
Speaker 0: Hey. Hey. Hi. I can only I can only Yeah. I can only I can only save for a little bit, and then I have to go and host
Speaker 5: another game show and laugh at my own jokes.
Speaker 0: Well, well, well, at least someone's laughing. You get it. Well, Marty,
Speaker 5: I just want to say I'm so happy to be here for this moment, so I'd like to present to you the official 5 timers club jacket in exactly your size, a women's
Speaker 0: small. Thank you all for being here. This is such a such a night. And from the bottom of my heart, I just wanna say I love most of you so much.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
An Act of Kindness https://t.co/O2cMGs6zqn
Video Transcript AI Summary
I got the camo for your sister and a cookbook for my mom, but they didn't have Sadie's size. I'll check another store.
Excuse me, miss? You dropped this. Thank you, and Merry Christmas!
What should we get him? A fresh start? Maybe a watch to complete the look.
Why are you doing this for me? Everyone deserves a gift at Christmas.
It's just to help you get back on your feet.
Where are you? I'm at dinner.
Your girl is with me now, talking about getting a hotel.
That's not what I said!
Guess what time it is?
Who am I speaking to?
I'm Ricardo, the reigning champ of the knockout day.
Give me the phone! I made a Christmas mistake and I'm coming home now.
Did you see what happened to the gentleman I was with?
Yes, he went to get your car from the valet.
Happy holidays!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Yes. I got the camo for your sister and the cookbook for my mom, but they didn't have Sadie's size. That's the 1st shade store I went to.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna stop by the other one when I get it. Oh,
Speaker 0: okay. Miss?
Speaker 2: Miss? Excuse me, miss?
Speaker 0: I don't have any change.
Speaker 2: No. No. No. You dropped this.
Speaker 0: Oh, thank you.
Speaker 2: Merry Christmas.
Speaker 0: Merry Merry Christmas. I'll call you back. Hey. Come with me.
Speaker 2: Okay. So
Speaker 0: what are we looking to give him here? How about
Speaker 1: a a fresh start?
Speaker 0: Oh, an excellent fit. Perhaps a watch to complete the look? Oh. I like the gold.
Speaker 2: Miss, may I ask why you're doing all this for me?
Speaker 0: Because everyone deserves a gift at Christmas. Speaking of
Speaker 2: Oh, this is too much. Yeah.
Speaker 0: It it's just something to get you back on your feet. Get a hotel room for a few weeks and plan your next act. Sorry. Excuse me. Hey, honey.
Where the are you? Well Trust me. Rachel and her entire family is here. Well, I, She need me back by 1. It's 9:30.
Where are you? I'm at dinner. Dinner? That's gone insane. You know what?
I want you to talk to someone, and he will explain everything.
Speaker 2: Hello?
Speaker 0: Hi.
Speaker 2: Your girl is with me now, you heard? Yeah. That's right, slick. Your girl is whining and dining me, man. Listen to this chicka head over here talking about I need to get a hotel with her or something like that, man.
Speaker 0: Buster No. That's not what I said.
Speaker 2: Hey. Guess what time it is? It's steal your bitch o'clock.
Speaker 0: I thought we got the gold one.
Speaker 2: Yeah. You did. But it was a buy 1, steal 1 for free.
Speaker 0: Who am I speaking to?
Speaker 2: Man, you know me. I'm Ricardo the d train deviant, DeMunt, AKA the reigning champ of the knockout day.
Speaker 0: Oh my god. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Honey, I made a Christmas mistake, and I am coming home now. I just need to get my car from the valet.
But I promise you, I was just trying to do something good. Oh, I believe you, baby. Just just come home to us. Okay? I will.
Love you. Ricardo, excuse me. Did you see what happened to the gentleman I was here with? Oh, yes. I think he went to go get your car from the valet.
Speaker 2: And what's that on it?
Speaker 0: God. If only I had listened to
Speaker 2: Fox moves. Stay smart. Stay rich. Happy hug before you wish. Merry Christmas.
Thursday.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
TONIGHT! Watch the #SNLChristmas Special at 9/8c on @nbc. Streaming tomorrow on @peacock https://t.co/jyI62xdxZM
Video Transcript AI Summary
It's the last show before Christmas! How will you spend the holidays? I'm excited because I'm with my new guy. Me too! What's he like? He's special—my boyfriend is Santa! He knows when I'm sleeping and treats me right. When I'm naughty, he thinks it's nice. I love when we jump in a sleigh and he takes me to the North Pole. He enjoys my milk and cookies, and while others put up stockings, he's taking mine down. Santa keeps me warm in the winter snow, and I don’t mind when he sees me in my pajamas. He promised he wouldn't leave me. They always promise, and it usually works out, right?
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Well, it's the last show before Christmas, girls. How are you guys gonna spend the holidays? My holiday's gonna be super special this year. Do tell. I'm spending it with my new guy.
So am I. Me too. What's he like? Well, I'll tell you. I've got a new man this holiday.
Someone who won't let me down. A guy whose eyes always sparkle, a man who can show you the town. My boyfriend knows when I'm sleeping, he always treats me right. He knows if I've been bad or good, but when I'm naughty, he thinks it's nice. Santa's my boy friend.
Oh, yes. Santa's the one that I like it when we jump in a sleigh and he takes you to the North Pole. Ain't he the greatest? He told me he loves the taste of my milk and cookies. He told me the same thing.
When everybody else is putting up their stockings, he's taking mine down. You get the picture. Santa's my hoodie friend. He keeps me warm in the cold winter snow. He's jolly and kind.
And I don't even mind when he sees me in chat, ho ho ho. Santa's He's gonna leave her. Right? Of course, he's gonna leave her. He promised.
They always promise, and it usually works out. Right?
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
the universal language of parking lot frustration https://t.co/HDg5sphiew
Video Transcript AI Summary
I saw this spot first!
You wish.
I swear on my mother!
I don't care.
My mother is dead. Shame on you.
Ugh, I hate this guy.
I don't want to see that.
These guys like it, though.
Shut up! I need this spot; I'm handicapped.
That's bull.
My blood pressure is high!
You're lying.
I'm super Christian!
Screw you!
Don't do two at once.
Sorry, it's a habit.
Come on, it's almost Christmas!
I'm not Scrooge; I have a good heart.
Ho ho ho!
I didn't know what else to do.
If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to my wife.
I don't see a wife.
Get away, or I will kill you!
The spot is all yours, sir.
Happy holidays!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: I saw this spot before
Speaker 1: you. You wish. Nope. No. Witch.
Speaker 0: I swear on my mother. My mother.
Speaker 1: I don't care.
Speaker 0: My mother is dead. Shame on you.
Speaker 2: Ugh. I hate this guy. Dude, you blow. No. I don't.
No.
Speaker 1: I don't wanna see that, and I really don't like that one hand was doing this. Yeah.
Speaker 2: These guys like it, though. Madison. They like it.
Speaker 0: She's right. She's right.
Speaker 1: Shut up. Shut up. Just get lost. I
Speaker 0: need this spot. I'm handicapped.
Speaker 1: Handy capped. That is bull bull crap.
Speaker 0: No. My blood pressure is high. Very high.
Speaker 1: You are such a liar.
Speaker 0: I never lie. I'm super Christian. Super Christian.
Speaker 1: Liar. Yeah. Screw you. Screw you.
Speaker 2: You're such a jerk. No. No. No. No.
What?
Speaker 1: Don't do 2 at once. Thanks.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. It's just a habit. Don't.
Speaker 0: Say that. Come on, man. It's almost Christmas. Let me have the spot, you Scrooge.
Speaker 1: I'm not Scrooge. I have a a good heart. K? Good heart. I'm more like Santa Claus.
Speaker 2: Ho ho ho. John, what the hell?
Speaker 1: I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry. If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to my wife. Well, I don't see a wife. Do you?
Get
Speaker 2: away right now, or I will kill you now, and I'll make your dumb daughter watch. My race will eat your face. Okay? She hates you, by the way.
Speaker 0: Stop it.
Speaker 1: The spot is all yours, sir.
Speaker 0: I know. Happy holidays.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
there’s no place like the newark airport at christmas https://t.co/NuoN2ILGp5
Video Transcript AI Summary
A woman accidentally sits on a motorized suitcase, calling for help. Paul Rudd humorously claims his fame and requests water. An airport scene unfolds with a woman planning to make the flight about her, mentioning she might sing or yell at a baby. The express spa offers questionable massages with a holiday discount. A couple debates joining the Mile High Club, with humorous suggestions. A gate agent struggles with a passenger's name, "China so dry," while another passenger questions the name "Chartreuse." Captain Sully makes a grand entrance, attempting to engage the audience before introducing passengers returning from Turkey, humorously noted for their cosmetic work.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Oh, oh, look who's next. It's a parade first. Woman who accidentally sat down on a motorized suitcase. Help. Help.
Speaker 1: Help. This is in my luggage. Create a barricade.
Speaker 0: You know, let's check back in with Kent. Kenton,
Speaker 2: you're not getting in. I'm Paul Rudd. Horrut, that name sounds poor. I was voted sexiest man alive. Could someone hand me water?
Speaker 0: Can someone hand me water?
Speaker 2: Says he's been alive. Well, what? Is Tim is Tim Allen dead?
Speaker 3: Next up, it's an airport staple. It's white woman who's somehow gonna make the flight about her.
Speaker 4: I might sing. I might yell at a baby. I'm definitely gonna watch a movie on my iPad.
Speaker 5: No hassle.
Speaker 0: Quiana queen. Next up, we have the least necessary employees in the terminal. It's the express spa sponsored by comp app masseurs.
Speaker 2: What's up? We got a holiday discount going. It's gonna be 5% off for a dry ass public massage.
Speaker 5: And free unhappy endings. Please
Speaker 3: let us touch you.
Speaker 0: They should get a job with TSA. Yeah. What's up next?
Speaker 3: It's a classic. It's a woman who wants to join the Mile High Club and her boyfriend who does not.
Speaker 5: Okay. So I'll sit in the sink.
Speaker 6: You kneel on the toilet, put your hands
Speaker 5: on the wall, I'll put my feet on the ceiling.
Speaker 2: Why can't we just make love in our bed?
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Oh,
Speaker 0: did did you hear that? It's a gate agent who's having trouble with the name.
Speaker 1: Flight 663 boarding now from Miami. I need to
Speaker 7: speak with my cool little penis.
Speaker 8: You see my cool little penis as soon as possible face to face.
Speaker 1: Next on my standby list, I have China so dry. I have China so dry. I'm hoping I'm pronouncing that right. I have China so dry. Okay.
Please come to the counter, China so dry.
Speaker 3: Speaking of names, chartreuse, did your parents name you that because they love the color?
Speaker 0: No. Because they love charcuterie and they're illiterate. Oh, look. Coming this way, it's the parade grand marshal captain Sully.
Speaker 9: Hello, everyone. I'm here to introduce the grand finale. So let's see if I can land this plane. I'm sorry. I thought there would be a round of applause out there.
Alright. Now my rhythm's all off. Anyways, please welcome a group of passengers who just arrived from Turkey.
Speaker 0: That's right, Sully. They just got cheap cosmetic work done in Turkey.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che! https://t.co/En4QlDn1mc
Video Transcript AI Summary
Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update. It’s our final show of 2024, a year that saw Diddy jailed, Trump reelected, and Musk as co-president. Luigi Mangione has dropped his extradition fight and is now in the same federal prison as Diddy. Meanwhile, the House Ethics Committee is releasing a report on Matt Gates, who quipped about his young girlfriend. George Santos has launched a podcast called Pants on Fire, with a unique sign-up method. Trump has transferred his media shares to a trust controlled by Donald Trump Jr. and gave Eric something bubble-wrapped. The first severe human case of bird flu in the U.S. has been confirmed. Trump has appointed Herschel Walker as ambassador to the Bahamas, who humorously corrected the title to "I is ambassador." Disney plans to release a Bluey movie in 2027, where Bluey meets Cruella De Vil.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Good evening. Good evening, everyone.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin J.
Speaker 0: Well, it is our last show of a wild 2024 that saw Diddy go to jail, Donald Trump get reelected president, and Elon Musk appoint himself co president. And I don't know what next year will hold, but one thing's for certain, we will see all 3 of those guys at SNL's 50th anniversary. Luigi Mangione dropped Yeah. Yeah. Definitely woo.
You're wooing for justice. Right? Luigi Mangione dropped his extradition fight and was flown from Pennsylvania to New York to face multiple charges. In related news, Bumble exploded.
Speaker 1: Luigi Mangione has been placed in the same federal prison as Sean Combs. Said Combs, Christmas came early. It was reported that the House Ethics Committee has voted to release this report on sexual misconduct charges against Matt Gates. Gates says he's just glad his girlfriend is too young to read the news.
Speaker 0: Woah. George George Santos has announced a new podcast called Pants on Fire, and you can download the first episode for free simply by entering your full Social Security number.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump has transferred all of his shares of Trump Media into a trust controlled by Donald Trump Junior while Eric was given some bubble
Speaker 0: wrapped up. Bubble wrapped up.
Speaker 1: Bubble wrapped up. Bubble wrapped up.
Speaker 0: Shut up, Colin. No. Tell us more. What is bubble rape? Great.
Let's get that let's get that online. The first the first severe human case of bird flu in the US has just been confirmed. But don't worry, I'm sure this deadly animal disease will get handled perfectly by the roadkill king.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump Donald Trump has selected Herschel Walker as his ambassador to the Bahamas. When when told he would be an ambassador, Walker said, correction, I is ambassador.
Speaker 0: Disney announced that in 2027, it will release a full length Bluey movie. Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting. It's where Bluey and her family unfortunately meet Cruella De Vil.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
a drone stops by the desk to clear the air https://t.co/aGVwUst0PQ
Video Transcript AI Summary
Hey, Michael. So, what are you?
I know what I am and don’t need to explain. Who’s controlling you? Everyone’s obsessed with me—UFOs, military, or SNL promo. I'm just hovering over homes, filming. Why is that threatening?
Why am I in New Jersey? Because it has beautiful nature and good schools. People live there, so respect that.
Everyone’s paranoid with wild theories. Ask your government—they say these sightings are just manned aircraft.
What’s with the obsession over whether I’m manned? I can get a man anytime.
You want to know who I prefer? Helicopters. They’re like me but bigger and louder. I feel like a villain, reflecting society’s anxieties. But fine, I’ll embrace it.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hey.
Speaker 1: Hey, Michael. Wow. Indoors. This is different.
Speaker 0: How are you doing? So how are you, or should I say what are you?
Speaker 1: Okay. No. We're not gonna do that. See, I know what I am, and I don't have to explain myself to anyone at any time for any reason. Okay?
Speaker 0: Okay. But who's controlling you?
Speaker 1: Who's controlling you, Michael? Look, all y'all hate me because I'm up. Everyone's like, is it UFOs? Is it military? Is it promo for SNL 50?
Meanwhile, I'm just minding my business, hovering over people's homes, maybe filming them. Also, what is so threatening about random machines in the night sky? God, it's it's like y'all have never been to Afghanistan before.
Speaker 0: Okay. But why are you in New Jersey?
Speaker 1: Why is anyone in New Jersey? Oh, right. Because there's beautiful nature and good schools.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Bet you thought I was gonna make some cheap sopranos joke. No. People live there. Have some respect. Well,
Speaker 0: you don't
Speaker 1: wanna be scaring them. Oh, just by existing? God. Everyone's so paranoid. All these dumb theories, Bethenny Frankel's going super saiyan on TikTok, Talking about orbs and plasmoids like she knows a damn thing besides how to hot muffins at a grocery store.
Speaker 0: What are you talking about? Hey.
Speaker 1: How about you ask your government? What are they saying?
Speaker 0: Well, they're saying these sightings are just manned aircrafts.
Speaker 1: Okay. What's this obsession with whether I'm manned or not? For the record, I can get a man whenever I want. K? Trust me.
There's no problem there. K? Manned, unmanned, I make it work. Minute, Michael. You wanna stick your face in this and rotor boat me?
Speaker 0: No. I really don't, man. Yes. You do. No.
I don't. Okay.
Speaker 1: Look, you're all obsessed. Go ahead. Ask me who I prefer to have sex with. It's helicopters. Okay?
I like helicopters because they're like me, but larger and louder. And they book a lot of TV work. What? I'm dating the helicopter from Succession, if you must know. God.
Everyone hates me. You all point at me, shoot your lasers at me, hide your kids for me. I feel like Elphaba for real for real. You know what? Here's what I think is going on.
I'm the receptacle for everyone's anxiety and agita about everything. For what be a drone but a mirror to society and potentially a killing machine? But fine. I'll be the villain because I'm the one you want.
Speaker 0: It's me. And if you need, so will you care if I'm through the dirty sky. As Bethany told you lately, drones of orbs and
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
2024 Christmas Joke Swap with Colin and Che! https://t.co/0uExTX8MHL
Video Transcript AI Summary
It's Christmas, and we have a tradition of sharing jokes live on air that we haven't seen before. I’m concerned about reading potentially offensive jokes, so I’ll try to navigate that carefully.
The first joke touches on Kamala Harris's support for reparations, humorously suggesting that white people deserve their money back for runaway slaves. Another joke discusses how women are more likely to orgasm when in tune with their bodies.
There’s a playful jab at Scarlett Johansson for her 40th birthday and a joke about having a child together.
The segment continues with various humorous remarks, including a joke about Costco removing roast beef sandwiches.
In closing, we wish everyone a good night.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: It's Christmas, and we have a tradition here on Update. You're saying
Speaker 1: uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Speaker 0: You're you're applauding now. We give each other jokes to read.
Speaker 2: Yeah. We're making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.
Speaker 0: But time out. Before we do this, I know Michael is gonna make me tell some racist jokes like like he always does. So this time, if you don't mind, I'd like to read all the jokes in black voice so I don't so I don't get in trouble.
Speaker 2: I didn't call her. I don't mind. Do what you gotta do, man. I don't even know what black voice is. Weird you would bring that up.
Please, why don't you do the first joke?
Speaker 0: So sorry in advance.
Speaker 2: Oh, reverberations. I wonder what this is about.
Speaker 0: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Y'all know my girl.
Yeah. Y'all know my girl, Kamala Harris, held held a town hall talking about she still supports the idea of slavery reparations. Well, damn, girl. Me too. Because white people deserve our money back for all those slaves that ran away.
Shiz. I ain't afraid of you mofos.
Speaker 2: Wow. I had no idea that's what you thought black voice was. A new study finds that women are more like likely to have an orgasm if they are in touch with their body signals such as heart rate and breathing as opposed to the women I have sex with who just hold their
Speaker 1: breath until they open. Oh my god.
Speaker 0: Why? I wanna dedicate this next joke to my boobs, Carla Johansson. Oh my gosh. She's so genuinely worried. Hey, boo.
Y'all know Scarlett just celebrated her 40th birthday, which which means I'm about to get up out of there.
Speaker 1: What? She is. What the heck? She is. She is.
Speaker 2: I think there's a little more.
Speaker 0: Oh, there's more. No. No. I'm just playing. We just had a kid together and y'all ain't seen no pictures of him yet because he black as hell.
Shit. Shit is I ain't afraid of you, mofos.
Speaker 1: Oh, shit.
Speaker 2: I ain't afraid of you, mofos. Continues to set records at the box office because like me and good luck, my good friend Jeffrey Epstein used to say, there's nothing like an island adventure with a teenage girl. I'm just kidding. I would never ever sleep with a girl as dark as Moana. And, hey, and, hey, before we go, I would be remiss if I didn't address the allegations of both Jay Z at those.
Speaker 1: No, man. No. No. No. No.
Speaker 2: Some people are afraid to talk about it, but not Mikey, the true mom Chase. So here so here it is. Jay z is innocent. He wasn't even at those parties and I know because I won. And Denny, if you're listening with Bad Boys to Life, when it comes to the charges against you, I'll say the same thing I always said at your parties.
I will help you off.
Speaker 0: Strange thing to say at a party, but wow. No. For real though. Costco Costco has removed the roast beef sandwich from its menu, but I ain't tripping. I've been eating roast beef every night since my wife had the kids.
No. No. I'm just playing, baby. You know I don't go downtown.
Speaker 1: Jeez.
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness. I can't believe you, Colin. Colin. For week of nothing, I am Michael Che. Oh my goodness.
Good night.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
MSNBC panelists do their best to focus on the news that matters https://t.co/u7xjyz7EnD
Video Transcript AI Summary
We need to focus on actions, not words. Breaking news: Trump made bizarre comments about trading Connecticut and referenced Arnold Palmer to wildfire victims, distracting from important issues like disaster relief. His tweets continue to be absurd, including a picture of himself with water balloons. The chaotic pace of news under Trump is overwhelming. He even mentioned sending Don Junior to explore buying the Emerald City, mistaking it for Greenland. In other news, Trump agreed to meet Xi Jinping in the UFC octagon. He made a statement about TikTok, expressing newfound love for it, and announced cabinet picks, including George Santos as secretary of fact-checking. Santos humorously referenced his past and the recent passing of Jimmy Carter.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: We need to focus on what he does, not what he says.
Speaker 1: I I'm sorry. I I have to interrupt you. We have some breaking news. Trump has apparently just told reporters that he would like to, quote, trade Connecticut for I mean, that's just crazy.
Speaker 0: Rachel Rachel, see, this is what I mean. We can't have a repeat of 2016.
Speaker 2: Exactly. In his first term, the media was like, look at him walking around grabbing his you know what, flipping the you know who, tick a tick a, slim shady. But this time, we're gonna focus on what matters, like tech billionaires buying our democracy.
Speaker 1: Sorry, Ari. We're getting breaking news that Trump just told a group of wildfire victims that, quote, Arnold Palmer had some of the loudest in American history.
Speaker 3: You see, this is what he does. To keep us from talking about disaster relief or the impacts of climate change
Speaker 1: And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Rachel.
Speaker 3: I am Chris. But
Speaker 1: but apparently, Trump just tweeted about the fires. A picture of himself as the guy from Up with the caption, I would end fire by filling the Up house with water balloons. Wow.
Speaker 0: Joy, this man this man this man was designed by the devil to break my spirit. You can just call me Anne Reid because the joy is gone.
Speaker 4: You know, I gotta say, you forget about the pace of the news under Trump. It's so hard to get your bearings. Right, Rach?
Speaker 1: Please don't put your glasses in my mouth. Thankfully, here to get us back here to get us back on track is MSNBC n MS NBC Everything Correspondent, Claire McCaskill. Hi, Rachel. Claire, throw us a lifeline. Can you please say something of substance about this week?
Speaker 5: Of course. And hold that thought, Rachel, because somehow I'm getting breaking news that Trump just said he is sending Don Junior to explore the possibility of purchasing the Emerald City. Oh, seems like he finally saw Wicked. Oh, he did. Okay.
And he loved Wicked. And I'm just now realizing that he thinks that Emerald City is Greenland.
Speaker 2: Speaking of, Wicked, I believe it was Will Smith who said, Wiki Wiki Wild Wild West. Jim West, Desperado. Something to think about.
Speaker 1: Okay. We just got word that president Trump has tweeted that he has agreed to meet with Chinese president Xi Jinping.
Speaker 0: Oh, that's not that bad.
Speaker 1: In the octagon at UFC fights. You know what? I'm just gonna take the reins and talk about a real story. Okay? Trump's tariffs for Canada?
Look, Quebec supplies 2 thirds of our raw aluminum. And when you consider the apportments, then the importance of hydroelectric power oh my god. I I can't even finish. That is so boring. I'm sorry.
Speaker 5: That was crazy. So Yeah. I know.
Speaker 3: Oh, those guys.
Speaker 5: What a
Speaker 1: Yeah. And, America has just declared war on sharks. That's good. That's better. I love that.
Much better. Yeah. Also, Trump apparently just gave a statement about the TikTok ban. I can pretend I'm not curious, but, let's just watch the whole thing.
Speaker 3: Yes. We love TikTok, don't we? We love TikTok. We used to hate it, but then it quite frankly, in many ways, got me elected. So now we love it.
We also love the Rizzler, don't we folks? And they're trying to take the Rizzler away from us. It's so sad. They want them to hell out of here. We do love Costco, guys.
Boom. And we're doing get ready with me. That's gonna be fun. And we're doing the challenges. Remember ice bucket?
We love to ice bucket. Anyway, we may have to go over to reels with Mark Zuckerberg. I like him now. Zach, he looks better, much cooler in terms of perm and with regard to chain. And he will, of course, be at my inauguration, which will be indoors.
Too many people to fit outside. You know, we're excited. We're very excited to be inaugurated on Martin Luther King Day. I like sharing the day. And we're excited about my latest cabinet pick.
It's someone I know you'll be very excited to see, George Santos. Hello, everyone.
Speaker 6: Yes. It's me, George Santos, AKA Kitara Davashe AKA Club Chalamet. I'm so honored to be joining Trump's cabinet as secretary of fact checking and ambassador to Sephora. I am part of the politician to cameo, back to politician, and eventually to jail pipeline. But while I'm excited for Monday, this has been a very hard month for me.
I am so sad about the passing of Jimmy Carter. He had a great influence on me since he was my dad. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a date with my boyfriend, Luigi Mangione.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
yeah they’re never finding that girl https://t.co/SXfjAjVHRm
Video Transcript AI Summary
What is your girlfriend's weight?
I've never thought about it.
Seriously? What size jacket does she wear?
Tiny.
I need a number to proceed.
Okay, it's 85 pounds.
Eighty-five? She's that small?
What is her race?
She got it.
How old is she?
She's grown.
What does she do for work?
She's a queen.
Any unique features?
A beautiful soul.
So, authorities will say they’re looking for a tiny 85-pound grown black queen with a beautiful soul?
Yes, exactly! And tell her that’s what I said for the poster.
So, your girlfriend looks like this?
Sorry, that's not right. You forgot her crown.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Mister Curtis, we legally need to put something down, just a number. Okay? What is her weight?
Speaker 1: Okay. Well, personally, I've never really thought about my girlfriend's weight.
Speaker 0: Seriously? Alright. Look, if you were to buy her a jacket, what size jacket would she wear?
Speaker 1: Tiny. Tiny. Yeah. No. This is the police.
Speaker 0: Look, buddy, I have to put a number on the form or we cannot proceed. Okay? So please take this as seriously as possible.
Speaker 1: Look, I do, and I'm trying. Okay? It's, 16 22. T2. £85.
Eighty 5. £85? She's that small?
Speaker 0: Okay. Let's move on. What is your girlfriend's race?
Speaker 1: She got it. And how old is she? She grown.
Speaker 0: Okay. And what does she do for work?
Speaker 1: She a queen. Alright.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Look, mister Curtis, are there any unique identifying features your girlfriend might have? Birthmark, anything specific?
Speaker 1: Oh, a beautiful soul. She got a beautiful soul.
Speaker 0: Alright. Let me see if I got this straight because again, this is the information we're going to put all over the news. So on the news, they're gonna say, and I quote, authorities in Trenton County are looking for a tiny 85 pound grown black queen with a beautiful soul.
Speaker 1: Yes. That is exactly right. And when you find her, you tell her that's what I told you to put on a poster.
Speaker 0: Okay. So then your girlfriend looks like this.
Speaker 1: Sorry. Sorry. That's not right. You, forgot her crown.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
The Original Nosferatu shares his thoughts on the new movie https://t.co/I0iLVwZkkq
Video Transcript AI Summary
Good evening, Colin. I crossed oceans of time to find you, and the traffic was crazy.
It's great to see you, original Nosferatu.
Wow, it's much smaller than I imagined.
Not the studio—your penis! You keep it out all day?
Oh my God, I visited sick kids at the hospital.
What did you think of the new Nosferatu movie? I thought it sucked.
Vampire humor sucks.
Speaking of, I want to suck your neck.
Please don’t touch me with your cold fingers.
I really liked the movie, though I wish I had auditioned.
You might be a little jealous of the new Nosferatu.
Jealous? He looks nothing like me!
You can barely do one sit-up and can't grow facial hair.
Whatever, Colin. You can’t grow a mustache either.
I need to suck some blood. Time to visit my favorite cast member, Sarah Sherman.
Nosferatu, everyone. Good night!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Good evening, Colin. I've crossed oceans of time to find you, and also the George Washington Bridge. 3rd. Traffic was crazy. I'm cheating.
It's good to see you, Colin.
Speaker 1: Oh, well, it's great to have you here too, original Nosferatu.
Speaker 0: Wow. Wow. It's much smaller than I imagined.
Speaker 1: Yes. I know. People are always saying that about the studio.
Speaker 0: Not the studio. Your penis, Colin. You just keep it out like that during a day.
Speaker 1: That's very funny Nosferatu. Oh, my God. It is out. Oh. My God.
It must have been like that all day. God, I visited sick kids at the hospital. And
Speaker 0: for those of you wandering, it looked just like me, weird, white, and pointy.
Speaker 1: Okay. I'm just I'm gonna ignore that. Anyway, I'm very curious. What did you think of the new Nosferatu movie? I thought it sucked.
Speaker 0: Vampire humor sucked.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Really good.
Speaker 0: Speaking of, I want to suck your veiny neck.
Speaker 1: Okay. Please do not touch me with your cold, slimy fingers.
Speaker 0: Said your former assistant. No. I'm cheating. I'm cheating. I really like the movie.
Although it, like, would have been nice to, like, get an audition. Like, hit me up, bro.
Speaker 1: Oh. Alright. I gotta say, it sounds like you might be a little jealous of the new Nosferatu.
Speaker 0: Jealous of what, Colin? He doesn't even look like me, Nosferatu. The guy is, like, Jack. It has, like, a mustache. He looks like shirtless Ned Flanders.
Like, how did he even get so swole? Vampires only do one sit up a day, and it's like this, Colin. It's like this. Oh. Where is my god?
Speaker 1: Okay. Very, very impressive. Yeah. I think I think you might just be a little jealous of the new nose surgery because you can barely do one sit up and you can't grow any facial hair.
Speaker 0: Whatever, Colin. You can't grow a mustache either.
Speaker 1: Okay. Okay. Stop. You're gonna give me a nosebleed? The last thing I need is sucking on my nose.
Speaker 0: Oh, suck on your nose? Really? No, thanks. I don't want to be up all night. Because of the cocaine challenge.
Speaker 1: Yes. Thank you. I got that nose for Atu.
Speaker 0: Nose for Atu. Well, you've got a nose for Coke,
Speaker 1: dude. Okay. Don't encourage him. You seem you seem really amped up yourself.
Speaker 0: I need to suck some blood. I'm thirsty, Colin. Well, guess it's time to visit my favorite cast member. That's Sarah Sherman.
Speaker 1: Oh, yes. And and why is she your favorite?
Speaker 0: Because she's been on her period for 3 years straight. Good lord.
Speaker 1: Well, well, you know what I always say. If there's blood on the field, play ball. Nosferatu, everyone.
Speaker 0: I like the movie. I like the movie.
Speaker 1: Bring it update. I'm Colin Drake. I'm Michael Shea. Good night.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che! https://t.co/C2xbfXpxqW
Video Transcript AI Summary
Donald Trump has released his inaugural portrait, aiming for a tough look. His inauguration ceremony will take place inside the Capitol, similar to the last one. President Biden delivered a farewell address, emphasizing his administration's achievements. In other news, Trump’s inauguration coincides with Martin Luther King Day. Biden is facing tough negotiations for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas. He also announced that a Navy aircraft carrier will be named after Bill Clinton, humorously referencing his past. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is preparing for his Senate confirmation hearing to lead health agencies. Additionally, a defamation lawsuit against Rudy Giuliani has been settled, allowing him to keep his condo and memorabilia. Steve Bannon criticized Elon Musk, labeling him as evil.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Well, guys, it is the dawn of a new era. Donald Trump released his official inaugural portrait, and the photo was lit, I assume, by hell opening up. Trump is trying to look so hardcore in this photo. I'm surprised he didn't add a parental advisory sticker and a do rag. And then Trump also released the official portrait of JD Vance.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony has been moved inside the capitol building. Hey, just like last time. President Biden delivered a farewell address to the nation on Wednesday and then triumphantly rode off into the pavement.
Speaker 0: In his farewell speech to the nation, president Biden Biden defended his administration's accomplishments by ending every sentence with, you ungrateful bastards. Meta CEO and Puerto Rican gigolo, Mark Zuckerberg. Flew down to Mar a Lago to meet with Donald Trump, and boy are his knees tired.
Speaker 1: Trump's inauguration day falls on Martin Luther King Day. And if doctor King were alive today, I bet Trump would walk right up to him and say, oh, snap. It's Ben Carson. He doesn't know who they are, if they're joking now.
Speaker 0: In other big news this week, Israel and Hamas committed to their version of dry January. President Biden said that the Israel Hamas ceasefire talks were one of the toughest negotiations he had ever experienced. The hardest part was convincing both sides that he was still the president.
Speaker 1: President Biden announced that a navy aircraft carrier will be named in honor of Bill Clinton. The carrier will also honor Bill Clinton by being covered in semen.
Speaker 0: Men of the Seas.
Speaker 1: Men of the Seas. Men of the Seas. Men of the Seas.
Speaker 0: Yeah. Robert f Kennedy junior, Trump's nominee to lead the nation's health agencies, will have his senate confirmation hearing next week. RFK has been preparing for the hearings by setting his tanning bed to tropic thunder.
Speaker 1: An agreement in the defamation lawsuit against Rudy Giuliani has been reached which allows him to keep his Florida condo, Yankees memorabilia, and his most prized possession secretariat's teeth.
Speaker 0: Got more teeth, Colin. Steve Bannon attacked Elon Musk, calling him a truly evil person. Though technically, Bannon's exact words were Elon Musk
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Michael Longfellow stops by the desk to mourn the loss of TikTok https://t.co/ha8Xl8Ob2Y
Video Transcript AI Summary
Hey, Jay. I wish it were under better circumstances. So, you're against the U.S. ban on TikTok? Yes, I feel it's my duty to defend TikTok's right to exist here. There are reasons for the ban, like data privacy. Who cares if China knows my preferences? What about research claiming it's harmful to the brain? It's just boring. I have ADHD, diagnosed after a TikTok quiz. Just because TikTok suggested it doesn't mean it's true. What about future generations? What if they’re already lost? I don’t remember life without TikTok; I don’t know how to live without it. What do I do at work or during movies? Just watch the movie. But what if I get bored? I'm moving to China.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Jay. Hey. Always good to see you, Jay. I wish you were under happier circumstances.
Speaker 1: Well, so you're against the United States ban in TikTok.
Speaker 0: Correct. It's the first political opinion I've ever had. I feel it is my responsibility to come out here and defend TikTok's right to remain in these United States.
Speaker 1: Well, there are legitimate reasons for banning TikTok.
Speaker 0: Like what? Because it's Chinese? So we're just banning things because they're from China now? Well, you know who else was from China?
Speaker 1: No, man.
Speaker 0: That's right. Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: Jesus was not Chinese.
Speaker 0: I thought he was Middle Eastern, but I saw it on a TikTok. Chinese. Jesus Christ was Chinese.
Speaker 1: What about the fact they say TikTok is stealing your data?
Speaker 0: Who cares about my data? Oh, no. China knows I like thick Latinas. Who doesn't? Give me a break.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's a fair point. What about all the research that says it's bad for your brain?
Speaker 0: It's just boring. I'm bored.
Speaker 1: Are you trying to
Speaker 0: slack up on me? Yes. Why won't you go? Sorry. I just I have no attention span anymore.
I have ADHD.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that.
Speaker 0: I'll never forget being diagnosed. It was last year. I took a TikTok quiz. And the 3rd time I took it, it said I might have ADHD.
Speaker 1: That does not mean you have ADHD.
Speaker 0: Then why did TikTok give me Adderall? Which I didn't even know was medicine, by the way. The doctor told me we're giving you Adderall, and I was like, oh, cool. But this is no time to party, doctor. But I guess people use it to read.
Okay. But even
Speaker 1: but even if you don't want it banned, what about future generations?
Speaker 0: And what if the generations already lost? What becomes of us? How do we live now?
Speaker 1: Well, you've lived without TikTok for most of your life. You just live like you used to live.
Speaker 0: I don't remember how. I know I lived a life before TikTok. I must have. But that boy is dead. He's dead and he's never coming back.
Without TikTok, I don't know anything anymore. What do I do at work? What do I even watch during a movie?
Speaker 1: Watch the movie.
Speaker 0: But during, Che, when I get bored for, like, a few seconds.
Speaker 1: Just still watch the movie.
Speaker 0: I'm moving to China.
Speaker 1: Michael Longfellow, everybody.
Speaker 0: This gets your big bone. You know what I mean?
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Thank you, Dave Chappelle, @GloTheofficial, and @donnellrawlings! Goodnight! https://t.co/I67ZLP4OID
Video Transcript AI Summary
Thanks to Gorilla, the cast, crew, and Lorne Michaels for 50 years of comedy. Comedy is a lifelong passion. Thank you all, and be safe.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: My thanks to Gorilla, the cast and crew who's setting that live, Lorne Michaels. 50 years strong. Comedy is for life. Let's go. Thank you very much, everybody.
Be safe.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
immigrant dads show love in their own special way https://t.co/GQCYfkfJX7
Video Transcript AI Summary
Let's dive into things our sons like that they shouldn't. My son loves TikTok, but I remind him he’s broke and ugly. Richard, what about your son? He prefers white friends and wants to do improv. My son wants to be vegan, but I tell him to eat chicken first. Richard jokes about his son self-diagnosing OCD.
Now, Kevin, a guidance counselor, joins us. When a son slams a door, he suggests communication and compassion. Richard jokes about his son not having a door due to a pornography addiction. I quip about needing respect because I used to own the house. Kevin brings out his son, Connor, who says he’s lucky to be his son. Kevin insists they have a close relationship, and his wife supports it. Richard humorously questions their dynamic, and we wrap up with a light-hearted exchange.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Let's start with our first segment, things our sons like that they shouldn't like. My son love TikTok. I tell him, let me TikTok to you about something. Good job, man. You are broke, and you are ugly.
You cannot be rude. Richard, what your son like that he shouldn't like?
Speaker 1: White people. He just loves it. I tell him he needs some black friends. He says, nah, dad. I want some dried chicken and some improv.
Speaker 0: Oh my god. My son loved to go to Brooklyn and do improv with the white people, which remind me. My son the other day, he said to me he say, I want to be vegan. I say, vegan talk about this after you eat the chicken.
Speaker 1: My son said he diagnosed himself with OCD. I said, oh, CD's nuts.
Speaker 0: Big boss. Okay, man. Hey. It's time to bring out my next guest. He's a father who living in the neighborhood.
Please welcome back to the show, Kevin. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hola.
Hola, Kevin. Hola. Good.
Speaker 2: Hola, senor, and greetings, Black King.
Speaker 0: White guy always know what not to say. Kevin, tell us, what do you do for work?
Speaker 2: Well, I am a guidance counselor at a school for children with learning disabilities.
Speaker 0: Oh, that's funny because my son have a disability. Disability to pissing me off. Now it's time for our next segment. What would you do? I tell you something, and you tell me what would you do.
First, your son get mad and slam the door. What would you do, Kevin?
Speaker 2: Oh, well, I like to approach any issue with what I call the 3 c's, communication, compassion, and care.
Speaker 1: Oh, you forgot the 4 c. Who's c?
Speaker 0: He he say you have a vagina. Okay. Hey. Richard, same question for you. What would you do if your son slamming the door?
Speaker 1: Well, I would be amazed because my son don't have a door. I took it off the hinges because he got addicted to pornography. If I put a black light on his room, it would look a cramp like a cramp scene from a CSI episode.
Speaker 0: CSI? I like I like law and order. You know law and order? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, man. You know what I do if my son's slamming the door?
Speaker 1: What is that?
Speaker 0: I shoot him with a gun. We need to show respect because my balls used to be his house.
Speaker 2: Well, I'll have you know my son does respect me because I respect him. Isn't that right, Connor? Come on out here, buddy. Come on. Hey, man.
Speaker 1: Hey. I'm so lucky to be your son.
Speaker 2: Hey. You're not just my son. You're my best friend. Now let's do our secret handshake. Boom.
Speaker 0: Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.
Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.
Boom. You're kissing your son like Tom Brady. Oh, okay. Oh. Kevin, please tell us what does your wife think about you having sex with your son.
Speaker 2: I don't have sex with my son. And my wife loves that we have a close relationship. She's actually here as well. Sweetheart, come on out. Hi, sweetie.
Speaker 1: Hold up. Hold up. He's got his ass backwards, man. How you gonna kiss your son and just dap up your wife?
Speaker 2: You know what? We
Speaker 0: don't have
Speaker 2: to take this, hun. Let's get out of here. Yeah. Come on, son. Whoop.
Yay.
Speaker 1: Speaking of which, one of my sons is here also. Come on out, son. Hey, good to meet you. Nice to meet you too. Take care.
Yep.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
you think you know your parents https://t.co/7C06PPuiTJ
Video Transcript AI Summary
Is this a passport? Who is Demetrius Quinn?
There's no time to explain; the house is about to burn down.
What else are you hiding, Reggie?
Hold this. You ever shot a gun?
No, I play the bassoon.
Demetrius, give us what we’re owed.
I can’t.
Why do I have to do everything?
Take this thumb drive; it has everything.
Stick it in your couch.
How did you put it in your ass?
Stop calling papa in front of my real family.
We have to go.
What about Buster?
We can't leave him.
Buster, come on!
Oh my god, where is he?
Buster, I can't believe I'm with you.
He's a good boy and has something very important in his stomach.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Is this a passport? And, Reggie, who is Demetrius Quinn?
Speaker 1: Somebody somebody who's always welcome to Dominican Republic. That's the leader.
Speaker 0: Why do you have this?
Speaker 1: Baby, there is no time to explain. The house is gonna burn down. And y'all worried about who is Demetrius Quinn.
Speaker 2: You don't even know her. Don't worry about it. What what
Speaker 0: else are you hiding in this house, Reggie?
Speaker 2: Oh. Oh, thanks for reminding me. Jesus. I'm with that. Hey, bro.
Take this. You ever hold that heavy metal before?
Speaker 1: No, dad. I'm in the high school, and I played a bassoon. I'm sorry, son. I let
Speaker 2: you down. I raised you soft like a bitch. Because I'm about to shoot a gun.
Speaker 1: Yes. There are Bosnians on the way coming to kill us, and you talking about I play the bassoon. Maybe you wanna hear the song or something like that.
Speaker 2: Demetrius, give us what we are owed.
Speaker 1: Handle them, son. Put it down. I can't. Allow
Speaker 2: me. I blame you. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Why do I gotta do everything myself around this house?
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: Look, babies, calm down. I need you
Speaker 2: to I need you to
Speaker 1: take this thumb drive. Alright? This bank accounts, pictures, everything is in here. Take it.
Speaker 2: Stick it in your couch.
Speaker 0: Dude, how did you put it in your ass?
Speaker 1: Because if I put it in my ass, then who's gonna hold the map?
Speaker 2: Oh. Come on, OCPen
Speaker 1: place. Man, I'll just get going.
Speaker 0: Get the hell up in your ass too. Come on. Because what what have you not told our family?
Speaker 2: Oh, okay. Oh,
Speaker 1: Look. Stop calling papa in front of my real family.
Speaker 2: Take these cigarettes and go into
Speaker 1: good life. Don't get don't.
Speaker 2: Should the poo poo
Speaker 0: poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
Speaker 2: po What? What was that?
Speaker 0: Were they living here?
Speaker 1: I told you there's no time for that.
Speaker 2: All you wanna do is set up and talk about what
Speaker 1: is this? What is that? The house is gonna bury it. Come on. We gotta go.
We're gonna leave the rest. Okay. But what about Buster? We can't leave Buster. Buster.
Oh my gosh. Buster, come on, Noah.
Speaker 2: Come here. I'm I'm
Speaker 0: I'm glad he's gone. That dog probably saw you shoot that man and drove playing on Hyundai.
Speaker 1: Buster. Buster, where is it?
Speaker 0: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Oh, yes.
Speaker 2: No. Come on, bud. Sweetie. Oh. Oh, sweetie.
Speaker 1: Oh, my god. Buzz, I can't believe I'm with the guy
Speaker 2: with support. This is the core of love when I'm saying this.
Speaker 1: He's a good boy. Hey. And he got something very important in your stomach.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Dave Chappelle's monologue! https://t.co/qSkjGsfnv1
Video Transcript AI Summary
Thank you, everyone. I was hesitant to join Saturday Night Live after the election but eventually agreed. Shortly after, devastating fires hit LA, affecting many friends and communities. While some speculate about the causes, it’s clear that multiple factors contributed to the disaster.
I reflected on the challenges of fame and the misconceptions surrounding immigrant communities in Ohio, where I supported local Haitian restaurants.
As I navigate the complexities of celebrity life, I can't help but notice the absurdities around me, including the troubles of friends like Puffy.
With Donald Trump returning as president, I urge him to remember the weight of his responsibilities. Regardless of opinions, empathy for all, especially for those displaced, is crucial. Thank you, and good night.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Thank you. Thank you very much. Turn this up. I can't hear. Thank you, guys.
Boy, I gotta tell you guys something. I'm I'm being very honest. I am in quite, the pickle tonight, and it started it started in October. Lorne Michaels called me, and he asked me to do a Saturday Night Live, the first episode after the election. And I was like, nah, man.
I'm cool. And he's like, why not? And I was like, man, things are going good. I finished my nephew's deal. I got all this money and stuff.
And he's like, oh, man. Oh, Come on, please. And I said, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you. Just to get off the phone, I go, you know what I'll do?
I said, just save the date closest to January 6th. And then the date started rolling around, and in December, he started calling me again and again. I was like, ah, man. Let's do it. And this goes on for, like, weeks weeks.
And then finally, you know, and I I go, you know what? I could just get rid of all these old Trump jokes. And start fresh. I say, you know what? I'll do it.
The oh, thank you. Here we are. The moment I said yes, LA burst into flames. And it's a tough one. You know what I mean?
Because I'm tired of being controversial. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, and it is way too soon to do jokes about a catastrophe like that. It is. You know what's crazy about it is this one is close to home. Now I don't live in LA.
I've never been like a big fan of LA, but I've built many, many memories there. And I have great friends there, and and a lot of them lost their homes. But carry always, so I started in Robin Hood Minute Tights with this house burned to the ground. Madlib, who was on Saturday Night Live with me last time I was here. His house burned to the ground.
So many people, I could go on and on. My first move I did with Dennis Quaid, I saw him evacuate in his house on the news with tears in his eyes, and it and it broke my heart. And then I go on the Internet, and I watch these fire videos, and I read the comment sections, and everyone's like, yeah. It serves these celebrities right. I hope the house burned down.
Oh. And you see that? That right there, that's why I hate poor people. Because they can't see past their own pain. The other day on the news the other day on the news, they said that these fires were the most expensive tragedy that ever happened.
Natural disasters is the most expensive natural disaster that's ever happened in the United States history. And you wanna know why I think that is? Because people in LA have nice stuff. I could burn 40,000 acres in Mississippi for, like, 6 or $700. And now and now we watch news or talk to my friends.
They all have these conspiracy theories what started these fires. Now they say it's arsonist. I've heard this theory, and I'm sure there were some arsonists, but there were a lot of elements that came together to make this fire the catastrophe that it was. The the winds were a 100 miles an hour. LA was was dry as a bone in the levees, and it was just too many factors.
If you were a rational thinking person, you have to at least consider the possibility that God hates these people. Sodomites. And that's not true because because West Hollywood was unscathed. Because how can you burn what is already flaming? You gotta get there.
A lot of poor people were affected too. A lot of just regular working class families were affected too. So a lot of those families found out the the week of the fires that they lost their health not their health, their fire insurance. But either way, Luigi is like, you're welcome. You know, Luigi killed it.
And that kid did almost plan, like, the perfect crime. He did everything right. He planned everything perfectly. All they forgot was to shave his eyebrows. Soon as I saw him on the news, I was like, yeah.
That's him. Finally, they're getting in front of it. This week, thank god these fires subsided. And not without help. A lot of countries pitched in.
Canada sent planes that helped us out, and Mexico sent firefighters. And Trump was like, make sure they leave when they finish. Trump's a wild guy. He's a wild guy. I'm a tell you something he did that made me crazy when he was running for president.
When he's running for president, he said to set a debate. He said the Haitians in Springfield, Ohio were eating people's dogs and cats. That really upset me because I live in Ohio. In fact, I live oh, what's up, Ohio? I live one town over from Springfield.
Now those of you who are from Ohio, I hope you know that's not what's happening in Springfield at all. What happened in Springfield is a lot of jobs went away. 20,000 Haitian immigrants were moved there by our government legally, and they pay market value for their rents, and they saved a lot of companies because they did jobs that the whites weren't doing. It's not that the whites couldn't do these jobs, but they were busy, you know, doing other things. Powering, sleeping on the streets.
You know what it is. And those communities are immigrant communities who tend to be very successful. They don't they don't come to America to not be rich. And when he said that, that that community caught hell. There was like a jealousy that ran to the community.
There There was nothing I could do about it. But because I was famous, I said, well, let me just be supportive. So every day, for, like, 10 days, I would drive a few miles over to Springfield and eat lunch at the Haitian restaurant. And let them know if I'm safe here, you guys are definitely safe here. And to be honest with you, I don't know what that he was.
But whatever it was, fell right off the bone. I'll tell you that. Now I'm even getting nervous at Ohio. Like, I might leave with Asians. I'm serious, man.
It's you know what it is, man? It's just no fun being famous anymore. It's like y'all y'all made it scary. You know what it feels like being famous? And scary is the right word.
It feels like and I'm not being dramatic. It feels like I'm storming the beach of Normandy, World War 2. But I gotta keep a happy expression on my face all the time. So imagine all the dangerous storm is the beach, but I still look at it. The bullets are whizzing by and stuff is exploding.
I'm just like and then every once in a while, something terrible happened. And I'm like, oh, no. Puffy got hit. And Puffy be like, keep going, playboy. I kicked the dish in the face and forgot about it.
I've been in trouble in my day. Well, I've been in a lot of trouble in my day, but but man, let me tell you something. This guy Puffy, buddy. This guy is in an enormous amount of trouble. I've never I don't think I've ever seen anything like this.
They've got this guy in a Rico case by himself. A lot of my friends ask me They say, Dave, did you know anything about those free golf parties? I'd be like, nah, man. I know anything about free golf, and they all look at me like and they'd be like, well, how are these people you know was at free golf? But she's the only one that wasn't at free golf.
And I thought about it for a minute. I said, oh my gosh. I'm ugly. That's a tough way to find that out. Can you imagine you and me reading a newspaper and found out everyone in Hollywood had an orgy behind your back?
Why none of y'all called me? Well, it really hurts. I'm glad they didn't call me though because the stories that come out about it are crazy. I saw one thing on the Internet, it, so so I'm I'm I'm not sure this is true. Probably that is true, but I saw it.
Some guy who said he do Puff is like, yeah, man. He's like, I was at the freak off one time and I went in the back room. And Puff was in there with Carl Winslow with dad from Family Matters. He was smashing, and I was like, Puff, what are you doing? And he was like, yeah.
Feels good to make another man do your bidding. And I was like, oh my god. Carl Winslow from Family Madison there, and I wasn't invited? It's worse than I thought. Or or maybe I'm not ugly.
I mean, look. Look at my face. This is not necessarily a handsome face, but but it's not an ugly face. But but if you really study my face clearly, clearly, I have snitch energy. Oh, I look like I tell.
The last thing you wanna see the orgy is me across the room looking at you like. Leave Carl Winslow alone. Amen. Amen. You watching at home, you might not be famous, but I bet you ain't perfect.
Nobody is perfect. The idea is as you live your life, you're supposed to evolve and grow past your mistakes. But if you get to be 55, then Puffy is 55. You don't look old, but this nigga's paying half price at the movies. You wanna see your playboy.
Ain't nothing wrong getting older, but if you if you 55 and you got a 1000 bottles of baby oil in the house, clearly, can't stop, won't stop. You're committed to the lifestyle. Because I'm 51 and I'm telling you this is true. I can't remember a single time I ever threw an empty bottle of baby oil in the trash. I don't think I've ever finished a bottle of baby oil in my life.
If we went to my mother's house tonight, she probably got the same baby oil we had when I was a little boy with a pink top. And somehow, probably, it was all the way down to the last. And having baby oil is not illegal. They they don't remind you about that part. That's the least harmful thing I've written that doc.
He just used the wrong hoop, I think. If he used Frisco, he would've got away with it. But he's just like, oh, he likes to cook. Thanks. Thank god they caught it before those fires because they've been goddamn mushroom cloud over his house.
A 1,000 bottles of baby oil in there. Here's the thing. On Monday, Donald Trump's coming back. He'll be the 47th president. He's done it again.
And all the flags will be at half staff for many of them because Jimmy Carter died. Now I gotta tell you, Jimmy Carter, people go back and forth and say he was a bad president or a good president. I I'm not qualified to even speak on that, but I'll tell you this. I was in the Middle East years ago after I quit my show. I was trying to find out what I wanted to do with my life.
And while I was there, Jimmy Carter flew to Israel. So everybody in the region was talking about a former American president being in the Middle East. And while he was in Israel, a book of his was released, and its title was very controversial in Israel. And the title of the book was Palestine Peace, Not Apartheid. And people were very mad in Israel.
There was a lot of mean stories that came out in the paper, but some people were supportive. And while he was there, Jimmy Carter said, I wanna go to the Palestinian territory, and the Israeli government said it's too dangerous. And if you go, we cannot protect you. And, man, Jimmy Carter went anyway. I will never forget the images of a former American president walking with little to no security while 1,000 of Palestinians were cheering them on.
And when I saw that picture, it brought tears to my eyes. I said, I don't know if there's a good president, but that right there, I am sure is a great man. It made me feel very proud. The presidency is no place for petty people. So Donald Trump, I know he watched the show.
Man, remember, whether people voted for you or not, they're all counting on you. That's right. Whether they like you or not, they're all counting on you. The whole world is counting on you. And I mean this when I say this.
Good luck. Please do better next time. Please, all of us, do better next time. Do not forget your humanity, and please have empathy for displaced people whether they're in the Palisades or Palestine. Thank you very much, and good night.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
since when is ShopTV TV-MA https://t.co/h6wGbNonoc
Video Transcript AI Summary
Hey, Shot TV shoppers! It’s Spooktober, and we’re having fun with a minion running the camera. Today, we have a special treat from Toby, the cookie guy. He’s offering a jumbo cookie that looks like a zombie eyeball, available for just $14.99.
Toby describes it as a soft, squishy vanilla sponge cake with a red velvet center, made from all organic ingredients. If you order in the next hour, you’ll get a second cookie for free!
A caller humorously inquires about the cookies, and we learn that Toby just received an order for 500 cookies from Pelican Bay State Prison.
Remember, if you order in the next five minutes, you’ll also get his special cookie glaze. Everything is all-natural, so don’t miss out!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Hey, Shot TV shoppers. Rhett and Lindy here. And it's Spooktober in the Shot TV studio. And everybody's getting silly. We got a minion running our dang camera over there.
Look at that. Hey. Dominion. Hey. Does Drew know you got a second job there, Roy?
Banana. Oh. Oh my gosh. Well, in
Speaker 1: the next hour, we've got spooktacular singing so good, even the ghosts will be howling.
Speaker 0: Odell, what is that sound?
Speaker 1: We wanted a spooky moan.
Speaker 0: That was a bedroom moan, Odell. Icky. Well, our first item for sale today comes from Toby, the cookie guy wallet.
Speaker 2: Hey, Rhett, Lindy. Happy cookie Wayne. Happy Halloween.
Speaker 1: Oh, you're too much.
Speaker 0: Yeah. But what do you got
Speaker 1: for us today? Well, now
Speaker 2: I don't normally like to scare my customers, but I'll make a section on Halloween. Uh-oh. I'm selling a jumbo cookie that looks like a zombie eyeball.
Speaker 0: Oh, really yuck and yum. Yeah. And it comes
Speaker 2: in this fun souvenir box right
Speaker 0: here. Dad. Yeah.
Speaker 2: For a low price of guess how much? 14.99. My god. What?
Speaker 0: Yeah. That's right.
Speaker 2: That's all it is.
Speaker 1: Okay. Well, do you have one of these cookies unwrapped? We can show the shoppers.
Speaker 0: I do. Yeah. Mommy.
Speaker 2: Yes, sir. My mommy. My mommy. There we go.
Speaker 0: Oh, look at that eyeball.
Speaker 1: Woah. That
Speaker 0: is so pink. I'm in the middle of it. That is
Speaker 1: so pink.
Speaker 2: Well, it's a zombie eye. It's a zombie eye, so it's bloodshot.
Speaker 0: Yeah. I might have gone with a blue eye myself, but, tell us about the flavors a little tit bit. Tell us about tell us about the flavors a little bit.
Speaker 2: Well, classic vanilla sponge cake, and look how soft and squishy.
Speaker 0: Oh, my nose. No. No. No. Cute.
That. Yeah. Let let's get off that close-up
Speaker 1: and get off that.
Speaker 0: No. No.
Speaker 1: No. Get on that. Yeah.
Speaker 0: Let let's get on that close-up. Get on that.
Speaker 2: Why not, Odell? You know, I always say squishy is delishy.
Speaker 0: Oh, that's fun. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And I think everybody at home knows how soft it is, so Yeah.
Speaker 0: You can stop feeling it like that.
Speaker 2: And you know, I wanna also say I used all organic ingredients. I mean, they look so good. People think they're fake, but they're not. They're all natural. Okay.
No. I'm a big naturals guy.
Speaker 1: Oh, don't say it like that.
Speaker 0: Well You know what? Let's go to the phones. How about that? Caller, are you excited to order one of these zombie eyes?
Speaker 3: Zombie eyes? I thought that cookie was supposed to be like a delicious white woman's titties.
Speaker 0: Hang on. Hang on. Shame on you, sir. No. Shame on you.
Itty. Itty. Oh. Look,
Speaker 2: I just wanna add that's not just another sponge. This part here is actually red velvet. Oh.
Speaker 0: Oh, no. Lying. It's so much, man. You can't fill it now.
Speaker 2: The people can't look. Feel that now.
Speaker 0: You're just being so delicate with this. Being the little close. Okay. Tell me, why don't you go ahead and tell us about the special offer you have for our shop TV viewers? Well,
Speaker 2: if you order in the next hour, I'll throw in a second.
Speaker 0: No. You have to look at that. Look at that. Look at that
Speaker 2: right there. I wanna get these things in my mouth
Speaker 0: right now. Do that. Go to a caller. How about that? Caller, you on shop TV?
Speaker 2: Hi there. Do those cookies come in different ethnicities?
Speaker 0: I know. Itchy, bro.
Speaker 1: Itchy, bro. Same on
Speaker 0: you. Ew. Well, Toby, your cookies are already a hit. Says here you just got an order for 500 cookies. Wow.
Yeah. That order comes from Pelican Bay State Prison in California.
Speaker 1: Thanks, fellas. Mhmm. Well, 14 99 for 2 zombie eyeball cookies.
Speaker 2: Oh, boy. Here, hold that
Speaker 0: for me,
Speaker 2: would you? Okay. Be delicate with it if you can. Alright. And if you order in the next 5 minutes, I'm gonna throw in an extra sweet treat.
This is my cookie guy glaze. Oh, I
Speaker 0: don't. Okay. Oh my god. Lawrence. Lawrence.
Lawrence. Lawrence. Lawrence. Oh my god. Well, don't put TV MA on the screen, Odell.
Speaker 1: That makes it seem worse, Odell.
Speaker 0: He's a brilliant man. No. Okay. All natural.
Speaker 2: Everything's natural.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
What’s That Name: Election Edition https://t.co/Or2H0CD2HZ
Video Transcript AI Summary
Welcome to What's That Name election edition! Contestants Ben and Margaret compete to identify names. The first question is about Doug Emhoff, who could become the first gentleman. Next, they identify Jack Smith, the special counsel pursuing legal action against Trump.
A surprise guest, Tim Kaine, asks for his name, but Ben mistakenly guesses Tim Walz. They discuss the importance of the election and the impact on Americans' lives.
Then, they touch on a racial reckoning and a challenge to remember names of victims of police violence. Ben struggles with names, leading to humorous exchanges.
Finally, they reveal Margaret Atwood as the author of The Handmaid's Tale. The last question involves identifying a figure from Mount Rushmore, but Ben misidentifies Tim Kaine again.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Welcome to What's That Name election edition. The rules are simple. We show you a person, you tell us their name. Our contestants today are Ben and Margaret.
Speaker 1: This looks fun.
Speaker 0: Great to be here. And here's our first question. On Tuesday, this man could become our nation's first first gentleman. What's that name?
Speaker 1: -That's my guy, Doug Emhoff. Love him.
Speaker 0: -Wow, impressive. You've just won $5 Next question. This special counsel is currently pursuing legal action against former President Trump. What's that name?
Speaker 1: -He is a hero who doesn't wear a cape, Jack
Speaker 0: Smith. Right again. That's 5 more dollars to you. You seem really invested in the 2024 election.
Speaker 1: Of course, I am. This is the most important election in American history. Democracy is on the
Speaker 0: line. Great. Our next question is for $300,000 And here to ask it is the man himself. Hi.
Speaker 2: I was Hillary Clinton's vice presidential running mate. At the time, you said it was the most important election in American history and that democracy was on the line. It's been less than 8 years. What's my name?
Speaker 1: Hi. It is an
Speaker 2: honor. You voted for me to be one heartbeat away from the Oval Office in an election more recent than the release of Zootopia. What's what's my name?
Speaker 1: It's not it's not my fault if he was a more memorable guy like Tim Walz.
Speaker 0: This is very much a guy like Tim Walz. Let's see them side by side. Wow. Not only does he look exactly like Tim Walz, his name was also Tim.
Speaker 1: Really? His name was Tim?
Speaker 2: My my name is still Tim. I I I exist. I'm a senator representing Virginia.
Speaker 0: Of course, you are. I'll give you three options for what his last name was. Tim Clinton, Tim Tim, or Tim Scott.
Speaker 1: Oh, 2 of those don't sound real. I'll go with Tim Tim.
Speaker 0: Audience, what's that name? Tim Scott.
Speaker 2: It's Tim Cain.
Speaker 0: Who is? Me. Oh. Well, God bless you.
Speaker 1: That alright. That was embarrassing. But you know what? Honestly, for me, it's not about the candidates. They come and go.
What matters are the real Americans whose lives are at stake.
Speaker 0: Great transition. In June of 2020, our country had a racial reckoning. You bravely tweeted the names of 12 victims of police violence with the hashtag remember their names. Preemptively scolding us for forgetting their names. Pal of mine.
If you can remember one of those 12 names George Floyd. Besides George Floyd, you'll walk out of here richer than the pharaohs. Give them a 10 minute clock.
Speaker 1: -Tom Tamika Nollins?
Speaker 0: -Tamika, New Orleans? Jesus Christ. Why just not why not even guess?
Speaker 1: -Look, I am bad at remembering names, okay?
Speaker 0: -This early 2000 foreign star was only somewhat popular.
Speaker 1: -It's Aurora Snow.
Speaker 0: -Give him a buck 50.
Speaker 1: Hey, can I say something, Rick? I think what you're doing here is pretty lousy.
Speaker 0: Well, I think you're lousy. I think you suck.
Speaker 1: I think that what's that name sucks.
Speaker 0: No. What's that name rules.
Speaker 1: Hey, why don't you use your platform to go after the real problem? Do you realize if Donald Trump wins, we are gonna be living in a real life version of A Handmaid's Tale?
Speaker 0: I'm sorry to interrupt. I think that's a bit of an over simplicity.
Speaker 1: If you'd read that book, you'd see that we're basically halfway there.
Speaker 0: Thanks for clarifying. Next question. This woman is the author of The Handmaid's Tale. That's right. That woman standing next to you this whole time has been Margaret Atwood.
I've been Atwood the whole time. Ben, don't worry. You have one more chance to redeem yourself, because our final clue is worth $10,000,000 Pictured here are 3 of the most famous faces on Mount Rushmore. But who is this guy? Come on, bring that guy back out.
Speaker 2: What's my name? No. I just told you 90 seconds ago.
Speaker 1: Tim Nollen.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Little Richard doesn’t understand the premise but man can he sing https://t.co/FWB29QKmQU
Video Transcript AI Summary
The show centers on a single dad raising two teenage daughters after his wife's tragic death, with his sister moving in to help. It reached a ratings high in 1992 with the episode "Boogie Woogie Fever," featuring Little Richard. The cameo was initially thought to be a one-time appearance, but he returned due to the show's success and his enjoyment of the hotel. Little Richard often improvised, sometimes straying from the script. The show was eventually canceled after a controversial episode involving the family's dog. The creators felt the bold storytelling choices were justified, likening the dog’s obliviousness to Little Richard’s approach to the show.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: It focused on a single dad who has to raise 2 teenage daughters after his wife dies in a brutal car accident, which we made the very bold choice to show in the opening scene of the pilot episode. Anyway, his sister moves in to help.
Speaker 1: Well, show hit a ratings high in 1992 with the episode Boogie Woogie Fever, which featured a cameo from music superstar Little Richard. Let's take a look.
Speaker 2: TJ, you're not even dressed for Battle of the Bands. I'm not going. Chris is sick, so we have no one to play the piano. I'll get it. My 2 of us broke down outside.
Little Richard. Edward Fonetta, You ain't never seen somebody so pretty as this? Now that's Boogie. I want a boogie for that bamboos.
Speaker 0: Woah. Woah. Why'd you stop it?
Speaker 1: We're just showing clips, not the whole episode.
Speaker 0: Well, it's your show.
Speaker 1: So Jay, how'd you manage to book Little Richard?
Speaker 0: It's actually a very sweet story. I met him at a swingers club in Atlanta called Mahogany Rain.
Speaker 1: Oh, that's the whole story. Okay. Now most people assume that this cameo was a one off, but then you brought him back the next week.
Speaker 0: We did. Partly because it was a big hit and partly because Little Richard really liked the hotel we booked for him. He said, I like that the maids clean up in the morning no matter what went down. Although, honestly, I'm not sure Richard ever understood the premise of the show.
Speaker 1: Let's take a look at another clip.
Speaker 2: Hello, Richard. It's been over a week. When will your tour bus be fixed? I don't know. Are you 2 a couple?
Speaker 0: No. My wife died. Yuck. No. Not yuck.
And now I live with my sister.
Speaker 2: You give her mouth. Hello? Well, what does everyone think of my prom dress? Oh, my gosh, honey. You look like the prettiest girl in the world.
What are you shut up. She ain't no prettier than me. Let's make a vote. I'm talking to the audience right now. Who is prettier?
This little raggedy girl or this face that's been certified and sanctified by the good lord Jesus. I I
Speaker 0: don't know if you could tell, but Little Richard didn't always stick to the script.
Speaker 1: Yes. Well, he was talking to the audience, so we could tell. Did you ever think of doing an episode without Little Richard?
Speaker 0: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: Well, you don't have to have a guest star in every episode.
Speaker 0: This is the first time that's ever occurred to me.
Speaker 1: Interesting. Must have been fun at least to have Little Richard there all the time.
Speaker 0: Well, there were good days and there were very bad days. But I learned if he was ever acting up, I would just say, Richard, I know your mama in Macon, Georgia raised you better than this. And then one of 2 things would happen. Either he would immediately behave or he would act so crazy that your problems would be twice as bad.
Speaker 1: Fascinating. Well, Family Bonds was abruptly canceled after the famous dog episode where the Hawthorne family has to put their beloved dog, Washington, to sleep. Let's
Speaker 2: take a look. I'm sorry that your goddamn dog died. He's not dead yet. Oh, and I guess it's up to me then.
Speaker 0: Oh, you're not gonna show the rest of the clip?
Speaker 1: Well, we can't because you've
Speaker 0: Made the very bold decision to show him killing the dog. We did. But I think it was fine. And you know that dog was a lot like Little Richard in that he never knew he was on
Speaker 2: a
Speaker 0: TV show.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Kamala Harris talks to Kamala Harris https://t.co/AJuW7aO7VM
Video Transcript AI Summary
I wish I could talk to someone like me—a black South Asian woman running for president from the Bay Area. It's great to see you, Kamala. Remember, you can open doors in ways your opponent can't. The American people want to end the chaos and enjoy a more relaxed atmosphere, maybe even with a fun twist on popular culture. We share a belief in the promise of America. Let's bring it in for a moment. I’m voting for us! Are you registered in Pennsylvania? Unfortunately, no. It was worth a try. And live from New York is Stephanie Jones.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Gosh. I just I wish I could talk to someone who's been in my shoes. You know? A black South Asian woman running for president, preferably from the Bay Area. You and me both, sister.
It is nice to see you, Kamala. It is nice to see you, Kamala. And I'm just here to remind you, you got this. Because you can do something your opponent cannot do. You can open doors.
I see what you did there. Like to a garbage truck. Right? I don't really laugh like that, do I? A little bit.
Now, Pamela, take my Pamela. The American people wanna stop the chaos And end the drama with a cool new set mamala. Kick back in our pajamas and watch a rom Pamela. Like legally Blondala. And start decorating for Christmas.
Follow La la la. Because what do we always say? Keep Kamala and carry on a la. We know each other so well. We even finish each other's belief in the promise of America.
Yeah. Thank you. Now come on. Let's bring it in. I gotta tell myself something over here.
Come here. I'll tell you something. I'm gonna vote for us. Great. Any chance you are registered in Pennsylvania?
Nope. I am not. Well, it was worth a shot. And live from New York is Stephanie Jones.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
beppo isn't just a monkey, he’s an american hero https://t.co/USqdYFy3mA
Video Transcript AI Summary
We’ve just completed our first orbit around Earth, thanks to Beppo the chimp. However, we’re facing serious issues: the onboard computer is offline, and we’ve lost control of the spacecraft. I need to tell Beppo he can’t come home anymore, but explaining death to a monkey is difficult.
We consider options, but it seems hopeless. Yet, after some calculations, I realize we might still bring Beppo back manually. He needs to follow my instructions precisely.
As we attempt the maneuver, chaos ensues, and it’s revealed Beppo was a communist spy. Despite the challenges, he uses an explosion to propel the lander towards Earth.
In the end, Beppo survives, and the situation takes an unexpected turn.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: And 3, 2, 1, Mark.
Speaker 1: Gentlemen, we've just completed our first orbit around the Earth.
Speaker 0: You did it, Jim.
Speaker 1: I didn't do anything. Beppo did That chimp is an American hero. You did good, Beppo. Real good. Beppo.
Speaker 2: Don't call.
Speaker 1: Yeah. You're coming home.
Speaker 2: Beppo. Happy.
Speaker 1: Well, boys, enjoy the champagne. You've earned it.
Speaker 0: Whoo. That's a good idea. Now that's a good idea. Sir, you might wanna look at this.
Speaker 1: What is it, Ken?
Speaker 0: Just can't be right. I'm seeing cascading electronic failures in the capsule. Sir, the onboard computer just went offline. Tank 3 is at 600 psi and dropping fast. Guidance is down, sir.
Dear god, we've just lost control of the spacecraft.
Speaker 1: What are you saying? Jim,
Speaker 0: we have no way to get Beppo home. You're welcome. That's pretty bad, sir. Do you want me to tell him, sir?
Speaker 1: No. I should be the one to do it. Beppo. There's something you need to know.
Speaker 2: Sir.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Beppo. I'm sad. I'm afraid something hap
Speaker 2: Beppo, go
Speaker 1: home. No, Beppo. No. You can't come home anymore. You, I mean, how the hell do I explain death to a monkey?
Speaker 0: Use those words, Judd. Use Pepo's words.
Speaker 1: Pepo no go home. Beppo, go dark. Beppo equals 0 forever. Beppo,
Speaker 2: look scared.
Speaker 1: I'd be scared too. Look, Beppo, I don't know if you have a god, maybe like King Kong or something, but if you do, now would be a damn good time to start praying.
Speaker 2: Bepo, open door. Bepo, fly call.
Speaker 1: But like a bird? No. Bepo, that wouldn't work.
Speaker 2: Bepo know this wrong, but Beppo jump home.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Beppo, it's over.
Speaker 2: Knight e6.
Speaker 0: No. We don't
Speaker 1: we don't have time to play chess right now. Also, that's an illegal move. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. I'm sorry, Beppo. It's over.
Yeah, Beppo. Yeah. You did. Do you have any last words, Beppo? Ow.
Mute his fork, please. I don't wanna hear
Speaker 0: this. What are you doing to him?
Speaker 1: Making it quick and painless? We owe him that much. Wait. Sir, I did some calculations with paper and pencil, and if my math is correct, I think we can still bring Pepo home.
Speaker 0: Betty, is it feasible? My god. She's right. But you'd have to do it manually, Jim. He's just a monkey.
Wrong.
Speaker 1: He's an astronaut. Beppo, we have one chance to bring you home, but you'll have to do exactly as I say. Got it? Good. Now listen carefully.
On my mark, I want you to roll left to 040. Set pitch at 1678, then hit the thrusters at 10% for exactly 9 seconds. Alright, Beppo. Burn the engines. Now.
Wait. No. No. No. Not that button back.
That's probably a good time to tell you all Beppo was a communist spy. So that was really good what just happened.
Speaker 0: Sir, look. He used an explosion to propel the lander module towards Earth. Look, whatever, Abe. He's trying to say Is he dead?
Speaker 2: Not today.
Speaker 0: Isn't that your wife, sir?
Speaker 1: Not anymore, Tom. Not anymore.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
rorschach tests are very revealing https://t.co/1MAogALxZ0
Video Transcript AI Summary
I understand you might have preconceptions about therapy, but I'm here to help. Let's start with a Rorschach test. I'll show you some inkblots, and you tell me what you see.
What do you see?
A tree.
Good. How about this one?
I see Mike Wazowski in wedding lingerie.
Seriously?
Yeah, he's ready for his wedding night.
Okay, next image.
Olaf from Frozen running away with Elsa's talk, but she's enjoying it.
Interesting.
What about this one?
That's Snoopy in a red Speedo, walking Charlie Brown.
That's a butterfly.
Alright, last one.
That’s Bandit from Bluey on a sex swing with a gag, and Mike Wazowski in the mirror.
Congratulations, Ralphie. You are the craziest man in Boston.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: I understand you might have some preconceptions about what I do, but you guys have stressful jobs, and I'm here to help.
Speaker 1: Hey, ma'am. With all due respect, the only therapy I need is in the bottom of a Guinness class. You're a legend, Ralphie. Thank you.
Speaker 0: I'd like to start with a group evaluation. Has anyone heard of a Rorschach test?
Speaker 1: The black and white pictures?
Speaker 0: That's right. They're inkblots that can reveal how you see the world. I'm going to show you some images and go around the room. Tell me what you see.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And don't be a wise ass. Okay?
Speaker 0: So I'll start with you. What do you see? There are no wrong answers.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I guess a tree.
Speaker 0: Okay. Great. How about now? I
Speaker 1: don't know. A fountain?
Speaker 0: Good. That's really good. Okay. Ralphie, now it's your turn. What do you see here?
Speaker 1: Oh,
Speaker 0: you serious? Again, no wrong answers. Just describe what you see.
Speaker 1: Okay. Well, I see, Mike Wazowski in a wedding lingerie, grabbing onto his little green ass there. Robbie, please.
Speaker 0: Try to take this seriously. Hey. What? That that's that's the
Speaker 1: guy from Monsters Inc. Right? Looks like, it's his wedding night, and,
Speaker 0: I I don't know.
Speaker 1: Like, he's presenting himself. He's got high heels and a white thong that is just swallowed up. And, looks like he got things tight for the wedding, and, he's about to get got.
Speaker 0: That's what you see on this monitor right now.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Why? I mean, that's just what it is. Right, guys? I just see, like, an apple.
Yeah. I also see an apple.
Speaker 0: Okay. Okay. This is really interesting. Let's try another one. Ralphie, what do you see here?
Speaker 1: I mean, it's pretty obviously Olaf from Frozen, running away with Elsa's talk. You know, but she's not upset though. You know, if anything, she's delighted by the horny game of cat and mouse. Damn. I'm a pray for you, man.
Speaker 0: Look, Ralphie, this is great. You're probably suppressing some trauma. As a firefighter, you've been through a lot.
Speaker 1: Not really. Ralphie works the front desk. Look. Just just show me another one. I mean, I don't maybe maybe I'm missing something.
What do you see? I mean, Jack Snoopy wearing a red Speedo. He's got a decent bulge, and, he looks like he's walking Charlie Brown like he's his dog. You know? Snoopy's looking at his ass, smiling like that.
That's mine. That belongs to me. Bro, that's a butterfly.
Speaker 0: I'm not supposed to say this, but that was an easy one. Alright. Fair. Fair enough. Alright.
Come on, Ralphie. Focus. Focus.
Speaker 1: Here we go. Okay. I got this one.
Speaker 0: Here we go. How about this one?
Speaker 1: Okay. That's Master Chief from, Halo who is, disappointed by failed a failed sexual encounter due to his erectile dysfunction. Looks like he's being consoled by his girlfriend who is, can't believe I know this, the dead wife from Up.
Speaker 0: Am I might at least get a little warmer? It's all subjective, but I'm gonna say no. Colder. Alright. One
Speaker 1: more. One more. Oh, boy. Okay. Where do I begin?
This is Bandit, the dad from Bluey, and he's on a sex swing with a gag in his mouth waiting for someone. Not sure who, maybe some high end dominatrix. Oh, no. Wait. If you look in the mirror, you can see he's with Mike Wazowski.
It's your wedding it's your wedding night. That's so cool. It's a full story. Did did I get it right?
Speaker 0: Congratulations, Ralphie. You are the craziest man in Boston.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
The Janitor https://t.co/wN6yq8e4hi
Video Transcript AI Summary
The Fournier equation remains unsolved, and Donnie is tasked with cleaning up a mess. He admits he hasn't cleaned it yet, and the odor is overwhelming. As he attempts to clean, he accidentally spreads the mess, leading to chaos. His colleagues express frustration over his cleaning methods, especially using a mop on carpet. The situation escalates when the Dean arrives, shocked by the mess and Donnie's actions. Despite the chaos, Donnie insists he was just trying to solve the equation. The Dean questions the bizarre circumstances, and it's revealed that Donnie has been living in a supply closet. The scene highlights the absurdity of the situation and the challenges of maintaining order in a chaotic environment.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: The Fournier equation.
Speaker 1: Yes. I'm leaving it up there all semester to see if any of my students can solve it. You are cruel.
Speaker 2: Hey. What
Speaker 0: the hell are you doing in here?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, boss.
Speaker 0: I sent you in here to clean up a box.
Speaker 2: Did you
Speaker 0: clean it up yet?
Speaker 1: No. I haven't yet. Oh.
Speaker 0: Oh my god. It reeks in here, Donnie.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Sorry. I'll clean it now. Look.
Speaker 0: The bath. It's right by your feet. You're just standing next to it?
Speaker 1: That's not that bad.
Speaker 0: Not that bad. I'm crying, Donnie. This thing's making me cry.
Speaker 1: Oh, excuse me. I forgot my wait. Did you solve this? Yes, sir. I'm sorry.
I didn't know him to. Please. But you just did. No student has ever solved this before. I'm not a student here, sir.
You are now, son. You are now.
Speaker 3: What the hell, Donnie?
Speaker 0: I wanted to take to clean up a freaking barf?
Speaker 3: Ow, Donnie. Oh my god. It's all on my back. The hell you've been doing down here?
Speaker 1: I was doing the Fournier equation.
Speaker 3: The Fournier? Donnie, there's footprints of barf all over the carpet. You've been walking all through it, kid.
Speaker 1: Okay. Sorry. I'll clean it up.
Speaker 0: What are you doing? Don't mop it. You said clean it. It's carpet, Donnie. You don't mop carpet.
Speaker 3: All you're doing is soaking it into the fibers, Donnie. We got powder for that, kid. We got bop powder.
Speaker 0: You gotta know that. Most of what we do here is cleaning up bop.
Speaker 3: This is MIT, Donnie. These nerds stay up all night slamming Mountain Dew and eating Doritos. Then they come in here in the morning, and they bop.
Speaker 1: I tried to clean it with the Roomba.
Speaker 0: The Roomba?
Speaker 3: Oh my god. What did
Speaker 1: you do to Roomba? Okay. I'll pick it up.
Speaker 0: Oh my god. Where did my
Speaker 1: eyes go? Excuse me. What is the meaning of all this commotion?
Speaker 0: Oh, mister Dean, I'm sorry. We just have a little janitor problem.
Speaker 1: Was that the 40 a question? Richard, who did this? He did. Janitor.
Speaker 0: Dear god. But how?
Speaker 1: I mean, it's it's remarkable. And what is this I'm standing in?
Speaker 0: It's a, bath, sir.
Speaker 2: Mhmm.
Speaker 1: And why is there a bath on the floor?
Speaker 0: He was doing an equation, sir.
Speaker 2: Mhmm.
Speaker 1: It would appear he tried to mop it as well. Yes, sir. Just now. Mhmm. What the hell is wrong with you?
What is it?
Speaker 2: Hey, DD. Relax, sir. Stop it. What's happening? I'm good.
I'm sorry, son. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell
Speaker 3: is wrong with you? Hey, DD.
Speaker 1: I'm good. I'm sorry, son.
Speaker 2: Just a
Speaker 1: little upset. There's a bar for my shoes. You hit me with a belt. Donnie, it's not your fault. Who who are you?
It's not your fault.
Speaker 0: Hey, buddy. Did you just come out of the supply closet?
Speaker 1: Dolly. Uh-oh. It's not your fault.
Speaker 0: Wait. Are you living back there?
Speaker 1: No. Pow. We can see.
Speaker 0: You got, like, a whole setup back there.
Speaker 2: You're clearly living in that closet. I don't fall. I I live
Speaker 0: at home. You do this? I'm
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
Bill Burr’s monologue! https://t.co/EfTahX0gKv
Video Transcript AI Summary
Thank you! It's great to be here. I just recovered from the flu, which got me thinking about who might have given it to me. I suspect it was a shoeless cowboy I sat next to on a flight.
On a different note, ladies, you’re struggling in the political arena. Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach—find a balance between professionalism and charm.
The election dragged on forever, and it’s hard to believe Trump didn’t win earlier. His resilience is impressive, especially after getting shot and still acting fearless.
I recently woke up at 3 AM to Shaquille O'Neal selling printer ink, which was surreal. It’s surprising he’s still working despite his wealth.
We have a great show ahead, so stick around!
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? How's it going? Yes.
Nice to be here on such a fun week. I know. I don't wanna hear it. I don't watch politics. So we're gonna keep it light.
Alright? Here we go. Alright. Well, I just got over the flu, which is fantastic. You know what I mean?
Had it last month. Whenever you have the flu, like, or like COVID, you know, you always lay in bed and you try to, like, figure out who gave it to you. And I'm just going through this Rolodex of people that coughed on you, sniffled near you, walked by an Asian or something. You try to it. You're like, they say on the Internet, that's where all the disease comes from.
I know who gave it to me. I sat next to a shoeless cowboy on an airplane. Guy had no socks or shoes on the whole flight.
Speaker 1: The whole
Speaker 0: flight, I'm sitting there looking at his dirty Jesus feet, and all I'm thinking is the next pandemic is growing in the bottom of his feet. And all I'm gonna be is the next, you know, patient number 2, whatever the next disease is. You know? So I'll tell you what kills me is I looked at the guy, and all I'm thinking is he like, you know what? God made that guy.
You know? And he keeps making that guy. Like, one mouth breathing moron after another. Yet we still go to church on Sunday. What do we do?
We praise him. When is the constructive criticism coming? Like, dude, when's the last time you made a Gandhi? Somebody empathetic, you know? So my problem is I didn't get the flu shot.
You know? I'm old school. I kinda still do the vaccine thing. You know? I know.
Some people like it. Some people don't. You know? I don't know. It's a weird thing though.
If you get it, what do you do? You side with the evil pharmaceutical companies. You know, if you don't, then you're aligned with people who don't wear shoes on an airplane. Alright. Let's get to what you all wanna talk about.
Alright, ladies. You're o and 2 against this guy. O and 2. Alright? But you learn more from your losses than your wins.
So let's get into the game tape. Alright? Ladies, enough with the pantsuit. Okay? It's not working.
Stop trying to have respect for yourselves. You don't win the office, like, on policy. You know? You gotta whore it up a little. I'm not saying go full Hooters, but find the happy medium between Applebee's and your dad didn't stick around.
Alright? You all know how to get a free drink. Okay? And I know listen. I know a lot of ugly women, feminists, I mean, don't wanna hear this message, but just tease him a little bit.
Make a farmer feel like he's got a shot. Swing a state over a little bit. I'll be honest with you. I am so psyched that this stupid election is finally over. It was took forever.
Like, you know? Yeah. Like, everybody knew who they were voting for 4 years ago, and then they just drag you through a year and a half of this stuff. Like, who was sitting there watching the debate, like, still not decided? 2 of the most polar opposite people ever.
It's like, alright. Let's see. What does the orange bigot have to say? How about the real estate agent that speaks through her nose? Oh, it's a this is so difficult.
It's like they overlap. I just can't make up my mind. I'll be honest with you. I can't believe Trump didn't win this thing, like, 4 months ago. You know?
I know that's weird for younger people to hear, but, like, when I was a kid, if you were running for president and you got shot and you didn't die, that was the end of the election. There was nothing you could say. Right? Everybody would just be like, this guy's the man. He is the king.
I don't know. I'll be honest with you. I think the number one reason, like, Trump survived is all those herky jerky movements that he does. He just can't, like, nail the guy down. I gotta be honest.
The guy's a the guy is a lunatic. I mean, he literally got shot and immediately jumped backed up and started yelling in the direction the bullets were coming from unarmed. That's not a sane human being. I would've would've been I would've been on the ground crying in the fetal position, like, alright. Give me the truck.
I don't want this job anymore. Just tell her she won. Tell her she won. But Trump's got all those weird, you know, you know, coming up. I think the guy couldn't get, like, a beat on him.
You know? And, like, right as he pulled the trigger, like, Trump was just like, and the bullet went by his head. My favorite part of the campaign, though, was when when Trump went to McDonald's. Wasn't that amazing? That's the only time I've ever seen that guy truly happy.
Like, he was glowing. When he got behind the counter, it was like he was behind stage at, like like, Springsteen or something. He's like, oh my god. This this is like where they make the French fries. And he was sticking a couple extra in one.
He goes, hey, whoever gets this one's gonna be excited. It's like, oh my god. Was that empathy of the people, Donald? It's like when the Grinch came down the hill bringing the toys back and his heart got a little bigger. Alright.
We'll end on something nice here. I, I fell asleep the other night. You ever fall asleep like watching TV? You, like, leave it on, you know, and you wake up at 3 in the morning and whatever you're watching makes you feel like you're still dreaming? Yeah.
I woke up at 3 in the morning. I swear to God Shaquille O'Neal was selling me printer ink. Standing at
Speaker 1: 7 feet tall. Hi, Shaquille O'Neal. Are you paying too much money for your print ink? Every day, people come up to me, and they say, I'm paying too much money for
Speaker 0: my print. He's holding a printer. It's like the size of a cell phone.
Speaker 1: People come out to me. I'm paying too much money.
Speaker 0: And I'm like, well, I have the solution. Dude, is there no end to that guy's credibility? I thought when he was selling Buicks, that was the end of it. It's laying in that
Speaker 1: little car, the midsize Buick Century.
Speaker 0: This is the most comfortable car I have ever been in. He's got one foot out one window, the other foot out the other. If I was regular size, this is the car I would buy. It blows my mind. Doesn't he even have, like, $1,000,000,000 at this point?
It's like, why are you still working? Take a weekend off, you 9 foot whore. Give somebody else a chance. Alright. That's it.
We got a great show. Stick around. McGee will be here. We'll see you in a minute. Thank you.
Thank you.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
SNL cast members share a post-election message https://t.co/jTXqJCxpIL
Video Transcript AI Summary
On Tuesday, Donald Trump was elected president again, surprising many. This is the same Trump who attempted to overturn the last election and called for vengeance against his opponents. With no protections in place, those who oppose him are at risk.
SNL expresses unwavering support for Trump, claiming they see themselves in him and admire his controversial honesty. They humorously declare their loyalty, joking about voting for him multiple times and introducing a new impression, "Hot Jacked Trump."
The cast expresses excitement for Trump's presidency, with lighthearted remarks about the future and a nod to Elon Musk. They encourage young men to rise up and embrace their potential, closing with a rallying call for support.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: On Tuesday, Americans went to the polls and elected Donald Trump to be the next president of the United States.
Speaker 1: To many people, including many people watching this show right now, the results were shocking and even horrifying.
Speaker 2: Donald Trump, who tried to forcibly overturn the results of the last election, was returned to office by an overwhelming majority.
Speaker 3: This is
Speaker 4: the same Donald Trump who openly called for vengeance against his political enemies.
Speaker 0: Now, thanks to the Supreme Court, there are no guardrails.
Speaker 1: Nothing to protect the people who are brave enough to speak out against him.
Speaker 4: That is why we at SNL would like to say to Donald Trump, we have been with you all along.
Speaker 0: We have never wavered in our support of you even when others doubted you.
Speaker 5: Every single person on this stage believed in you.
Speaker 3: Every single person on this stage voted for you.
Speaker 1: Because we see ourselves in you. We look at you and think, that's
Speaker 5: me. That's the man I want my future children to look up to.
Speaker 6: And mister Trump, your honor,
Speaker 7: we know that you say things that are controversial sometimes, but really you're just speaking the truth.
Speaker 6: And I
Speaker 8: hate how the lamestream media, Michael Che, tries to spin it to make you look foolish.
Speaker 4: So if you're keeping some sort of list of your enemies, then we should not be on that list.
Speaker 9: And it's C H E Chang.
Speaker 0: And if we find out someone here voted for Kamala, we will wrap them out so fast.
Speaker 5: Like our 3 disgusting new cast members.
Speaker 4: So real quick, left to right, that's Jane Woodland, Ashley Badia, and Emile Joaquin. You can find their home addresses online. Hail Trump.
Speaker 3: But the rest of us, hell Trump, voted for you at least once.
Speaker 2: I voted for you 50 times in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1: 92% of black women voted for Kamala, but I was one of the proud 8%. For me, it's brother Donald x Trump all the way.
Speaker 5: And we're so excited to debut our new impression, Hot Jacked Trump.
Speaker 7: That's right. That's right. It's me, Hot Jack Trump. They finally got the body right. But from now on, we're going to do very flattering portrayal of Trump because he's frankly my hero.
And he's going to make an incredible president and eventually king. We love you, buddy.
Speaker 0: In summary, all of us at SNL are so excited for Trump 2.0, which is also what I blew on a breathalyzer Wednesday morning.
Speaker 1: We can't wait to see what you do with the country this time. I keep waking up in the middle of the night screaming with joy, of course.
Speaker 5: My only regret is that we didn't get to do another January 6th because I was ready.
Speaker 8: Me too.
Speaker 4: And worst case scenario, meaning scenario, if our planet falls apart, we can all go to Mars with the other man that we love and trust, Elon Musk. You're right.
Speaker 7: You're right.
Speaker 10: Alright. Check it out. Doc Mega. Yeah. But, seriously, I run the country now.
And America's gonna be like one of my rockets. You know, they're super cool and super fun. But there's a slight chance it could blow up and everybody dies. Anyway, I'm Mark Meager.
Speaker 0: See you
Speaker 7: in the White
Speaker 10: House. USA. USA.
Speaker 3: And to all young men who helped elect Trump and Elon, we know you've felt unseen these past 4 years.
Speaker 0: So we say to you, young men, there's no need to feel down.
Speaker 4: Young men, pick yourself off the ground.
Speaker 1: Young men, time to put on your crown.
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
every great joke starts with “four gorgeous dogs” https://t.co/8RXUG9TTs4
@nbcsnl - Saturday Night Live - SNL
turns out you can win therapy https://t.co/p24jIWPeHa
Video Transcript AI Summary
Sam, you've been quiet. Can you share something?
My phone battery drains quickly, and it’s frustrating.
That seems trivial.
I felt my vote didn’t count on Tuesday.
Is that about The Voice?
I lost a family member recently, which is tough.
I got locked out of my Tubi account, and my mom’s name is Tubi.
That’s a grief gasm.
I just had one, and my phone’s dying.
Catherine, do you want to share?
My dog died, and it hit me hard because I adopted him during a tough time.
Samuel, let her speak.
I’m sober, but I bought a bottle of booze last Saturday and can’t stop staring at it.
Just let her talk.
I have my own trauma; my wife exploded on Christmas Eve.
That’s the most boring story ever.
Full Transcript
Speaker 0: Sam, you know, you've been coming here for a few weeks, and you haven't shared yet. We'd love it if you gave it a shot.
Speaker 1: Well, basically, a couple months ago, kind of out of nowhere, my phone's battery started to suck. Your your your phone battery? Sucks donkey. It's like I charge it all night, but then by lunch, it's already down to, like, 20%. So, yeah, George.
Sorry if I wasn't in the mood to share. Is that is that it? Yeah. Samuel, that doesn't really feel like a big deal.
Speaker 0: Hey. Hey. Hey. Samuel's feelings are valid. Okay?
But I know a lot of our problems can feel trivial because of what's going on in the country right now. Right, Samuel?
Speaker 1: Yeah. Tuesday was really hard for me. Feels like my vote didn't even count because turns out I was watching an old season where Adam Levine was still a coach.
Speaker 2: Is he talking about the voice?
Speaker 1: I I feel like all of Samuel's problems are pretty minor. Yeah. Also, earlier, you said Samuel never shares, but he shares every week at least twice.
Speaker 0: Hey. Hey. Hey. Samuel's grievances are valid. Chris, why are you lashing out at Samuel?
Speaker 1: I guess, for me, since I'm here because I lost a family member, I feel like Well, that reminds me. I just got locked out of my Tubi account. That sucked. How did that how did my family member remind you of that? Because my mom's name is Tubi.
Great. I knew I was gonna cry.
Speaker 2: What what is is that how you cry?
Speaker 0: That's that's what we call in the therapy community a grief gasm.
Speaker 2: It's okay.
Speaker 0: It's okay. You're almost done. No. Done.
Speaker 1: Nice. Woah. Great. I just fully grief gasmed, and now my phone's almost dead. We gotta look for an outlet.
Speaker 0: Alright. Let's, let's let someone else take the floor. Catherine, do you do you have anything that you would like to add?
Speaker 2: Well, it might sound kinda silly in the grand scheme of things, but my dog died recently.
Speaker 1: It's not even a big deal.
Speaker 2: And it hit me really hard because I adopted him at a difficult point in my life.
Speaker 1: That means you must not a person. Where's that outlet?
Speaker 2: Back when my daughter and I weren't speaking.
Speaker 1: Jealous? My daughter won't shut up.
Speaker 2: Okay. Okay. Hey, man. Can you just, like, please let let go away and let me talk? Hey.
Speaker 0: Hey. Samuel just just because Samuel was interrupting you, doesn't mean his feelings are invalid. Exactly.
Speaker 1: God, I need a cigarette.
Speaker 2: You can't smoke in here, Samuel.
Speaker 1: Fine. I'll just take a doughnut then.
Speaker 0: Okay. Katherine, what what were you saying?
Speaker 2: Well, as I've said before, I'm sober. And lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to cope. I'm done.
Speaker 0: Are we all those donuts already?
Speaker 2: Okay. If I could just continue, please. Last Saturday, I bought a bottle of booze, and I've just been staring at it for hours.
Speaker 1: Would you just shut up already? Shut up. Hey. Just just cool it.
Speaker 0: Okay? Just because Sammy put his cigarette out on your leg doesn't make his feelings invalid.
Speaker 1: Thanks, George. God. You're so understanding. How'd you get that way?
Speaker 0: Well, I've had a pretty traumatic life too. It was 2004, Christmas Eve. I was outside playing tag with my wife. And, yeah. I mean, yeah.
There's no easy way to say this, but my wife exploded. She exploded? Yeah. Maybe she stepped on a landmine or maybe it was that diet coke and mentos she had, but anyways, she exploded into a mill 1,000,000 pieces on Christmas Eve, and some got in my mouth. Well, George,
Speaker 1: that was the most boring story I've ever heard in my life.